sexless relationships

[Emmsmom]

Originally Posted by jrsygal37

I do the pool, paint, clean, take care of the kids, the dogs and he's retarded oh wait I mean retired. LOL. It does suck doesn't it. Elaine

I am sorry but that is just too funny! I will have to remember that one!

[Dobie]

My first marriage was a disaster, we didn't have sex the last 2 years of it - he said it was a "Chore" - just like washing the dishes or changing a tire. Turns out he had at least one affair.

My current husband is the best thing that's ever happened to me - I tell people I don't regret my first marriage because it has allowed me to really appreciate how wonderful Jim is. He sings "You are my sunshine" to me every night right before we go to bed, then holds my hand as we fall asleep because he says he can't fall asleep unless he's touching the love of his life.
As far as chores go - we set aside time everynight for general chores and we play music and dance around the house while we clean. Everything gets done a lot quicker when you do it together. After cleaning time, we jump in the shower and he washes my hair for me - it's our quiet time together when nothing from the outside world can intrude.

[HALEY]

Originally Posted by Emmsmom

I agree with Elaine on this one too. I only say this because I know of a family that stayed together for the children. It really did a number on them later. I really hope that you all can work things out. ((HUGS))

Michelle, i was raise in a house where my parents were very unhappy and it does effect you when you are older, and i refuse to do that to my child...

[HALEY]

Originally Posted by Janet

Tink always has the best advice and knows how to word it so beautifully.

Haley, the only thing I can say is, if you knew he was this way...you should have ran the other way. I've been married almost 34 years now. You know I've been painting...well, my husband has never lifted a paint brush, never asked if he could help or anything of that nature. It's the reason too that we sided the outside of our house and buildings...I was the one that painted them. If I want things to look nice and stay nice....it's up to me. Don't think you can change them....it won't happen. So if having help is important to you...then my advice is run! I should have.

Janet i know what you mean about the house looking nice i was 6 months pregnant and painting my kitchen! I had friends over to help, then after the baby was born a good friend of mine came over to help me, then that's when Mike decided to get off his butt and help! He probably didn't want to look bad infront of another person in the house!

[HALEY]

Originally Posted by jrsygal37

Janet. I am in the same boat with the painting. I just painted part of the inside of our house 2,500 sq. foot and got NO HELP. I have the upstairs still to do. Hubby does not help out with any of the work. I do the pool, paint, clean, take care of the kids, the dogs and he's retarded oh wait I mean retired. LOL. It does suck doesn't it. Elaine

Yes it does suck,,, I had a doctors apt yesterday, then one of my girlfriends called, so i called home a told Mike i was going to stop and have a couple beers with my girlfriend, it was so nice to get out for a couple of hours.
Then i get home, there are dishes everywhere, Mike is sleeping in the chair, Micah got a hold of the baby powder and look out it was everywhere!!! and i do mean everywhere, even the dogs were white, I woke up Mike and told him i was going to bed!!!!
Well who do you think got stuck with all the mess this morning!!! I had to get ready for work, get Micah ready, and try and clean the best i could before i left. it looks like i'll be bringing the rug shampoo out and cleaning the rugs tonight...
oh what fun....

[Janet]

Originally Posted by jrsygal37

Janet. I am in the same boat with the painting. I just painted part of the inside of our house 2,500 sq. foot and got NO HELP. I have the upstairs still to do. Hubby does not help out with any of the work. I do the pool, paint, clean, take care of the kids, the dogs and he's retarded oh wait I mean retired. LOL. It does suck doesn't it. Elaine

Yes, Elaine...it sucks big time. He has to be reminded the yard needs mowed too. He's either blind or just plain stupid. I can't hardly stand to touch his clothes to wash them, but I do refuse to fold them. I use to, but then I would open up the chest of drawers and he had such a mess in them. So I decided not to even open them anymore. Why would I want to get myself upset. I should've left a long...long time ago!

I hated that my post to Haley sounded so cold, but she has two choices from where I sit. Get used to it and don't let it bother her...or get out.

[HALEY]

Originally Posted by Janet

Yes, Elaine...it sucks big time. He has to be reminded the yard needs mowed too. He's either blind or just plain stupid. I can't hardly stand to touch his clothes to wash them, but I do refuse to fold them. I use to, but then I would open up the chest of drawers and he had such a mess in them. So I decided not to even open them anymore. Why would I want to get myself upset. I should've left a long...long time ago!

I hated that my post to Haley sounded so cold, but she has two choices from where I sit. Get used to it and don't let it bother her...or get out.

Janet your post wasn't cold, your 100% right, i'm not happy and i need to make a choice and one very soon, your like me i do wash his clothes then i throw them in a pile downstairs and that's where they sit, i use to clean out his drawers all the time and they would get messed up the next day, and i would get so upset. now i just don't care.. if he wants to live like a pig then, let him i moved all his stuff downstairs in the basement because he was a pig. and there's clothes everywhere. and i don't care...

