What are your relationship tips?

[Dobie]

Every relationship has room for growth - I think it's working on the growth that cements the bonds of a relationship and makes it stronger.

If we all post some things that we do to make our relationships successful, we might learn some positive approaches from each other in areas that we might be struggling.

Jim and I have agreed on a couple of rules when we have a disagreement. We are both committed to these and I think it allows us to speak our minds without being hurtful or abusive.
1. Absolutely no name calling or profanity to make a point. We agree that we love each other, so calling each other a jerk, bitch, or whatever is unacceptable even if we are angry.
2. We have a red checker velcroed to the fridge - if we are having a disagreement and someone feels that it is hostile or they are feeling attacked, the checker comes out and the discussion is tabled for 24 hours - we agree not to discuss until we can each re-evaluate and reapproach with cooler heads
3. This rule is the one that I have to remember because sometimes I'm tempted to break it - no bringing up previous arguments, we have resolved issues in the past, there is no reason to throw something back in the other person's face just to be hurtful

One thing I do to show Jim that I appreciate him is in the winter I put towels in the dryer as he is getting into the shower - when I hear the water turn off, I run down grab the towels and run them into the bathroom so that he can dry off with a nice toasty towel.

I'd like to hear how some of you work on your relationships, like I said, maybe we can all learn from each other.

[teri88]

Dobie, those are great rules! Kenny and I very rarely argue. (He usually gives in to me lol) Seriously though, we have such respect for each other that we don't let things escalate into shouting. He hates shouting because his parents fought constantly. We talk everything out and I guess if we have a rule it's that when someone (even the kids) are talking you listen. We never talk over each other when we are discussing something. You talk. Then you listen. Then you talk some more. It's worked so far, we have been married for 20 years!

Both of us have always tried to put the other's feelings first. We do little things to let the other know that we are thinking of them. Even something simple like he'll buy something in the grocery store because he knows it's a favorite of mine. (like mallow mars...they are only available certain times in the year and he's always on the lookout!) I made him a CD for his birthday of songs that mean something special to us. Money is tight for us so we try to find things that don't cost a lot of money but say "I thought of you today"

I'm looking forward to hearing from others on this thread. It's a great idea!

[Tink]

With my hubby being gone so much for work, one of the biggies for us is to be open and honest with each other. He can't possibly know all that's going on at home unless I keep him informed. It's very important to him that he's not left out but can happen easily if I start leaving things out to protect him or avoid his being angry.

I think with us, it also helps that we're not terribly dependent on each other. We both have our own interests and hobbies, so we support each other participating in them, but don't expect the other to necessarily join in. When we are together it's because we WANT to be... not that we NEED to be.

We both have a love of laughter and try to have a sense of humor about life as much as possible about minor annoyances. Often we are both able to ease the other's tension with private jokes we've come up with over time.

[pope1982]

Respect is huge, don't hurt just because you are hurting. It is not right to use your mate as a verbal punching bag. Sure they are left standing by your side when the smoke clears but that is not the go ahead to dump all over them. If you need to talk, talking is fine but make sure you are not directing your frustration their way.

Never put your mate in the uncomfortable position of being caught in the middle with issues involving family or friends.

Some men have a harder time expressing themselves in words, don't shut down because you feel like they are hiding something or not putting as much into it as you because they want to share things with you. They admire our ability to put things into words, and wish they could share their thoughts and feelings that way.

Support and talk about dreams for our the future together often.

Cuddle.

Don't forget the inside jokes, you have to have the inside jokes...

Forgive fast and on the other hand, always express how sorry you are when you are the one having the rough day.

Listen to each other. Even if there are no words.

Make first memories together.

Don't put family or friends in the middle of your arguments, it will only get them angry at your mate and your problem (though it may seem like the end of the world at the time) will blow over.

Kiss.

Fair is fair. What is good for one, has to be good for both or it is taken off the table and no deal. IE hanging with the buddies, how to spend the household money...

If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Don't be envious and read magazines or listen to girlfriends wishing for the type of relationship someone else is telling you you should have. Remember your love for one another always and let it support you both through life.

