abusive relationship help

hey im a new member.. im a member on YT too but i kinda wanna remain anonymous because hardly anyone knows about this cept for my 2 good friends.. plus i am a bit ashamed but i really need some help and your opinions! i will really try to sum this up as best as i can because i know it might get kind of long.. sorry

ok so i have been in a relationship with my bf for 4.5 years (im 23) and he was my first love.. we basically rushed into it and it was kind of like a love/hate relationship.. he wasnt emotionally abusive but he was very psychologically abusive at first (extreme jealousy, stopped me from seeing my friends, made me cry a lot).. 2 years later he changed a lot for me.. he isnt as jealous as he was before because he really trusts me now and i know he loves me.. but a year ago one day in the car things got really heated.. basically to make a very long story short he broke a very very important promise to me after promising he would never break it in his one hour speech the day before.. i was so hurt i slapped him and first time ever he slapped/hit me back hard.. i was shocked... a few months later, similiar incident happened and i forgave him.. later on we broke up because he found a new crowd of "bad" friends and he treated me extremely bad so yeah.. plus i lost so many friends by then because of him and i just wanted my "life" back.

then a few months later we got back together after being apart for 5-6 months after coincidently seeing each other again.. in those few months i dated other guys just to see what they were like and although they definitely treated me with respect and were nicer, i never stopped thinking about my ex.. and when we got back he really was changed.. he treated me really good and everything was good for the past 6 months..

just a couple days ago we went to his place to watch a movie.. we always bicker but this time he went off on me... it was like really scary.. like the old him came out again i went outside to cool off and he kept screaming at me to come back in.. i ignored him and later he said if i didnt come in he'd call my mom!?!? (wtf!!.. btw my parents both dislike him) he tried to call them to tell them to pick me up maybe to piss me off (hes never done this before.. dont know WHAT HE WAS THINKING) and i grabbed the phone from him and got mad and pushed him telling him to STOP and i dont remember much because it all went by so fast but i think he pushed me really hard back and i fell on my knees and then BOOM he kicked me right on the back and i land on my face... instead of saying sorry he grabs me to get up and get out i know what you guys are thinking he sounds HORRIBLE but i swear (im not in denial) HES NEVER BEEN LIKE THIS SCARY!!! i got so scared of him i ran to the bathroom and locked it and told him to get away from me otherwise im gonna call the police.. he said do it.. i didnt want to so i called his bro and later on he left and his bro came back and drove me home...

i cried so much because that so wasnt him!!! dont know/understand how he could do that when i gave him everything!!! today he came to drop off some of my things and hes been apologizing so much last couple days... and he kept asking if there is any chance at all if we could get back i jokingly said "yeah if u take anger management classes" and he agreed but then i said basically said nvm and to just leave and he left disappointed..

my question is.. do you think he would change if he did take those classes? i really do love him so much and before you judge i just wanted to say i am not one of those typical girls that you read about or see in the movies.. i am NOT insecure, i do have friends, and i am not in denial thinking he loves me when he doesnt because he really does..BUT i come from.. what people call a "very broken family" to say the least.. and hardly anyone understood it except for him.. he knows EVERYTHING and i mean EVERYTHING about my life and family and hes been there through all of it.. none of my friends have done that (they kinda just gave up half way because my family problems are too much to handle i think but i dont blame them) i mean they still are my friends but i mean i just dont talk about it with.. them anymore because i think its too much for them... and hes even been there for me when i was under depression for a couple months ( a LOT of bad family issues) anyway so yeah..

what do you think i should do? i honestly cant even think about starting over.. (when we broke up for 5-6 months it did NOT get easier by any means.. i thought about him every minute even when i was out) and i really dont want to go under depression again.. i dont think i am strong enough to handle it on my own i mean i know deep down that leaving him for good is the right thing to do... find someone who respects me enough never to lay a hand on me but i love him so much, more than i love my family (except for my yorkie). do you think the anger management class is enough? or just move on? i dont know what to do.. thanks for anyone who replies.. i know i wrote a lot and thank you to anyone who read through it..

[Gina]

I read it quickly, but I will put my .02 cents in , your 23 and single..


