so angry!!

Hi,
I've been a lurker forawhile, but I haven't posted. Soo... here's my dilemma..

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years... we were planning on getting married, I was shopping for my wedding dress, picking out my ring, and even dining halls. (I'm only 22 by the way, he's 23) but throughout our entire relationship we've always had issues with his phone.

1st incidient: (8 months)
I always wrote them off as maybe I was being a little too jealous. But he would always carry his phone with him, he would never leave me alone with the phone, he took it in the shower with him, when he went to the bathroom, even when he went into the kitchen to cook. It was weird, and throughout our 3 years it never stopped. But whenever I would look at the phone I would find girls numbers in his phone. He said his cousin put numbers in his phone.. and since I didn't like his cousins (because they have done and said really shady things to me) I believed him. After that.. I had issues with a girl being in his house. He said the girl was for his cousin.. but I always found something weird about that, since he called me 6x that day to let me know EXACTLY what he was doing.. and how he repeatedly told me I shouldn't come over. I called the house phone, this girl answered and said they had been dating for a year... I asked him about it, and he was like, the girl was for his cousin.

2nd incident: (1st year)
We were still trying to work things out, and then some girl got ahold of my number and began prank calling me. She said this my boyfriend was her man, and that I wasn't the only girl he was with.

3rd incident: (1st year)
Some girl comes up to my sister (she was a girl who we had went to school with and we were all friends) and said to my sister that "Ashley should be careful, josh has been known to go out with more than one girl." So, of course my sister told me, and I went up there to talk to the girl and she said, "j has always been dating more than one girl at a time. I'd be careful. I'm not telling you want to do.. but my friend who dated him had to deal with what you're going thru."

4th incident: (2nd year)
I found a ton of nearly naked girls pictures in his phone. He blamed it on his cousins.

5h incident: (3rd year)
I found text messages with him and another girl. I called the girl, she said they had been going out for a year. He and I were practically living together at this point. He told my parents he wanted to marry me, and asked for their permission, etc. And she said, that when she saw my name in his phone, she asked him who I was and i was only "just a friend." He told me not to believe her because women lie. But I did, and asked her if she could send me a picture of them together. SHE DID. I sent him the pic, he first denied he was in it. Denied that he knew her. Then said, it was a pic taken a long time ago.

So, after this.. i broke up with him. But I still talk to him..am I justified in breaking up with him? I just don't know why I can't let go.. But I know the feelings I used to have with him aren't there for him. There's this guy in my criminal justice class, that I really do like.. but for some reason despite everything I don't want to let go of my ex boyfriend. what do I do?
Sorry for it being so long!

Ashley

[AngieDoogles]

I noticed this user online earlier and so I sent her a PM welcoming her to the community. She PM'ed me back saying that she was having difficulty getting a thread to submit, so I'm doing it for her. Here is what she said:

Hi,
I've been a lurker forawhile, but I haven't posted. Soo... here's my dilemma..

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years... we were planning on getting married, I was shopping for my wedding dress, picking out my ring, and even dining halls. (I'm only 22 by the way, he's 23) but throughout our entire relationship we've always had issues with his phone.

1st incidient: (8 months)
I always wrote them off as maybe I was being a little too jealous. But he would always carry his phone with him, he would never leave me alone with the phone, he took it in the shower with him, when he went to the bathroom, even when he went into the kitchen to cook. It was weird, and throughout our 3 years it never stopped. But whenever I would look at the phone I would find girls numbers in his phone. He said his cousin put numbers in his phone.. and since I didn't like his cousins (because they have done and said really shady things to me) I believed him. After that.. I had issues with a girl being in his house. He said the girl was for his cousin.. but I always found something weird about that, since he called me 6x that day to let me know EXACTLY what he was doing.. and how he repeatedly told me I shouldn't come over. I called the house phone, this girl answered and said they had been dating for a year... I asked him about it, and he was like, the girl was for his cousin.

2nd incident: (1st year)
We were still trying to work things out, and then some girl got ahold of my number and began prank calling me. She said this my boyfriend was her man, and that I wasn't the only girl he was with.

3rd incident: (1st year)
Some girl comes up to my sister (she was a girl who we had went to school with and we were all friends) and said to my sister that "Ashley should be careful, josh has been known to go out with more than one girl." So, of course my sister told me, and I went up there to talk to the girl and she said, "j has always been dating more than one girl at a time. I'd be careful. I'm not telling you want to do.. but my friend who dated him had to deal with what you're going thru."

4th incident: (2nd year)
I found a ton of nearly naked girls pictures in his phone. He blamed it on his cousins.

5h incident: (3rd year)
I found text messages with him and another girl. I called the girl, she said they had been going out for a year. He and I were practically living together at this point. He told my parents he wanted to marry me, and asked for their permission, etc. And she said, that when she saw my name in his phone, she asked him who I was and i was only "just a friend." He told me not to believe her because women lie. But I did, and asked her if she could send me a picture of them together. SHE DID. I sent him the pic, he first denied he was in it. Denied that he knew her. Then said, it was a pic taken a long time ago.

