sexless relationships

[HALEY]

Originally Posted by teri88

Haley, hon, please don't take this wrong....ummmm, how to say this without hurting your feelings? I just saw where you mentioned in another post that Micah sleeps with you. Now, I was famous for letting my kids come to bed with me when they were sick or scared or whatever. But, how can you expect a normal healthy relationship with your hubby if you have Micah in your bed? Children are a wonderful, fabulous blessing. But you can not allow your son to be first in your life, that position rightfully belongs to your husband. No wonder you are so exaughsted all of the time, neither you or Micah will get a good night's sleep while he's in your bed. I babysat for a woman who was always so tired and I felt so sorry for her. She kept telling me how Samantha was up 2 or 3 times a night at a year old. Then, one day she mentioned that Sam slept in the bed with them. I told her that Sam wasn't keeping her up, she was keeping Sam up. She finally bit the bullet and put her in her own room. It was really hard at first, both Sam and she cried themselves to sleep for a week. But finally Sam got used to being in her own room and the change in their lives was amazing.

I am not criticzing you, I'm really not. Sometimes it's hard to be objective when you are in the middle of a situation. I think your husband sounds very immature, but I can also see his problem. He is thinking acting like a baby will get your attention (he may not even realize he's thinking this) because it works for Micah. Stupid? Yup, but I'll bet that is a lot of what's going on with him.

I'd really encourage the two of you to get counseling. If you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for Micah because if you guys are happy, he will be too.

ok, enouch out of me! Sorry I'm on my soapbox.

Terri i see what you are saying, but everynight i do put Micah in his own bed, sometimes he does wake up in the middle of the night, just like last night, the thunder spooked him so he was up at 2 am and i just let him sleep with me, 1/2 the time Mike sleeps on the couch or the chair in the livingroom anyways, so Micah is in no means a bother... i sleep alone anyways.
And lately i really do feel like his mother/maid instead of his wife...

[pope1982]

Originally Posted by teri88

Haley, hon, please don't take this wrong....ummmm, how to say this without hurting your feelings? I just saw where you mentioned in another post that Micah sleeps with you. Now, I was famous for letting my kids come to bed with me when they were sick or scared or whatever. But, how can you expect a normal healthy relationship with your hubby if you have Micah in your bed? Children are a wonderful, fabulous blessing. But you can not allow your son to be first in your life, that position rightfully belongs to your husband. No wonder you are so exaughsted all of the time, neither you or Micah will get a good night's sleep while he's in your bed. I babysat for a woman who was always so tired and I felt so sorry for her. She kept telling me how Samantha was up 2 or 3 times a night at a year old. Then, one day she mentioned that Sam slept in the bed with them. I told her that Sam wasn't keeping her up, she was keeping Sam up. She finally bit the bullet and put her in her own room. It was really hard at first, both Sam and she cried themselves to sleep for a week. But finally Sam got used to being in her own room and the change in their lives was amazing.

I am not criticzing you, I'm really not. Sometimes it's hard to be objective when you are in the middle of a situation. I think your husband sounds very immature, but I can also see his problem. He is thinking acting like a baby will get your attention (he may not even realize he's thinking this) because it works for Micah. Stupid? Yup, but I'll bet that is a lot of what's going on with him.

I'd really encourage the two of you to get counseling. If you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for Micah because if you guys are happy, he will be too.

ok, enouch out of me! Sorry I'm on my soapbox.

I was just giving my younger sister similar advice on the same subject the other night, sounds as if you and your husband are just as stubborn as she and her fiance. She is very aggressive and in your face, to the point of being a nag and he runs away. But more importantly, they both HAVE to be right and point fingers in the other direction.

You all need to take a step back and own your roles in this war. Learn the delicate balance. Why would you want to live daily hurting the person you love most?

It's not worth it. Gotta pick your battles and learn to let some things slide.

I am sure he was always the same man from the day you fell in love with him, your annoyance with him is only emphasizing the less desirable traits. Knock it off lol You know who you married.

[HALEY]

Originally Posted by teri88

Sounds like he needs an intervention! It sucks to have "two children" I'm sure. Maybe you need to use some tough love. Leave his mess in the kitchen and let him clean it up when he gets home. Don't pick up after him. Let the garbage stay in the kitchen, just start a new bag. Maybe, just maybe he'll catch on. Sounds like he is looking at you as "mommy" and not just to Micah! I'm really sorry you are going through this. Some guys never do grow up unfortunately.

Terri i wish i could do that but Micah or the dogs would get into it, and he knows i'm a neat freak... He use to live like a pig when he was single, only cleaned when mommy dearest was coming over for a visit...

