What to do... - Page 2

Gina · 07-06-2007, 01:19 PM

Lindsey, think of it ,Layla is your baby. If you had a human baby you would want your boyfriend to accept her or he be on his way. You can't make someone love your dog but he shouldn't be cruel to her either. I hope that your relationship works out with this guy, if not Layla will be the one comforting you when it is over.

You need to come to some happy medium, like most said I do to think that he is jealous of this little dog. Some men are stupid, love comes in different forms and there is plenty to go around. Lindsey you have to step up to the plate, compromise but don't let it come to me or the dog...

Lindsey · 07-06-2007, 01:38 PM

Thanks Gina. I know if he ever made me choose between him or the dog, Layla would win hands down. He knows that, and he said he would never ask me to get rid of her because he knows how happy she makes me.
This weekend I am going back home for the first time since Christmas. My parents won't be around (and Kyle's not ready to meet them yet anyway!) Anyways... I asked my new roommate if she would mind if I left Layla at home for the weekend. Kyle and I will get a whole weekend to ourselves and maybe we can just go out to the lake and get away from all the stress and just have a regular talk without yelling or getting frustrated. I guess I'll see how this weekend goes and then decide if there's any future for us...

judy · 07-07-2007, 09:30 AM

Lindsey,

When I was divorced the first time, my daughter was 7 months old. We were a package deal, of course. There were no concessions to be made because she absolutely came first, being such a young child.

It taught me a lot. The most important thing I learned was that there is no right or wrong, and the reasons don't really matter. What matters is if it the relationship works easily.

The other thing I learned was that if my needs weren't being met - in this case - around my daughter, then I wasn't happy. My needs became very important to me
because I deserve to be happy. I'm not talking about a Paris Hilton kind of lala land where every need is met, but some things are just basic.

I met my second (ex) husband and he fell right in about my daughter, who he loved in the same way I did. We've been divorced for about 10 years now, and he's still my daughter's "father." They're so close. So, not only my needs were met, so were his, and so were my daughter's.

Good luck with your boyfriend. I hope it works out well.

Judy

Tink · 07-08-2007, 11:33 AM

I agree with Judy.
If someone isn't making your life happier by being in it, you need to ask yourself WHY you want them. If you can adjust to putting Layla second, fine. If you can't, then you need to find someone who won't expect you to.

The only right or wrong about it is how YOU feel about it.

Lindsey · 07-09-2007, 07:40 AM

Well, I think things are looking up. Kyle and I spent the whole weekend together with no distractions.. no friends, no Layla, nobody. I took him back to my hometown and showed him where I grew up, where I worked, where I went to school... On Saturday we went out to my cabin and spent the whole day laying on the beach and then made supper together and cuddled and watched tv because we were both too lazy to make a fire and sit outside! We had a great time. I smiled all weekend. I've opened up to him so much, we were even belting out oldies in the car! I never ever sing in front of anyone, not even my friends!
Yesterday I came home and Layla was so happy to see me. My roommate and I went out shopping because she needed some fish food, so I replaced one of Layla's favourite toys that she chewed a hole in, and she hasn't put it down yet! She slept on my bed last night, and woke me up this morning by throwing her new toy off the bed and then chasing after it. I think maybe for now I just need to seperate my time with Kyle and my time with Layla. I guess I'll just see how it goes...

07-09-2007, 10:31 AM

Lindsey, my fiance was never an animal person so that always worried me. But things changed when he first met Coco. He instantly fell in love and he loves the new little boy we got together. I never thought he'd want to get another one but he did. But because I made compromises for him along the way because he compromised for me. Coco would sleep in our bed, come out with us, and he'd walk her, feed her, clean up after her when I couldn't. So he put a lot of his feelings aside for me and Coco so when Rocco came we made new compromises together. They now sleep together instead of with us, which is comfortable for all involved. The pups dont care, we're not squished so it works out. We also gate them up to eat their own food when we're eating lunch or dinner, because they were constantly jumping all over us during meal time. So my point is you may not find someone who is also a HUGE dog lover, but you make compromises along the way for each other. But the compromise is not a one way street. You can bet your booty that if my fiance wasn't as giving I wouldn't be either and vice versa. So there's nothing wrong with compromising as long as it's fair and on both ends. Yes as much as we would like to deny it, men do often get jealous of the attention and amount of time we give our little ones, if we're not giving nearly as much to them, which is fair. So be sure to have Lindsey and Kyle time along together and then Lindsey, Kyle and Layla time. We spend a lot of time walking with our dogs and playing in the park and at home, that way we don't feel as bad when him and I just wanna go out just the two of us.

