Hard to write about

[DianaB]

Judy, I'm so sorry about all of this. I know that it must hurt you very much. Your daughter is certainly the one missing out on having her mother near her especially when she needs you so much now. Here's a big hug from me.......

[judy]

Thanks Tink, and everyone else,

I'm still in shock that she would do such a thing. She could have dropped a postcard in the mail without him ever knowing. She could have said not to contact her.

But, she didn't, and that's the reality I have to face. It sucks, but now I do know that it was never my fault! I always had the normal "mother guilt," thinking that maybe I did do terrible things that I just didn't see.

The truth is I just didn't, so it is her. Like my cousin told me yesterday - I'm beginning to feel closure by accepting that it isn't my fault. I hope she's right.
Closure is important.

I've been taking all of your advice - getting off my butt and out the door. It really helps, so thanks.

I just wish she didn't have MS. That's a whole separate issue - she started treating me badly before she got sick. I do think the husband has a great deal to to do with it. But, MS is a terrible disease to live with. I could be helping her and the children.

Ohhh (sigh)

Love you all,

[Mandy]

Judy, it is very important to feel closure, so you can move on. I am glad to hear that you are passed the stage of guilt, and realizing that you are guilty of nothing. It might be, that her husband, and hes family have made her depandent on them/him, who knows what all they said to her. At times, when we "let it go" it all falls into place.

Hugs to you girl, we love you!

[AngieDoogles]

Judy, I'm so glad you're getting some closure in this situation. I still hope and pray that your daughter comes around eventually. She NEEDS to get out of that relationship and she'll need your help if she ever makes that decision.

It's good that you're getting out and doing things. One of my favorite quotes from Harry Potter is "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live" (Dumbledore). I think it's fitting. You can't sit around and wait for her to realize her mistakes. You have your own life to live. You have the right to be happy. I'm glad you are making that happen! You are really a huge inspiration to me...

[judy]

Thanks y'all! I decided that the best way to move on is to forgive her and love her
no matter what.

This is no easy task....but I have about 30 years at least to get to that point.

Thanks for your prayers that we do reconcile. Then I wouldn't have to all this closure, forgiveness, etc. stuff. Seriously, that is really what I want. I do love her and I love my grandchildren, plus she's got a serious illness and I want to help her.

Sometimes I wonder why God decided that I have to be so strong. I wish he would have asked me first! I would have said "oh, no, no. no....thanks anyway."

[katepoet]

Hi Judy
Just some thoughts about MS. Did you know that NIH is doing a huge study on whether it is really late stage Lyme disease? Do you know that Lyme triggers over 300 immune system disorders and can make people grumpy and uncommunicative? Three people I know had MS go into remission with treatment for Lyme. Lyme is contagious - no tick bite required. (My son got it in-utero from me.)

Maybe your daughter's illness is causing her inability to communicate and her view of the world. If you think of it as part of her illness, maybe it is less personal.

Kate

[judy]

Hi Kate,

Welcome to 4WT. It's good to have you here.

I did not know that MS is possibly late stage Lyme Disease. Thank you for your compassionate perspective. I do hold the fact that she is ill and frightened, and tired, and more than likely overwhelmed, in my heart.

In fact, from, what I hear she is doing quite well lately and I am really proud of her
for overcomimg all of these obstacles.

I have to be honest though and say that she still has broken my heart - what can I tell you - I'm human.

Life is a very interesting process!

Judy

[katepoet]

More on Lyme, it can be the cause behind almost every diagnosis in the PDM - the Psychiatric Diagnostic Manual. It can trigger phobias, bi-polar, ADHD, ADD, autism... the list goes on.

When I have a problem with someone's attitude, I try to think "She or he has a undiagnosed or untreated illness." It still hurts with the ones I love when they reject me but it helps me keep things in perspective.

[rivermom]

I think i held my breath as I read the entire thread from Judy. I think possibly it seems our daughters forget that we are not just Mother's but a person. Their expectations at times are too high for anyone to meet, I just don't know and wish I had all the answers.

Judy - I can relate to you in so many ways reading your thread.....My heart goes out to you in more ways then one!!

[judy]

Dear Sheryl,

Thank you - that is so sweet and so sincere. I appreciate your compassion a lot.

Judy

[rivermom]

Originally Posted by judy

Dear Sheryl,

Thank you - that is so sweet and so sincere. I appreciate your compassion a lot.

Judy

Judy - In a sense I thank you. I thank you for being brave and opening up about what has truly broken your heart. I also am in a very similar situation with my daughter. I have gone through many emotions that you do. I find in a sense comfort realizing that I am not the only Mother wishing for a loving relationship with their daughter.

It is very healthy that you are coming to a place in your heart and mind where you find some peace with the situation. Situations like these in my belief are not something that can ever be closed but placed where it is healthier to deal/live with. I am glad you have found that placement within you.

Our unconditional love for our child(ren) is such an amazing gift. We can only hope that they accept it.

[judy]

Dear Sheryl,

I'll keep your pain in my heart and you do the same for me. That's how you know that, no matter what, life is really good.

Love,

Judy

[Marilyn]

Sorry I haven't been around much lately and just finished reading this entire thread. Judy, I cannot imagine what you are and have been going through. And you are there in that huge city.

The ladies here have been so supportive of you and given you such good advice, all I can do is agree with them. I'll pray for you and your daughter and that you find someone who will understand and appreciate you who will share your amazing life with you.

I know people who have used some of the online services to find their special someone and have been very happy with the results. At least it's a step in the right direction.

I'm not far behind you in age, and actually 30 years is a long time. Lots of time to do some quality living!!!

[judy]

Thank you Marilyn! I just got a message from a man on one of those on-line services. He's 48 (12 years younger, but maybe that's okay), kind of cute in the way I like, intelligent, sense of humor....

But then I read on

5'7" (I like a bit taller) - certainly it's something I could live with though.

Earns 75 - 100K/year - OKAY!

No kids, divorced - Not terrible, but I love kids, and would love a family. However, maybe I could live with that.

Lives with roommates - ????? Aren't grown-ups supposed to have their own homes, apartments, etc. In my world, they are.

Lives on a budget - on 75 - 100K/year, living with roommates? No, no. no.

He got deleted.

I thank you for your prayers Marilyn. I keep telling God I want her back in my life.
I know he hears me. He must have a really good reason for this, but extra prayers can't hurt!

[katepoet]

Maybe living with roommates is because he didn't have kids and misses having family. Friends are a way of being connected.

I expect one day to live with women again, sort of like college but perhaps more of we each have our own apartment in a communal structure with communal gardens, etc. (If I outlast my husband, that is.)