i give up...well, i want to anyway...

[toodles]

if you look back at some of my previous posts about my dh, you will notice a lot of complaining...about various things. well, i have come to the conclusion that it is probably me. i just don't know how to be with someone like him. and i am finding a million things that drive me crazy about him. i don't know how to fix it but i can tell you, i'm DONE. i have just grown cold. and i don't know how to change it. and i really, honestly, don't know if i want to. maybe that is why i don't know how...because i don't really want to

most days, i feel like he is just so "overpowering". like he just has to control everything. everything. most people would look at the surface of the relationship and say things like "he always lets you drive..everywhere you go together". yes...he does. but he is SURE to tell me HOW to drive, what to look out for, and which way to go. people would say "He gives you anything you ask for". yes...i don't want for anything,. but he makes sure that I do with those things what he would want me to do with them...and believe me, he never lets me forget how much he does for me. some would say "he doesn't mind cleaning, doing laundry, and cooking.." yes...he does more than his share around the house. more than me most times. BUT...the reason i don't do as much is because he complains about the way I do things 9 times out of 10. how i fold the towels, how i fold his shirts and socks, the way i take the dishes out of the dishwasher, what i use to wipe down the countertops, how i cook the food.

it just seems like he has to make sure i do everything HIS way. since we have been married, i have changed SO MANY things... i have conformed to HIS way of life. I even gave the responsibility of paying the bills because he would b*&ch and complain about how i paid the bills. because it wasn't the way he does it. so i just said "forget it" and let him do it his way..so he wouldn't have anything to complain about.

and this is what has really pushed me over the edge lately:
there are times when i will be talking to my daughter. teaching her how to do things, explaining to her why we do certain things, etc. and he will interrupt me, talk OVER me, and tell her to go do something. and sometimes, he is telling her to go and do what I am trying to teach her to do. example, I was teaching her how to put a new trash bag in her trash can for her bedroom. he butts in, talking over me, saying "trinity, go put your trash can back in your room." UGGGGH!!!! it's almost like he just has to control everything. like if he is not telling someone to do something, he would just waste away to nothing.

you guys do not know me real well, and what you do know you probably think i am just blowing steam. but i really am over it. i married him knowing that we were totally different personalities...i am outgoing, he is a hermit....i love animals, he would rather do without them....i live for the moment, he has to have a detailed plan of each minute of each day....i would rather be around friends and enjoying time with people i care about.,..he would rather stay home.

i knew we had differences like this, but everyone kept telling me that we would compliment each other. that our differences were not so bad. i fell for it. i married him because i was tired of the dating game...i found someone that loved me, i knew would be faithful and care for me until i draw my last breath, and i held on to that. i was so tired of being used, abused, and used some more. my best friend tells me that i settled. maybe i did. but i did it for the right reasons. i was looking out for my daughter too. but here i am facing the fact that i have such a HARD time living with this man. such a hard time. now...how is that good for my daughter?? it's not. and i know this. so what do i do???

i'm so torn. i look at my aunt, who i admire in so many ways, and she is in a marriage where they have more of a business relationship than a marriage. they never really talk, they are never affectionate, and when i found out that today was their anniversary, i asked them what they were doing and she said "he is going to play golf". they just don't have a marriage IMO. and i remember once, asking her, "why do you stay with him???" and she basically told me that at her age, it was just easier to stay than to start all over. that he takes care of her and her kids. so she stays. and that she is accustomed to her lifestyle. he does his thing, she does hers. i swore i would never be that way. but here i am. i allowed myself to be that way.

i really am not looking for advice, just needed to vent. dh and i are not speaking right now. and it has to do with me driving on part of our trip and having to take a back road because of traffic. he kept saying "drive slow, look out for rocks, be careful...." i got frustrated because to me...someone who has NEVER been in an accident...it seems like he just doesn't trust me to take care of the car and know how to drive. he could tell i was frustrated and said "after what happened when i ran over that rock and busted my oil pan, i am just nervous". i snapped. i said "you know, i am capable of looking out for rocks, i am capable of getting us where we are going...and i LOVE my car...just trust me to take care of it and be careful. you don't have to hold my hand." then he told me he didn't like my attitude. i finally said to him (and maybe i was out of line) i said "if you felt the need to control everything, you should have stayed single, then you could control your own life".

he hasn't spoken a word to me since.

honestly...i don't care. he can sulk all he wants. i'm over it. yes...that sounds very cold...but i'm over it.

