Should we keep quiet?

[Tink]

My 18 yr old daughter has a real knack for picking guys who are simply trouble.
She's been raped, beaten, verbally abused, and just can't seem to break the pattern of choosing bad boys. Obviously this has been going on for years and we've had to intervene and even go to court to help her get away from a couple of them.

Now that she's 18, she really does not want our opinions or advice about her love life. She's getting too involved again with a guy who has been in and out of jail many times and is a total loser, but is trying to keep it to herself because she knows we don't approve. She's been with him off and on when he's not in jail for the past year and a half.

Since she already knows how we feel about him and she simply chooses to ignore our advice, it's not terribly healthy to OUR relationaship with her to keep harping on it. Yet we worry that she's going to get hurt again or worse.

So what would you do if you were her parent? Is it better to just keep quiet and hope she learns on her own? I don't want to totally alienate her in the process, or she may not come to us when she DOES need help. Arrrrrrrrgggggggg

[Mandy]

It has to be one of the hardest things to watch your child go wrong! I can imagine how much pressure it must put on parents.

Is there any family member your daughter is close to that could guide her, or talk with her? Sometimes they "get it" when it comes from someone else other then the parents. Maybe a family friend, brother or sister... or someone she looks up to?

Best of luck to you and your family... please do keep us posted.

[RLC12345678]

I would seriously consider letting her talk to a counselor. People are attracted to other people that are most like themselves. Your daughter probably has some personal issues that she really needs to deal with if she is attracted to these types of guys. I honestly do not think that she will listen to you or your husband. If you do say something, you are risking losing your relationship with your daughter. I would seriously consider taking her to a counselor and seriously do everything you possibly can to keep her away from these types of guys.

[Tink]

I guess I should have added that we've had KT in counseling off and on since she was 12. She's currently going weekly. At one point we got her on a 72 hr hold in a psych unit because she'd taken a load of dramamine (with an older guy) and was hallucinating. She also spent about 2 weeks in a treatment center for her drinking.

She's tested regularly now, (since she's on probation for her numerous underage drinking charges) and has been drug free for over a year. The drinking is another story. She's doing less of it, but still indulges at times. Neither her Dad nor I drink at all, so it's never kept at home, but she manages to find older friends who will buy it for her. I think that's where she gets connected with all these slimeballs. She hangs out with them so they'll buy her alcohol.

She got her first underage drinking ticket when she was 12. She was passed out and dumped in an unheated RV after she got drunk with some older boys. One of them raped her, and bragged about it to someone who knew Katie. That person THANK GOD called us and we went and found her. It was well below zero that night, so there's a very good chance she'd have died of hypothermia before the night was over if they hadn't called us.

As far as we knew, she was spending the night with a friend that night. We knew the friend, the parents, and thought she was safe. That was the start of this very scary time.

[RLC12345678]

I am so sorry that you are having to go through all this with your daughter. You are definately doing the right thing by having her in counseling. It sounds like you are doing all the right things. I do not have children so I have no idea how I would handle something like this. Do you think it would help for you and your husband to talk to a professional as well? Maybe a family counselor who can help you and your husband decide how to handle these types of situations. Maybe you and your hubby could go together and then you both go with your daughter. It just sounds like nothing you are doing seems to be helping but something DEFINATELY needs to be done, and soon, before something else terrible happens. I watch the show Intervention on A&E and on every single episode, the families have to get counseling as well as the one who is having problems. The family has to go through counseling so they will know how to handle situations when they arise. Maybe something like this would be beneficial to you and your husband.

[khardy57]

Does she still live with you and your husband? Also, since she's on probation, can you talk to her probation officer? I thought if someone was on probation, they had to be very careful who they associated with.

[khardy57]

I forgot to tell you how sorry I am that you're going thru this. Problems with children can really tear you up.