Feeling down

[blowry]

Has anyone ever feel their heart break? I mean you actually have a hurt in your chest...not a pain...a hurt...This is my second marriage..We were married 7 yrs on November 27. I was 42 and my husband was 39. He doesn't have any children and never been married before. I had been married for 19 yrs and have to beautiful daughters that are my world. I am love and am in love with my husband...very much. I know he loves me and is in love with me but, my heart tells me that we probably shouldn't have gotten married...It's a long story so I won't go into it but, his Mom died right after we met and his father was totally out of his life until this past July (we didn't even know if he was alive) I thought this would make him open his eyes and he would change...he hasn't...he wants me to have everything but, HE comes first...he is an only child and has never had to share anything...It's been a difficult road for me as I am a very giving person. I have always done for him, gone out of my way for him and never complained...In 2002 he hit a car head on while on his motorcycle...he is very lucky to be alive...he almost lost his leg...he was out of work for 6 months and on IV meds which, I administered every 6 hours for 3 weeks. I had to bathe him...I did everything for him and ....never complained...I do things for him because I love him...he is my husband...anytime I ask him to help me he gives me a hard time...sometimes I think he forgets everything that I do for him without even thinking about it. I am feeling really sad right now...I haven't been able to find a job and with Christmas this weekend I can't buy gifts like I usually do. I do have the furbabies that keep me going. He just doesn't understand...even if I try to talk to him...he turns everything around to make it seem like it's me...He has been drinking way to much and when I talk to him about this he tells me to leave the house if I don't like it...one of the reasons I left my first husband was because he is a binge alcoholic that was very verbally abusive....I jumped from the frying pan into the fire...This husband is the same only he is emotionally abusive also...I don't want to leave him although, he has told me that he has thought of leaving me due to the fact that he could have alot more if he didn't have me....I cry alot but, not around him....He was on meds that treat bipolar...I truly believe he is....he won't believe anything that I say...he thinks I am trying to make him think he is losing his mind...he has horrible mood swings and several other symptoms,...I was really glad when he went on the meds and saw an improvement...he claims he didn't see any difference in himself...well...he went off the meds...I am praying to God that he helps me with this as I don't want to go through another divorce and I do love him with all of my heart...sometimes I just don't think he cares..

I'm sorry I am being such a downer being this close to Christmas but, I just needed to type this and get it out and I know my WT family is always there for me..

Thank you for listening

Brenda~

[Tink]

Brenda, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have had years of experience with a bipolar family member, so have some idea what you're living with. Many bi-polars choose not to take their meds because when they're MANIC, they feel WONDERFUL! They feel like they just won the lottery, they're indestructible and walking on air. What they don't realize is that they take risks that destroy the lives of those who love them in the mean time.

When they're Depressed, they're too low to care if they take meds. They'd just as soon die as to have to wake up another morning. Getting out of bed requires too much effort. They cycle between these 2 extremes with little or no even ground in between. Some cycle rapidly, others much more slowly. Most do have a rhythm that you can almost come to expect after a while. Either way, they're not someone you can count on to be there for you. They aren't healthy, so can't participate in healthy relationships.

What this does to those who love them is horrific. Sadly, there's nothing you can do to make him take care of his problem. He's not being rational. It's not his fault he has this problem, but it IS his responsibility to do something about it. Whether he is capable of doing it is up to him. All you can do is to take care of yourself and decide where to draw the line. Either you can live with things the way they are or you can't. If you can't, it's totally understandable to me. I really don't believe I could.

You might give him an ultimatum of going back on meds or you're done, but if you do, you have to be prepared for him to refuse. If he's not accountable to anyone, he doesn't have to deal with this... and that's how many choose to live. It's almost easier for a bi-polar NOT to be married, as that frees them up to live their extreme moods in their own twisted way.

I'll keep you in my prayers. I truly hope he decides to get help and you can find some balance in your marriage.

[Mandy]

Hi Brenda, i'm sorry you going through this. Hope everything works out for you both!
Keeping you both in my thoughts and prayers.
Cheer up girl, we are here for you

[Janet]

Oh Brenda, my heart is just aching for you! I think Tink has given you some wonderful advice. It's up to you to decide how much you will take and for how long. Remember though that life is too short to live with heartache day in and day out. You might also want to seek counceling for yourself, to see why this is the type of man/husband you've picked twice. We all do things, not matter what it is, for a reason....you need to find out why..... so it will never happen again.

I'll keep you in my prayers sweetie....

[Marilyn]

Brenda, my heart goes out to you, too. Do you have a strong church family??? If not, you may consider finding one. You need some strong loving support. Our blood families can sometimes provide this, but they may be too close to the issue to give you the comfort & reassurance that you really need. You need someone to talk to in person who can help you cope, either a councelor, who may be expensive if you insurance won't cover, or a church family who don't ask a lot, but have a lot to give.

You and your husband are in my prayers.

[khardy57]

Brenda,
I'm so sorry you're going thru this. It's very dealing with a person who's bi-polar. I know, I have a family who is bi-polar. I will be praying for you and for your husband. It took a life and death situation for my family member to realize that he had to be responsible for himself.