[Janet]

WOW!!! I wish I had some advice for you. My situation is totally different, but I don't want in my marriage either. I could never have someone control me, I don't know how you've managed. How long have you been married?

I've been married 32 years and I, too, want out!!! I don't love him and don't like being around him. He just had back surgery, so now I'm stuck with him for up to 3 months 24/7. Don't know if I'll be able to stand it or not. I don't want to take care of him. I hope he gets better sooner than the 3 months so he can go back to work.

The only advice I have....don't wait to do something as long as I have. I'm 52 years old and feel like 80.

[Passionfruition]

Wow, I can tell you really poured your heart out in that post. I can definitely relate as I was/am married to a very controlling guy who has input on EVERYTHING, etc....and we're separated now. It's really hard - really hard, and I think it's a decision that nobody can make but you. Only YOU can decide when you've had enough. I used to think my husband was controlling because he really cared about me, but I have really come to see that it was selfish motives driving him. He never loved me for who I am, only who he wanted me to be. I felt so alone, so trapped, so lonely.

It's scary...I looked at a "checklist" of sorts for verbal and emotional abuse, and I could check off nearly every one. That's when I started to realize that maybe it wasn't all my fault and that perhaps I deserved better and should stand up for myself. http://www.cdh.org/ClinicalServices.aspx?id=9298 ...and here's another good article: http://www.myndtalk.org/html/emotional_abuse.html

The hardest part is, he could really be a nice guy at times, and for the most part, nobody really could see how he treated me behind closed doors. I am just now realizing, now that I am separated and away from the cycle of abuse, how worthy I really am, and how happy I can be. I haven't been happy for so long now.

I know our situations are completely different, and I don't mean to suggest otherwise. Please know I am here for you if you ever need to talk. Feel free to PM me anytime.

[Ponyup]

I would think you should go to marriage counseling. the big problem is you guys aren't communicating with one another. My husband & I have had similar problems. He was bitchin that I wasn't helping enough around the house & then when I'd try to help he would either re-do it or gripe about how i did it. It made me feel like I couldn't do anything right. I told him that i didn't want to help because he was making me feel this way. So we have come up with tasks that are my tasks & i can do them anyway i deem fit.

Compromises are possible, but you have to talk about them when you both are calm & willing to work out a solution. Marriage is difficult at times & takes work on both peoples end. If he is not willing to relinquish some of the control then maybe he isn't ready to be married.

I have had moments where i was sure i was done. That i didn't love my husband anymore for whatever reason. However i soon found out my love for him was still there it was just buried under a lot of other crap. The first two years I was married were really hard. it's difficult when you are used to being alone to work with someone else & be with someone else all the time. But I'm glad we stuck it out. We've been married 5 years now & he's my best friend. Our marriage doesn't look like what you see on t.v.. We aren't increadibly passionate or affectionate. When i was first married I thought something was wrong because it didn't measure up to the way i thought it should be. But you need to throw out any expectations & just figure out what works for the both of you & makes you happy. It might not end up looking like you thought it would or should, but that's okay. Just try & relax & go with the flo & remember why you fell in love with him in the first place.

[highlans]

I have beem following your posts and you have not been happy there are no repeats to life you have a right to be happy you and your daughter. Take the right path be happy ditch this control freak there is someone out there who will love you for who you are, you may not meet him this year next or untill you are old but there will be someone. xxx

[AngieDoogles]

I'm so sorry to hear this Mandee. My heart really goes out to you. I have such a soft spot for married couples and I just hate to hear when things aren't going well in a marriage. You have to do what is right and best for you and your daughter. I wish there was more I could say, but sometimes words just aren't enough. If you ever need someone to talk to or somewhere to vent, we are here for you.

