Feeling low today

[Ponyup]

I have xanax I just try not to take it too much. I take a half of pill before bed & that seems to help me at least sleep. I talked to a girl on line today that said i'm totally normal & this skin will peel off like a sun burn. I really hope it happens soon. But i'm starting to feel a bit better.

I may take a half of xanax as soon as i get home so I can have a better dinner with my g-pa tonight. Right now I'm just thinking of the worst things that can happen & none of them are really that bad, so I really have nothing to be worried about. Now if only my head could convince my stomach.

[Ponyup]

I've decided to tell my mom about my tattoo & removal. One of the big reasons for the tattoo removal is that i know how disappointed she would of been in me when she sees it. At the time I got the two other tattoos my mom & I weren't in the best place. Now we have gotten pretty close & I feel so guilty & ashamed about this. Every time I talk to her I feel like I'm lying to her because I pretend like I'm happy & everything is okay. Everything is not okay. I'm so mad at myself & I regret this decision so much & I'm terrified of the removal. And quite frankly I feel that i need my mommy.

I feel God is telling me to tell her. I have prayed & begged about this & it's really drawn me back to church. At church yesterday it was like every song we sang was talking straight to me. They were all about turning your worries & fears over to God. I've found a way to trick my self to sleep which is I sing a song over & over in my head to fall asleep. Last nights song was "it is well with my soul". I slept pretty well, & this morning I woke up with this over whelming urge to talk to my mom about what's going on with me. It seems to me like this is what God is urging me to do. I'm terrified to tell her, I know she might be disappointed or point out how stupid it was in the first place, but I doubt it. She tends to be really judgemental, but when I actually need her & she can tell I'm upset about something she's always there for me. Some people think she might even go to the treatments with me. Please pray that this helps with my nerves & I start to feel better & that she takes a mind of support instead of judgement. If this doesn't help my next step is therapy.

[judy]

I like you Rhonda!