abusive relationship help

[Ponyup]

Does he really want help? If he honestly wants help, then the 2 of you could maybe try therapy. But in my honest opinion from what you've said I'm not sure your relationship is worth it. You need to decide what you want to be surrounded by for the rest of your life. My husband & I enjoy each other, we are best friends & hardly ever fight. This is what I want. My brother & his wife bicker & fight constantly (no physical violence though) they seem to thrive off it, they like it. I would be miserable in a relationship like that, but it works for them. I think anger management or therapy might help, but I think you both need to go. And you need to examine if you really love him & if he really loves you. Maybe deep down you like the drama or you're afraid of being alone. In my HONEST opinion if you love someone no matter what they do you would never physically harm them. I would never ever hurt my husband in anger & he would never ever hurt me. If you love someone you do not what to cause them pain or harm, in my opinion.

[DianaB]

You've admitted that you and this guy have had problems from the very beginning. I think that it's time to move on. You deserve someone who treasures you and treats you like you deserve to be treated.

You mentioned that you come from a "broken family" and I'm sure you don't want to repeat this in your own life and relationships. You need to start making GOOD choices NOW. I can tell you what I think you should do but ultimately you have to make the choices. And like I said GOOD CHOICES. Choices that you make with your head.....not your heart. These are decisions that will affect you for the rest of your life and you need to choose carefully. Don't worry about hurting his feelings, only consider what is right for you.

Originally Posted by DianaB

You've admitted that you and this guy have had problems from the very beginning. I think that it's time to move on. You deserve someone who treasures you and treats you like you deserve to be treated.

You mentioned that you come from a "broken family" and I'm sure you don't want to repeat this in your own life and relationships. You need to start making GOOD choices NOW. I can tell you what I think you should do but ultimately you have to make the choices. And like I said GOOD CHOICES. Choices that you make with your head.....not your heart. These are decisions that will affect you for the rest of your life and you need to choose carefully. Don't worry about hurting his feelings, only consider what is right for you.

thank you diana.. i will keep this in mind !

[HALEY]

Take Gina's advice please, run like hell, it only gets worse when you get married.. trust me on this issue... they only change for awhile to suit your wants and there right back to where they started from in the beginning!!!
Your single with no kids!!! Walk away, there are so many nice single men out there you will find another one to take his place.
there is my 2 cents and i'm getting off this thread....

My opinion is that, no matter what anyone tells you or shares with you here, you are going to make excuses for him and yourself. I think you both need counseling..PRONTO!

You sound very immature, so as another poster advised, do not bring babies into your life until you've grown up and figured out that it's not OK to hit anyone ever for any reason (unless of course you are defending yourself against a physical attack) No excuses. I don't see how you can't understand that. Until you do, you don't need to be in any relationship.

He sounds like a ticking time bomb and the next time it might be worse! As long as you keep making excuses and don't do anything to change the situation, nothing will change. You're in for a lot of grief.

[Janet]

Originally Posted by JingleT

My opinion is that, no matter what anyone tells you or shares with you here, you are going to make excuses for him and yourself. I think you both need counseling..PRONTO!

You sound very immature, so as another poster advised, do not bring babies into your life until you've grown up and figured out that it's not OK to hit anyone ever for any reason (unless of course you are defending yourself against a physical attack) No excuses. I don't see how you can't understand that. Until you do, you don't need to be in any relationship.

He sounds like a ticking time bomb and the next time it might be worse! As long as you keep making excuses and don't do anything to change the situation, nothing will change. You're in for a lot of grief.

I'm sorry JingleT, but we just don't accept attacks here. She was asking for advice, all of us gave her the advice we thought best. Yes most were different in some ways, but none made such a harsh statement.

I want to welcome you to 4WT, but hope you will post with a kinder heart.

[Gina]

I agree with Janet , Jingles you did come off so hard on the poor girl.. The way you post sounds like you know her and know that she will not listen.. So what !she asked we all gave our opinions who are we to tell her to heed to us. You were out of line.. We are not professionals..

Anyway welcome to 4wt!

Originally Posted by JingleT

My opinion is that, no matter what anyone tells you or shares with you here, you are going to make excuses for him and yourself. I think you both need counseling..PRONTO!

You sound very immature, so as another poster advised, do not bring babies into your life until you've grown up and figured out that it's not OK to hit anyone ever for any reason (unless of course you are defending yourself against a physical attack) No excuses. I don't see how you can't understand that. Until you do, you don't need to be in any relationship.

