sexless relationships

[Emmsmom]

There is nothing wrong with voicing an opinion. Nothing at all. It is how you go about doing that. I didn't need to be given a lesson on the risks of co-sleeping. I was well aware of what some of the "experts" have to say. You made it seem as if co-sleeping with a baby was as nasty as it comes as well as very dirty on some level. That is what I took offense to. It might not be your cup of tea and thats fine but please don't try to make me feel as I was breaking some cardinal rule. Every family is different and every family raises their children in a different way.

[HALEY]

Originally Posted by jrsygal37

Haley. From your posts and from personal experience it really seems like your husband wants out of the marriage. When a woman or man leaves the bed and starts sleeping on the couch or in a chair that is a very very bad sign. I can almost guarantee that it has something to do with someone else being in the picture. That is from my own personal experience. Also, the fact that he is trying to avoid you by drinking and staying away in a different part of the house. My first bit of advice to you is to not lower yourself looking to have sex with him. My second bit of advice is to figure out if he's worth the effort and if he is then you really need to sit with him, tell him you love him and ask if he wants to try and work things out. If he's not worth the effort then I'd start living my own life. Build your own happiness with your son and cut him loose. Elaine

Elaine, i do believe you are right on this one, we both are unhappy. The only thing keeping us together right now is Micah.. Just like this weekend My family and i are planning on going to Kennywood for the day, i asked him if he was going and he said well see, even my mother asked whats wrong with him, she asked if we did anything together at all and sadly i said No...

[HALEY]

As for me sleeping with Micah, i knew from day one the risks of sleeping with an infant, but i couldn't help it, the closeness you feel, just watching him sleep, i loved it and if i had another kid I would have done the same thing, as i said before he don't sleep with me everynight, just when he wakes up in the middle of the night i put him in bed with me for comfort cause that's what he is use to.
Heck the doctors even told me not to put him on his stomach when putting him to bed, but i did and he survived. He slept longer that way.
I bet all you ladies are wonderful parents we just do what our motherly insticts tell us to do, and i am comfortable sleeping with my child i also love to rock him for hours just looking at him, while some of my friends just stuff a bottle in there kids crib to shut them up when they wake up in the middle of the night, or put a baby to bed crying, I can't do that! I love the closeness that i have with my son and he knows that to, when he's not feeling good or falls and gets a bump the first words out of his mouth are Ma-Ma, and that my friends makes me feel good. My mother raised us 3 kids the same way, sometimes all three of us were in bed with her, but we all still have that closeness with our mother today. My mother never let us cry, and if we got up in the middle of the night, you bet she was there to comfort us. I give my mom alot of credit raising three kids by herself cause my dad was no help he worked two jobs and was never home with us. Plus my mom had a parttime job when we attended school.
As for the Yuk, i don't have to worry about that one, plus i wash my bedsheets twice a week cause i also sleep with two dogs, i have a community bed!

[AngieDoogles]

Originally Posted by Emmsmom

There is nothing wrong with voicing an opinion. Nothing at all. It is how you go about doing that. I didn't need to be given a lesson on the risks of co-sleeping. I was well aware of what some of the "experts" have to say. You made it seem as if co-sleeping with a baby was as nasty as it comes as well as very dirty on some level. That is what I took offense to. It might not be your cup of tea and thats fine but please don't try to make me feel as I was breaking some cardinal rule. Every family is different and every family raises their children in a different way.

I don't think it was/is wrong to post information that could be helpful to the OP in her current situation. That's what this board is all about, right?

Parenting is a subject that no two people are ever going to agree on every aspect, but that doesn't mean it's wrong to post your thoughts and opinions and back it up.

[teri88]

Haley, you sound like such a wonderful mom! Micah is very, very lucky to have you. I'm so sorry that you are unhappy in your marriage, it just sucks! One thing is for sure, if Mike isn't interested in making the marriage work, then nothing you do will save it. It does take two. I feel sorry for him, he is really missing out. I guess you need to sit down and really find out where he is mentally and what he wants to do going forward. I hope you can save the relationship, but I know you will do what is right for you and for Micah, whatever that turns out to be. {{{hugs}}}

[HALEY]

Originally Posted by teri88

Haley, you sound like such a wonderful mom! Micah is very, very lucky to have you. I'm so sorry that you are unhappy in your marriage, it just sucks! One thing is for sure, if Mike isn't interested in making the marriage work, then nothing you do will save it. It does take two. I feel sorry for him, he is really missing out. I guess you need to sit down and really find out where he is mentally and what he wants to do going forward. I hope you can save the relationship, but I know you will do what is right for you and for Micah, whatever that turns out to be. {{{hugs}}}

