Sad...

[AngieDoogles]

I'm in computer science class right now, and I'm so frustrated that I'm on the verge of tears. I know I have a lot to be thankful for in my marriage, but sometimes it's just so hard.

Let me explain. I HATE being late to anything. Brendon knows this, yet I have the hardest time getting him to leave on time when we have classes together or appointments or even just meeting friends. Tonight is the fourth class in a row we've been late to. (Only a few minutes each time, but even that little amount is enough to REALLY stress me out.) Because I get so stressed and frustrated when I'm late, we tend to argue about it and my patience at that point is practically non-existent which makes it that much worse.

I just feel so unloved because he KNOWS that one thing I need in my life is to be on time. He knows how much it stresses me to be late and how frantic and nervous I become. It's such a simple thing to be ready on time. Why can't he do that for me???

Thanks for letting me rant... (Maybe I should have put this in the vent section)

[AngieDoogles]

So by the end of class, I was feeling much better. Sorry for venting...

[Mandy]

You vent all you want girl, you know *men* there are things they just "dont get" what i have noticed many times, is that they seem to worry differently to us, and about very different/other things.

Glad you are feeling better.

[Janet]

It's just not men. My in-laws were late all the time. I would have a birthday party for my son when he was little, invite my side and his. Mine were always there on time or a little early and his side could be over an hour late. After a couple years of this...yeah...patient as he** wasn't I?...lol I decided if they were not there at the scheduled time...then I would start without them. It didn't help, but I was no longer frustrated and upset about it. They came when they came. I didn't hold meals or anything after that.

We also tried telling them an earlier time..didn't seem to help much. Angie, just go on without him if you can. Sure does save the frustration. It's just not that important to some people..., but I'm like you...I am always on time or a few minutes early and if the guys aren't ready...they get left behind.

[katepoet]

Maybe his being late - being able to make that choice - is just as important to who he is as being on time is to you. Otherwise, since is he your best friend and he does love you, he'd obviously support you by being on time.

I read an article once about conflict resolution and negotiation for international issues that said when you have a seemingly unresolvable problem - two sides wanting two incompatible goals - make the pie bigger! In other words, bring more into the negotiations so everyone gets something for whatever they give up.

So what does Brendon need to make it easier to be on time for the most important things to you such as classes? Besides advanced notice, what will lower his stress level or up his happiness quotient so he can add the stress of trying to be on time more consistently?

Maybe also say you'd like to be early by at least 10 minutes so you can pick a good seat and be relaxed with your pen and notebook ready when the lecture starts. If you start aiming for an earlier time for a good reason, maybe you'll at least hit your minimum time.

[DianaB]

This is one of my biggest pet peeves and I know how you feel, Angie. My husband is always late too unless it's something he's involved in. And I can relate to what Janet said about his family. I think that they only set a time to begin because that's what normal people are suppose to do but then they ignore it. We've learned that going to my husband's family get-togethers means going 1-2 hours later than they tell us AND that's when everyone else shows up too!

My husband will come home 20 minutes before we have to be somewhere. It will take him 10 minutes to shower and dress and it takes us 10 minutes to get to town. It's always very rushed and usually I'm fustrated. I've started going ahead and leaving earlier and he can go in when he's ready.

Kate, you have some good advice!!!

[katepoet]

Sometimes we take separate cars so my husband can leave early!

[rivermom]

I've truly never understood the habitually late habits of adults. That is of course in case of an emergency, etc.

It was ingrained in my head as a young teen that times were set for a reason. If i didn't meet the time required I paid the crime. (always two weeks of restriction)

Trust me, I hated restriction...LOL But now as an adult. I am NEVER late anywhere I go. And luckily my husband understands too the importance of time.

I feel it is nothing but rude and inconsiderate for others to have to wait on those who are late. It's disrecspectful that those who arrive late don't have respect for those whom are waiting. It says to the person waiting "you don't matter". Urghghghh this one always get's me angry, LOL

I wish I had magic answers for you Angie and do hope that the two of you come up with some plans that might resolve this problem. If you have the magic button, and pushed it transforms your husband to do what you really need him to do...Can I borrow it please?

