I think it's over.

[rivermom]

Originally Posted by Lindsey

I am going to his house in 15 minutes to talk. I know nobody here agrees with it. I just feel I need to.

Ya know Lindsey...I am pretty much guessing that none of us members can agree with 100% of what each of us does. But it doesn't mean we are never here to listen if that's what ya need.

[Mandy]

Lindsey, most of us are MUCH older than you, and most of us have had the experience, and think "been there, done that" BUT only you know what you feel, and only you know the finer details. The advice most of us have given you, is from our own experience, and want to guard you from bumping your head like we have done. Bottom line is, these are things that you have to experience yourself, and we are here for you no matter what, you have to do, what you feel is right.

Good luck

[rivermom]

Originally Posted by Mandy

Lindsey, most of us are MUCH older than you, and most of us have had the experience, and think "been there, done that" BUT only you know what you feel, and only you know the finer details. The advice most of us have given you, is from our own experience, and want to guard you from bumping your head like we have done. Bottom line is, these are things that you have to experience yourself, and we are here for you no matter what, you have to do, what you feel is right.

Good luck

Beautifully said Mandy!

[Marilyn]

Lindsey, we are here for you, and we do have lots of life experience with relationships and we do care very much for you and are very concerned about you. I really think you need counseling. You have issues that you need to work out with someone who can give you an objective viewpoint and help you sort things out.

You are a very worthwhile person. You need to learn to stand on your own two feet and not be defined by who you are with. You need to find ways to enjoy life on your own without depending on someone else to be with you all the time.

You need to be able to say goodbye to a man who does not share you goals and interests. He is setting too many priorities over you. Why would you want to spend the rest or even the next few months of your life with someone who treats you like he does. He's sweet one minute and cold the next.

You deserve more than this!!!!!! Please find a counselor to talk to. Maybe a pastor could help, or could advise who you can go to. We all need a little help from time to time.

Know that we are always here for you and that I'm writing this out of care and concern for you wellbeing.

[katepoet]

Hey Lindsey
No matter how the rest of us feel about protecting you and nurturing you so you become all that we can see in you (which is a lot!) you are the one who has to live your life moment to moment. Do what you need to do and we will still be here. It's OK. I get the feeling you don't have anyone else to support you emotionally and are really feeling lonely. What's happening with other people in your life?

[Lindsey]

Okay, I'm going to give you all an update. I made this stupid little card on my computer this morning, saying I miss us being happy, and I want us to try to do what we can to get back to that. Then I drew a little stick person with my hair and a sad face, and an arrow pointing to it that said "me" I went to his house and he wasn't being very receptive for a minute, and then I gave him the card and he tried really hard not to smile, and he said "you're a geek" and he smiled and we talked about everything. We're not going to talk ALL THE TIME anymore, no emails at work or anything, and we're not going to see each other as much as we do, so the time we do have together is a little more special and we'll have things to talk about. This way it's easier for us to do our own activities and have our own lives with our own friends, because I think I was starting to feel smothered by the relationship. I was losing myself.
I know I have to get back into "me" mode. I need to find myself some NEW better friends here. My best friend Tyler hasn't been around much, but lately we've talked more and more and he's a good support for me. He doesn't tell me what to do, but he lets me talk out my problems and he gives advice but never in the "you should do this" sort of way. It's nice to just have a guy's viewpoint on a lot of things, and to know that none of what he says is influenced by jealousy or insecurity or anything that I get from a lot of girl friends around here. Tyler and I have been close since we were 17. He knows me better than I know myself! I really want to spend more time with him.
Another thing I want to do for myself is guitar lessons. I have a guitar but I've never learned to play well. I don't have money for lessons right now, but I'm going to see if I can persuade my parents to pay for a month of lessons for a Christmas present There's a place that does lessons about 2 minutes from my house! I also want to get back into shape. I luckily have my mom's metabolism so I could eat bags chips and chocolate bars for months on end and never gain a pound, but I don't FEEL as good as I used to. I have so much exercise equipment that I never use. I also want to start doing yoga again to feel more in tune with my inner self.
I don't open up to people well, so I've never really been able to push myself to go to counselling. One thing that helps me see things in perspective is writing. I have a journal I used to write in every single night, and now it's more like once every 6 months. I think I owe it to myself to take a few minutes before I go to bed to write in there again. Getting out my feelings and hopes and dreams and frustrations on paper really helps unjumble my mind and sort of destresses my whole life.
I really do appreciate all of your advice and support. I owe a lot to everyone here!
Oh yeah, and after he threw everything in the dumpster, he went back and dug to the bottom of the dumpster to get the bag back. He went through that to get the little bulldog stuffed animal he won for me at the fair this summer, and he gave it back to me tonight.

