I think I'm going to do it

[toodles]

I can't live like this anymore. I am sick of walking on egg shells. I am sick of wondering "why is he mad now??" I am sick of being made to feel like a bad person because I don't want to have sex every single day. I'm sick of feeling like CRAP.

I just have to figure out how I am going to tell him now. but I'm done. I'm seriously seriously done.

I have to figure out how I will tell him...and figure out how I can afford this house when he is gone.

wish me luck!!!

[Gina]

Toodles I am sorry to read this post. You have posted in the past and by the posts your marriage seemed to be in trouble. All I can say is to really think it through and weigh all the pros and cons. Marriage by all means is not easy its actually a job and you have to work at it or want to anyway. You do have a daughter and I or no one can tell you want to do, remember the grass is not always greener on the other side. Trust me. Have you tried counseling or talking to a clergyman?

You say he is always mad at you, do you let him know how you feel? The wanting sex everyday. I would seriously let him know what he is doing and how it is affecting you. Does he cheat, drink,verbially or phycially abuse you, gamble , or do drugs? Those are hard issues to deal with and I would be the first to tell you to walk away. If none of these are the issues I would give it a last chance and put my cards on the table and let him know EXACTLY how you feel.

Men are stupid, they need to be told, they don't get it. If we don't talk to them about our feelings they think everything is peachy keen. Give it your all and if it doesn't work out at least you can say that you tried. Once again I am not in your shoes , and only you know how you feel. We are here for you and I wish you the best....

[toodles]

gosh, i have told him a hundred times how i feel. but every time..it turns into me being a bad wife, a bad mother, and a bad person. even tho i don't think i am any of those things.
i have been trying sooo hard to make him happy. I have done everything he has asked. i have changed my daily routine to make sure i am doing all of the things daily that he wants me to do. I am cleaning non stop, trying to be loving and affectionate, spending as much time as possible with him, cooking a meal every night for him...and breakfast and lunch on the weekends....these are things that he felt i was slacking on so i have picked up the pace. wearing myself out trying to make him happy.

and it just isnt enough. i can't win. i have said soooo many times "I will give it another shot"...and i always end up back where i'm at.

for the record...my daughter is not his. my high school sweetheart and I had her. He is super active in her life and a wonderful, loving father. and Jim is trying to be a good step-dad...but he isnt' very loving. he's very hard on her. we struggle with this all the time. we are always talking about how his attitude towards her is too much. he doesn't allow her to be 6 years old.

he is not abusive..however he does treat me like i'm a child. he does not drink, do drugs, or cheat on me...although he did say to me that if i can't give him what he needs...well...a man has needs. what is that supposed to mean?????? yes, i should be able to get past this..and work it out. after all, we said vows before God and all of our loved ones. but how can i continue to be so miserable? how can i continue to be treated like a failure and respect those vows? he needs to respect them too! he vowed to be my partner. my companion. my equal. but he isn't. he is above me at all times.

i'm just done. i don't want to fix it anymore. i don't want to keep this up. i just don't want to do it anymore.

Originally Posted by Gina

Toodles I am sorry to read this post. You have posted in the past and by the posts your marriage seemed to be in trouble. All I can say is to really think it through and weigh all the pros and cons. Marriage by all means is not easy its actually a job and you have to work at it or want to anyway. You do have a daughter and I or no one can tell you want to do, remember the grass is not always greener on the other side. Trust me. Have you tried counseling or talking to a clergyman?

You say he is always mad at you, do you let him know how you feel? The wanting sex everyday. I would seriously let him know what he is doing and how it is affecting you. Does he cheat, drink,verbially or phycially abuse you, gamble , or do drugs? Those are hard issues to deal with and I would be the first to tell you to walk away. If none of these are the issues I would give it a last chance and put my cards on the table and let him know EXACTLY how you feel.

Men are stupid, they need to be told, they don't get it. If we don't talk to them about our feelings they think everything is peachy keen. Give it your all and if it doesn't work out at least you can say that you tried. Once again I am not in your shoes , and only you know how you feel. We are here for you and I wish you the best....

[toodles]

and let me also say...if this marriage doesn't work...i won't be in a relationship like this ever again. it would take an act of congress to get me to commit to another man.

[Gina]

he is not abusive..however he does treat me like i'm a child. he does not drink, do drugs, or cheat on me...although he did say to me that if i can't give him what he needs...well...a man has needs. what is that supposed to mean?????? yes, i should be able to get past this..and work it out. after all, we said vows before God and all of our loved ones. but how can i continue to be so miserable? how can i continue to be treated like a failure and respect those vows? he needs to respect them too! he vowed to be my partner. my companion. my equal. but he isn't. he is above me at all times.

i'm just done. i don't want to fix it anymore. i don't want to keep this up. i just don't want to do it anymore.[/QUOTE]\\



I do believe God does not want anyone to be miserable.. We only get one chance at this life. He is not perfect, no one is and I hope that you tell him this. He mentions all your faults what about his ? Toodles like I said only you know how you feel , I am just trying to help you, I nor anyone else live with this man. I speak from my own experience I was you a few years back, miserable and no longer in love with my husband. I was ready to leave, but I went to counseling myself and we went to marriage counseling together. What happened was that my husband didn't change it was I . My husband comes from a very controlling family and he has issues that he doesn't realize that he has. Its sad. Forward to today we get along , I no longer let him control me and we have a better marriage...

