Ex... still!

[celstu1]

I fell in love with guy when I was 19. We were off and on for almost 10 years as a couple. After 7.5 years we bought a house together. A year and a half later we got engaged. He always told me he didn't want to get married but would do it for me. He set up the whole thing and proposed in NYC. He wanted to do it on the Empire State building but couldn't wait and did it the first night we were there! We set the wedding date and suddenly it was like pulling teeth to get him to do anything for the wedding, even go to the hall or whatnot. About 5 months later he told me he couldn't do it. I gave him about 3 weeks to make sure he was sure he wanted it over. I made no uncertain terms that if he walked away AGAIN it was really over for good. I would NEVER take him back again. I already went through it all with him multiple times. So we broke up, and we cancelled the wedding, sold our beautiful house that I loved so much and I bought my own townhouse and moved on with my life. (it was not as easy as it sounds though).

Soooo here it is OVER 3 years later. I want to make clear that I do not miss him so to speak, but I soo miss what we had! I miss how much I loved him. I miss my old house. I miss things still. Its awful. We were together almost 10 years.

The thing is I am now dating a WONDERFUL man whom I really love. I don't love him like I did my ex. I am sooo jaded and cynical. I feel that my ex was my other half, the he was my one real passionate true love. I know what we had could never sustain itself, it was soo passionate in so many ways that it burnt itself out, it takes too much energy to live like that day in and day out forever... whatever we did it was with passion, fought hard, loved hard, left hard, held our ground hard... everything in that relationship was HARD.

I have moved on from HIM. I know he has a girlfriend now also. He never goes away. I had to be the one to put my foot down and tell him to leave me alone. He would leave me in a constant state of limbo if it were up to him. He would never commit to me, but never let me go either, leave me to commit to someone else, unless I made him. After 2.5 years of being broken up and still back and forth with his crap, I did make him leave me alone. I picked a huge fight with him and then told him to leave me alone. I have not seen him since Dec 2007 and had only had 1 text message from him in the last 11 months.

My intentions were good, to take care of myself .. to not let him get to me anymore and hurt me anymore. BUT WHEN... WHEN does the jadedness go away? The anger? The pain? The memories? I miss my house. I miss my relationship with him. I miss HIM sometimes still. I am still so mad at what happened. what he did to us. I want the same passion with my new bf as I had with my ex. Is that gone? Will I ever feel that way again? I look at my new bf and I am crazy about him, in love with him and want to be with him. I can see myself married to him. I want to marry him. But (this sounds crazy) with my ex I'd see him across the room and my heart would almost swell, i'd feel overwhelmed sometimes with how much I just adored, admired and loved him. Maybe it was not love, maybe it was obsession. I need to know the difference. What I feel NOW seems to be more real, but also less glossy, less combustable.

Sometimes I still feel sooo lost in my direction in life without my ex. Its so crazy! I can't talk to ANYONE about this. Everyone thinks I'm nuts. If I try to tell my mom she freaks out that I'll go back with my ex. Thats not even an option for me, I don't want to go back either. I could never trust him anymore with my feelings, my heart. So its definately over for good.