Sorry I've been so scarce

[Tink]

Things have been rather overwhelming here lately. I just felt like climbing into a hole and pulling the dirt in after me, so that's pretty much what I did.

We went out on Saturday morning and found Bella dead in her run with the puppies trying to nurse off her. It was a horrifying site that simply just traumatized me. She had either jumped or tried to climb the fence and got the buckle of her collar stuck in the fence about 4' off the ground hanging herself.

Since then, I can't sleep because I keep having nightmares about Bella, the pups and my nephew who died at age 10. It's been awful. Every time I hear one of the dogs make noise I sit up wide awake and shaking. I know it was a freak accident, but how do you NOT feel responsible? So of course I've been beating myself up with "what ifs" and pampering the heck out of the pups.

Sunday a couple came to see the pups and I felt like a total loser having to explain that while both parents are dead, the pups are perfectly healthy. I KNOW what happened and it doesn't even ring true to me! So I struggled not to blubber like a baby in front of complete strangers who likely didn't know WHAT to think!

Since I retired Canada, I had been looking for another Lab to take her place in my breeding program. I found a nice yellow female that will soon be old enough to breed, but with all that's been going on I wasn't sure I even wanted to continue, so have been stalling on buying her.
I finally decided tonight that I can't quit. I enjoy my dogs, the pups, most of my buyers, and have to trust that things will improve. So I have an appointment on Thursday to pick up my new dog.

I have people coming tomorrow and Wed to make their final choices of Bella's pups. I made sure to email and notify them ahead of time about what happened so they'd know before they get here and hopefully I won't have to dwell on it too much.

Based on which ones they choose, I might also have buyers lined up for the other 2.
So anyway, I've been a basket case; not fit company for anyone. I don't even want to go to bed 'cause I don't want to dream.
I think if I hadn't so recently lost Moses I might have handled it better, but it's been too much too soon. I know they're "only dogs" but I spend most of my time with them, so am very attached.