[Marilyn]

I've been silent in this thread so far. Lots of people have given you lots of advice. If you sit back and just look at the situation. What I see is two people who knew going into the marriage that there were some fundamental differences in personalities and expectations, but something brought you together. You decided for some reason to get married. Why? What brought you together? What made you think that he is the one you wanted to spend the rest of your life with? You need to stop and think on this. You say he's a pig and was when you married him. There must have been something attractive about this pig.

Newlyweds need time together. Time to get to know one another and establish a relationship. You need time to talk about everything, the past, the present, the future. You have to learn his quirks and he needs to get to know yours. When you throw into the mix a child right away, two dogs, two jobs and a house you are trying to maintain and remodel. It's no wonder you don't know each other and have not established your strong marriage relationship. You went for it all way too quickly. Newlyweds need to live in an apartment for a while with no grass to mow, and no pets so they can focus on each other.

Whether you decide to try to make it work or to dump him, you need to look at your lives. In order to have the time to build your futures whether that is together or apart, you need to simplify. In my opinion, you need to live with the house the way it is for a while, forget the remodel for now, or sell it and buy something or rent something that does not require so much energy. You may consider giving the dogs to caring family or friends so you have more time. If your dogs are yorkies, I know they take a lot of your time. Get back to the basics, you, your husband and Micah. Also, don't stress so much about everything being spotless. There is a certain level of sanitation we should all maintain, but if the dishes don't get done because you are spending time with your husband and child, so what. The dishes won't be hurt, just put a little clorox in the dishwater when you do get to them.

The most important priorities in your life right now are your husband and your child. God should be first, of course, but you have so much going on right now, you need to start with prayer and consider some of what I've said here.

These are just my thoughts and opinions, but if you step back and take a look at the big picture, this is what I see from my vantage point. After 35 years of marriage and 54 years of living, I've learned that we need to focus our time on the most important things in life, and relationships are way up on the list. Houses come and go, and so do things. Pets while we enjoy them a lot, should not be our focus when you have so much else going on. They live a few years and then they are gone. The older you get, the less important some of the details become.

I'm still stressed out over little things myself, so the pot is sitting here calling the kettle black a bit, but my dishes aren't clean right now, and it's okay because hubby and I are busy living and we have a daughter we want to spend some time with this weekend. He and she are what is important to me, not that pot I used to cook spagetti, or the unfolded laundry in the laundry room.

[HALEY]

Marylin, He did help me alot when the baby was born, i just guess the newness of the baby wore off! He was so happy when he found out i was pregnant then that wore off too, he only went to two doctors visits with me. and he was there when Micah was born... I sat home by myself for 9 months while he went out with his friends every weekend, and i'm still pissed about that today. that really hurt..
I do love Mike and i always will, i tryed to talk to him, tried yelling, bitching, nagging. nothing works he's in his own little world.
I was attracted to him in high school but we dated a couple years after that, Mike is very good looking man, somewhat of a bad boy, the Harley Davidson guy that i fell in love with, we both love to ride motorcycles. that's one of the reason i fell in love with him. we use to go out every weekend and have a blast with our friends, but you can't do that anymore when you have kids, i grew out of that lifestyle and he seems to not want to let it go! and i believe i got pregnant way too soon, on my honeymoon! it just went so fast, we were married then i was a mother, yes all you ladies were right there was no us time. plus taking on an old house remolding it. I try to make us time, go out to dinner, but he always calls his friends to meet up with us, and he knows that pisses me off. why he does it i don't know.. Were going to have a couple of days off and i will set some us time once again, to try and talk to him, and see what he wants to do... I am willing to try once again, but i need him to try too. well see what the weekend brings.

[teri88]

Haley you said the most important thing of all at the end of your last post:that you are willing to try and you need him to try too. It will take both of you to save this marriage if it's going to be saved. You guys really need to consider counceling. He has a lot of growing up to do and he's not going to listen to you, he needs to hear it from an "outsider".

[HALEY]

Originally Posted by teri88

Haley you said the most important thing of all at the end of your last post:that you are willing to try and you need him to try too. It will take both of you to save this marriage if it's going to be saved. You guys really need to consider counceling. He has a lot of growing up to do and he's not going to listen to you, he needs to hear it from an "outsider".

I do try Teri, but it seems like i'm the only one trying! it just gets so frustrating i just want to scream or pull all my hair out...

[Marilyn]

Haley, Sweetie, I'm going to hit you a bit hard here, so brace yourself. First, this needs to also be prefaced with the fact that you need to be discussing this with a councelor. Okay, here goes, did he want the old house to fix up, or did you? Did he agree to it because you wanted it so bad, not realizing what he was signing up for? And why do you have to completely give up your motorcycling lifestyle just because you have a child? You're available time to go out is greatly reduced by having a child, but you could schedule some time for Micah to stay with a sitter once in a while so you could go out on the scooter together. Just think how much better you would feel about life after spending some time on the back of your ride with the wind in your face and your arms around Mike. Micah is an amazing child, and you are being a very responsible mom. Building the relationship with his dad is part of your responsibility. If he were abusing you, or sleeping around, what I'm expressing here would not apply, but it doesn't sound like that is the case.