Thanks Terri, i try to be a good mom, Micah is the world to me! He's what is keeping me going today.
As for Mike were going to have a couple of days off, i'll try and talk with him again when i calm down some, really don't feel like talking to him right now. What everyone said here is so true, marriage does and will have its ups and downs, like a yo-yo.. Were just going thru the downs right now, and i know having a child stuck in the middle of this is very stressfull, but one thing for sure we do not argue in front of him, that is my #1 rule in the house and Mike knows it. Cause i did call the cops before and have Mike removed from the house, will NOT put up with that. I have to stop nagging him to, i do everything around the house and it looks like its going to be that way until he wakes up or moves out.
I'm going to make a list this weekend of his responsiblities and mine and hang it on the fridge, that way that should stop some nagging, his list is very small compared to mine. His is
make sure the dogs have food/water before you leave for work ( i do this 1/2 the time)
Take out the garbage ( i do this 1/2 the time too)
cut the grass..
clean up after yourself!
Help with Micah when needed!
This is all i'm asking of him....
You would think this would be an easy list but i even do these things.
You don't even want to see my list... But i hope this helps some.
I'm just going to relax these couple days off, spend the time with my son, hopefully take him to Kennywood if it don't rain.. and go to the pool.
And when i do calm down, i'll have a talk with Mike and see what he wants to do.
and where our relationship stands.

[Tink]

I worked for 7 years on a Parenting site and one of our biggest controversies was always Attachment parenting. ( along with circumcision and spanking)

Co-sleeping is one of the aspects of attachment parenting. I think there are as many different ways to parent as there are people doing it. As long as the children are healthy, happy and well adjusted, how they get that way is of little concern.

Since this thread started out on sexless marriages, according to studies I've seen I think it's a lot more common than many realize. There are so many aspects to marriage, and sex might be one of the ones we hear the most about, but in the grand scheme of things, it's certainly not a guaranteed part. Many things can happen that end a sex life. Drinking, drugs, depression, illness, emotional turmoil, lack of emotional intimacy and others can and do put up roadblocks. It seems that often it's just a side affect of other issues.

When we have kids it's harder to focus on the marriage, but more important than ever to do so. Yes we love our kids for life, but in time they do grow up and leave us and we're left with this man we married and had better have a strong connection with him or it's going to be a LONG lonely life. Leaving them is going to hurt the children... no 2 ways about it, whether the kids are 2 or 22. So if you truly love your kids, you need to make time for and nurture your marriage or you're destroying the most valuable thing in their life, which is a loving home with both parents in it. The best gift we can give them is the example of good solid respectful relationship between their parents.

[HALEY]

Originally Posted by Tink

I worked for 7 years on a Parenting site and one of our biggest controversies was always Attachment parenting. ( along with circumcision and spanking)

Co-sleeping is one of the aspects of attachment parenting. I think there are as many different ways to parent as there are people doing it. As long as the children are healthy, happy and well adjusted, how they get that way is of little concern.

Since this thread started out on sexless marriages, according to studies I've seen I think it's a lot more common than many realize. There are so many aspects to marriage, and sex might be one of the ones we hear the most about, but in the grand scheme of things, it's certainly not a guaranteed part. Many things can happen that end a sex life. Drinking, drugs, depression, illness, emotional turmoil, lack of emotional intimacy and others can and do put up roadblocks. It seems that often it's just a side affect of other issues.

When we have kids it's harder to focus on the marriage, but more important than ever to do so. Yes we love our kids for life, but in time they do grow up and leave us and we're left with this man we married and had better have a strong connection with him or it's going to be a LONG lonely life. Leaving them is going to hurt the children... no 2 ways about it, whether the kids are 2 or 22. So if you truly love your kids, you need to make time for and nurture your marriage or you're destroying the most valuable thing in their life, which is a loving home with both parents in it. The best gift we can give them is the example of good solid respectful relationship between their parents.

Tink you word things so well !

[Tiramisu]

My husband would flip out if I "made him a list". I made lists for my children, not my husband. Our trash gets carried out by whoever gets to it first. Our bed gets made by whoever gets ready for work first. Our dogs get carried out by whoever gets to the door first. I mow the yard if he's feeling bad or working late. He mops the floor if I'm feeling bad or sidetracked. We pickup after each other and our children and their children and our parents and our friends. We talk and make lists TOGETHER for extra (out of the norm) things that need to be done. WE DON'T KEEP SCORE!

