Going ballistic

[Tink]

I'm usually pretty tolerant and try to be fair and courteous to everyone. But I have a temper, and on the rare occasion that I lose it, God protect those who get caught in the fall out.
Tonight was one of those times.
I've been aching terribly with arthritis since the weather is changing dramatically here. I hurt all over and have a horrible time with my hands and knees in particular. I've got a lot of stuff I'm trying to accomplish here, so that pain just interferes with my abilities to a frustrating degree.

Besides this, as you all know, our crowded living arrangements have been getting to me. Just too many people under foot and in the way most of the time. I end up staying in my bedroom a lot just to avoid the chaos and resent that I feel I have to hide out.

My son keeps pushing my buttons without even trying; and almost never picks up after himself which just bugs me to no end. He also has company more often than I'm comfortable with, ends up borrowing things and not putting them back, etc etc. So tonight I was in the kitchen going through the mail and Moses was going to Joel asking to be let out and he just ignored him. I commented on the obvious... that Moses needed to go out... and Joel made the mistake of reminding me that he is MY dog... At which point I went off on him like a firecracker. His fiancee was here and looked shocked to see that side of me, Joel was mad, I was frustrated and embarrassed, so after putting the dog out, I just went back to my room and hid again.

He cannot understand why I get so upset with him. He does almost nothing around here; we support him, and he just can't see why I get fed up with picking up his slack. He works, but has to keep buying speakers, car parts, etc rather than chipping in for his own food and such. I just can't seem to get across to him that we are tired of it and he needs to move on.

I realize I'm stressed with the recent turn of events with Katie... I know the acheyness makes me more grumpy... there are just so many contributing factors and he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, but he continues to hang on to that position, then is offended when I blow.

I've told him straight out that I feel it's unfair that I have been put in a position of having to yell at him to make him do anything or be angry while I'm doing it all myself. I don't want to have to end up enemies with him to get him to either chip in or move out... but he doesn't seem to have any inclination of changing unless we force him to.

Argggggggggg I hate this. I get so stressed I don't even feel good and I'm told I'm supposed to avoid stress! I gave life to him, and now I feel like my life is going to be cut short by fighting with him as well.

It just feels really unfair.