[AngieDoogles]

Thanks for all of the great advice ladies. It seems like a few of you are just like me when it comes to not wanting to be late. I think Sheryl put it best when she said that's it's about respect for other people. That's really the key point, the main reason I hate being late for anything.

Bren is working on being on time more often because he knows how important it is to me, but I'm just so impatient! I want him to be on time, every time, starting now. lol. I know it's a process and I'm so glad he's working on it. I just need to remember to give him room to make mistakes...

[judy]

Angie,

You can want him to do it because he loves you enough all you want. Not that you're wrong, but you may have to help him out to get him there.

We all know Brendon loves you. It's time for a sit down and a long talk on why he's late, and how can you help him. I agree with Kate on this one. Things like habitual lateness are usually more complicated than meets the eye.

[AngieDoogles]

Originally Posted by judy

Angie,

You can want him to do it because he loves you enough all you want. Not that you're wrong, but you may have to help him out to get him there.

We all know Brendon loves you. It's time for a sit down and a long talk on why he's late, and how can you help him. I agree with Kate on this one. Things like habitual lateness are usually more complicated than meets the eye.

We've talked about it SO many times. It has nothing to do with a need to be independent or anything else like that. It's always just that he "forgets" or doesn't have everything together or needs to brush his teeth...or something. Being on time just isn't a high priority for him like it is for me. But you know, I really have a lot of other things to be thankful for so I should just learn to let it go when he's late.

[judy]

Originally Posted by AngieDoogles

We've talked about it SO many times. It has nothing to do with a need to be independent or anything else like that. It's always just that he "forgets" or doesn't have everything together or needs to brush his teeth...or something. Being on time just isn't a high priority for him like it is for me. But you know, I really have a lot of other things to be thankful for so I should just learn to let it go when he's late.

If you can - it be too high a priority for you to just let it go, but if not, he is a
wonderful young man, and a great husband.

You can also spend the entire rest of your married life fighting about it. It might really be too important for you to let go. Anyway, make-up sex is fun.

[Tink]

My dh too is one who is habitually late. HOWEVER he drives semi and is almost never late with a delivery....

In our case, I feel it's passive aggression. He resents being expected to go ANYWHERE on his rare days off and this is his way of making sure people know it. When he gets home the last thing he wants to do is to go anywhere else! Aftr 25 yrs together I've learned to just go by myself ON TIME if it's tht important, or not get upset with him if he makes us late. Sometimes you just have to pick your battles, and 25 yrs is too long to keep fighting over anything that's not life threatening.

[AngieDoogles]

Originally Posted by judy

If you can - it be too high a priority for you to just let it go, but if not, he is a
wonderful young man, and a great husband.

You can also spend the entire rest of your married life fighting about it. It might really be too important for you to let go. Anyway, make-up sex is fun.

LOL Judy! I would agree with that, but my mom is on this forum too, and you know what that means? I don't have sex! I'm her sweet and innocent little girl. Right?

[AngieDoogles]

Originally Posted by Tink

My dh too is one who is habitually late. HOWEVER he drives semi and is almost never late with a delivery....

In our case, I feel it's passive aggression. He resents being expected to go ANYWHERE on his rare days off and this is his way of making sure people know it. When he gets home the last thing he wants to do is to go anywhere else! Aftr 25 yrs together I've learned to just go by myself ON TIME if it's tht important, or not get upset with him if he makes us late. Sometimes you just have to pick your battles, and 25 yrs is too long to keep fighting over anything that's not life threatening.

Thanks for the advice Tink. I agree that it is important to pick your battles and I try really hard to not be upset when he's late, but I'm human and I make mistakes as well. I'll just have to remind myself that if it isn't life threatening, it isn't worth fighting over. That's a great way to look at it! Thanks!