34 Years, Hard to Believe!!!!

[goofywife]

Congratulations!!! You have to tell us your secrets, for a successful marriage.

[Janet]

I just had to come back again and see the picture of you two. Marilyn, you are so pretty, the picture is really, really good of the two of you.

[Marilyn]

Thank you again for your kind comments. There is no secret to a successful marriage. Marriage is work. You have to make deposits to the bank as you go along to be able to make withdrawals later. You have to decide that you are going to make it work and force communication sometimes so that you both understand what is needed to keep things going. You also have to be able to recognize your partner's needs and be intune with them even if they don't always coencide with your own. It's a give and take but you have to be willing to give more than you take, from your perspective. Both have to be committed to the relationship and committed to making it work. If you are, and you weather the tough times, which are inevitable in any relationship, the benefits later are amazing. There is nothing like having a life partner who you love unconditionally and who loves you in return. We still get frustrated with each other from time to time. For example, as we age and hearing begins to decline, it can be frustrating to have to repeat yourself often, but this is light frustration. The deep connection is there to make you realize that the little things are just little things.

Trust is a huge issue. You have to be totally honest with one another. No secrets. If you do this, you are never blind sided. To really understand and accept this concept, you probably have to make some mistakes. It's like a child who lies and finally realizes that they are in less trouble if they just tell the truth and live with the concequences than they are if they tell a lie and get caught. It's the same with marriage. If we make a financial mistake, for example, we need to be open with our spouse about it right when it happens and work together to figure out the solution. Doing so builds the relationship. Keeping secrets can result in loss of trust when the deception is revealed.

Hope this helps.

[DianaB]

That's very good advice, Marilyn. It also helps if Jesus Christ is at the center of your marriage.

[Janet]

I just finished reading the book by Robyn McGraw, "From My Heart To Yours." She points out a lot of life lessons that you've also mentioned Marilyn. I think it's wondrful that you have that. I wish I did.

It's hard to keep the communication open with someone that lies and stretches the truth for no reason. The lies aren't even big lies, just something that isn't true. I think that is part of our problem, I quit listening. Hard to listen when you know it isn't true. I've asked why he does that and his answer "I don't know."

[Marilyn]

Originally Posted by DianaB

It also helps if Jesus Christ is at the center of your marriage.

Absolutely!!!! My husband became a Christian 10 years ago, and our marriage has grown much stronger since this change of focus in his life. We would never be where we are today had this not occurred. It's so uplifting to see him serving the Lord's supper during worship services, hearing him lead a prayer, present a devotional or lesson to the congregation or a youth group. He brings a realism when he speaks because it's from his heart and from his past experiences when he was outside the church. People who have grown up in the church as I have sometimes don't have the same appreciation and perspective. We sometime tend to take things for granted. He gets it. He knows what Christ has done for him.

Janet, I hope and pray that your husband will someday make this change. While there is still life and mental health, it's never too late.

[DianaB]

Originally Posted by Janet

.........It's hard to keep the communication open with someone that lies and stretches the truth for no reason. The lies aren't even big lies, just something that isn't true. I think that is part of our problem, I quit listening. Hard to listen when you know it isn't true. I've asked why he does that and his answer "I don't know."

I'm sorry, Janet. It is hard to be with someone who doesn't tell the truth. My Dad was that way.

[Janet]

You know, he doesn't do it every single day....but quite a bit. Not that it would be alright, but if he was in trouble and trying to get out of it that's one thing (very childish though), but it's stretching the truth.

For instance, the other day someone said something to my husband about him and Ricky being the same size (Ricky is taller) and my husband told them that Ricky gets in his closet all the time. Ricky has NEVER gotten into his closet for any clothes. For one thing, Ricky has more clothes and his are more his age appropriate.

It's little lies like that that drive me crazy. I don't lie and find it very hard to listen to someone who does. I have a nephew that is a couple years younger than I. I love him so much but can only stand to be around him for a short time. Everything that comes out of his mouth, you can tell he's exaggerating or lying about.

I just can't believe my own husband does that now...I don't think he use to, or at least if he did it didn't bother me as much. Who knows...lol

[DianaB]

Now that I think about it my daughter-in-law is like that but I didn't think about it when I typed it out. She has a tendancy to stretch the truth. It makes her mad to think that we don't believe everything she says but we never know exactly what to believe. It really makes the girls mad when she does it towards my son. You know.....he never.....he always......you can tell when she does it because my son will be in the background shaking his head like he doesn't know what to do about it. She doesn't put my son down as much as she used to because I had a talk with my son and told him that I didn't appreciate her running him down and if he didn't talk to her about it I would. He must have said something to her because she doesn't do it as much now.

My Dad was a habitual liar and it turned into him believing his own lies. It was very fustrating dealing with him. He was quite a character. Of course, his mental illness was part of it but the doctor told us that this was his personality.

[Marilyn]

Oh, so sad that you are dealing this these issues. People just don't seem to realize that they are only hurting themselves by this behavior. So sad. Wish there was a way to help!!

[judy]

Marilyn,

I was away over Christmas so I just came across this. Happy Anniversary!
You are a lovely looking couple, and your advice is really good.

My parents were married 36 years (unfortunately, my Mom died young), but they had that kind of partnership.

Many, many more good years together!