[Gina]

Haley you have been given excellent advice as usual. I will just add my two cents . Marriage goes in different cycles the longer you are married. Your mode right now is being a new parent plus you work. It does take a strain on a couple juggling both and the desire becomes less due to being tired. Like many of the women suggested you need a break from parenthood one night at least once a mt. Try to rekindle what brought you together. Go on a date, get your parents to babysit or hire a responsible teenager that you know..

I know that you have issues with your husband, and I am no marriage expert my marriage is not the greatest either we have other issues that I have not gotten into on here. I persevere for my kids yes they are at the age where they do understand but for not being selfish I stay for now. Like some suggested go try marriage counciling for the lack of sex is not your only problem as you stated in the past. Try to nip it in the bud while you can and are still young. Children do best when brought up in a happy enviroment and you need to establish that for Micah. You are a great and loving mother and he does take up most of your time. He is dependent on you for now, but trust me they get older and once they do its just you and your husband. They go on with their life regardless if your happy or not and rightfully so.

Sex is an important part of a marriage it does bring you closer, but to reliterate it goes through its spurts. What is important and what will keep a marriage together is love. Without that it will not survive...

So get out there and go on a date, try to rekindkle what you first saw in your husband. Make sometime for each other..

[teri88]

Originally Posted by HALEY

Terri i see what you are saying, but everynight i do put Micah in his own bed, sometimes he does wake up in the middle of the night, just like last night, the thunder spooked him so he was up at 2 am and i just let him sleep with me, 1/2 the time Mike sleeps on the couch or the chair in the livingroom anyways, so Micah is in no means a bother... i sleep alone anyways.
And lately i really do feel like his mother/maid instead of his wife...

oh, I misunderstood, sorry. I thought you meant that he was in your bed all of the time. The girl I babysat for had the baby in their bed every single night. She didn't even own a crib! ok, back to my previous suggestion: Kick him in the butt!

[HALEY]

Originally Posted by teri88

oh, I misunderstood, sorry. I thought you meant taht he was in your bed all of the time. The girl I babysat for had the baby in their bed every single night. She didn't even own a crib! ok, back to my previous suggestion: Kick him in the butt!

He has a crib and his own room right next to mine, oh but i do love to sleep with him, he can crash in my bed anytime, i use to sneak and get him when he was first born on Saturdays when Mike went to work and on the weekends for cat naps, or when he gets scared or not feeling good he's in bed with me, but everynight he goes to sleep in his bed, and sometimes he wakes up in my bed
But i don't mind, i only have one child and i'll miss these days one day!
Just like at night i can rock him for hours...

[HALEY]

Originally Posted by Gina

Haley you have been given excellent advice as usual. I will just add my two cents . Marriage goes in different cycles the longer you are married. Your mode right now is being a new parent plus you work. It does take a strain on a couple juggling both and the desire becomes less due to being tired. Like many of the women suggested you need a break from parenthood one night at least once a mt. Try to rekindle what brought you together. Go on a date, get your parents to babysit or hire a responsible teenager that you know..

I know that you have issues with your husband, and I am no marriage expert my marriage is not the greatest either we have other issues that I have not gotten into on here. I persevere for my kids yes they are at the age where they do understand but for not being selfish I stay for now. Like some suggested go try marriage counciling for the lack of sex is not your only problem as you stated in the past. Try to nip it in the bud while you can and are still young. Children do best when brought up in a happy enviroment and you need to establish that for Micah. You are a great and loving mother and he does take up most of your time. He is dependent on you for now, but trust me they get older and once they do its just you and your husband. They go on with their life regardless if your happy or not and rightfully so.

Sex is an important part of a marriage it does bring you closer, but to reliterate it goes through its spurts. What is important and what will keep a marriage together is love. Without that it will not survive...

So get out there and go on a date, try to rekindkle what you first saw in your husband. Make sometime for each other..

We'll the last time i got a babysitter for us to go out and have a good time together he invited his friends, so i don't bother anymore with that it was a waste of money! they even called us when were eatting dinner, so i sat and ate my dinner while he talked on the phone, very romantic hun !

[Tiramisu]

Haley, here are some things I'd say to you - if you were my daughter. Do your friends ever come around? Does any of Mike's friends have S.O.s? Girl, you need to jump right in the middle of his friends and family. Get over the hurt you've been through in the past and start living towards a future together or apart. You knew he had the debts, family, and friends when you dated and married him. Marriage is only 50/50 because it takes two. Some days you do 90% and some days you do 10% - that's life. Suck it up or spit it out!

PS: I have a daughter who seems to have a rotten marriage. Problem is: I see her doing as much or more to spoil the marriage as the hubby does. She nags at him for not making enough money, spending too much money, to find another job, to take the trash out, to help her with the kids, etc. She feels that caring for the kids (neither of which he wanted) is all she really has to do. When she nags, he takes off to go do what he wants to - party and play poker. She admits that she "thought she could change him". All this while she had to drive a Lexus SUV, can't shop at Wal-Mart, and lost $40K on the big house that they couldn't afford.

