Ex... still!

[celstu1]

I fell in love with guy when I was 19. We were off and on for almost 10 years as a couple. After 7.5 years we bought a house together. A year and a half later we got engaged. He always told me he didn't want to get married but would do it for me. He set up the whole thing and proposed in NYC. He wanted to do it on the Empire State building but couldn't wait and did it the first night we were there! We set the wedding date and suddenly it was like pulling teeth to get him to do anything for the wedding, even go to the hall or whatnot. About 5 months later he told me he couldn't do it. I gave him about 3 weeks to make sure he was sure he wanted it over. I made no uncertain terms that if he walked away AGAIN it was really over for good. I would NEVER take him back again. I already went through it all with him multiple times. So we broke up, and we cancelled the wedding, sold our beautiful house that I loved so much and I bought my own townhouse and moved on with my life. (it was not as easy as it sounds though).

Soooo here it is OVER 3 years later. I want to make clear that I do not miss him so to speak, but I soo miss what we had! I miss how much I loved him. I miss my old house. I miss things still. Its awful. We were together almost 10 years.

The thing is I am now dating a WONDERFUL man whom I really love. I don't love him like I did my ex. I am sooo jaded and cynical. I feel that my ex was my other half, the he was my one real passionate true love. I know what we had could never sustain itself, it was soo passionate in so many ways that it burnt itself out, it takes too much energy to live like that day in and day out forever... whatever we did it was with passion, fought hard, loved hard, left hard, held our ground hard... everything in that relationship was HARD.

I have moved on from HIM. I know he has a girlfriend now also. He never goes away. I had to be the one to put my foot down and tell him to leave me alone. He would leave me in a constant state of limbo if it were up to him. He would never commit to me, but never let me go either, leave me to commit to someone else, unless I made him. After 2.5 years of being broken up and still back and forth with his crap, I did make him leave me alone. I picked a huge fight with him and then told him to leave me alone. I have not seen him since Dec 2007 and had only had 1 text message from him in the last 11 months.

My intentions were good, to take care of myself .. to not let him get to me anymore and hurt me anymore. BUT WHEN... WHEN does the jadedness go away? The anger? The pain? The memories? I miss my house. I miss my relationship with him. I miss HIM sometimes still. I am still so mad at what happened. what he did to us. I want the same passion with my new bf as I had with my ex. Is that gone? Will I ever feel that way again? I look at my new bf and I am crazy about him, in love with him and want to be with him. I can see myself married to him. I want to marry him. But (this sounds crazy) with my ex I'd see him across the room and my heart would almost swell, i'd feel overwhelmed sometimes with how much I just adored, admired and loved him. Maybe it was not love, maybe it was obsession. I need to know the difference. What I feel NOW seems to be more real, but also less glossy, less combustable.

Sometimes I still feel sooo lost in my direction in life without my ex. Its so crazy! I can't talk to ANYONE about this. Everyone thinks I'm nuts. If I try to tell my mom she freaks out that I'll go back with my ex. Thats not even an option for me, I don't want to go back either. I could never trust him anymore with my feelings, my heart. So its definately over for good.

[celstu1]

Oh theres a bit more here.

I used to want to get married, I used to want children. I feel that my ex ripped all of that away from me. He left me for the last time when I was 28. I took me over 2 years to move on enough from him and my pain and anger to even data again. I am now with a great guy, but he is divorced with 2 kids of his own, he is fixed and does not really want more kids. I am 32 in a few weeks and just do not have the desire to have kids anymore, or even to get married anymore. I don't understand why I was soo punished. Why I didn't get to get married, have a wedding, have a child. Its hard for me to take blame on myself. All I did was love a man who didn't love me enough back. I lost out on the chance to have the things I want in my life. At least I feel that way. Its hard to be 32 and realize that life did not go the way you always thought it would. I meet a great man, fall in love, get married, buy a house, have children, etc... none of it went that way. I know its ok but Im not YOUNG anymore.

I guess Im just venting here, getting things off my chest that I can't talk about out loud.

I just went to 4 weddings for 4 friends who just got married. They all got their happily ever after. They are planning to start familys within the next year or so. Do you know how difficult it is to be one of the few 'still single' people when all your friends are married? All they talk about is their wedding, their kids, thier husbands. People I related so well to suddenly we have nothing to talk about.

[judy]

Oh Honey,

You have had a rough time! My heart goes out to you.

I know many of those feelings, after TWO divorces, being left with a 7 month old, etc. I think a lot of us can connect with your emotions in one way or another.

You might really consider counseling, not because you're nuts, but because you have so many feelings that you have to get a perspective on them. Sometimes
we get overwhelmed with all the emotions of a situation. That's a good time to sit down with a therapist just to put them all in order.

