A Tazer Story

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To give you some background information, Rex, the author of this email,
is in his mid 40's about 6'4 and 220 lbs and contrary to this story, he
is quite an intelligent person.

Dear Friends,

My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
something akin to 'Well, I have out done myself once again.' No doubt
you will see this true story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the
near future. Here goes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last weekend I spied something at the Pawn shop that tickled my fancy.
Note: Keep in mind that my 'fancy' is easily tickled.) I bought
something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 22nd
anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet
girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer
gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this
product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs
designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low
amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed
to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the
prongs into your 250 lb tattooed assailant, push the button, and it
will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching,
whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things
in action, then you're truly missing out - way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'
directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model
would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do
love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however,
and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so
looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of
electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee. I'm easily amused, just for
your information, but I have yet to explain to her what that burn spot
is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little
soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and
blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a
fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet pup,
after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect
herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work
as advertised. Am I wrong?
Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time. So,
there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish
out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5'
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and
loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, 'no
friggin' way!'

Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
followed. I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with her head
cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it buddy,' reasoning that a
one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that
bad. (Sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you
agree?) I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell
of it.

(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-always twenty-twenty.
It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though
it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?) I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY *********!!!! I'm
pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked
me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet,
with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. The dog
was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my
face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'do it again, do it again!'

(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one
note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4' deep
in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as
time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading
glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed
88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has
anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away.

I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large.

Miss 'em ...... sure would like to get'em back.