*hugs*

[Gina]

Mandee, I to am sorry to hear this, but if you read what I have wrote to you in the past. I hate to say I told you so, but there is a pattern that you were not aware of yourself. When you get a chance go back and read what I had wrote to you in your last post.

I gather that you are still young the only advice anyone can really give you is to go to marriage counciling you do have a child together and if you can make it work , its better for your daughter to have two loving parents in a family unit. I do understand sometimes it is better being alone and showing the child love and a happy enviroment. Sometimes your spouse needs a wake up call, you need to weigh out your options, I have many divorced friends and they are no happier than the married ones. I am 50 yrs . old and married 25 yrs. I to almost left him a few years ago , we did the marriage councelor thingy. Did it work, yes and no. I have come to accept my husband for who he is, People think my husband is wonderful, yes he is a good provider and he is a good father. We barely talk for he is a quiet person and not to loving either he has issues steming from his childhood. Very emotionless people, I in turn am out going and a loving person, I guess like Janet and your aunt I learn to accept things and there is so much more. Never allow them to treat you like a child, for I made him get away with it for many years and through counciling for myself I no longer put up with that crap.

All I can say is don't become us older women down the road, but give it your best shot at trying to work things out. You can say at least that I tried.Life is short and one day you will wake up and reallize life is passing you by. Be happy with whatever you decide.

Good luck..

[toodles]

I will reply to all of your posts when I get home, I am doing this from my phone and I have a lot I want to say will do that from my laptop when I get home.
But I did want to clear up one thing ... My dd is not with my husband. I had her with my high school sweetheart who ended up cheating on me when she was 1. We never married.

Also...I am 29 years young. Yes, still "young" but not SUPER young

Ok... I'll write more soon

HUGS!!!

Originally Posted by Gina

Mandee, I to am sorry to hear this, but if you read what I have wrote to you in the past. I hate to say I told you so, but there is a pattern that you were not aware of yourself. When you get a chance go back and read what I had wrote to you in your last post.

I gather that you are still young the only advice anyone can really give you is to go to marriage counciling you do have a child together and if you can make it work , its better for your daughter to have two loving parents in a family unit. I do understand sometimes it is better being alone and showing the child love and a happy enviroment. Sometimes your spouse needs a wake up call, you need to weigh out your options, I have many divorced friends and they are no happier than the married ones. I am 50 yrs . old and married 25 yrs. I to almost left him a few years ago , we did the marriage councelor thingy. Did it work, yes and no. I have come to accept my husband for who he is, People think my husband is wonderful, yes he is a good provider and he is a good father. We barely talk for he is a quiet person and not to loving either he has issues steming from his childhood. Very emotionless people, I in turn am out going and a loving person, I guess like Janet and your aunt I learn to accept things and there is so much more. Never allow them to treat you like a child, for I made him get away with it for many years and through counciling for myself I no longer put up with that crap.

All I can say is don't become us older women down the road, but give it your best shot at trying to work things out. You can say at least that I tried.Life is short and one day you will wake up and reallize life is passing you by. Be happy with whatever you decide.

Good luck..

[AngieDoogles]

I hope you are feeling at least a bit better now that some time has passed. Sometimes it helps to just vent and get all of those emotions out...

*more hugs!*

[toodles]

Originally Posted by AngieDoogles

I hope you are feeling at least a bit better now that some time has passed. Sometimes it helps to just vent and get all of those emotions out...