Lindsey · 07-10-2007, 06:45 AM

Last night Kyle spent the night at my house again. He was sitting on my bed and Layla was right beside him trying to play with him, her little tail was just wagging away! He ignored her. I guess it's better than trying to make her not like him. Then he was like "Will you be happy if I pet it?" She has all of a sudden turned into an "it" to him. I said yes, so he petted her for awhile. When he stopped petting her she came back for more, but he was getting a little frustrated at her so I gently picked her up and petted her for a bit, and then put her on the floor so we could have some cuddle time. She slept right beside my bed all night, and the couple of times she jumped up on the bed, I just picked her up and put her back on the floor. I think he appreciated it, and she didn't seem to make a big deal of it either. When he's not there I'll let her sleep with me, and maybe she'll start to learn when she can and can't sleep on the bed.
Kyle also told me that he would love to get a house with a big fenced yard and have a big dog, and he was like "If we end up together and I have a big dog and you have a little dog, I don't want them to just have completely different rules when they're inside." And I guess I understand that, but that would be forever away from now! I also think that when I buy my own house I would love to get Layla a little brother or sister that she could spend time with and not be so lonely all day! I think it's mostly the guilt of me being at work all day and leaving her there that makes me want to give her so much attention when I'm home with her.

judy · 07-10-2007, 09:13 AM

Dear Lindsey,

I hope I'm wrong, but I'm beginning to see a red flag here.

You're a beautiful, intelligent young woman. Don't sell yourself short.

Judy

Lindsey · 07-10-2007, 09:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by judy

Dear Lindsey,

I hope I'm wrong, but I'm beginning to see a red flag here.

You're a beautiful, intelligent young woman. Don't sell yourself short.

Judy

Yeah. I think I already know. I feel like I just want to deny it and hope for the best for a little while longer

judy · 07-10-2007, 05:23 PM

Absolutely keep trying until you're sure! You never know what will really happen.

I'm behind you

Lindsey · 07-12-2007, 08:33 AM

One more big blow-up last night. She sat on my lap for a couple minutes and he snatched her up and put her out of my room and slammed the door. I asked what was going on because she wasn't doing anything, and he said "She was making me mad. She was sitting there staring at me" So I guess it really is just anything now... we fought for hours and he kept saying "Is there even a point? Is this going to work out" and I told him "I'm not forcing you to stay here, or to stay with me. If you can't handle this, you can leave, and you don't have to be with me." and he turned it around and said "Is that what you really want? You want to just break up with me over a dog?" eventually we just both got tired of fighting and crying and he cracked a smile and told me he's sorry and i'm beautiful. This morning he left my house all happy, but I can't stop thinking about it. I just sent him this email:

Hi. Well I really don't know what to say here. I'm not trying to be grumpy and I'm not mad. I've just been thinking about last night. I wouldn't have gotten into this relationship at all if I thought it wouldn't work. I don't put a friendship at risk unless I really really like someone. I didn't see this coming, all the fighting. It just came up out of nowhere. Why did you get involved if you knew this all before? You and Ryden had talks about my dog, you've told me that. You knew the situation before you got into it. You even said it just kept building up over the whole time, so why didn't you just stop when it started bothering you? Is she really the whole problem here?
If you're already thinking that this isn't going to work and it's not worth working on, then let me know. I do really like you and I want to be with you, but sometimes I don't want to deal with all the frustration I feel from fighting over and over about the same thing. I don't think we've gone a week since we've been dating that you haven't asked me if I'm dumping you yet. I just don't feel like you have much faith in us.
I'm not going to break up with you. You can let your little wall down, and just accept me and accept being with me. And if not, then you can take the next step. I don't want to keep rollercoastering like we have been.
I guess that's about all...
-Lindsey

Gina · 07-12-2007, 05:50 PM

Lindsey, I am by far no expert, but I am a mature older woman. I think he is grasping at straws here. My husband is no animal lover but my daughter brought Gucci home 3 yrs ago. He has fallen in love with her, he doesnt kiss her but he shows his love in other ways.

I do believe your dog is not the issue here, he is using her as. He seems to be picking at fights with you for no apparent reason. Like Judy has mention earlier your a beautiful young intelligent girl. Do you really need this drama in your life? I personally think that you should move on. Don't settle, not at your age. Have the men chasing you. You deserve better than that. I have a 20 yr.old daughter and this is what I would be telling my daughter if it were her... Good luck sweetie.

AngieDoogles · 07-12-2007, 07:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gina

He seems to be picking at fights with you for no apparent reason.