RUN LIKE HELL!!! sorry you don't need this drama in your life, no excuse you will find love and someone who will treat you with respect that you deserve.... No man should EVER put a hand on you...

[Tink]

I've worked in a rehab house with alcoholics and addicts so have sat in on a lot of therapy sessions for situations like yours. It sounds from what you've said

i was so hurt i slapped him and first time ever he slapped/hit me back hard... i grabbed the phone from him and got mad and pushed him

You need anger management as badly as he does. If you're going to slap and push people, you have to expect to get the same back. It sounds as though you're baiting him... you set the tone and he retaliates. Quite honestly, if you were to try to press charges against him, the fact that you pushed or hit first would likely mean it would be you that got carted away and locked up.

It sounds like a sick relationship from both sides, and if it's escalating now, it's unlikely to get better without a lot of help.

Sorry, I don't imagine that's what you want to hear, but based on what little you've told us, it is the impression I got.

[Dobie]

I think you already know this - but you are obviously in an unhealthy relationship. Tink is right, it's never ok for EITHER person to lay their hands on the other one in anger.

Originally Posted by Tink

I've worked in a rehab house with alcoholics and addicts so have sat in on a lot of therapy sessions for situations like yours. It sounds from what you've said


You need anger management as badly as he does. If you're going to slap and push people, you have to expect to get the same back. It sounds as though you're baiting him... you set the tone and he retaliates. Quite honestly, if you were to try to press charges against him, the fact that you pushed or hit first would likely mean it would be you that got carted away and locked up.

It sounds like a sick relationship from both sides, and if it's escalating now, it's unlikely to get better without a lot of help.

Sorry, I don't imagine that's what you want to hear, but based on what little you've told us, it is the impression I got.

okay i feel like i need to defend myself a little bit.. i do believe it is wrong to slap someone but until someone has been in that position i was in where they hurt you soooo bad.. it was as bad as cheating but it wasnt it.. of course you are going to react.. when you feel that ultimate betrayal.. are you saying all the cheating husbands who get caught by their wives that get slapped, all the wives needs anger management? and as for the pushing.. i was trying to get the phone back.. it wasnt like a shove.. it was a push like "hey give me it back" as he is way taller and there is no way to get it back without somehow touching him. i am definitely not abusive but thanks for commenting back i can see how you thought i was.

[Tink]

I'm sorry Betty, I don't mean to make you feel I'm attacking you.
I don't often dwell on this because it's SO in the past... but if it might help you, let me tell you my experience.

I was married at age 18 to a man who was 21. We had a premature baby 6 months later. Before she was even born he began cheating on me. While I was pregnant he threw me around like a ragdoll and told me I was too ugly to be seen in public with, etc. He would go out on dates and come back home to tell me who he'd been with, where they'd gone, whether she put out and how I ranked in bed compared to her. So I really don't think anyone can claim to feel much more betrayed, abused and hurt than I was during that time.

I lived like that for 7 LONG years. I felt like I'd made my choice and was stuck with it.
The day I finally threw him out was the day he turned his anger and abuse on our daughter. He picked her up by her ankle, dangled her in the air with one hand and spanked her while yelling wildy. If ever I've wanted to kill someone, that was the time.

Abuse escalates. First you're being verbally abused, then slapped, then slugged and kicked. It doesn't get better or go away on it's own and it's one heck of a poor environment to raise children in. It really doesn't change anything that you were angry or hurt or that he's bigger or stronger and should be able to protect himself. When you love someone you simply don't treat them that way.

I've been with my current husband for 26 yrs and believe me there have been times we've both been very angry with each other. But neither of us has ever hit or pushed the other. It's simply not acceptable behavior and it's a springboard to much worse. It's as bad for you to be hitting him as it is for him to hit you. The bruises heal... the metal pain is much harder to see and heal.

ANYONE who cannot deal with their anger without turning physically or verbally abusive needs to find help for it. Gender and circumstances really aren't the issue. Lack of self control is.

thank you tink.. i know you werent attacking me but thank you for sharing your story i bet that was hard.. im so glad you found someone better..

the thing is i know we both love each other.. i dont think i can move on.. ive tried.. and okay i wouldnt mind going to anger management with him but is it worth it do you think? can someone really be "changed" with those courses?

