Hard to write about

[judy]

I haven't been on a lot lately. I've been feeling very heavy and like I can't move forward. I know I'm lonely, but that's not insurmountable. I'm somewhat bored, partly because it was too hot this summer to do anything, and partly because I don't know what I want to do. Neither of these are things that can't be overcome.

This is hard to write about because I'm not clear about my feelings, and also because when I'm feeling down, I keep to myself for a while.

I realized a few weeks ago that since I'm 60 now, I have about 30 good years left (being very, very optimistic). I began to think about choices. What do I want to do with those 30 years? I asked myself if I wanted to be alone (single) and I don't.
I'm not into looking for someone right now, but I think I may start anyway. Not to sound negative - but to be realistic - 30 years isn't that long, and I don't have the luxury of letting things just happen. Of course, I could just spend my life like that too. It would be really easy. It is a choice to just let life happen, but it doesn't fit well with who I am. I would regret it I think.

The hardest part has to do with my daughter. I'm not happy and excited about life like I want to be. I posted a while ago that I had sent her flowers on 9/11. I had also sent her a note asking her if she wanted to, would she please call my financial guy with the children's' SS#'s because she and the children are my beneficiaries. I didn't expect an answer to either. A few days ago, I looked at my cell phone and noticed 2 messages. They were from her husband and were disgusting and nasty and stupid and negative. Truthfully, if he weren't involved with my daughter, I doubt if I would even care, he's so over the top vile. What really upset me was that she allows him to treat me like this.

I've been so upset wondering what it was that I could possibly have done for her to hate me so much. I really didn't do anything that terrible. I made mistakes like all mothers do, but I certainly don't deserve this. I hate to say this, but I do not like her, nor do I think she's emotionally normal. This began before her MS, but got really bad after she was diagnosed. I'm not comfortable blaming the MS, but maybe the anger associated with being so sick. Or, maybe it is the MS. I still don't deserve it. I do feel so terribly sad that she's got such an illness. I'm so confused.


None of this means that I don't love her and as much as I just want to move on ,
it frightens me that we won't ever have a relationship again. I don't know how to reconcile with that so that I can be happy again. I know I deserve to be happy. I have no idea of how to get there.

I'm really glad I wrote this. I needed to write it out for clarity and I needed to share it in a completely honest way. I love you ail for being here. I know I can say what I need to say with you.

Judy