Everything you need to know about pregnancies!

[Kimberley]

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant? A. Have sex only once a year.

Q. What is a chastity belt? A. A labour-saving device.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving? A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I'm pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra? A. Not if you don't mind switching in the future to a size 34-Long.

Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A.Childbirth.

Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive? A. Find a lawyer.

Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this? A.Your therapist.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true? A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

Q. Does pregnancy affect a woman's memory? A. I don't remember.

Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy? A. Yes,your bladder.

Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I can't go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving? A. Depends on what you're doing with them.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A. So what's your question?

Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centrefold? A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q. What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy? A. Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.

Q. How long is the average woman in labour? A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right? A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural? A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour? A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position? A. Authorized personnel only--doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning? A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.

Q. What are forceps? A. Giant baby tweezers.

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A.Yes, pregnancy.

Q. Does labour cause hemorrhoids? A. Labour causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised? A. When it's a girl, for starters.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk? A. In your breasts.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? A. It means that the baby's mother may want to re- think her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples? A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What are the terrible twos? A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing? A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. What is the gasp reflex? A. The reaction of a new father when he sees the new mother's breasts.

Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing? A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower? A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. Nannies aren't cheap are they? A. Not usually, but occasionally you'll find a floozy.

Q. What is colic? A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.

Q. What are night terrors? A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A. When the kids are in college.