Sometimes you need to go through bad times but once you show him that you will not tolerate it, he will Wake Up! they sometimes need that. I do have two children and he is a good father to them. So I make the best of my marriage, I am a happy person and I work and do things to satisfy me. I no longer listen when he preaches it doesn't work and he lost the battle.

Let me please reiterate you must do what you feel is right, I just see so many of my friends leave their husbands after so many years of being married and now they have regrets..

[katepoet]

If you have given it time and communicated your needs and this is what he does and how he makes you feel, you may not be able to change it. In my view of people, he has an illness - maybe part of it is physical, part mental/emotional - but he needs treatment. If he won't go to the doctor to get anti-depressants and some counseling, at a minimum, then look to taking care of yourself and your daughter. He should have a full health work-up, too.

If you are going to call it quits, you might see if you can get some counseling just to have a neutral person with whom you can talk out your plans and make sure you are covering all the bases you need to cover so you are physically and emotionally safe. There are a lot of counselors now who work with folks on a short term basis, 6-8 weeks, in order to help them resolve a specific issue and to feel supported through it.

This is a really stressful time for you, so take care of your nutrition. Take a buffered vitamin C to help with the stress - it will help keep you from burning out. If you can, take a b-complex, and don't forget iron and folic acid. Magnesium will help, too. Try Concentrace drops in water or juice each day for magnesium and trace minerals.

What are your plans for this holiday?

[Janet]

I'm so sorry you're going through this Toodles. I too thought I had the worst marriage and sometimes still do, but I'm not miserable like you say you are. I'm probably alot older too and I just don't want to lose everything I've worked for and I'm sure neither does he.

I always feel one knows ones own limits. You have to do what you think is right. Just make sure you are SURE. Sometimes we can't ever go back. Hugs to you and wishing you the best.

[rivermom]

I'm so sorry. Life is short, very short and without your happiness nothing can work. Everyone needs to do what they honestly feel is best in their heart. And if this is the choice you make because of so then by all means.

Nobody, again I say nobody deserves to be unhappy.

Divorces are never easy but sometimes it can be for the best in some situations.

I wish you the best.

[Mandy]

I agree with the rest. Only you know whats best to do, like Sheryl said, life is too short to be unhappy, you are still young, and changes can be made, with him, or without him.
Everybody deserves to be happy.

Good luck, and just know, we are here for you.

[highlans]

Yes good luck and be happy life is short. xx

[Marilyn]

Sooo sorry you are going through this, especially at this time of year. You've expressed your unhappiness for a very long time. Divorce must be the last resort, but from what you have said about him, unless he will agree to counseling and get some help, you have to take care of yourself and your daughter. If he's been unfaithful, you are definitely off the hook. Didn't you express a concern about possible infidelity in another thread? It seems that a man who is so demanding concerning sex and housework may be looking for is elsewhere already. If not, perhaps your announcement will cause him to wake up and get help. No one can know what is happening in your life but you. We are to love our husbands, but they are also to love their wives, and what he is doing does not sound like love. As others have stated, please make certain that this is the only resort before taking this huge step.

Wishing you the very best!!!

[Nina]

Im new here and just lurk but i can relate to your post. i was in a relationship much like yours for 6 years. at night my ex expected me to have sex no matter how tired i was or how bad i felt. if i didnt feel like it he would get mad and not speak to me. it didnt take much to make him mad and sometimes i didnt know why. he just would stop speaking. he was never physically abusive but if i didnt want to have sex he would accuse me of having someone else on the side. i got sick of trying to please him and make sure everything was always perfect so he would be happy but i was miserable. i finally filed for divorce. im much happier now and we actually stayed friendly. best of luck to you.

[RLC12345678]

Albert Einstein said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results. I know when my hubby and I were having problems, I sat him down and told him that what we were doing was obviously not working for us. We kept doing the same things over and over expecting our relationship to magically get better but it wasn't. Both of us had to commit to making our marriage better and to both doing things to move forward in a better direction. If I were you, I would have this same conversation with your husband. But this cannot be a one-sided thing. Ya'll BOTH need to make committments to change things in your life to make your relationship work. If your husband is not willing to make any changes, that is not your fault, and I would walk away. You could also give him an ultimatum.........tell him counseling, or you're done. At least then you'll know that you tried everything you could to make it work.

I've only been married for 2 years and I'll be the first to tell you that it is definitely hard work! It is definitely a job that you have to work at everyday in order to be successful. And BOTH parties need to be committed. It takes two to make a marriage work.

Best of luck. I'll keep you in my prayers.

[judy]

Dear Toodles,

I'm divorced for the second time. I didn't learn what I needed to learn from the first divorce, and married the same kind of guy.

I do agree with Kate about you going into counseling. It is a very big decision and it is most important to have no regrets. You also may need the support a therapist can give you. My ex and I went to marriage counselling too, and it helped me further to decide to leave him. It certainly did nothing for our marriage. I'm not against it, but it's not a magic cure all either.

Follow your instincts. I did, and I have been happier every day since he's gone, and that's about 13 years now. I have absolutely no regrets. Being without a man is fine. Being with a man and unhappy is not fine.

Sheryl said it beautifully. We are supposed to be happy. Life is too short not to be.

I wish you all the happiness you wish yourself times 100.