[Gina]

I read your thread quickly this morning , I didn't realize that you slapped him also. I have to agree with Tink . NO ONE has the right to lay a hand on anyone.. I have many friends whom their husbands have cheated, and yet the wives never touched their husbands. Poor excuse.. sorry.

[Gina]

BTW Welcome to 4wt.

[Tink]

We can change ANY behavior we truly want to change. We might have learned to be one way.... but we can choose to relearn a better way if we just decide to do so. ALL of us have issues that we have to work on at different times. You're not alone by any means.

Coming out of the kind of marriage I had the first time around, the odds were against my having a truly good one the next time. As you can imagine, it took me a long time to learn to trust again and to have any self esteem. The man I've been with for 26 yrs is a semi driver, so is only home one - two days a week and I seriously do not worry about what he's doing while he's gone. It was my ex that cheated right under my nose and bragged about it... I know this man is faithful and decent and I can't hold him responsible for what the other idiot did. I doubt I've gotten any better looking with age, but Greg totally accepts me as I am and I no longer hear that "you're not good enough; you're too ugly" echoing in my brain. It doesn't happen overnight but it can happen.

But it took effort to come to this point.

Originally Posted by Gina

I read your thread quickly this morning , I didn't realize that you slapped him also. I have to agree with Tink . NO ONE has the right to lay a hand on anyone.. I have many friends whom their husbands have cheated, and yet the wives never touched their husbands. Poor excuse.. sorry.

IMO i think the wives just didnt care about their husbands then.. im not saying hitting someone means u care but when you invest everything you have into someone and having them betray you in the worst way possible, im sorry but all of my friends said he deserved a slap and asked if i did. im sure if i told you what exactly happened (not going to go into it) you might understand. i think this is just a controversial topic just like spanking kids.. some think its wrong, others think its necessary. and just for the record i never slapped anyone before.

[pope1982]

Let's see how quick before my advice offends someone....
In all fairness, you knew the guy was jealous and you knew you had dated other men in the time you had off. What did you think it would be like to come back? People don't change over night, we are all human not saints.
I think you have to decide what you are willing to put up with. I think the jealousy with your help and patience is something he will grow out of. Up to you if you plan on sticking by his side and helping him through it. Unfortunately, you live what you learn is the case in most instances. Have you met his family, does his mom at least put on the polite show or appearing normal?

He obviously has some deep routed issues, have you tried to set your emotions aside and have a conversation with him about where it is all coming from? I know it is hard to get men to verbalize some things... but it sounds like he is insecure and perhaps been burnt bad in the past. Family dysfunction etc..
How long have you been dating? Is there a big age difference between the two of you, there is some truth behind the rumors you've heard about men maturing at a slower rate than females. And even then, I swear they are men stuck with their 15 year old brain lol

My fiance and I have had our share of hard times that you wouldn't believe, because it feels surreal thinking back to them today but we've moved past all that and I am full of pride at where we stand today. We've helped each other grow, and our bond is unlike any other. We aren't afraid to admit who we were, and look forward to whom we one day aspire to be.

I don't mean to question further, but can you better describe this "kick" in the back?
You can tell the different when someone is trying to hurt you, and when they are holding back. I believe you are going about this the right way, because no one needs to know your business while you guys decide if this is worth going forward with.
If he wasn't trying to hold back, I would honestly whoop his ass and kick him to the curb.

Don't down play your own role in how the situation escalated. Take a step back and learn from your less then shining moment, gain an educated perspective and keep it between yourselves. You should be telling him how much he scared you and how retarded it was to threaten to involve your parents (who I am sure are biased as you are their daughter) if you are to work things out with this guy, and you are very young it is a possibility, you don't want them hating him. So I'd keep the venting to a minimum, instead find some other things in your life that relieve your stress. Physical activities are great!

After all, this guy can't be a complete monster, otherwise you wouldn't still be there caring.

Sometimes it is harder to stay and work on things than it is to leave and try to forget. As far as the mental abuse and such, people can only MAKE you feel, but how you allow them to.
And finally, there is no "normal". Others won't always agree with the two of you, that's fine. You'll survive.

