The second meeting

[Lindsey]

Originally Posted by Blueyes

Ok..my first question: WHAT was so important that they left you all day after you had made a special trip just to see them????

Work stuff and church stuff... One day his mom nonchalantly asked his sister when she was flying out and she told her whatever time and she said "Oh I wonder if one of us will be around, you might need to find someone else to drive you to the airport"
The whole church thing was very driven into their brains when they were growing up, and now none of the kids go to church. I felt like we were sort of guilted into going. His sister said no, she just got there from a flight the day before and wanted to sleep in. Their mom was angry about that and told her she should be going anyway.
I know that growing up, she would punish Scott for anything having to do with girls. All little kids are curious and do things they shouldn't be doing and it's up to the parents to teach them right from wrong, but it's going a little far to punish them and make them scared of even talking to girls. When little kids have crushes, it's cute. But to his mom it was WRONG. He was always terrified of dating and still has trouble making first moves to hold my hand or anything simple like that. He says it's because he still has this idea in his head that it's bad and it's wrong because it's what he's always been taught. His mom believes he shouldn't be touching a girl until he's married.
I did tell Scott that if things continue this way, it may be a deal breaker because I respect myself too much to keep putting myself in that situation. After thinking about it all day he said he can't stand to think of not holding me anymore and he can't get it out of his mind. He is going to ask his mom what she thinks of me and see where it goes from there. I told him just to let her know that when she says things it hurts me and she should think about things before she says them. He agreed, but she is going to be very angry

[judy]

Weren't you there a couple of weeks ago? Your own family sounds wonderful, and fun to visit, but the truth is that once you and Scott became a couple, you really should be creating your own family life. Visiting Mommy Dearest should occur only when it can't be avoided.

Distance is a wonderful thing when it comes to disagreeable family. It does sound like the two sons-in-law have figured out how to deal with her.
Don't go too often and keep quiet. Or don't keep quiet. I doubt if it would make any difference. She really sounds like there is something very wrong with her.

It sounds like Scott really has good intentions. He is on your side, and does not defend his mother at all. He probably is very frightened of making her angry. I would imagine that is why he doesn't stand up to her when you are there. She is quite abusive, and he may not be able to speak up for you for a long time.

Stay away from her Lindsey. She really is not normal. She won't be changing.

[Lindsey]

They came here a few weeks ago for an afternoon, just because they were going to a concert here. Otherwise they've never visited him here.
I just talked to my parents about it and they were like "Did you tell her she's an angry old hag?" lol. My dad couldn't believe it. He said "When Scott comes here we treat him just like family!" and that's how I've always been treated with the families of my exes too... everyone welcomed me with open arms.
But I don't even think it will matter if she does change now. The damage is done. She can't just undo that first impression. I'm not going to forget it.

[gja1000]

Lindsay, I just don't know what to say. I can't imagine saying anything like that to anyone at anytime - so I am dumbfounded. I don't any any advice and I'm very sorry that you are having to deal with this. I agree with whomever said that she is a sick woman.

[Lindsey]

Well he talked to his sisters about me tonight. They said I seemed nice. He said I had a problem with their mom and that I don't want to visit anymore and they basically said I need to just get over it. They said it's just a purse, it's just a dog, who cares. I care because it's insulting!!!
It's kind of affecting my view of Scott now too. A month ago I was sure this was the guy I was going to marry someday. Now I can't get over the feeling that his family will never accept me, and it's not even the kind of family I want to be a part of anyway. I don't want my future children to have that as a grandmother.

[gja1000]

Lindsay, my gut feeling, even though I don't have any good advice and I don't have any experience with this kind of thing is to RUN - RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!!

Given a choice, I would not want to ever be a part of that family nor would I want my children to be part of that family - ever. I don't like the answers that his sisters gave, at all! It sounds to me, that they could be as callous and uncaring as his mom.

Unless you all can move far far away, I would be very hesitant to subject myself to that treatment, even for a visit.

Of course, that is easy for me to say. And there have been others who say they had a similar experience with a mother-in-law and it did get better. So, I'm just giving you my gut feeling, not really any advice at all.

[pope1982]

Sadly, our situation has never improved. The way we handle it has
I'm never one to sugar coat, it is is a lot of work. Definitely high maintenance and a huge sacrifice but when you truly love someone, sacrifice is easy.
My new MIL didn't even attend our wedding. When I hand delivered her the invitation on Thanksgiving, I was told to stick it up my ass because she couldn't get her way with OUR wedding
It was embarassing, degrading and the last shot I am giving a relationship with her because every time I try, I get kicked harder when she snaps out of the front she is putting up because she is using me to get info about her son and our life together (he's a smart man, keeps his distance. I am the dummy that kept falling for her guilt trips and wanting the relationship to work so badly I put myself in the line of fire)

Oh well, it was the best night of our lives to spite her.

Well, I guess I shouldn't say it hasn't improved, because in a way it has. She used to call 3 times a day to ask him what he had eaten, what he was doing... etc.
Now it is quiet and peaceful, until the holidays roll around *sigh*

Our children will not know this dysfunction, I told my husband long ago I will not subject them to the brain washing and the mental torture. He agrees it is our choice and we have to do what is best for our family. It is not the ideal family life I'd always envisioned, but like Judy said, you are building your own family.
Besides, life is 10% how you make it and 90% how you take it.