I'm not sure what my point is except that it sounds like Mike's the man you loved enough to marry. You need to decide what YOU can do to make your marriage work.

Hugs,

[donna1990]

Originally Posted by HALEY

we dated on and off for about 8 years, been married for 2 years, with a 1 year old son. Right now i really don't have the time nor do i want to go to counceling, he's just lazy that's most of our fights, he wants to come home from work grab a beer and sit in the garage all night, and i just get so sick of it. i work to! and have a house and kid to take care of, he is still saying he wants to move out when he gets his company truck, i can't wait, they now pushed it back to Aug. 8th, so well see. Had it with him and his family, maybe this is the best for now, sick of the yo-yo life style that i have...

Sounds as if he is depressed, drinking beer and in the garage alone.

[AngieDoogles]

Haley, I received an amazing letter from my Matron of Honor and her husband just before Brendon and I got married. There are so many wonderful pieces of advice...I'm just going to post the whole thing for you and you can take from it what you will. Keeping these things in mind has really helped our marriage grow and prosper. Of all the "wedding and marriage advice" I received, this is what I still hold close to my heart when I think of how I want my marriage to be.

Brendon and Angela,

We love you both and we pray that God will bless your marriage. We pray that you will both seek to better your relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. As you draw closer to the Lord, He draws you closer together. It is easy to get your focus on what you want but keep your eyes on Him.

We are very blessed to have such a wonderful marriage and we want you two to be as content and happy as we are. Here are some of our secrets.

As state above and most imporantly, keep your eyes on Christ.

Love is an action not a reflex. Remember to love one another.

Brendon, you are to love Angela "as Christ loved the church." Christ gave His life for the church. The husband's responsibility is to put his wife first and then his family. You hold the spiritual responsibility and growth in your hands as the head of the home. Make sure you are serving the Lord Jesus Christ and He will give you wisdom and strength to carry your family.

Angela, you are to respect and reverence your husband. As a woman, you can really diminish your husband's self-esteem if you are not very careful. Lift Brendon up and make sure he knows that you are resting in his arms as the head of your home even when he may make a decision that you may not agree with. Give him the opportunity to lead you as the spiritual head of the home.

You have heard the saying "Marriage is 50-50," marriage is 100-100. Don't base what you put in the marriage by what your partner is putting in. You just automatically give 100%.

We want you to have a perfect marriage. You may be thinking "No marriage is perfect" and you are right, but your marriage can be perfect for you. Our marriage is perfect for us. Seek God's wisdom and His wisdom is perfect so you cannot go wrong. Here is some scripture that might be helpful: 1 Cor. 7:2-4, 10-14; Eph. 5:22-28, 33; Titus 2; Matt. 19:5-6; 1 Cor. 13.

May God forever bless your lives and be the center of the same.
All our love and prayer are with you.

[Emmsmom]

I just have to say that I don't see anything wrong with letting Micah sleep in your bed. Emmie slept with us till she was 3. There are other ways of staying close to your husband. A bed is just a bed and you still have the whole house to play and spend some alone time together after he goes to sleep. We use to pile blankets up in the living room and sleep in there. Yeah we were kicked out of our own bed but so what. I thought it was fun. I truly miss those times.
We lost power the other night and piled blankets up in the livingroom. With Emmie at camp this week we enjoyed it and it brought back some fun memories.

They grown up so fast. I am younger than some here but I am still very much old fashioned except when it comes to this. I had my family tell me that we would ruin our marriage. Yet we are going on our 14th Anniv. I don't think that alone will ruin a relationship. There are many other factors to consider.

TO be honest if I were in Haley's shoes and Micah was my son I wouldn't be doing anything differently. They are only little once and like Haley I wanted to enjoy every minute of it. I think maybe letting Micah stay with grandma for the weekend would give you a good chance to sit and talk. That way there wouldn't be any distraction.

Sorry, It jsut hits a sore spot when some think that kids sharing a bed is wrong. I know many don't agree and thats ok. The world would be very boring if we all agreed. lol

Haley I hope you guys can work things out. ((HUGS))

[pope1982]

Originally Posted by Emmsmom

I just have to say that I don't see anything wrong with letting Micah sleep in your bed.
Sorry, It jsut hits a sore spot when some think that kids sharing a bed is wrong. I know many don't agree and thats ok. The world would be very boring if we all agreed. lol

Not attacking you, just sharing my side of the argument....


http://www.sidscenter.org/SafeSleep/...Clock.html#bed
Bed Sharing
The issue of sleeping with your baby is complicated. The evidence suggests that bed sharing with your baby can increase the risk of SIDS and suffocation. An alternative to bed sharing is to place the baby’s crib near your bed to allow for more convenient feeding and contact. Consider returning the baby to the crib after feeding.

