Mother-Daughter relationships

[khardy57]

Originally Posted by Janet

I would love to have a relationship like that with my mother. It's just not going to happen. I do love her, but it's just too hard. You can only be criticized and told you're wrong so many times before you start backing away. That's what I've done.

I hate that for you Janet. As a teenager, I had my trials and tribulations with my mother, but I've always known that when I had nobody else, I had my Mama and Daddy. They've always been there for me and I don't know what I'd do without them.

[Lindsey]

Originally Posted by Izzy'smom

Sometimes you have to look at what they were raised like.

My mom had 9 brothers and sisters. For that reason I'm not sure how close she was to her mom, although they seem to get along now. Maybe the closeness she never had in her family is preventing her from getting close to her own family.

Janet - I feel the same as you do. I've tried my hardest to make my mom LIKE me but after being criticized for everything, I don't even want to try anymore. I just want to live my own life, and I've pulled away a lot. I moved 4.5 hours away from home and I only see her 2 or 3 times a year.

[Tink]

My Mom and oldest daughter came today and took me out to lunch for my birthday. After, Mom and I went Christmas shopping together. She had been all depressed thinking she wasn't going to be able to buy gifts for anyone this year, so I handed her some cash and said "lets go!" We both had a nice time, and she was delighted to be able to get a good start on her gift shopping. She's a very giving person, so being able to do this means a lot to her. When she tries to object about taking money from me, I simply tell her it's payback for all the help and babysitting she's done for my kids over the years, etc. She accepts that and says the help means more than she can express.

I enjoy being able to help her out now, and was glad to spend time with her today. Because I have a friend who manages a Dollar General store, I keep updated on when there are the best buys and was able to help her get some real steals today. This kind of day makes her and I both feel good.

[Marilyn]

Isn't motherhood tough. It's hard to know when you're doing too little or too much. Sometimes I try so hard to do something nice for my daughters, then I see a blog I'm not supposed to be able to see or hear one of them say something that they did not intend for me to hear, and I realize that what I did was not received in the spirit that I meant it. They think I'm overreacting sometimes with I'm showing sincere concern. If I did not react as I did, they would probably think that I didn't care. It's just very hard. I know they appreciate me and know they are loved. They each like to hang out with me at times, so hopefully I'm doing a good enough job that they won't be on here in a few years complaining about what a mess I was. They tell me I'm a great mom, but then would they tell me to my face if they didn't think so? I just hope I'm doing better than my mother did. I think I'm doing way better, but only time will tell. (Sorry my posts are so long. It just takes a lot of words sometime, and I'm a very fast typer.)

[Janet]

Don't get me wrong ladies....I know my Mom loves me, I have no doubt!! AND I do love her. It's just our personalities I guess. I'm more worried and concerned for other people and it's the opposite with my mom. She comes first then everyone else.

She has 6 grandkids. Only bought them something at Christmas. Never invited them to spend the day/night with her. It's always what someone can do for her, especially if it cost money. She has enough to not have to worry, but it's for her. She said that "they have parents to buy for them." We just don't see things, life the same way.

IF I ever need her...she's always right there. BUT she never lets you forget it either.

It's not like this is something new....she has always been this way..more so after my father passed in '73.

Myself....I don't want to have any regrets, although I'm sure I'll have some. If I lived my life like my mother...I would have so many regrets.

[Carolyn]

My mother is my best friend. She has always been there for me and I know I put her through hell in my teens. But now we're so close. We see each other all the time since she moved near me.

[Kimberley]

Originally Posted by Janet

I envy those that have great relationships with their mothers. I never did and probably won't.

I've written before that I do love my mom and sometimes we get a long good and she can be so funny....but that is if things are going her way.

One of the main reasons I never enjoyed Christmas was because she was so mean at that time. My younger brother and I would want to help decorate the Christmas tree and she would let us hang a few ornaments on and then start yelling at us that we put it in the wrong place. She wanted every ornament in the exact same place every year. It was horrible. Plus she has always lived in the same house I grew up in (lives there still) and it's very small. Not enough room for everyone, but she will not have it anywhere else. She did let me have Thanksgiving one year, but she didn't like it...everyone else did.

She is very selfish, self centered and wants people to go out of their way for her, but will never go out of her way for any one else. I have been married 32 years and other than Thanksgiving or Christmas, she has never invited us in for a meal, but is always eager to eat out our house or my brothers.

A good friend of hers passed and we went to the funeral home. One lady told her that she (my mother) had a good daughter and my mom said "she could if she tried a little harder." It really hurt my feelings, but that's my mom.

I could go on and on and on, but this little bit gives you an idea of what I deal with. I only call her now about once a week if that, for her health reasons. She is just so toxic for me to be around I just have to limit it.

Hugs to you, Janet. I'm sorry that your mother is this way and has treated you poorly. You are a really nice person...(maybe you got your personality from your dad. ) Hang in there...something in her life has made her not-so-friendly...maybe her parents???

[Janet]

I am very much like my dad...LOL I don't know how he and my mother got together. He was so easy going and oh so funny. I use to feel so sorry for him when Mom would get on one of her tirades. No matter what "story" dad would tell some one, some of the facts may have been wrong (which really didn't matter) would be pointed out by my mother. She always had to be right.