I agree Gina. Lindsey, you need to do what is best for you. You don't want to end up in a long term relationship where there are fights like this all the time. You deserve better. Good luck girl!

Shada · 07-12-2007, 09:40 PM

I can see so much of myself in your posts about this guy...

This was a few years back, but I was seeing somebody, who said all the right things, did all the right things, THEN, when he thought he had ME in control, started in on the dogs..I had two dogs, (still have them, but he is gone!!)

He at the beginning, 'loved my dogs', then he changed to a person who did not want to be bothered, my dogs were constantly yelled at, not allowed off their beds, when he was around, he continually spoke to them harshly, 'lay down, get on your bed, get out of the kitchen, stay out of the bedroom".. it got BAD, I let it go for awhile thinking he would change, the only thing that changed was my dogs attitude when he was around. They turned into fearful creatures that were scared to make a move whe he was around.

Truthfully, when he was here, they were scared to move off their beds. Within 1 minute of his leaving, they were once again happy dogs. They apparently were terrified of him!! We got into many fights, disagreements, over the way he treated my dogs. My dogs are not wild unmanageable creatures. As I am sure yours is not.

Main thing I am trying to say here is:
This is a control issue. Do not let him control how you live with your dog. If he wins this battle, there will be another.. then another.. till he has total say about your every move or thought.

I got rid of that idiot. I want someone who can, and will accept me as I am, to accept the pets I have, if they can't, then goodbye.
They were here before any man, and when I took them into my home, I promised them a life with me, a life where I could give them the loyalty they give to me.

I am a package deal. Love me, love my dogs.

Lets say you let him win the dog battle, you then have a happy man who controls you, and a dog who is terrifed and can't understand...

What is the next battle??

judy · 07-13-2007, 05:20 AM

Lindsey,

Maybe it's time to start focusing on something else . He's just not....whatever.

So, what kind of tattoo do you want to get? I have some good websites and you have the one you designed. Maybe you can get TWO!!!!

Judy

PS Sorry sweetie, but I think "And the truth shall set you free."

07-06-2007, 01:38 PM	#17
Lindsey Donating 4WT Talker Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Saskatchewan Posts: 3,764	Thanks Gina. I know if he ever made me choose between him or the dog, Layla would win hands down. He knows that, and he said he would never ask me to get rid of her because he knows how happy she makes me. This weekend I am going back home for the first time since Christmas. My parents won't be around (and Kyle's not ready to meet them yet anyway!) Anyways... I asked my new roommate if she would mind if I left Layla at home for the weekend. Kyle and I will get a whole weekend to ourselves and maybe we can just go out to the lake and get away from all the stress and just have a regular talk without yelling or getting frustrated. I guess I'll see how this weekend goes and then decide if there's any future for us... __________________ Lindsey "I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it..." -Marilyn Monroe

07-07-2007, 09:30 AM	#18
judy Donating 4WT Yakker Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Denver, NY Posts: 8,097	Lindsey, When I was divorced the first time, my daughter was 7 months old. We were a package deal, of course. There were no concessions to be made because she absolutely came first, being such a young child. It taught me a lot. The most important thing I learned was that there is no right or wrong, and the reasons don't really matter. What matters is if it the relationship works easily. The other thing I learned was that if my needs weren't being met - in this case - around my daughter, then I wasn't happy. My needs became very important to me because I deserve to be happy. I'm not talking about a Paris Hilton kind of lala land where every need is met, but some things are just basic. I met my second (ex) husband and he fell right in about my daughter, who he loved in the same way I did. We've been divorced for about 10 years now, and he's still my daughter's "father." They're so close. So, not only my needs were met, so were his, and so were my daughter's. Good luck with your boyfriend. I hope it works out well. Judy __________________ *Judy*

07-08-2007, 11:33 AM	#19
Tink Donating 4WT 2000 Club Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Rural Wisconsin Posts: 3,707	I agree with Judy. If someone isn't making your life happier by being in it, you need to ask yourself WHY you want them. If you can adjust to putting Layla second, fine. If you can't, then you need to find someone who won't expect you to. The only right or wrong about it is how YOU feel about it. __________________ 'A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want in.. And how many want out.' England 's Prime Minister Tony Blair'

