What to do...

[Lindsey]

Hey everyone... I've had a bit of a stressful week and I guess I'm looking for advice or just to vent a little...
In my last thread I mentioned Kyle. We had been seeing each other for a month or two and then decided to start dating. I really like him. He does cute fun things with me that every other guy I've dated has refused to do. He takes me to the zoo, walks down by the river, bowling, we go out for mini golf and ice cream, he even took me to the wavepool I loved going to as a kid (turns out it's much tinier than I remember and not quite as fun as an adult!) I love his friends and his friends love me, and I like that he tries to protect me and has no problem showing affection to me in front of anyone.
Well all of a sudden he's gotten a grudge against my dog. Layla is my life, we're a package deal. I don't mind if there's little things he doesn't like, because she does get annoying sometimes! But last week it just started where he'd be constantly saying my dog smells bad and I need to bathe her more (I bathe her once a week... she only starts to smell a little bad right before bathtime after she's accidently gotten some pee on her hair, so I've started trimming that constantly to keep him happy). So after that he complains that she still pees on pee pads... well excuse me but I'm at work all day and she can't hold it that long! I also don't have a full fence around my yard so anytime she has to go I'd have to put on her harness and leash and walk her around the yard. The pads work for our lifestyle. So then he complains that she sleeps on my bed! We've had at least 3 blow-ups in the past week about it, and last night I couldn't take it and said "Just leave" and he walked out of my house and drove away.
I don't know what to do. He texted me as soon as he left and said he doesn't want to fight. I told him I wanted to talk. We drove around for awhile and parked and talked. I cried a lot. Basically he said he doesn't want to fight and he wants to be with me but he seems to get more and more annoyed everytime he sees my dog. I don't want to break up with him because he really does make me so happy whenever he's not mad about my dog. He said he'll just try not to be so vocal about it but is it going to be any better if he's just keeping it all inside? I'm confused and I don't know what to do about the situation

[Lissa]

Wow, I don't know. Since it would seem yall have already had a talk about it my usual (and best) advice of talking about it won't seem to work. This is a problem he's going to have to be mature about. She's you're dog and like you said it's a package deal, and his problem with the pee pads is ridiculous. Maybe he's a bit of a germaphobe and views it as unsanitary. The way I see it this is all him, and he's the one that needs to be mature about it, maybe he could offer to help you give her a bath or something. But from what I've seen and experienced, bottling things up doesn't end well when things eventually overflow.

If you haven't already, I'd sit him down and explain to him that you love your Layla and she's a part of your life and she's going to be a part of your life for some time, and that you don't want this getting in the way of yall's relationship. I'd do it when he's not flustered about it, bring it up when he's calm and collected that way he won't have his emotions getting in the way of hearing what you're saying.

Also this isn't a favorable trait, I know my boyfriend has a bit of a short temper sometimes and even I can't calm him down too well when he's really frustrated and that scares me sometimes. I'm hoping that as he matures he'll get better at it. Same with your guy, he probably just has a bit of maturing to do cause from an outsider's point of view it's a tad bit pathetic on his part that he's letting something like this come between yall.

[Lindsey]

Thanks Lissa, and I agree that he's being a little immature about it. He even admitted last night that there's no reason we should even be fighting about a dog. I asked if I changed everything that upset him, would he find something new to fight about? He said he didn't know. It seems to be just how he is. I know in his past relationships there was a lot of fighting... I never thought it was because of him but maybe it is. Even he admitted maybe he's just the screwed up one in every relationship. So I said "Do you even want to be with me or is there some reason you're trying to make me mad because it seems intentional" and he said he wants to be with me more than anything, and he wants us to be happy together and stop fighting. I asked if I'm worth putting up with my dog. He couldn't answer. Layla's only a year and a half old, she's going to be with me still for a long time. He suggested maybe we just hang out away from my house so I said "Well what if this works out? In 10 years would we still be hanging out away from my house?" I just don't understand this at all. At the start he loved her and played with her all the time and talked about how cute she was... Now he's trying to make her scared of him so she doesn't come near him... he said he hates when she's even in the same room.