Don't pick at each other. No one is perfect.

Here are a few words of encouragement we are having incorperated into our wedding ceremony:
MARRIAGE JOINS TWO PEOPLE IN THE CIRCLE OF ITS LOVE
~ By Edmund O'Neill ~


Marriage is a commitment to life, the best that two people can find and bring out in each other. It offers opportunities for sharing and growth that no other relationship can equal. It is a physical and an emotional joining that is promised for a lifetime.

Within the circle of its love, marriage encompasses all of life's most important relationships. A wife and a husband are each other's best friend, confidant, lover, teacher, listener, and critic. And there may come times when one partner is heartbroken or ailing, and the love of the other may resemble the tender caring of a parent for a child.

Marriage deepens and enriches every facet of life. Happiness is fuller, memories are fresher, commitment is stronger, even anger is felt more strongly, and passes away more quickly.

Marriage understands and forgives the mistakes life is unable to avoid. It encourages and nurtures new life, new experiences, and new ways of expressing a love that is deeper than life.

When two people pledge their love and care for each other in marriage, they create a spirit unique unto themselves which binds them closer than any spoken or written words. Marriage is a promise, a potential made in the hearts of two people who love each other and takes a lifetime to fulfil.


An excerpt from "The Master Speed" by Robert Frost
Two such as you with such a master speed
Cannot be parted nor be swept away
From one another once you are agreed
That life is only life forevermore
Together wing to wing and oar to oar.

[pope1982]

The little things. Do them for each other and remember them always!

[goofywife]

We do a personality test here at work. So, I ran one on my DH. Of course he has a rare personality. One that really doesn't care what other people think etc., So every time he is being a butt head. I remind him that only 1.5 % of the people think like he does. We also new someone else who had a profile like him. I tend to throw that around too sometimes.

[DianaB]

Everyone has mentioned some really good things. I'm impressed!!!

Here's a few things that I've learned in my 34 years of being married.

--Don't hang around with friends who complain about their spouses. Complaining is contagious! If they're complaining you tend to complain with them.

--Appreciate your spouse! Find little things to compliment him on.......You look handsome! You smell nice! I appreciate it when you take the trash out! Talk him up to your friends and if he overhears he'll appreciate it.

--Communication! This is the most important thing of all. Keep your communication open. Don't be a drama queen but be able to keep your emotions on the level and talk. If you have a problem.....talk. Of course, you also have to listen!

--Always tell the truth! Absolutely NO LIES! This establishes trust in the relationship and if you don't have trust in your spouse you have nothing! No half truths or white lies either. My life is an open book to my husband, anything he wants to know I'll tell him and visa versa.

--Remember that men don't understand it when you beat around the bush about things. You want roses for Valentine's Day? Don't hint.....just tell him. They really don't have a clue!!!

--Don't sweat the small stuff. You've heard this one before. Ask yourself before you get angry.......Is this really worth fighting over? Don't let your anger take over.

--Find a common interest. Does he do his thing and you do yours? Find something that you both enjoy doing together. My husband and I once played recreational volleyball. We talked and talked about it and really enjoyed being together. It's one of the things we don't do anymore and miss.......You CAN take up fishing or other things. Let him know that you're doing it to spend time with him. He'll appreciate it.

--Do things unexpectedly and have fun!!! My husband never knows what I might do! I may walk through a room and pull my shirt and bra up and give him a flash! I may take a squirt guy and shoot him with water. I may jump in the shower with him. Or take a marker and make a big heart on his chest with "I love you" in it. Laughing together is good for the marriage!! Tell him a joke every day! My husband and I also leave notes for each other. When I went to Chicago, I bet that I found 10 notes from him. He put them in my wallet and in my clothes and I was still finding them when I got ready to come home. They make me feel special.

--Prioritize what's important in your life. In my life God comes first, my husband is second, and my children are third, then comes everything else. The reason that my life is set up this way is because some day my children are going to leave home and I'm going to be living the rest of my life with their father. I might as well be building on that relationship my whole married life or what am I going to have if I haven't and my kids leave?