07-09-2007, 07:40 AM	#20
Lindsey Donating 4WT Talker Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Saskatchewan Posts: 3,764	Well, I think things are looking up. Kyle and I spent the whole weekend together with no distractions.. no friends, no Layla, nobody. I took him back to my hometown and showed him where I grew up, where I worked, where I went to school... On Saturday we went out to my cabin and spent the whole day laying on the beach and then made supper together and cuddled and watched tv because we were both too lazy to make a fire and sit outside! We had a great time. I smiled all weekend. I've opened up to him so much, we were even belting out oldies in the car! I never ever sing in front of anyone, not even my friends! Yesterday I came home and Layla was so happy to see me. My roommate and I went out shopping because she needed some fish food, so I replaced one of Layla's favourite toys that she chewed a hole in, and she hasn't put it down yet! She slept on my bed last night, and woke me up this morning by throwing her new toy off the bed and then chasing after it. I think maybe for now I just need to seperate my time with Kyle and my time with Layla. I guess I'll just see how it goes... __________________ Lindsey "I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it..." -Marilyn Monroe

07-10-2007, 06:45 AM	#22
Lindsey Donating 4WT Talker Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Saskatchewan Posts: 3,764	Last night Kyle spent the night at my house again. He was sitting on my bed and Layla was right beside him trying to play with him, her little tail was just wagging away! He ignored her. I guess it's better than trying to make her not like him. Then he was like "Will you be happy if I pet it?" She has all of a sudden turned into an "it" to him. I said yes, so he petted her for awhile. When he stopped petting her she came back for more, but he was getting a little frustrated at her so I gently picked her up and petted her for a bit, and then put her on the floor so we could have some cuddle time. She slept right beside my bed all night, and the couple of times she jumped up on the bed, I just picked her up and put her back on the floor. I think he appreciated it, and she didn't seem to make a big deal of it either. When he's not there I'll let her sleep with me, and maybe she'll start to learn when she can and can't sleep on the bed. Kyle also told me that he would love to get a house with a big fenced yard and have a big dog, and he was like "If we end up together and I have a big dog and you have a little dog, I don't want them to just have completely different rules when they're inside." And I guess I understand that, but that would be forever away from now! I also think that when I buy my own house I would love to get Layla a little brother or sister that she could spend time with and not be so lonely all day! I think it's mostly the guilt of me being at work all day and leaving her there that makes me want to give her so much attention when I'm home with her. __________________ Lindsey "I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it..." -Marilyn Monroe

07-06-2007, 01:19 PM	#16
Gina Donating 4WT 500 Club Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 6,025	Lindsey, think of it ,Layla is your baby. If you had a human baby you would want your boyfriend to accept her or he be on his way. You can't make someone love your dog but he shouldn't be cruel to her either. I hope that your relationship works out with this guy, if not Layla will be the one comforting you when it is over. You need to come to some happy medium, like most said I do to think that he is jealous of this little dog. Some men are stupid, love comes in different forms and there is plenty to go around. Lindsey you have to step up to the plate, compromise but don't let it come to me or the dog...

07-09-2007, 10:31 AM	#21
vainchick5 Guest Posts: n/a	Lindsey, my fiance was never an animal person so that always worried me. But things changed when he first met Coco. He instantly fell in love and he loves the new little boy we got together. I never thought he'd want to get another one but he did. But because I made compromises for him along the way because he compromised for me. Coco would sleep in our bed, come out with us, and he'd walk her, feed her, clean up after her when I couldn't. So he put a lot of his feelings aside for me and Coco so when Rocco came we made new compromises together. They now sleep together instead of with us, which is comfortable for all involved. The pups dont care, we're not squished so it works out. We also gate them up to eat their own food when we're eating lunch or dinner, because they were constantly jumping all over us during meal time. So my point is you may not find someone who is also a HUGE dog lover, but you make compromises along the way for each other. But the compromise is not a one way street. You can bet your booty that if my fiance wasn't as giving I wouldn't be either and vice versa. So there's nothing wrong with compromising as long as it's fair and on both ends. Yes as much as we would like to deny it, men do often get jealous of the attention and amount of time we give our little ones, if we're not giving nearly as much to them, which is fair. So be sure to have Lindsey and Kyle time along together and then Lindsey, Kyle and Layla time. We spend a lot of time walking with our dogs and playing in the park and at home, that way we don't feel as bad when him and I just wanna go out just the two of us.

