The second meeting

[pope1982]

Sadly, our situation has never improved. The way we handle it has
I'm never one to sugar coat, it is is a lot of work. Definitely high maintenance and a huge sacrifice but when you truly love someone, sacrifice is easy.
My new MIL didn't even attend our wedding. When I hand delivered her the invitation on Thanksgiving, I was told to stick it up my ass because she couldn't get her way with OUR wedding
It was embarassing, degrading and the last shot I am giving a relationship with her because every time I try, I get kicked harder when she snaps out of the front she is putting up because she is using me to get info about her son and our life together (he's a smart man, keeps his distance. I am the dummy that kept falling for her guilt trips and wanting the relationship to work so badly I put myself in the line of fire)

Oh well, it was the best night of our lives to spite her.

Well, I guess I shouldn't say it hasn't improved, because in a way it has. She used to call 3 times a day to ask him what he had eaten, what he was doing... etc.
Now it is quiet and peaceful, until the holidays roll around *sigh*

Our children will not know this dysfunction, I told my husband long ago I will not subject them to the brain washing and the mental torture. He agrees it is our choice and we have to do what is best for our family. It is not the ideal family life I'd always envisioned, but like Judy said, you are building your own family.
Besides, life is 10% how you make it and 90% how you take it.

[pope1982]

Here are a few adrenaline pumping, inspirational tunes

You Tube

You Tube

[Lindsey]

Thanks pope! I love that quote, "life is 10% how you make it and 90% how you take it."
He just called his mom to talk about her resentment towards me. I'm getting the info on the conversation right now... in Scott's words:

"my mom said she is sorry ... she didn't mean to make you feel that way. and both of them liked you ... polite, you played cards .. and you even offered to help ..
but as my parents have always told me ... when i bring friends over... if they don't talk and tease... they don't like ya..
my mom thought you were great and she liked that you were tall..."

Okay but it wasn't just teasing, it was insulting! My dad teased Scott about practicing playing some pool before he comes back, and that's normal teasing. Telling someone that things they own are ugly, the way they have raised their dog is disgusting, they are uneducated because they went to a small town school, that's not just teasing.
Now he said that she told him that nothing she said was meant to hurt me, but next time she will be more careful about what she says, and that she hopes there is a next time.
I don't know what to think now. Is she really serious or just trying to make Scott not be mad at her anymore?

[Blueyes]

She's trying to make it look like it's YOUR fault because of the way you took her teasing! She'll never take responsibility for how she treats you, sweety. It sounds like she treats you just like one of her own kids..AWFUL!!

[Lindsey]

She said something else to him about an hour later on msn and he copied and pasted it to me. She just went online and said "Okay now I feel really bad" and then on and on about how she didn't mean to be hurtful to me and from now on she will watch what she says. I'm not sure if she's saying these things to make Scott stop being mad at her, or if she really means it.
I feel like already his sisters think I'm a big baby for complaining about it all. His one sister said "And about the dog... it IS gross that it pees inside but that's her choice i guess"
I will give it another shot. I like Scott too much to give up on it right now. And there's something else to look forward to that I will post in another thread...

[DianaB]

Originally Posted by Blueyes

She's trying to make it look like it's YOUR fault because of the way you took her teasing! She'll never take responsibility for how she treats you, sweety......

I agree. I think that she's being manipulative!!!

[judy]

Originally Posted by Lindsey

She said something else to him about an hour later on msn and he copied and pasted it to me. She just went online and said "Okay now I feel really bad" and then on and on about how she didn't mean to be hurtful to me and from now on she will watch what she says. I'm not sure if she's saying these things to make Scott stop being mad at her, or if she really means it.
I feel like already his sisters think I'm a big baby for complaining about it all. His one sister said "And about the dog... it IS gross that it pees inside but that's her choice i guess"
I will give it another shot. I like Scott too much to give up on it right now. And there's something else to look forward to that I will post in another thread...

A woman who actually punishes her son for having anything to do with girls, to the point that he is still impacted by it, is not "alright." The fact that her daughters are like her does not mean that you are a baby, or wrong in your assessment of the situation. They were raised by her after all. That's who they take after, or maybe her craziness is inherited.

I really feel there is something very "off" with this woman, and that even if she tries, she is not going to change.

So - here's my thought. What does she have to do with you and Scott? Other than your expectation that his family will be nice, and your children will have them in their lives, they are just not that important in the end. If Scott can deal with seeing them very rarely, and you can deal with all of that, then that's all that matters.

I would not give her any more chances. What is she getting a chance to do? She showed herself to you already, like you said.

I also banned my second MIL from calling my house, and I stopped having anything to do with her a couple of years before Joel and I separated. Actually, she was a sweet, loving woman. She and Joel had a totally co-dependent relationship, and I felt like a third party. After she was out of the picture, I had the space to know him without her interference. Obviously, I did not want to be with him, etc., etc.

