Telling my mom today.

[Ponyup]

I've decided to tell my mom about my tattoo & removal. One of the big reasons for the tattoo removal is that i know how disappointed she would of been in me if she saw it. At the time I got the two other tattoos my mom & I weren't in the best place. Now we have gotten pretty close & I feel so guilty & ashamed about this. Every time I talk to her I feel like I'm lying to her because I pretend like I'm happy & everything is okay. Everything is not okay. I'm so mad at myself & I regret this decision so much & I'm terrified of the removal. And quite frankly I feel that i need my mommy.

I feel God is telling me to tell her. I have prayed & begged about this & it's really drawn me back to church. At church yesterday it was like every song we sang was talking straight to me. They were all about turning your worries & fears over to God. I've found a way to trick my self to sleep which is I sing a song over & over in my head to fall asleep. Last nights song was "it is well with my soul". I slept pretty well, & this morning I woke up with this over whelming urge to talk to my mom about what's going on with me. It seems to me like this is what God is urging me to do. I'm terrified to tell her, I know she might be disappointed or point out how stupid it was in the first place, but I doubt it. She tends to be really judgemental, but when I actually need her & she can tell I'm upset about something she's always there for me. Some people think she might even go to the treatments with me. Please pray that this helps with my nerves & I start to feel better & that she takes a mind of support instead of judgement. If this doesn't help my next step is therapy.

I called my mom at lunch to set up a time to talk. She's on her way back from north carolina. The moment I brought it up I started to bawl. I tried to put her mind at ease that it wasn't that big of deal that I wasn't dying or getting divorsed or anything, that i just made a mistake I was having a hard time dealing with. My friend at work thinks she probably thinks i'm pregnant or something. I hope my mom knows that if I was pregnant it wouldn't be a crying matter.....it might not be planned, but it wouldn't make me that upset. I don't want her to get her hopes up about that. I plan to get pregnant soon, but I have to go through the laser treatments first. So it looks like the fall of 2009 for the pregnancy thing.

P.s. my hubby thinks that if I open this door she will push me to have my other 2 removed, but I'm prepared for that conversation. The one on my shoulder can't be because of the green. And my lower back one is really deep & dark & would take forever to come off & would probably always be visible.