How to give a cat a pill

[Dobie]

How To Give A Cat A Pill



1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a

baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and

gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat

opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.



2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left

arm and repeat process.



3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.



4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws

tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with

right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.



5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call

spouse from garden.



6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear

paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with

one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and

rub cat's throat vigorously.



7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make

note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered

figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.



8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just

visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth

open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.



9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of

water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove

blood from carpet with cold water and soap.



10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in

cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open

with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.



11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.

Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus

jab. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.



12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize

to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last

pill from foil-wrap.



13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to

leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill

into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically

and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.



14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor

stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call

furniture shop on way home to order new table.



15) Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they

have any hamsters.



How To Give a Dog a Pill



1) Wrap it in bacon.