Jessie is mad at me, and there's nothing I can do!

[judy]

When I went to look at the townhouses last week, I called Jessie when I got home She seems to "pick" at wherever I choose, or talk about. I called her that
night and asked her what was going on. She told me that she wants me to wait, find a home that I love, don't get taken advantage of, etc. I felt good after that.
It's nice that she cares so much.

Yesterday morning, I got another call from her - it seems that she really is angry at me because she wants me to live closer to her. She's not feeling great at the moment, my grandson is having a lot of learning problems, the baby got some Needs Improvement on her report card, the older one is in 5th grade and her work is getting harder. She'd like me to live really close by so that I can "assist" her with the children, come over if she's not feeling well so that she lie down, be available so that she can visit me, and generally be available to share their lives with them. She is overwhelmed - the house is huge, she has 3 kids, 5 dogs and she does have MS.

She got to the point of yelling sat me that she can't believe that I wouldn't want to jump right in, since I got a second chance, and live near her so that I can share their lives with them. How could I choose a pool and less cloudy weather over her and my grandchildren? I briefly tried to explain to her that I've always had my own life, especially since she and I haven't been on good terms for all these past years. I also tried to tell her that parents with grown children know that they must live their own lives. Children move, get married, and have their own concerns. After that I just shut up because she doesn't agree, and that's that.

She said that she can't believe that, especially because she's sick, I'm not jumping to live close to her and help her. She used her illness a lot!

She kept saying that she's not going to stop talking to me, that she loves me, but that she can't understand how I could choose to live 1 1/2 hours away.

She ended the conversation with the fact that it's not my problem. She realized, as she was talking to me, that it's her problem. I am who I am and she should just learn to live with who I am, and that she loves me and respects me. She wanted to hang up because she was all upset and there was nothing else to say. She said she'd call today, but she hasn't.

I'm so afraid that she won't call! This has always been an issue between us. She wants a different kind of mother, and I'm not that woman. I am so tired of being yelled at for my "shortcomings" as a mother!

The reality is, however, that I am not the mother she wanted, and also that I'm not going to change. This fact keeps driving a wedge between us. Her expectations keep getting in the way, as does my need to live my own life.

Maybe I am selfish - I don't know. I've had to learn to live my own life since I was a child, and I like it. I kept thinking while she was berating me for not wanting to be the kind of mother she wants me to be, that "No - I don't want to live near her and share their lives." I don't want to be at her beck and all. I don't see an hour and a half as a major distance if she needs me. I didn't say this, but if she did become really sick again, I can sell my condo and move up there anyway.

I think she would eat me alive if I lived close to her. I also love my freedom. It's not her business what I'm up to all the time, and I surely don't want her to think that I'm always available to help them out. They have a long history of taking advantage of those who try to do that!

I think that the truth is that no matter where I live, I will never make her happy because I'm just not the kind of mother she wants.

Maybe it's a good thing that this came up. Maybe we can establish a more realistic relationship, based on who both of us really are. Like I said, I'm just afraid she won't call.

Life is not easy.