[HALEY]

Aww hon, i was the same way, all my friends were married before me, i was in all of there weddings, i was the last and oldest of my group to get married, and i did marry the man that i will always love, i couldn't imagine life without Mike ( even though were going thru a rocky time right now).. but i was 36 when i got married, got pregnant on my honeymoon and had a baby at 37 years old, everything went so fast, i think that's why we fought all the time, We went from single parting free spirtied people with no responsibilitis to homeowners and parents really fast....
with way to many responsibilities and bills !!!
I know it hurts so bad to lose your other 1/2, maybe you still do want to get married and have a family? Take some time to really think about it.. Believe me you still can have a baby, i was "old" when i had my Micah, i wouldn't change it for the world, i love that baby more than life, he's what's keeping my married together right now..
Maybe the "wonderful man" your with, is not your other half you been looking for? Maybe take a break from him and try dating other people...

[celstu1]

The thing is, I don't want to take a break from the guy I'm with. I truely love him. He is the most wonderful, loving, kind, caring, smart, fun guy! We have a good time together, we have conversations, we don't fight every 2 mins (not that we never fight). My relationship with him feels so stable and comfortable. It has from the very begining. I am myself with him. In sooo many ways he is the best man I've ever dated! He is BETTER for me than my ex EVER was. My ex has a drinking problem for sure, a commitment problem definately, does not want to grow up, just wants to party and drink all the time, have a good time and spend TONS of money on all fun stuff. He went from owning a house with me, to moving in with a guy friend when we split. He just does not want responsibility at all.

I just want him out of my head and heart completely finally for good. I know it takes so much time, but its been over 3 years!! I did go to a counselor, I read every self-help book out there. I began to feel like something was wrong with me when I was not progressing by the book, so I stopped that and just started living normal life. I work, I go to school, own my own townhouse, have 2 dogs, a network of friends. I am NEVER not busy. He just creeps in when I least expect it, into my head that is. It just stinks!

[Gina]

I see that you are caught between a rock and a hard place.. My suggestion to you is do not give up on the proverbial dream which mostly every woman wants, marriage and children. You have been hurt big time for you spent so many years with the man whom you thought was your soul mate. He instead in which I am sure loved you but values his freedom the most. Therefore never committed to you. He tried to commit but got cold feet. Sadly you let him lead you on all those years thinking that he would marry you and that he would change.

Fast forward to today, you have met a wonderful man who loves you and wants to marry you, but does not want children. That would be unfair to you. You should really think about this if you marry him, can you love his children as your own? would you grow to resent him if you do not have your own children..


I think that you never got over loving your ex, even though you say you have moved on. You really haven't for these feelings would not surface. We all reflect back into time and think the following would have, could have, should have. It is normal. We all have past loves that may have not worked out and they do hold a special place in our hearts. Like some mentioned go to speak to someone whether it be a clergyman, or a therapist. To help you understand what your feeling and to help you truly move on to a healthy relationship.

Your present boyfriend may be wonderful but he may be on the rebound, and that is not fair to either of you. Get some help to put things in perspective and for all you know when you least expect it you will meet the right one. You are still young, don't settle. Good luck.

[celstu1]

Thanks ladies! I'm so blah tonight! Most of the time I am fine really, just 'he' creeps in once in awhile and throws my whole day off! I guess I just have to realize that truely moving on takes a LONG time! Yuck! I have heard that the first real break up is always the hardest, after that they get easier! I hope thats right, I dont think my heart will heal if it gets hurt like this a second time!

[HALEY]

Do you want to have kids of your own? This is something you really need to think about down deep. Like Judy said can you love his kids, knowing that your not going to have any of your own?

[pope1982]

I am a firm believer in things like: all things happen for a reason, you are the chooser of your own happiness/destiny and not to live in the past.

The things you miss are not reality anymore. They were material, and a fantasy you struck up in your mind. It is not fair to compare current situations and people to those things you've lost, as nothing is perfect.

If you do not love this man, I would suggest breaking off the relationship, if he is a nice guy, all the more reason to do it quicker. Since you say you have lost your path in life, and your happiness it sounds like you need to go on a trip of self discovery and in order to do that, you must be alone. Find how comfortable it can be being alone and finding that company within yourself...

The hurt, anger, all of that will not go away until you are ready to let it go. Everything that has happened in your life, molds you into the person you become. It is up to you what you will make of your lifes journey it is never too late, until it is too late!

And one more thing, indecision on big steps like those are normal.
I have gone back and forth a million times with myself and my soon to be husband on the subject of having kids for many reasons.
It is a really big and sometimes scary if you allow yourself to over think it enough, change in your life. Be grateful it didn't happen in your previous situation. Now if and when it happens, you will be able to truly enjoy the experience rather than feel regret and anger towards yourself.

And marriage can only be appreciated when your heart is truly smiling. Things are moving along for you the right way, don't be discouraged! Everyones journey is different, do not place too much pressure or blame on yourself.

[pope1982]

And can I say, my oldest sister is your age. She has three boys, aged 9-13fathered by three different men and is now in another relationship after a long hard road of many other failed relationships that she ran away from for one reason or another. Some guys were decent and some didn't deserve to be part of her or her childrens lives that she settled for.
I am praying she has found her happiness this time.

I am not that far behind the two of you...marrying at 26. With no real decision of when we will start our family written in stone. And we have been together since 1999.
There is no set age limit on when these life goals are accomplished, go with the flow! You are not old.