i give up...well, i want to anyway...

[toodles]

if you look back at some of my previous posts about my dh, you will notice a lot of complaining...about various things. well, i have come to the conclusion that it is probably me. i just don't know how to be with someone like him. and i am finding a million things that drive me crazy about him. i don't know how to fix it but i can tell you, i'm DONE. i have just grown cold. and i don't know how to change it. and i really, honestly, don't know if i want to. maybe that is why i don't know how...because i don't really want to

most days, i feel like he is just so "overpowering". like he just has to control everything. everything. most people would look at the surface of the relationship and say things like "he always lets you drive..everywhere you go together". yes...he does. but he is SURE to tell me HOW to drive, what to look out for, and which way to go. people would say "He gives you anything you ask for". yes...i don't want for anything,. but he makes sure that I do with those things what he would want me to do with them...and believe me, he never lets me forget how much he does for me. some would say "he doesn't mind cleaning, doing laundry, and cooking.." yes...he does more than his share around the house. more than me most times. BUT...the reason i don't do as much is because he complains about the way I do things 9 times out of 10. how i fold the towels, how i fold his shirts and socks, the way i take the dishes out of the dishwasher, what i use to wipe down the countertops, how i cook the food.

it just seems like he has to make sure i do everything HIS way. since we have been married, i have changed SO MANY things... i have conformed to HIS way of life. I even gave the responsibility of paying the bills because he would b*&ch and complain about how i paid the bills. because it wasn't the way he does it. so i just said "forget it" and let him do it his way..so he wouldn't have anything to complain about.

and this is what has really pushed me over the edge lately:
there are times when i will be talking to my daughter. teaching her how to do things, explaining to her why we do certain things, etc. and he will interrupt me, talk OVER me, and tell her to go do something. and sometimes, he is telling her to go and do what I am trying to teach her to do. example, I was teaching her how to put a new trash bag in her trash can for her bedroom. he butts in, talking over me, saying "trinity, go put your trash can back in your room." UGGGGH!!!! it's almost like he just has to control everything. like if he is not telling someone to do something, he would just waste away to nothing.

you guys do not know me real well, and what you do know you probably think i am just blowing steam. but i really am over it. i married him knowing that we were totally different personalities...i am outgoing, he is a hermit....i love animals, he would rather do without them....i live for the moment, he has to have a detailed plan of each minute of each day....i would rather be around friends and enjoying time with people i care about.,..he would rather stay home.

i knew we had differences like this, but everyone kept telling me that we would compliment each other. that our differences were not so bad. i fell for it. i married him because i was tired of the dating game...i found someone that loved me, i knew would be faithful and care for me until i draw my last breath, and i held on to that. i was so tired of being used, abused, and used some more. my best friend tells me that i settled. maybe i did. but i did it for the right reasons. i was looking out for my daughter too. but here i am facing the fact that i have such a HARD time living with this man. such a hard time. now...how is that good for my daughter?? it's not. and i know this. so what do i do???

i'm so torn. i look at my aunt, who i admire in so many ways, and she is in a marriage where they have more of a business relationship than a marriage. they never really talk, they are never affectionate, and when i found out that today was their anniversary, i asked them what they were doing and she said "he is going to play golf". they just don't have a marriage IMO. and i remember once, asking her, "why do you stay with him???" and she basically told me that at her age, it was just easier to stay than to start all over. that he takes care of her and her kids. so she stays. and that she is accustomed to her lifestyle. he does his thing, she does hers. i swore i would never be that way. but here i am. i allowed myself to be that way.

i really am not looking for advice, just needed to vent. dh and i are not speaking right now. and it has to do with me driving on part of our trip and having to take a back road because of traffic. he kept saying "drive slow, look out for rocks, be careful...." i got frustrated because to me...someone who has NEVER been in an accident...it seems like he just doesn't trust me to take care of the car and know how to drive. he could tell i was frustrated and said "after what happened when i ran over that rock and busted my oil pan, i am just nervous". i snapped. i said "you know, i am capable of looking out for rocks, i am capable of getting us where we are going...and i LOVE my car...just trust me to take care of it and be careful. you don't have to hold my hand." then he told me he didn't like my attitude. i finally said to him (and maybe i was out of line) i said "if you felt the need to control everything, you should have stayed single, then you could control your own life".

he hasn't spoken a word to me since.

honestly...i don't care. he can sulk all he wants. i'm over it. yes...that sounds very cold...but i'm over it.