*more hugs!*

thank you


we have talked. well, it started by him asking "are you happy?? I don't think you are happy!"

well, that opened the can. so we talked. i expressed some of my frustrations and all in all, we both agreed that most of our problems started when we started working together. we never have been able to create a separation between work and marriage. so our marriage has become more of a business relationship. some people can work with their spouses, i cannot. i have struggled with it since day 1. i just can't do it. we own the business and it is just very hard, mostly because i am the one that does the work...he is only involved because we put the business in our names together. so he feels the need to dip into what is going on all the time. and my investor thinks my husband walks on water so he talks to him instead of me. "hey, jim, tell mandee ________________"

well, that just doesn't work. because then i get frustrated and jim is now involved and it just gets horribly ugly. so...long story short, we have agreed that we cannot let this continue. not if we want to save our marriage. since this is one of the major problems we have! so i am going to hire someone to do what i do on a daily basis, pay them what i have been paying myself, and i will just remove myself from it and stay home. this has been my ultimate goal....to own the company but not do ALL the work. i will still be the decision maker, the "go to" person when someone needs help or advice...or whatever. but i will work on the "quiet" end of it. and just enjoy the ownership aspect of it. this will keep me from working with him. he will no longer feel the need to ask me a million times a day "did you do this...did you do that...don't forget to do this...be sure to do that..." THAT gets old!!!!!!!!!! I DO HAVE A BRAIN...I CAN THINK FOR MYSELF!! that wears me out on a daily basis and by the end of the day, i cannot stand him!! so anything and everything he does drives me NUTS!!!

so...i will now be able to concentrate on making my doggie clothes and accessories and do some of the things I have been wanting to do my whole life...but have always put work first.

now...about his controlling nature. we discussed that. i have expressed to him that i cannot handle it any longer. i just can't. he told me that i seem so cold toward him. and i explained that it is because of him being so controlling. i explained to him that i have always been a strong woman, very independent. and that since he has come along, i feel like i can't think for myself anymore. i hate feeling that way...therefore i am very cold to him.

he was stunned. he really didn't know what to say other than "sorry". he finally realized what he is doing. he told me that he will try very hard to work on this.

so i think we have had a breakthrough. hopefully. i explained to him that i am on my last string...that i can't handle it much longer. i told him that i have had thoughts of how i would live on my own again...and that i hate thinking like that. but i can't help it. i do love him...but i really don't like him very much lately. know what i mean??

well, he understood. so we will see if things get any better. we both discussed things that have been bothering each of us and hopefully we can both improve on our ends.

thanks again for all the support and advice. you are all AWESOME!!!

[AngieDoogles]

That's wonderful Mandee! I'm so glad that it seems you are both willing to work. Just remember, this doesn't mean things will be perfect; you will both still make mistakes, but at least now you have a better understanding of each other and the cause of your discontentment. Congratulations on taking a very difficult first step!

[Janet]

Good for you. I'm happy that you've talked it all out!

[judy]

Dear Mandee,

Having been divorced twice, I have to commend you on being able to talk it out with your husband. It's the most important first step to mending things.

With my second ex, we went to marriage counseling. We cared a great deal for each other. I was the "love of his life," but he, too, was controlling. Val talked about abuse, and I have to say that I feel that control is the beginning of abuse. I didn't want that marriage to end at that time. We were great friends, I did love him, although I was never in love with him, we knew each other since junior high school as friends, and he's still an amazing stepfather.

The marriage did end. The bottom line was that I really was done being treated that way. The counseling showed me exactly what we both were about, we tried our best to keep it together, and I ended it with no regrets.

I am so much happier - and this is about 12 years later - than I was with him.
I don't believe in suffering. Life is too short and I'm not afraid to be alone.
But, that's me.

Nobody can tell you what to do. I would say that counseling, with the right counselor, might be helpful. We had the wrong counselor at first. She told me I had to compromise, this is who he is, blah, blah, blah. I just didn't want him!
I didn't have to compromise my own life and I didn't care for who he was.

Best to you. Prayers for the best outcome are coming your way.

[Forgivenmom5]

Mandee sounds like you really communicated this time. Hope it helps. You could not have worked on the problem without you both truly realizing what the problem was.

Good Luck and try to remember that the love you have is worth working for.

[toodles]

things have been much much better lately. we have both been more loving and aware of when the other person is not happy with something. he has also taken more time and been aware of how he is acting with my daughter. she is seeing the benefit of our talk as well