Getting her out of my life and my marriage was not a big deal though. I am much older than you, and I just do not have anything to do with toxic people.

[Lindsey]

Thank you Judy. Scott is way too dependent on his mom. He has never even had his hair cut by anyone other than his mom. I keep pushing him to pay $10 and go to a hairdresser instead of going home every month for his mom to cut his hair Heck, I can even cut his hair. I cut my brother's hair and charge him $20 for it! Clippers are not that hard to use!
He also still has all of his mail going to his mom's house and she sorts it for him and files all of his bills and everything. He says it's because he doesn't have a permanent place to change his address to yet. Well I changed my address when I moved out of my parents' house right after high school, and I've changed it every time I moved since then. But anytime he gets mail, he has to go home.
Last night when we talked I told him I only go home maybe 3 or 4 times a year. I usually go home for Christmas, and at least once in the summer to go fishing at the lake and enjoy the cabin. Then if my best friend goes home to visit her mom I usually try to go back to visit her too, because we never see each other. My parents and I have a great relationship now. We talk on the phone maybe a couple of times a week, and we visit whenever they can get to the city. But I don't feel at all that I NEED my parents to do ANYTHING for me. I am independent and they are there to support me in whatever I choose to do with my life. It's just what I'm used to so I feel that it's how it should be.
Anyways, he said he understands that and he might have to cut back a little. He was going to bring his extra set of tires back with us after last weekend so he could change them here (he has winter tires on now that need to come off). It's very easy to change and he had the room to just throw the extra tires in his trunk. His mom said no, he might as well just go back home for a few weeks to do it there and she took out the calendar to tell him which weekend to come home again (April 24th) and he just said "okay"

[Lindsey]

Oh and one other thing... lol I can't believe I'm saying this here... but he told me that he can't even stand up to pee because his mom has always taught him to sit down!!!! I may be naive but I've never known a guy to sit down to pee every time. I always thought girls sit down, boys stand up! Lol did I really just tell you guys that?

[judy]

Originally Posted by Lindsey

Oh and one other thing... lol I can't believe I'm saying this here... but he told me that he can't even stand up to pee because his mom has always taught him to sit down!!!! I may be naive but I've never known a guy to sit down to pee every time. I always thought girls sit down, boys stand up! Lol did I really just tell you guys that?

I had a mentor in grad school who sat down to pee! He used to tell us - he realized when he was raising his daughters that that's a good chance to take a rest. You know - why stand when you can sit?

Poor Scott. Mommy Dearest is getting worser and worser.

Do you love him? Does he love you? Are you willing to stay with him if nothing changes in him? You don't ever have to see the wicked witch, but he may have to. If all that is okay with you, and you both love each other, give it your best. Love is not always fun, but it is what makes the world go round.

[Lindsey]

I do love him. And I'm sure he loves me. We haven't said the words yet but the feeling is there. I want to be with him more than anything. I've never seen my future with someone like I see it with him.

[gja1000]

Well then, you are just going to have to figure out how to make it work. I don't envy you, but as lots of others have said, it can be done. Hey, maybe you'll come to the States, and decide to stay here - THAT would put a lot of distance between you two!

[Mandy]

Hmm... i dont envy you, i personally would not be able to stay polite to her!
There is a huge difference between teasing a person, and being plain insulting, it's pathetic on her part for insulting her own son's GF ~ it says everything and lack of personality, in a way i feel bad for her, poor thing doesnt know any better obviously.
Follow your heart Lindsey, i am sure he really loves you, and who knows what he has had to put up with in the past.
It's not natural for him to feel that "it's wrong" to have a GF, how did mommy dearest meet daddy? I am sure they must have been in love at some point, or else Scott and hes sisters wouldnt be around, or did she find them on her doorstep?

[Lindsey]

I talked to my parents again about this last night and told them how his mom was apologizing like crazy and neither of my parents believed it was genuine. They both pointed out that she wouldn't have acted like that in the first place if it wasn't her true personality. There is no excuse for being that insulting to a person. She is far from perfect, and for being such a religious and church-going person you'd think she would realize it is not her place to judge anyone.
Oh well, I want to be with him and he wants to be with me and I am not letting his mom get in the way of us. Like so many people have said, we need to make a life for ourselves, not just to make our parents happy. And I think I've gotten to the point where I don't care anymore if she likes me or hates me. As long as she can hold back her insults, I'm just going to keep living my life (hopefully with her son!)

[Blueyes]

Lindsey..there is a world of difference between a religious/church going person, and a spiritual person. It's so disturbing to me when a person makes such an issue out of being "religious", but doesn't have the first clue how to treat people the way Jesus taught.