He sounds like a ticking time bomb and the next time it might be worse! As long as you keep making excuses and don't do anything to change the situation, nothing will change. You're in for a lot of grief.

i am immature? how? and when did i ever say i am going to have a child? i am 23 and i said he is or was my bf.. and i didnt make excuses.. depression and family issues are a huge huge thing right now for me and i was saying in my post (if you even read that far) that he was the only one there for me so its not easy for me to just let him go.

as far as the hitting thing.. ive already gave my opinion on that as you did too.. take it or leave it.

thank you janet, gina and everyone else who gave their opinions.. im taking it all into consideration.

[Janet]

We know our advice may not be what you want to hear...it's that way with me too. I usually know the right thing to do, but actually doing it can be a real struggle with the heart.

I think I was the one who brought up the 'child' thing in the first place. My advice was not to start a family or have a baby with this man before you get everything straightened out. That was all.

I do wish you the best in whatever you decide to do. We're here if you need us and please don't shy away from asking for more advice. There will be a lot of different opinions and you just need to take a little from all that will work for you.

[HALEY]

i know i was going to stay out of this thread but i can't , Janet i also brought up the "child thing", if you are 23 years old, you are likely having sex with this man, and there is always a chance of getting pregnant if you are having sex.. If any man hits you once out of anger, whatever the excuse is, he will hit you again.
I think you two really need to sit down and talk about your relationship, maybe take some time apart.. Date other people.. Just do whats best for yourself!.. Talk to God about it.. That's what i do when i'm down...
I just don't want you to go thru what i went thru, i would just walk away for now..
But it's your dissussion. if you think you can work it out, it's going to take alot, alot, alot of hard work for both of you!

[celstu1]

Originally Posted by bettyboop

thank you tink.. i know you werent attacking me but thank you for sharing your story i bet that was hard.. im so glad you found someone better..

the thing is i know we both love each other.. i dont think i can move on.. ive tried.. and okay i wouldnt mind going to anger management with him but is it worth it do you think? can someone really be "changed" with those courses?

You say you are not 'that girl' with no friends, no life, etc... but you are not thinking rationally, you are thinking with the mentalility of someone young, and also like someone who is abused. You may not like to hear that, but its the truth. You are 23, you went 5 - 6 months without him in almost 5 years. You have NO idea what a YEAR away from him would feel like, or two. You have NO idea how good a relationship CAN be, you didn't even let yourself get over him before you got back together with him. You THINK you can't live without him but you never tried. 5 - 6 months is not trying, its surviving the pain, not getting over it yet.

When I was 19 I met a boy and dated him for almost 10 years. He helped me through some of the worst times of my life. My family is broken also in the worst ways, I was soo young and sooo vulnerable and niave, I fell sooooo hard for him. For almost 10 years he was verbally abusive. He called me names all the time, he would threaten to leave me all the time, he broke up with me 3x for 9 months each time. Still I was ready to take him back EVERY SINGLE TIME ... because I LOVED HIM?!?!?!

When he broke up with me for the last time, we were engaged, owned a home and were planning the wedding. It took me 10 years to realize that a) he never truely loved me, not if he could hurt me as bad as he did over the years and b) I never really truely loved him, I was obsessed with him, indebted to him, for keeping me around when I was a failure from a broken home and messed up in the head (was my thoughts at the time) and obsessed because he helped me be less niave. He helped me get the 'jokes' and the 'slang' other people used, he taught me about politics, sports, etc... how to carry a conversation with adults, he held me when I cried so hard from what my life was becoming, how scared I was. He was my world. I was obsessed.... but not in love. I was insecure.

He NEVER, NOT ONE TIME, raised a hand to me. I could see him get sooo angry sometimes he would walk away, but never ever hit me, push me, nothing. I never raised a hand to him either. No matter what, we, people, NEVER have the right, no matter what happened, no matter how angry we are, to TOUCH another person in a harmful way. Even if your fists can't hurt him bc you think you are not strong enough or not big enough it does not matter.

NO doubt about it, breaking up for good WILL HURT. No way around that. Something you gotta face, do and deal with. But once you are over it, him, you will be soooooo much happier. Im sure your friends would be more than willing to talk with you about your family issues, maybe they dont want to do it everyday all day for years but if you need to talk, if they are any kind of friend, they will listen. I also HIGHLY suggest you go to therapy. Don't feel ashamed! Many many MANY women go to therapy to help them come to terms with what they know they NEED to do and how hard it will be. A therapist will help give you a game plan on how to deal with this breakup and your other family issues, will also justify your feelings and help you see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Good Luck to you if you stay with this boy, its going to be a LONG hard life for you, he needs help and you both are destructive to each other and yourselves.

I did not mean to sound harsh, but its a lot easier hearing blunt truth than taking a fist to the face or a kick to the back again. And it will happen again.

(((HUGS))) to you.

[pope1982]

I was going to say Jingle came across as a bit psycho in her response to Betty.