Like I said, we do love each other. Mom would like us to be closer just as I would, but she'll never change and as it is, it's just too toxic for me. I would hate to tell her exactly how I feel, like someone suggested earlier, but if something were to happen to her, I would hate to have that on my mind. So, I will continue to love her, but at a little bit of a distance.

[RLC12345678]

My mother and I are very close. However, when I was growing up, she made sure I knew that she was my "mother" and not my "friend." Now that I am pretty much grown, we are now more like friends. I talk to her on the phone AT LEAST once a day. I love going home to see her. She said that she and my dad will move whereever my hubby and I settle and she will take care of my children for me while I work.

[Miss_Sara]

I don't think people should be actual friends with their parents until they are moved out and living an entirely different life
before that, they should be taking care of you!

I have a horrible relationship with my mother
I honestly can say that she will not have a lot ot do in my life
she is selfish, and never cared about being a mother
it's as if she got pregnant at 16, even though she was 26
men are always #1 and she would have men "spend the night" constantly.

It just angers me to even think about it
I hope I can be an amazing mother despite this, when the time comes.

She never disciplined me, at 12 years old I was already partying into the wee hours of the morning, without a word from her.

I really urge parents to be strict witht heir children, in the long term they WILLL DEFINITLY REALIZE that you were being a good parent, even if it's a fight at the time... but if you just give in and let them do whatever they want, they might end up resenting the fact that you were never the adult....


I'm sorry so many have been through bad experiences
hopefully we're all able to learn from this, and become stronger people, and better moms ourselves!

[Brooke]

Well I was abused as a kid...my parents divorced and my Dad wound up just not calling one day. We didn't know if he was alive or dead for many years. it turned out he was alive and he came back into our lives for a long time then left again!!!

My Mom beat the living daylights out of my sisters and I...She was alos loving when we were little. She had a terrible temper so we never knew what would set her off...never knew if she was gonna TURN or not. It was like walking on egg shells.

To my mom I was so pretty and smart at times, but other tiems a stupid, moron, idiot, dope... No wonder my self estem has been so screwed up!!!

As teens my sisters and i never got hugs... never got an I LOVE YOU... I think once we got older she didn'tknow how to show her love. The good thing was she stopped beating us as teens too!

My Mom has ALWAY manipulted me and my sisters... As adults we deal with guilt trips. She tries to tell us what to do and how to do it. She got sick about 10 years ago and was ordering me around like crazy... Soemthing snapped in me and I have not been the same since. Now when she pushes I back away. I dont call often and she seems to know now I have my limit as far as what I will put up with. I know she thinks I am a horrible daughter for not taking better care of her but I don't care.. I have to take care of myself first...

The up side of all this is I am SO close to my kids. My daughter is 18 and my son is 22. They get tons of hugs all the time. I love yous overflowing. WE talk about every little thing and I tell them how wonderful and smart they are and I mean it! I think having the bad childhood I did has made me a much better parent and I don't know if I would change it if I could... My heart goes out to the underdog because I am one... I am compasionate and loving and giving because of what I went through as a kid and that really can't be ALL BAD! You always gotta look for the good in the tough times!!!

[Brooke]

Reading back on this I think it is only fair to tell you I know my Mom loves us... She just doesn't know how to show it at times... She was a huggable loveable mom also...she just would snap and hit us so we neer knew wht was coming next!...I know I didnt have a great childhood but in the big picture others are worse off!!! Just to be fair!

[Janet]

Originally Posted by Brooke

Reading back on this I think it is only fair to tell you I know my Mom loves us... She just doesn't know how to show it at times... She was a huggable loveable mom also...she just would snap and hit us so we neer knew wht was coming next!...I know I didnt have a great childhood but in the big picture others are worse off!!! Just to be fair!

Isn't it strange Brooke how both you and I were honest about our childhood and mother and then repost, basically saying the same thing, that we knew we were loved and vice versa. We still have this guilt at times as adults. I don't feel near as guilty as I use to. I've made peace with how things were and I think that helped ease some of the guilt. It wasn't our fault. It's just how it was. I think it made both of us who we are today and I think we're pretty darn good mothers, friends and daughters, in spite of it all.

[khardy57]

Brooke and Janet:

I read your posts and all I can say is you both turned out well. Brooke is close to her children and so are you, Janet. I've always believed that everything happens for a reason so maybe that's what made you both the good people you are today.

Maybe seeing the mistakes that your mothers made helped you both to be better mothers because you aren't repeating those behaviors.

God bless you both

Kim

[Brooke]

Originally Posted by Janet

Isn't it strange Brooke how both you and I were honest about our childhood and mother and then repost, basically saying the same thing, that we knew we were loved and vice versa. We still have this guilt at times as adults. I don't feel near as guilty as I use to. I've made peace with how things were and I think that helped ease some of the guilt. It wasn't our fault. It's just how it was. I think it made both of us who we are today and I think we're pretty darn good mothers, friends and daughters, in spite of it all.

Yeah Janet,

I think that the Lord has a way of taking the bad and working it for good...In this case we turned out to be good Mom's and that is worth everything to me! I don't feel as guilty any more either... I think it must be an age thing...LOL