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[deb22]

HOW TO GIVE A PILL TO A CAT
>>>
>>> 1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
>>> holding a baby. Position right fore-finger and thumb on either
>>> side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while
>>> holding pill In right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into
>>> mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
>>>
>>> 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
>>> left arm and repeat process.
>>>
>>> 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
>>>
>>> 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding
>>> rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to
>>> back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count
>>> of ten.
>>>
>>> 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
>>> Call spouse from garden.
>>>
>>> 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front
>>> and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to
>>> hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into
>>> mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
>>>
>>> 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
>>> Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
>>> shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for
>>> gluing later.
>>>
>>> 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head
>>> just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw,
>>> force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
>>>
>>> 9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, Drink 1
>>> beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and
>>> remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
>>>
>>> 10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open
>>> another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck,
>>> to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick
>>> pill down throat with elastic band.
>>>
>>> 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
>>> hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.
>>> Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last
>>> tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss
>>> back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from
>>> bedroom.
>>>
>>> 12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from tree across
>>> the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while
>>> swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
>>>
>>> 13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden
>>> twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty
>>> pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large
>>> piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and
>>> pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
>>>
>>> 14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive y ou to the
>>> Emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and
>>> forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture
>>> shop on way home to order new table.
>>>
>>> 15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local
>>> pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
>>>
>>>
>>> How To Give A Dog A Pill
>>>
>>> 1. Wrap it in bacon.
>>>
>>> 2. Toss it in the air.