God bless you.

[blowry]

Thank everyone for your kind words...I have thought about seeing a therapist for my own sanity...I keep telling myself there is a reason God put me with Eric...maybe to help him? I don't know but, I do love him with all of my heart and won't give up...I have a very strong faith and do hold onto that. I'm just praying that Eric see's the light before it's too late.

Thank you so much everyone

Hugs to you all
Brenda

[Brooke]

God bless you... I will keep you in my prayers also...

[Gina]

Brenda ,
Janet and Tink gave you wonderful advice. I cannot add to much on bi polar for I never encounter anyone in my family with this problem. I do know one thing, I had problems with my husband awhile ago, he came from an emotional abusive family, and he was doing this to me over the years, I will be married 25 yrs in the Spring. I stepped up to the plate , not realizing I allowed him to treat me this way, and sought therapy. The best thing I ever did. We are still together, he is a good man basically but a cold person. I have learned to accept him and I don't let him get away with much these days. Brenda go for therapy you will find your answers. God Bless..

[DianaB]

Brenda.....My parents were divorced and my father was paranoid schizophrenic and I know that mental illness is very hard to live with. We (my husband and I)went through the "I'm doing alright and I don't need my medicine" phase with my Dad too. We were at the point of telling my Dad that if he didn't get help that we never wanted anything more to do with him when he finally listened to us and got help. I can't image living WITH your situation. It was hard enough just dealing with my Dad occassionally.

You have to take care of yourself and find joy around you or his illness will pull you down too. Find little things to be happy about. Draw happiness and joy from your family. If you're planning on staying in this marriage you have to draw your strength from friends and family. You have to be the strong one. Don't let his ups and downs control your life.

I'm praying that the Lord will give you strength and wisdom on how to deal with this, also that you'll have joy and laughter in your life, and good friends to help you. I also pray that you'll have God's presence near you to help you with what ever you may face. Just know that you're not facing this alone, God is with you and we are here for you as well. Keep us posted how things are going. Love and prayers--Diana

[Janet]

I do want to let everyone know that seeking professional help is one thing you can do that is well worth every penny! I went to a therapist quite a while ago and told her that I didn't want my husband to know. That some friends of ours were seeking help and that my husband said "man, everyone is going nuts." She told me "never be afraid to seek help......it's the crazy ones who don't come."

That one comment made me feel so much better....it meant (to me) that I wasn't too far gone yet. Seeing the therapist was the best thing I ever did. I recommend everyone should go, whether they think they need to or not.

[Tink]

Janet, I'm glad you found someone who was able to help. If I thought I could find a therapist I could really talk to, I might consider it. When my oldest was battling bi-polar, we had one heck of a time finding someone who seemed to make any sense at all.

[red98vett]

oh Brenda...Your post made me feel so bad. I don't know what to say to help but I'll say this (Because I'm guilty of it too) The grass is ALWAYS GREENER ....

your husband sounds like he has it way better than he wants to admit & by tearing YOU down - it makes him feel better.

one thing I noticed about people who are depressed/and self centered - nothing you do is good enough. NEVER.

The smartest thing I can think of saying is remember hurtful words are just that ....words. Watch his actions....some people just can't ever be a postitive part of a relationship...they let others do the actual work the whole time in their minds .....they're actually critizing us....it's because they KNOW they have lots of room for improvement.

I wonder if you suggest you BOTH go on medication things would turn around ?? He goes back on his Bipolar meds and you get on something for depression ???

I really have NO Business offering advise here cause I think I'm in the same situation to a degree ....I normally wouldn't say this on a public forum - but you are NOT Alone sweetie. Nothing I do lately is good enough either & my husband is down all the time now - but unlike you - I'm at the point where things that used to mean alot to me no longer do.....I really miss my old life & this sounds cold but I DO think about leaving....I never would... but man - everything seems upside down you know ??? .... I guess I'm having depression issues for the 1st time in my life but the pills really didn't help me - that doesn't mean it isn't worth a try for you though right ???

and I thank God for the girls everyday - they're my reason to smile these days just like you.....

I'm really sorry and hope things work out for you both. If you ever need to talk you know how to find me - I'm a good listener.

[Janet]

I just received Robin McGraw's book. It is really good. In it, she says we need to chose how we react to words, actions...everything. It takes time and practice, but we can choose to be happy, choose to be sad...etc. I wish I could really explain it better, but she makes so much sense to me. I'm really going to try to start thinking before I react...and that's not going to be easy for me!

She was also saying in the book that her father was an alcoholic. But instead of choosing to hate her father for his "illness", she chose to love the good things about him. Maybe in someway...if you're really not wanting to leave...you could try looking at the good. I know that can be hard when we're hurting, but since I know I'm not explaining it all good enough, the book is wonderful and has given me some new insight. I just opened the book last night and only have a chapter or two left.

I wish you the best......

[red98vett]

Brenda...just want you to know I was thinking of you during the holidays and hope you're feeling better - you too Janet.