[pope1982]

Lastly, if you guys are getting on each others nerves to that point, go for a walk or a drive. Don't stand there in each others faces having a pissing contest because I have seen people say and do some pretty stupid things when they are infuriated.

Originally Posted by pope1982

Let's see how quick before my advice offends someone....
In all fairness, you knew the guy was jealous and you knew you had dated other men in the time you had off. What did you think it would be like to come back? People don't change over night, we are all human not saints.
I think you have to decide what you are willing to put up with. I think the jealousy with your help and patience is something he will grow out of. Up to you if you plan on sticking by his side and helping him through it. Unfortunately, you live what you learn is the case in most instances. Have you met his family, does his mom at least put on the polite show or appearing normal?

He obviously has some deep routed issues, have you tried to set your emotions aside and have a conversation with him about where it is all coming from? I know it is hard to get men to verbalize some things... but it sounds like he is insecure and perhaps been burnt bad in the past. Family dysfunction etc..
How long have you been dating? Is there a big age difference between the two of you, there is some truth behind the rumors you've heard about men maturing at a slower rate than females. And even then, I swear they are men stuck with their 15 year old brain lol

My fiance and I have had our share of hard times that you wouldn't believe, because it feels surreal thinking back to them today but we've moved past all that and I am full of pride at where we stand today. We've helped each other grow, and our bond is unlike any other. We aren't afraid to admit who we were, and look forward to whom we one day aspire to be.

I don't mean to question further, but can you better describe this "kick" in the back?
You can tell the different when someone is trying to hurt you, and when they are holding back. I believe you are going about this the right way, because no one needs to know your business while you guys decide if this is worth going forward with.
If he wasn't trying to hold back, I would honestly whoop his ass and kick him to the curb.

Don't down play your own role in how the situation escalated. Take a step back and learn from your less then shining moment, gain an educated perspective and keep it between yourselves. You should be telling him how much he scared you and how retarded it was to threaten to involve your parents (who I am sure are biased as you are their daughter) if you are to work things out with this guy, and you are very young it is a possibility, you don't want them hating him. So I'd keep the venting to a minimum, instead find some other things in your life that relieve your stress. Physical activities are great!

After all, this guy can't be a complete monster, otherwise you wouldn't still be there caring.

Sometimes it is harder to stay and work on things than it is to leave and try to forget. As far as the mental abuse and such, people can only MAKE you feel, but how you allow them to.
And finally, there is no "normal". Others won't always agree with the two of you, that's fine. You'll survive.

thank you so much for your advice.. this was what i really needed to hear. of course i didnt think everything would be peachy and perfect when we got back but i can say it was good for the past 6 months. and of course he is not a complete monster.. he has certain qualities i have never found in another guy but then again his bad qualities, i havent found in others either. Yeah i have met his parents, they were all pretty "normal", his mom actually found out what he did and she apparently yelled the crap out of him never to lay a hand on any woman. There is no big age difference, he is one year older than me and we have been together for 4.5 years, and yes we have had in depth conversations about his anger and stuff.. he seems to calm down for a while but he will always have a temper.. that is who he is. Your comment: "If he wasn't trying to hold back, I would honestly whoop his ass and kick him to the curb." exactly.. my thought completely except i was very much in shock.. i dont know what kind of kick it was.. it was with the bottom of his foot right on my back. he apologized saying he did not mean to, that he was just trying to get me to back off, but i dont know. and i know about the mental abuse.. it has stopped.. it was just the beginning with his jealousy.

my question this whole time was if it is worth it for him to go through anger management?

[Janet]

Hi and welcome to 4WT. You're going to find the greatest of all women here who honestly do their best to try and help when asked.

Now..my advice.... First: read and re-read Tinks advice. Next..don't..please don't bring any children into this relationship until it is 100% turned around. Kids have a hard enough time and then to see their parents fighting, physically and verbally. Like Dr. Phil says...it totally changes who they are.

Personally...I'd put on my running shoes.

I do wish you the very best in whatever you decide, but please don't think you couldn't make it alone or with someone else...your inner strength will surprise you.