I just met him for lunch because I've been having a really bad day at work, I was so stressed out I even had some tears overflow on my way to meet him. He gave me a hug and a kiss and talked to me about it until I felt better. That's the part of him I've fallen for, that's how he is 90% of the time.

[Tink]

Lindsey, is it possible that he's a bit of a control freak?
If so, it's best to recognize it early.

When my dh and I were dating I had 3 adult german shepherds. He knew without being told that they weren't going anywhere. One of them got badly injured and required expensive surgery. After the surgery was done the hospital informed me that I couldn't take her home until I'd paid them in full. They would of course be charging me a boarding fee every day that she was there as well. When I was sitting home crying over it and trying to decide how I was going to afford to pay for it, HE went to the vet hosp, paid for it, and brought her home to me!

THIS is the kind of guy you want in your life for the long-term. He doesn't have to love your dog, but he should love you enough to accept that part of your life without making you feel you need to choose between the 2 of them.

I don't know what you should do, as it's a decision only you can make; but I'd definitely see it as a warning flag as to his true character.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Lindsey]

Thanks Tink. I don't really feel that he's a control freak. With anything else he's very laid back. Your story made me think of the FIRST day we started dating... Of course we'd been seeing each other for awhile and we'd been friends for more than a year before that. My other love is sportbikes. If you remember, I bought one earlier this year and I've developed a passion for riding. So this day he drove me to pick up my bike after the first tune-up so I could enjoy the day on my bike while he and his friends went wakeboarding at the lake. He asked if he should wait for me but I said no I'll be fine! So he drove away to pick up his friends. Turns I didn't have enough money in my account to pay for it and I was stranded there. After getting through to him he came right back. I thought he was going to just take me home and I'd wait for my next paycheck to pick up my bike. Nope, he paid for it, and I got to ride. He wasn't even anxious for me to pay him back.
I don't think he will ever love my dog. But I think I can also work on her a little to be less needy. I got her when I was heartbroken and lonely and she was everything to me, and I pretty much gave everything to her. Kyle calls it her "princess attitude" and it really kind of is... When she whines, I'm right there for her. Kyle has two big dogs so I guess there's a big difference there. This whole thing was set off when I said if I don't have someone to at least give Layla fresh cold water for the weekend, I'd be taking her with us to my cabin. He said if his dogs can drink warm water and not die, why can't mine?

[Marilyn]

Lindsey, sounds like he might be just a little bit jealous and resents your dog for this reason. This could be something to think about for the long term. He could feel this way about children, also, and that would definitely not be good. You've been hurt before, and excuse us if we start acting a little bit motherly toward you, but we do care about you and know you deserve the best!!!

[RLC12345678]

Lindsey, I can totally relate. When I started dating my now dh in college, we both had dogs. I had a yorkie that my ex-boyfriend had given me and he had a lab that his ex-girlfriend had given him. We both hated each other's dogs because they represented our ex's. Both of our dogs ended up going to live with our parents, for many reasons, not just because we didn't like each other's dogs. Anyway, to this day our parents still have our dogs we had in college & now DH and I have a lab and yorkies that are OURS, not just his and hers. I'm sure your bf doesn't like Layla bc Layla isn't HIS. If I were you, I would try really hard to get your BF to accept Layla and try to make her "his" as well as "yours." Ask him to take her on walks and help you give her baths. Try to make him feel like you aren't putting Layla in front of him (even if you are). If it gets REALLY serious (or if it already is) between you two, refer to him as her "daddy." Make him hold her and give him kisses. I think he'll come around in time if he really loves you and if it was meant to be. Some people just aren't dog lovers. Hubby and I both love OUR dogs, but neither of us are keen on other people's dogs.