--Never, never, never bring up the "D" word!!! Don't bring up divorce!!! Be committed to your marriage. Be determined to make it last! Marriage has it's ups and downs and we've had ours, but we've made a committment to each other that we're going to make it through to the end. I have had times that I wanted to quit and we've had our rough times, mostly because I have trouble communicating. Once we sit down and talk things through we really try to do better and work out what ever the problem is. We've NEVER brought up divorce in any of our 34 years.

--Read the book "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Together. This book explains how each of us has a different way of feeling loved. Quality time, gifts, Acts of service, touch, or words of affirmation. I need quality time and after my husband read the book he realized how much I need one on one time with him and he makes the effort for me.

--I guess that my last suggestion is to be willing to change. Are you or your husband doing something that hurts the other? Change it. Do you compain alot? Change it. Whatever is need to make things better........Be willing to change!

--Last but not least.....Pray for your spouse.

I know that this is a long list and I hope that it's helpful to someone. I need to really stress that having Jesus as my Lord and Savior has helped in our marriage so much. I firmly believe that when I put God first that everything else will fall into it's rightful place after that, including my marriage.

[Dobie]

--Don't hang around with friends who complain about their spouses. Complaining is contagious! If they're complaining you tend to complain with them.


This is one that I've never thought about - I do have a couple of friends that when we go out, it always seems to turn into a "complain about the spouse" session.

[goofywife]

I love your list!! I agree with every one of them.

Originally Posted by DianaB

Everyone has mentioned some really good things. I'm impressed!!!

Here's a few things that I've learned in my 34 years of being married.

--Don't hang around with friends who complain about their spouses. Complaining is contagious! If they're complaining you tend to complain with them.

--Appreciate your spouse! Find little things to compliment him on.......You look handsome! You smell nice! I appreciate it when you take the trash out! Talk him up to your friends and if he overhears he'll appreciate it.

--Communication! This is the most important thing of all. Keep your communication open. Don't be a drama queen but be able to keep your emotions on the level and talk. If you have a problem.....talk. Of course, you also have to listen!

--Always tell the truth! Absolutely NO LIES! This establishes trust in the relationship and if you don't have trust in your spouse you have nothing! No half truths or white lies either. My life is an open book to my husband, anything he wants to know I'll tell him and visa versa.

--Remember that men don't understand it when you beat around the bush about things. You want roses for Valentine's Day? Don't hint.....just tell him. They really don't have a clue!!!

--Don't sweat the small stuff. You've heard this one before. Ask yourself before you get angry.......Is this really worth fighting over? Don't let your anger take over.

--Find a common interest. Does he do his thing and you do yours? Find something that you both enjoy doing together. My husband and I once played recreational volleyball. We talked and talked about it and really enjoyed being together. It's one of the things we don't do anymore and miss.......You CAN take up fishing or other things. Let him know that you're doing it to spend time with him. He'll appreciate it.

--Do things unexpectedly and have fun!!! My husband never knows what I might do! I may walk through a room and pull my shirt and bra up and give him a flash! I may take a squirt guy and shoot him with water. I may jump in the shower with him. Or take a marker and make a big heart on his chest with "I love you" in it. Laughing together is good for the marriage!! Tell him a joke every day! My husband and I also leave notes for each other. When I went to Chicago, I bet that I found 10 notes from him. He put them in my wallet and in my clothes and I was still finding them when I got ready to come home. They make me feel special.

--Prioritize what's important in your life. In my life God comes first, my husband is second, and my children are third, then comes everything else. The reason that my life is set up this way is because some day my children are going to leave home and I'm going to be living the rest of my life with their father. I might as well be building on that relationship my whole married life or what am I going to have if I haven't and my kids leave?

--Never, never, never bring up the "D" word!!! Don't bring up divorce!!! Be committed to your marriage. Be determined to make it last! Marriage has it's ups and downs and we've had ours, but we've made a committment to each other that we're going to make it through to the end. I have had times that I wanted to quit and we've had our rough times, mostly because I have trouble communicating. Once we sit down and talk things through we really try to do better and work out what ever the problem is. We've NEVER brought up divorce in any of our 34 years.