I was also going to bring up the fact that she never said anything about having children with him. Come on now, just because she is 23, does not mean she is not educated on how to use protection. She opened this thread up for opinions, it's not a free for all on her life and however she is choosing or not choosing to live it.

This thread is getting out about as out of control as I had anticipated it would!
None of us are perfect, and since when are any of our relationships?
All we know about the woman, is what her fingers have typed since she's joined and so far I see her having to defend herself every post when all she wanted was some sort of support system in a moment when she felt scared and alone.
I know I certainly felt that way more than a few times in the first few years we started out. And as I said, I am woman enough to admit and face dead on that I have been down some very rough bumpy paths years ago, so I speak from experience.

It is possible he struck her out of fear after he felt attacked. It doesn't make him horrible in my books, just a regular, insensitive (at times) man who reacted and deserves a chance to prove himself to her. If she puts her foot down, and tells him "look that got out of control, I don't want to live that way let's start fresh"... do you think he'd not agree? I'm sure he'd rather put it behind him as well.
And how is this for mind blowing, I don't even think they need anger management. I think they need better communication and to support one another through those rough emotional patches.

I made it a point whenever we had our arguments, to talk to him afterwards and tell him exactly how he made me feel taking things out on me, rather than talking to me. When you help someone to see their behavior through someone else's eyes, that is a tremendous experience and I have been told more than once "thank you" when someone I love asks me for an honest answer regarding their behavior, because they had never known that was how they handled something until it was pointed out to them.

Is there any hope left for this thread, or have we nothing better to do than instruct her to simply give up? Sure there are "plenty of fish in the sea", but can (most of) you imagine your lives without your husbands? Or how would you have felt trying to figure out the complexity of navigating an adult relationship in the beginning if that were all that was being told to you. To give up on the man you love because he didn't fit what other people thought was proper of him.

Betty, I never said thank you for sharing your story with us.

[pope1982]

Sorry Haley, I took this from your thread lol

Dear GOD,

The Lady reading this is Beautiful, Classy and Strong. Help her live her life to the Fullest. Please Promote her and cause her to Excel above expectations. Help her to Shine in darkest places and Love where it is impossible to LOVE.
Amen

[HALEY]

no problem Pope, i think bettyboop needs it right now .. maybe it will put her in a good mood today...

Originally Posted by pope1982

I was going to say Jingle came across as a bit psycho in her response to Betty.

I was also going to bring up the fact that she never said anything about having children with him. Come on now, just because she is 23, does not mean she is not educated on how to use protection. She opened this thread up for opinions, it's not a free for all on her life and however she is choosing or not choosing to live it.

This thread is getting out about as out of control as I had anticipated it would!
None of us are perfect, and since when are any of our relationships?
All we know about the woman, is what her fingers have typed since she's joined and so far I see her having to defend herself every post when all she wanted was some sort of support system in a moment when she felt scared and alone.
I know I certainly felt that way more than a few times in the first few years we started out. And as I said, I am woman enough to admit and face dead on that I have been down some very rough bumpy paths years ago, so I speak from experience.

It is possible he struck her out of fear after he felt attacked. It doesn't make him horrible in my books, just a regular, insensitive (at times) man who reacted and deserves a chance to prove himself to her. If she puts her foot down, and tells him "look that got out of control, I don't want to live that way let's start fresh"... do you think he'd not agree? I'm sure he'd rather put it behind him as well.
And how is this for mind blowing, I don't even think they need anger management. I think they need better communication and to support one another through those rough emotional patches.

I made it a point whenever we had our arguments, to talk to him afterwards and tell him exactly how he made me feel taking things out on me, rather than talking to me. When you help someone to see their behavior through someone else's eyes, that is a tremendous experience and I have been told more than once "thank you" when someone I love asks me for an honest answer regarding their behavior, because they had never known that was how they handled something until it was pointed out to them.

Is there any hope left for this thread, or have we nothing better to do than instruct her to simply give up? Sure there are "plenty of fish in the sea", but can (most of) you imagine your lives without your husbands? Or how would you have felt trying to figure out the complexity of navigating an adult relationship in the beginning if that were all that was being told to you. To give up on the man you love because he didn't fit what other people thought was proper of him.

Betty, I never said thank you for sharing your story with us.

Ah thank you so much Pope!! your entry made me tear up a little bit, I really needed to hear this and glad at least a couple of people on here understand where I'm coming from! you'd said everything I was going to say so thank you.. right now im really taking all of your opinions into consideration.. i really am.. none of my friends know about this.. the 2 that i was talking about that knew, only know things like this happened in the past but not recently so you guys are the only one that know.

also thank you haley and janet- your recent comments were helpful too