[AngieDoogles]

Great advice Rebecca!!

[Lindsey]

Thanks for all the replies!
My ex was very jealous of Layla. He admitted it. Whenever he came over he got upset when I'd give attention to her (for most of our relationship we lived 2 hours apart so we just got weekends together). He always asked why she has to sit on the couch with us, why does she get to be in my room while we slept, etc. Kyle and my ex are friends. Kyle told me that night that we had our talk that maybe it's just because Ryden hated my dog so much, he thinks most of his dislike just comes from stories Ryden has told him.
And, the first night we had a fight about her, I said something I regret... I was trying to tell him that she's huge part of my life and that would never change. I said "I love her more than I could ever love a person" and he got even more angry and said what's the point of even dating me. It's not something I should have said, but I think it's true!
Rebecca, I know he is a dog lover, but he's a "big dog" lover. He hates little "wussy dogs" like mine. Like I've said before, she is very princessy and sort of high maintenance. I have to brush her every night and bathtime takes an hour every week. But soon I'm giving her a shorter cut for the summer so that should cut down on a lot of time... He just doesn't understand why I have to brush my dog at all or why I do anything for her.
Oh and Marilyn, I love that you all care so much. My relationship with my mom isn't so great and I never talk to her about things like this... she hardly ever knows when I'm even dating someone! So I'm really glad I have all of you to talk to!

[Tink]

Lindsey, You'll get all the surrogate mothering here that you can handle. LOL

[Lindsey]

Originally Posted by Tink

Lindsey, You'll get all the surrogate mothering here that you can handle. LOL

haha well everyone needs a mom or two right?

[DianaB]

Lindsay, your boyfriend has admitted that he's jealous of your dog. He's jealous of the attention that you give her so try not to give her much attention while he's there. He wants to feel that he's number 1 in your life, not number 2 after a dog. My husband feels the same way and I've quit giving Reuger as much attention when dh is home. Also, you may need to train Layla not to jump on the couch or bed so you can have that privacy as well or put her in the bathroom or kennel. Good luck.

[Lindsey]

The problem is I LOVE having Layla with me. I'm not with Kyle all the time, and when he's not around I like laying on the couch and having her come cuddle up next to me, or having her to cuddle in bed. I guess lately while I sleep Kyle kicks her off the bed. I woke up once and he said he does it all the time. She won't even sleep with just me anymore He only spends the night maybe one or two nights a week... on the weekend if we go out and get home late he just stays over. The rest of the week I'm kind of lonely without her! I can get her on the bed but she won't even lay down, she'll jump off and go sleep on the floor. I feel bad putting her in a seperate room when he comes over. I want them to have a relationship. Everytime he pushes her away she looks at me with her big sad eyes like I should do something about it and I'm so torn!

[Marilyn]

Lindsey, I'm sorry, but to me it looks like if you really want this guy around you are going to have to make some concessions for both you and Layla. You can't have him kicking her off the bed!!! If he's going to keep being there, you need to kennel train her so that she can sleep in the kennel when he is there and learn that it is safe to sleep in the bed with you when he is not there. For your and Layla's sanity and safety, this might be the best solution.

I have my little Zoe and know how close we can be to our furbabies. Melissa can vouch for that. However, it's not fair to her to have him kicking her around.

[Lindsey]

I was just thinking about this some more... and maybe he doesn't really hate the dog, but hates me constantly telling him he can't do whatever he's doing. He plays rough with his dogs. So when he used to play with Layla and start getting a little rough I'd be like "Be careful of her back, that's hard on it" or "Don't hurt her legs!" or "That's scaring her!" So maybe now he just wants to not be around her at all. He's very very stubborn, and so am I. I know he hates to be wrong (what guy doesn't?!) so maybe this is just his way of acting out at me. It just came about so suddenly that I really can't make myself believe that he just started not liking her and being so expressive about it out of nowhere.