--Read the book "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Together. This book explains how each of us has a different way of feeling loved. Quality time, gifts, Acts of service, touch, or words of affirmation. I need quality time and after my husband read the book he realized how much I need one on one time with him and he makes the effort for me.

--I guess that my last suggestion is to be willing to change. Are you or your husband doing something that hurts the other? Change it. Do you compain alot? Change it. Whatever is need to make things better........Be willing to change!

--Last but not least.....Pray for your spouse.

I know that this is a long list and I hope that it's helpful to someone. I need to really stress that having Jesus as my Lord and Savior has helped in our marriage so much. I firmly believe that when I put God first that everything else will fall into it's rightful place after that, including my marriage.

[Janet]

Great list Diana!

[Gina]

Diana I applaud you for sharing this great list that makes your marriage truly beautiful. I think many will learn from it..

[judy]

Pope,

I think you're going to have a very happy marriage. You are very committed to it, and, as Diana said, that's the most important thing.

My daughter and SIL have been through ups and many downs together, but they both feel that they made a commitment before God and they must keep it. I was so against their marriage, and now, I have so much respect for it, and I love being with them. They are a really good couple.

Diana, I love your list. Your house must be so much fun, and so harmonious.

I also feel that
"--Don't hang around with friends who complain about their spouses. Complaining is contagious! If they're complaining you tend to complain with them."

In my life, most of my friends who are married are very happily married. Some aren't, but it's not the focus or their lives.

[pope1982]

Thank you Judy, we are excited and proud of ourselves to have waited for our wedding day.
I tell anyone who wants to ask how we have made it this far, and still are so in love. We are literally inseparable because we like it that way...

I tell them, marriage is nothing to be rushed into. As I have said so many times before, we have been through the long distance part of it. Growing up together and moving in together at a young age. Family issues... There were definitely times we were more like brother and sister and we could have killed each other.

Of course there have been those hard times, but those are outweighed by happy times, loving moments/gestures and so many memories in nearly 10 years (this October).

This is why I am so thankful to have found a priest who shares our same beliefs. To me, it feels like the perfect joining lol Myself, my husband and our priest.
Normally Catholics frown upon living together before marriage, to them I would ask how in the hell they would expect a fairly new relationship to last?
We moved in together 6 years ago November 5th of this year, and it's scary for me to think of living apart until marriage then dealing with the adjustment of sharing your space with another person as well as marriage. It can be done, but it is so much added stress!
Add to that the number of people with surprise pregnancies like what my sister is going through. She has two children, will be 21 this month. Recently engaged, recently moved in together, with her child from a previous relationship.
The first couple of years were the hardest, I wouldn't trade to be in her shoes for anything

Brad is also 2 years younger than me, so I have waited on him for many things which was fine by me, but some people are not as patient or so I have been told time and time again.
We don't try to change each other, we appreciate each other for who we are and support the other when we do go through inevitable changes on our own.

We have always been told we don't act like we are as young as we are, and I take that as a tremendous compliment. I really do love my life, everything I have experienced has prepared me (as much as possible) and had a huge part in who I am today.

I understand what you are saying about your daughters relationship though, my parents and his have probably felt the same way. It hurts to see anyone you love go through those painful moments. What is the true judge of character is how quickly and well they pick themselves up and try again staring their fears in the face
Sounds like your daughter has a good head on her shoulders and a good man by her side!

[pope1982]

Thank you for sharing everyone. I appreciate your advice and personal stories, advice passed down through wisdom is priceless.
What a great idea for a post!

[judy]

10 years together is wonderful! You know each other inside and out.

My daughter lived with her husband and they had a child 2 years before they got married. They still had a high mass and a Monsignor married them! He's a close friend of the family and so wonderful.

On the other hand, I lived with my second ex for about 5 years before we got married, and marriage changed our relationship in a negative way.

I think the heart knows what it needs, and it sounds like you're working very well towards it.