IMPORTANT: If you have been drinking alcohol, or taking drugs/medicines that may make you sleepy, or are excessively tired, do not bring your baby into bed with you to sleep.

If you choose to share a bed with your baby, the following safety measures are recommended:

Protect your baby by using the back sleep position, avoiding soft surfaces or loose covers, and moving the bed or furniture away from the wall to prevent the baby from becoming trapped. Make sure your baby’s head remains uncovered during sleep.

Make sure the baby sleeps on a mattress that is firm. The baby’s face can get stuck in soft bedding and she might not be able to breathe.

If you choose to bed-share routinely you should consider removing the mattress and placing it on the floor in the middle of the room, thereby helping to prevent the baby from falling or becoming trapped.


It also gives me the willies to think of a child sharing our marital bed. Who knows what kind of yuck is around there... I certainly don't change my sheets every single day. Not to mention, I wouldn't be able to leave my child unattended in that wide open space and enjoy myself on the floor in the other room.

Not unless there were protective rails, and the bed was pretty much stripped...
I watched an episode of HBOs Autopsy- Ask Dr. Baden where it was determined after going over all the evidence a woman was responsible for 3 of her infants accidental deaths without even being aware when it was happening.
She was such a heavy sleeper, she had either rolled, or hadn't heard the babies smothering in the blankets. She was devastated and he explained to her, it is one of the most common factors in infant death.

Even more so years ago, before the crib was invented.

[Emmsmom]

Well I won't argue with you on this point. Not sure if you have children but before I had a baby I thought the very same thing as far as the dangers. As far as the "Yuck" in the bed. Well to be honest that is just plain nasty and I can assure you that "Yuck" was never in my bed. When you have a baby you ahve to make sure everything in the house is clean. I only posted to let Haley know from one Mom to another that she was not alone in her beliefs. As far as enjoying myself on the floor and leaving her unattended.... Not sure what you are trying to imply and I really don't care. My child grew up very healthy and very independent. If I could go back in time I wouldn't have changed a thing.

If you look at this link you will see that many other doctors will disagree with you.

http://www.breastfeeding.com/reading..._slepping.html

In his book on Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, pediatrician William Sears cites co-sleeping as a proactive measure parents can take to reduce the risk of this tragedy. McKenna's research shows that babies who sleep with parents spend less time in Level III sleep, a state of deep sleep when the risk of apneas are increased. Further, co-sleeping babies learn to imitate healthy breathing patterns from their bunkmates

[pope1982]

I wasn't trying to offend you, though it looks as though it's a little too late.
I am sorry if I chose the wrong wording. I wasn't implying anything, other than I am a worrier and I would have a hard time relaxing a room or two away knowing the drop from the bed to the floor. Just my take on parenting is all.

Doctors have been known to give bad advice. I have heard it is good for bonding, heart beats etc...There is a time for bonding, but what the hell bonding are you doing in your sleep? I would rather wrap my arms around the man I love with our baby bed side than be up all night worrying if the baby is alright, where is the baby, don't wake the baby etc. Plus I wouldn't want to develop any habits. I have seen enough of my siblings mistakes in parenting through observing to know that the parents create some of the problems for the kids because they have problems letting go and assuming the role of disciplinarian rather than friend.
And your relationship with your husband is supposed to be kept healthy as an example to your children. Boundaries need to be set.

And as far as yuck in the bed being nasty, that "yuck" is what made your child.
I just don't want to chance my kid, or anyone else climbing in our bed. And have you ever seen them use black lights in motel rooms? Human waste is EVERYWHERE.

I appreciate the lesson on parenting, and no I don't have my own kids as of today, but I am also not clueless as to how cleanly the house needs to be. I have 7 nieces and nephews in my care since I was about 13 years old.

Sorry, I still don't think the marital bed is any place for a child.
Like you said, we can't all agree but thanks for the condescending tone though it didn't sway my opinion in the least... I was starting to forget what it felt like to be unwelcome here because of voicing an opinion same as everyone else is allowed to do.

Cripe.

[jrsygal37]

Haley. From your posts and from personal experience it really seems like your husband wants out of the marriage. When a woman or man leaves the bed and starts sleeping on the couch or in a chair that is a very very bad sign. I can almost guarantee that it has something to do with someone else being in the picture. That is from my own personal experience. Also, the fact that he is trying to avoid you by drinking and staying away in a different part of the house. My first bit of advice to you is to not lower yourself looking to have sex with him. My second bit of advice is to figure out if he's worth the effort and if he is then you really need to sit with him, tell him you love him and ask if he wants to try and work things out. If he's not worth the effort then I'd start living my own life. Build your own happiness with your son and cut him loose. Elaine