Look at this from his perspective. He married a fun gal that he enjoyed doing crazy biker things with and he got an old house with lots of time consuming work and a yard, a child, and a wife who is placing a lot demands on him. You've only been married two years. You have taken on responsibilities that stress much more mature relationships.

Just think about it. He has a lot of maturing to do. That's obvious!! but, try to look at it from his perspective, too.

I sincerely hope that you do get to spend some quality time together this weekend. Please let us know how it goes. And, please understand that my words come from a caring heart. If I didn't care, I'd have skipped this thread. You and Mike are in my sincerest prayers.

[DianaB]

I think that Marilyn has given you some really good advice.

My husband doesn't do hardly anything around the house either, but I refuse to dwell on it. He's a good, hard-working man in every other area. I appreciate his hard work and I don't want or like to be naggy at him when he's home. Our home is a place of refuge that I want him to come to, not be driven away from by my negative words.

I mow the yard everytime it needs mowed. I have a basement that leaks and I've waited and waited for it to be repaired so I finally found something and, hopefully, I have it stopped for awhile. He does help empty the dishwasher some and will do some cleaning to help out, but not very often. My husband has the whole winter to get things done that he can't get done in the summer because he's busy, but nothing gets done. We've lived in our new home now for 9 years and basically I have nothing in the back yard. It's sloped and the dirt is washing away. I have rotten wooden steps from my back door and no patio, nothing. I could go on and on about what doesn't get done because there are many, many things. I try to do the best that I can to keep things up. I get fustrated, very fustrated, but I still appreciate him. I try to look at the positives and there's a lot more positives than negatives. I have a wonderful marriage because I refuse to dwell on the problems.

[Tink]

I have to join the other 50-something ladies here... We've been there, seen it, lived it and watched our friends go through it as well.
My husband drives semi, so is home maybe 1-2 days a week at most. Needless to say he's not been here helping with housework or child care as his job simply doesn't allow it. When he does get home the last thing he wants to do is go somewhere again, so our time together is usually spent at home together. He eats out all week, so his ideal is to have a home cooked meal and to be able to relax in front of the TV (which he doesn't see all week) or unwind with the puppies, catch up with the kids, and so on.

It would be SO easy for he and I to lose touch if we didn't truly work at it. I could resent his being gone and the fact that I was for the most part a single parent to the children HE so desperately wanted. Yet I know that he loves his profession and the freedom it affords him, and it was this independent yet loving man that I fell in love with, so it would be rather self-defeating to try to change him to fill my idea of a more helpful mate.
We live a very simple life, and I try not to ask too much of him when he is here. Rather, we try to just enjoy our time together and appreciate each other for who we are and support each others dreams. It's this that's kept us together when most of our friends have parted.

[jrsygal37]

I'm very closed mouth about my life and relationships but some how I guess when you are on a computer you feel almost anonymous. Maybe, this will help you Haley. I'm not sure how old you are but I'm roundin 40. Ouch that hurt. LOL. I married young 18 yrs. old. My husband is older then me and we have two beautiful boys who are now teen and pre-teen at 12 and 14. Time goes fast. Faster then you ever realize. And, one day you wake up and think back about what you should have done and how much you lost.

My husband was married before and well as I said I was young and obviously he was my first. He had his kids I wanted kids he didn't. I was young in love and really dumb. The first ten years I was married was bad. I tried hard to be what he wanted. Kept myself in shape, dressed as he liked, kept the house as he liked, never went out and just built my life around him and for him. He on the other hand liked having a young stupid "trophy" wife so he could have his cake and eat it too. He had night clubs and he had girlfriends. I made a big mistake. Instead of leaving him, I brought two little boys into the picture hoping it would make everything right. It didn't. He was still always at the clubs and he still had his girlfriends. You can't change who they are. If they are lazy they will be lazy all through your marriage. If they cheat they will always cheat all through your marriage until it stops working (LOL).

One day I woke up and realized the big mistakes I made. The first staying with him and the second bringing two innocent boys into a bad marriage and the third staying in the marriage because of the boys. And, it's funny one day he just became the husband I would have loved to have had yet, but it was too late. I changed and I moved on. I stopped sleeping in the bed with him years ago and even after he became the man I always wanted I found that I could not go back. It took a long time but I do love him but not as a wife should love her husband.

I'm different. I'm not the little girl I was and I realized that there was more to life then what I had with him. I live my own life. We live together but separate if you know what I mean and this is what I meant when I say that your son as he gets older will realize what is going on. My oldest does and it hurts me. I'm thankful that he never knew how his dad used to be, but sad at the same time because I'm the bad guy.

So, this is what I was trying to say when I said that you need to make sure that your marriage is over and if it is to end it completely because staying in a marriage for you son is not the way to go. In the long run it comes back and bites everyone on the butt. Elaine