PS: WE raised four children, while working outside the home! Only our first baby slept with us (for almost four years) until the second one was born.

[HALEY]

Originally Posted by Tiramisu

My husband would flip out if I "made him a list". I made lists for my children, not my husband. Our trash gets carried out by whoever gets to it first. Our bed gets made by whoever gets ready for work first. Our dogs get carried out by whoever gets to the door first. I mow the yard if he's feeling bad or working late. He mops the floor if I'm feeling bad or sidetracked. We pickup after each other and our children and their children and our parents and our friends. We talk and make lists TOGETHER for extra (out of the norm) things that need to be done. WE DON'T KEEP SCORE!

PS: WE raised four children, while working outside the home! Only our first baby slept with us (for almost four years) until the second one was born.

Well Sandy i guess your one of the lucky ones you have a good husband that helps you, i don't. he does nothing at home.. i do it all....

[AngieDoogles]

Originally Posted by Tink

I worked for 7 years on a Parenting site and one of our biggest controversies was always Attachment parenting. ( along with circumcision and spanking)

Co-sleeping is one of the aspects of attachment parenting. I think there are as many different ways to parent as there are people doing it. As long as the children are healthy, happy and well adjusted, how they get that way is of little concern.

Since this thread started out on sexless marriages, according to studies I've seen I think it's a lot more common than many realize. There are so many aspects to marriage, and sex might be one of the ones we hear the most about, but in the grand scheme of things, it's certainly not a guaranteed part. Many things can happen that end a sex life. Drinking, drugs, depression, illness, emotional turmoil, lack of emotional intimacy and others can and do put up roadblocks. It seems that often it's just a side affect of other issues.

When we have kids it's harder to focus on the marriage, but more important than ever to do so. Yes we love our kids for life, but in time they do grow up and leave us and we're left with this man we married and had better have a strong connection with him or it's going to be a LONG lonely life. Leaving them is going to hurt the children... no 2 ways about it, whether the kids are 2 or 22. So if you truly love your kids, you need to make time for and nurture your marriage or you're destroying the most valuable thing in their life, which is a loving home with both parents in it. The best gift we can give them is the example of good solid respectful relationship between their parents.

Wonderful post Tink. I agree with every word. I really appreciate you sharing your wisdom with us!

[jrsygal37]

[B]I agree 100 percent with Tink. The only thing I have to say is that your son should not be the reason you stay in your marriage. It's the reason you should make damn sure that the marriage is over before ending it but certainly not the reason to exist in a relationship. Believe me when I say that as your child gets older he will realize that things are not right in his house. By the time he is a young teen he'll know exactly what is going on and resentment for one or the other or both will form. Divorce is hard on a child but it's far harder for them to live with parents that do not get along. Elaine

[Emmsmom]

I agree with Elaine on this one too. I only say this because I know of a family that stayed together for the children. It really did a number on them later. I really hope that you all can work things out. ((HUGS))

[Janet]

Tink always has the best advice and knows how to word it so beautifully.

Haley, the only thing I can say is, if you knew he was this way...you should have ran the other way. I've been married almost 34 years now. You know I've been painting...well, my husband has never lifted a paint brush, never asked if he could help or anything of that nature. It's the reason too that we sided the outside of our house and buildings...I was the one that painted them. If I want things to look nice and stay nice....it's up to me. Don't think you can change them....it won't happen. So if having help is important to you...then my advice is run! I should have.

[jrsygal37]

Originally Posted by Janet

Tink always has the best advice and knows how to word it so beautifully.

Haley, the only thing I can say is, if you knew he was this way...you should have ran the other way. I've been married almost 34 years now. You know I've been painting...well, my husband has never lifted a paint brush, never asked if he could help or anything of that nature. It's the reason too that we sided the outside of our house and buildings...I was the one that painted them. If I want things to look nice and stay nice....it's up to me. Don't think you can change them....it won't happen. So if having help is important to you...then my advice is run! I should have.

Janet. I am in the same boat with the painting. I just painted part of the inside of our house 2,500 sq. foot and got NO HELP. I have the upstairs still to do. Hubby does not help out with any of the work. I do the pool, paint, clean, take care of the kids, the dogs and he's retarded oh wait I mean retired. LOL. It does suck doesn't it. Elaine