[katepoet]

How sweet, Lindsey. Maybe there's hope for him after all! lol!

Sounds like you have a plan that can help things defuse and settle down, and take care of yourself at the same time. I will be thinking of you and sending you all my best thoughts.

Guitar sounds like fun. I used to enjoy it a lot. Don't forget to check your local craigslist for classes, too. I found our Japanese classes there - we get lessons from a really nice Japanese woman for $10! Amazing! Just make sure you meet in a public place so you are safe with whoever it is - and ask for references first - even personal references so you can make sure whoever it is is known by someone you know or can check out.

Tyler sounds like a good buddy to have. I get tired of my friends who are always trying to give me advice - I just want to be heard and acknowledged. I know what I need to do- just need to talk through the ideas sometimes.

I found new friends when I moved by joining a book group. I also found some great friends through www.meetup.com - have you ever checked that out? There's a local ghost hunting group that is pretty cool, a writing group, a Boston terrier group - lots of folks for me to meet. Meetup is everywhere, I think.

Anyway, glad to hear you feeling better. Hugs!

[Marilyn]

Lindsey, please be careful. I'm very glad that you are better, but I can't help but let the mom come out a bit here. From what you've told us over the last few months, this guy does not sound like the person you need to be counting on to be there for you. All we see of him is the view we have from our computer chairs, but just be careful, okay!? When you hurt, we all feel for you, and are there with you. Try to have a good day, and I still think if you could find a really good counselor, it could make a big difference.

[Ponyup]

Lyndsey, I'm happy things are better, but you sound a lot like the girl I used to be. I didn't feel complete unless I was someone's girlfriend. All i ever wanted to do was get married & have children & I was so afraid that I would be alone & no one would love me. I almost married an aweful man that was very controlling & abusive because I didn't want to be alone & felt i had to be someone's wife to be something. When things got particular bad I met a guy while on vacation with my parents who was sweet & caring & excepted me for me. Things with that guy didn't go anywhere but it made me realize that there are many fish in the sea. There are guys out there that would care about me unconditionally & not be mean to me. I dumped the loser on the way back from that trip, I wanted to wait til I got home, but he put me on the spot. & i spend the next three years in college just getting to know myself. I figured out that I didn't need a man, I could be happy & support myself & be on my own forever & be just fine. Once I got to this place I found a wonderful man that complimented me. We're married now & spend all our time together. I mean all our time, we work at the same place, we take lunches together, there are very few moments we are apart & we almost never fight. It sounds to me like you're making excuses for him. I used to do this, I used to see the good in people & ignore the bad, & it got me in bad situations with bad people. You need to open your eyes & focus on yourself & truely examine whether you miss him or just miss being with someone. I'm sorry if this is harsh, you can take it or leave it, but I believe i've been where you are & I don't want you to go down that path & marry a bad guy. Be true to yourself & your dog, she truely loves you unconditionally. And any man that's jealous of a dog may have some problems.

[Lindsey]

The thing is, I don't feel that I'm at all the type of person who likes to be in a relationship. I'm my dad's daughter, very independent, and that I think is why I felt smothered. I was single for about 3 years and had the time of my life, and then I dated Ryden for 8 or 9 months. I was single again for 4 months after that and then I started seeing Kyle. We had been friends for a year and a half before dating, and when I'm not with him I miss having him in my life. I really don't think it's just missing having someone there.
I don't want to seem like I'm defending him, but honestly I come here to vent when I'm angry or stressed, and that's why a lot of what everyone sees is one-sided. He really is a great guy. If there was a 4ManTalk and he went there when we argued and told them about me getting angry at him for, I don't know, drinking too much with his friends one night, I'm sure he'd have a bunch of guys telling him to dump that crazy girl.