07-10-2007, 09:13 AM	#23
judy Donating 4WT Yakker Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Denver, NY Posts: 8,097	Dear Lindsey, I hope I'm wrong, but I'm beginning to see a red flag here. You're a beautiful, intelligent young woman. Don't sell yourself short. Judy __________________ *Judy*

07-10-2007, 05:23 PM	#25
judy Donating 4WT Yakker Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Denver, NY Posts: 8,097	Absolutely keep trying until you're sure! You never know what will really happen. I'm behind you __________________ *Judy*

07-12-2007, 08:33 AM	#26
Lindsey Donating 4WT Talker Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Saskatchewan Posts: 3,764	One more big blow-up last night. She sat on my lap for a couple minutes and he snatched her up and put her out of my room and slammed the door. I asked what was going on because she wasn't doing anything, and he said "She was making me mad. She was sitting there staring at me" So I guess it really is just anything now... we fought for hours and he kept saying "Is there even a point? Is this going to work out" and I told him "I'm not forcing you to stay here, or to stay with me. If you can't handle this, you can leave, and you don't have to be with me." and he turned it around and said "Is that what you really want? You want to just break up with me over a dog?" eventually we just both got tired of fighting and crying and he cracked a smile and told me he's sorry and i'm beautiful. This morning he left my house all happy, but I can't stop thinking about it. I just sent him this email: Hi. Well I really don't know what to say here. I'm not trying to be grumpy and I'm not mad. I've just been thinking about last night. I wouldn't have gotten into this relationship at all if I thought it wouldn't work. I don't put a friendship at risk unless I really really like someone. I didn't see this coming, all the fighting. It just came up out of nowhere. Why did you get involved if you knew this all before? You and Ryden had talks about my dog, you've told me that. You knew the situation before you got into it. You even said it just kept building up over the whole time, so why didn't you just stop when it started bothering you? Is she really the whole problem here? If you're already thinking that this isn't going to work and it's not worth working on, then let me know. I do really like you and I want to be with you, but sometimes I don't want to deal with all the frustration I feel from fighting over and over about the same thing. I don't think we've gone a week since we've been dating that you haven't asked me if I'm dumping you yet. I just don't feel like you have much faith in us. I'm not going to break up with you. You can let your little wall down, and just accept me and accept being with me. And if not, then you can take the next step. I don't want to keep rollercoastering like we have been. I guess that's about all... -Lindsey __________________ Lindsey "I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it..." -Marilyn Monroe

07-12-2007, 05:50 PM	#27
Gina Donating 4WT 500 Club Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 6,025	Lindsey, I am by far no expert, but I am a mature older woman. I think he is grasping at straws here. My husband is no animal lover but my daughter brought Gucci home 3 yrs ago. He has fallen in love with her, he doesnt kiss her but he shows his love in other ways. I do believe your dog is not the issue here, he is using her as. He seems to be picking at fights with you for no apparent reason. Like Judy has mention earlier your a beautiful young intelligent girl. Do you really need this drama in your life? I personally think that you should move on. Don't settle, not at your age. Have the men chasing you. You deserve better than that. I have a 20 yr.old daughter and this is what I would be telling my daughter if it were her... Good luck sweetie.

07-12-2007, 09:40 PM	#29
Shada Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 1,228	I can see so much of myself in your posts about this guy... This was a few years back, but I was seeing somebody, who said all the right things, did all the right things, THEN, when he thought he had ME in control, started in on the dogs..I had two dogs, (still have them, but he is gone!!) He at the beginning, 'loved my dogs', then he changed to a person who did not want to be bothered, my dogs were constantly yelled at, not allowed off their beds, when he was around, he continually spoke to them harshly, 'lay down, get on your bed, get out of the kitchen, stay out of the bedroom".. it got BAD, I let it go for awhile thinking he would change, the only thing that changed was my dogs attitude when he was around. They turned into fearful creatures that were scared to make a move whe he was around. Truthfully, when he was here, they were scared to move off their beds. Within 1 minute of his leaving, they were once again happy dogs. They apparently were terrified of him!! We got into many fights, disagreements, over the way he treated my dogs. My dogs are not wild unmanageable creatures. As I am sure yours is not. Main thing I am trying to say here is: This is a control issue. Do not let him control how you live with your dog. If he wins this battle, there will be another.. then another.. till he has total say about your every move or thought. I got rid of that idiot. I want someone who can, and will accept me as I am, to accept the pets I have, if they can't, then goodbye. They were here before any man, and when I took them into my home, I promised them a life with me, a life where I could give them the loyalty they give to me. I am a package deal. Love me, love my dogs. Lets say you let him win the dog battle, you then have a happy man who controls you, and a dog who is terrifed and can't understand... What is the next battle??

07-13-2007, 05:20 AM	#30
judy Donating 4WT Yakker Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Denver, NY Posts: 8,097	Lindsey, Maybe it's time to start focusing on something else . He's just not....whatever. So, what kind of tattoo do you want to get? I have some good websites and you have the one you designed. Maybe you can get TWO!!!! Judy PS Sorry sweetie, but I think "And the truth shall set you free." __________________ *Judy*

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