So, after this.. i broke up with him. But I still talk to him..am I justified in breaking up with him? I just don't know why I can't let go.. But I know the feelings I used to have with him aren't there for him. There's this guy in my criminal justice class, that I really do like.. but for some reason despite everything I don't want to let go of my ex boyfriend. what do I do?
Sorry for it being so long!

Ashley

I hope she comes back to see the responses...

[Tink]

Ashley, I'm sorry you've had such a time with a cheater.
If this guy has such a "thing" about his phone, how did he explain his cousin having access to it? It simply makes no sense.

I think you're doing the only reasonable thing in getting away from him. No one deserves to be cheated on, yet sadly many put up with it out of fer of being alone. I'm so glad you aren't that desperate.

I hope you're able to post here with us soon. This site is filled with a bunch of really terrific ladies who I think you'd really enjoy.

HUGS

[Mandy]

Hi Ashley, sorry you going thru this. But its better to find out before you marry him. You did the right thing, give yourself time to deal with it, and move on.
You deserve much better, and the right man is out there for you.
Him blaming hes cousin with hes phone sounds very shady, why would hes cousin have acces to hes phone

Stay strong girl, we are here for you - we care!

[Janet]

After all that time, all the incidents....RUN LIKE THE WIND!!!!

[DianaB]

You've had too many instances with others telling you that he's running around on you and they've been from different people. Listen to what they're telling you and what you've already figured out. Is this the kind of life that you want if you should marry him? All the secrets? Always wondering if he's telling you the truth? It doesn't sound like he's been honest with you or you wouldn't have questions about his behavior. My suggestion is like everyone else"s---RUN AND DON'T LOOK BACK! It sounds like a really bad idea to marry this guy!

[AngieDoogles]

Oh you got it to work! That's awesome!

As for your boyfriend, I definitely agree with the others. You DO NOT want to end up married to a man like that. If the lying and cheating is this bad already, imagine how it would feel to be married to him. You deserve SO much more, girl! And the the perfect guy for you is out there waiting for you to find him. Keep searching and don't waste any more time on this guy. Just my opinion...

Yeah, you're probably right. But he keeps saying.. whenever I bring the past up.. that I'm looking for something to be mad at him with. He's like, "Ashley would I give a key to someone I didn't love? I gave you a key to my house, I wouldn't do that to someone I didn't care about." etc etc. I don't know what to do. I do love him, but I hate the fact that its three years I've wasted. I absolutely, hate that the most.
I just don't know how to break it off with him. He threatens to come to my house, and make a huge scene if I decide to break up with him. I bought 384 tickets to my christina aguilera concert and we had to leave early because he argued with me in the concert arena in front of everyone... all because I was texting my sister (who was also there) So I told him (to save any more humiliation) that we need to just go. Then he made a complete a$$ out of himself outside and yelled at me as went to go look for my car... I guess, as I write this, I know that our relationship needs to end.
What I don't know how to do is figure out how to completely erase him from my life?

[Mandy]

Its easy for us to say, but you are the one thathas to deal with it, and im so sorry.
He sounds like he is insecure, by threatening you that if you break up with him, he will do so and so. if he truely loves you, he will see you are unhappy, and out of love he will want to work on himself, or let you go.
You wont ever be able to erase him out of your mind, you have both shared 3 years of life together. He needs to grow up, and take responsebility for hes actions! Making a fool of himself at the concert is just ridiculous, simply because you were texting your sister? PUHULEEEZZzz - IMO its the guilt in him talking.

[AngieDoogles]

Ashley, I hate to say this but he sounds SO controlling and usually guys who are controlling when you are dating, only get worse when they are married...often to the point of physical abuse. I'd hate for you to get into a situation like that. You are in a very critical point in your life right now and I hope you are incredibly careful about the decisions you make. It would be better to leave, feeling that you've wasted three years of your life, than to stay and waste the rest of your life.

Good luck Ashley. Please keep us updated.

[Chandra Amaya]

I agree with what everyone else has said hon. You are lucky to get out before you married this guy. To try to ease the pain, try hanging out with some fun freinds. You need to remember that you are a fun person & don't need him to feel loved or cared for. I hope you feel better soon & we are always here.

[Janet]

Are you absolute sure you "love" him or is he just someone you're use to? Sometimes it can be really confusing those two. I would walk away and never look back. There is so much more out there, no one should let someone treat them that way......EVER!!

[Forgivenmom5]

Ashley, you need to trust your instincts. I have been in this situation twice and tried to lie to myself that it was just me-I was just being insecure they wouldn't cheat. I was right all along I just didn't want to face it. It takes a while to get over it but in time the peace of mind is worth more than having them and wondering what's going
on every time their phone rings or they go out the door. You deserve better than this.

[Janet]

See Ashley...not only have people given you advice, but some that have actually been through it. He won't change, only you can, by not allowing yourself to be treated this way. You need to tell yourself that you deserve more, then walk away!

[Gina]

Originally Posted by Janet

After all that time, all the incidents....RUN LIKE THE WIND!!!!

Ashley cant say it better than JANET JUST DID!! Better now than being married for a few mts. and he decides marriage is not for him. My nephew is going through this but @ 30 he and is wife. They had a beautiful fairy tale wedding in Oct.06, she tells him last week that its over. No counceling , no nothing.. So honey you are young and he is to. .Move on...