[katepoet]

Yeah - it's easy for grousing and grumbling to get so one-sided. But we got your back girlfriend, whatever you do!

Originally Posted by Lindsey

I feel like I made a big mistake. I'm filled with regret.
I tried to talk to him but he doesn't really want to talk. He's with his friends today at a football game. He said maybe we'll talk tomorrow.
I DO like him. I love his family, his friends, his dogs, his hugs, his kisses, his cuddles when we're sleeping in the middle of the night. I miss him laughing. I miss him making me laugh. I miss dates.
I am to blame for a lot of what goes on between us, and I just never want to admit it. If I'm in a bad mood I start fights. I bring up the topic of my dog. I bring up things that bother me, even if they're just little, and I turn them into something huge.
He has been doing better with Layla lately. If he's in a bad mood he doesn't want to be around her. But if he's in a good mood he tries to just be indifferent, and sometimes he'll pet her or try to play with her.
This might sound really shallow, but I worry that my friends or family won't think he's attractive enough for me. It shouldn't matter. If I'm happy on the inside, why does the outside matter? Sometimes I feel like I have to prove something. When I left his house yesterday morning I noticed I had 2 text messages on my phone from an ex. A really really attractive and wealthy ex. I was so drawn to his looks and charm I was with him on and off for about 2 years... even though I knew he did a lot of drugs, and he was cheating on me. He openly admitted it. He even cheated with strippers. But I was like, just LOOK at this eye candy I've got on my arm! But on the inside I was so depressed. I hated myself, I could barely even make myself eat. I was 5'8 and 112 lbs. His text message yesterday said he was hanging out with a girl who had my smile, and he thought of me, and he just wanted to say hi. It made me feel sick.
So why is Kyle so bad? Why am I trying to not let myself be happy with him? He treats me well, his family treats me well, his friends love me. My parents love him.
I think the root of us fighting so much is that we talk so much. We talk every day at work over email, then on the phone at night, and usually see each other 3 or 4 nights of the week and then we're usually together ALL weekend. We don't have seperate lives. We run out of things to talk about, so we fight.
If he's willing to give it another try (because I think I am... and most people probably think that's a mistake) I think we should just give ourselves one night a week to hang out. A designated date night. And then one weekend day and night. I need a day to myself to unwind and spend time with Layla or my friends and just get things done. And the emails at work have to stop. I'd like us to actually be able to talk about things when we get together. We pretty much know every detailed hour of each other's lives.
So what does everyone think? Is it worth another chance? Should I talk to him about it tomorrow?

Personally I wouldn't. You deserve someone who understands you and loves you for who you are. Clearly this guy is just playing with your emotions. Just my opinion. Seems like he used you for one night of fun, and then went back to his jerky behavior. Sorry if I'm blunt but I wouldn't put up with this BS

[judy]

Hi Lindsey,

So are you on or off? It seems you're back on. If that's what you want, we're behind you.

I wanted to travel too when I was your age, didn't want to marry until I was about 30, and was also very independent. I wasn't brought up to think I could really get away with doing that. Marriage was a must! So, I got married, had my daughter, and got divorced. Then I spent 11 years doing what I wanted, give or take, since I had a child. I went back to college, began my doctoral studies, and was on my way to being the scientist I always wanted to be. I left for a number of reasons (all good ones). Then, for some reason I wanted to get married again.
I think I wanted a father for mu daughter and I found one. He's a great dad, not a good husband.

Now I'm divorced again and completely free to do whatever I want. I seem to keep going back to that original plan and when I get my freedom, I'm so happy. So, I think that no matter how hard we try to fit ourselves into what we think we should be, we always return to who we really are.


It's the cycle of life.

Love ya,

Judy

[katcarasella]

Hi Nicole, saw you just joined, Welcome to 4WT!!!! We're all Yorkie Lovers here!!

[NicoleMarcelle]

Originally Posted by katcarasella

Hi Nicole, saw you just joined, Welcome to 4WT!!!! We're all Yorkie Lovers here!!

me? whoa how did you know i was on this thread?...lol