sexless relationships

[HALEY]

Is anyone else in a marriage/relationship, where there is no sex at all, or am i the only one here?
I just gave up asking for it, i think it's been since around Christmas since the last time, and i'm married!

[jrsygal37]

Originally Posted by HALEY

Is anyone else in a marriage/relationship, where there is no sex at all, or am i the only one here?
I just gave up asking for it, i think it's been since around Christmas since the last time, and i'm married!

I don't have an answer for you but do have a few possibilities as to why and some suggestions. I'm not sure how old your husband is or his health but I do know that some medications effect the sex drive as well as the ability. Is he on any blood pressure or diabetic meds? A lot will effect the ability to perform and a lot of men will not admit that they just can't so instead they will avoid it. If it's not that you can't ignore too that he may have an interest on the side. Some may not agree with that oppinion but from experience I know that when a man does not have an interest he is either getting it some where else (or) something is effecting his ability or want which in a lot of cases is medications and or alcohol too. I would have a heart to heart with him and try to get some answers. Don't let him blow you off - ask him straight out questions and make sure you get open honest answers. Elaine

[HALEY]

He said it's cause we fight all the time....

[jrsygal37]

Originally Posted by HALEY

He said it's cause we fight all the time....

If that's true then maybe a marriage councelor could help get to the root of why you are fighting all the time and what can be done to prevent it. I'm not real big on counceling but I know it's helped a lot of marriages. How long have you guys been married? Any children? Elaine

[DianaB]

Medicines do make a difference so you might want to check them first for any problems. I know that I've had medicine affect me like that and I changed meds.

I know that for me if we're not getting along I don't get in the "mood" either. I don't want to make love to someone that I'm upset with.

I think that Elaine gave some pretty good advice and I agree with her. A good counselor may be in order for you two.

[Janet]

Looks like Elaine and Diana have the answers here. Very good advice. If his answer is true..well, it would be hard to want to be with someone that you fight with all the time.

[DianaB]

Haley, something else you might want to think about is........your little boy takes a lot of your time and energy. Are you sitting aside some time for your husband as well. We like to think that they're grownups and that they understand that babies need a lot of care and our time, but husband's are more selfish than that. They like that time too. They like knowing that for a change they come before the baby does. In other words, they like to be babied too.

My husband was so green with envy when I got Reuger. We weren't getting along the best and he was so jealous of the attention that the dog was getting. It still annoys my husband when he's is paying attention to me and I pick Reuger up and put him on my lap. I've learned to ignore Reuger and make my husband feel special too. I think that the same can be said for men and babies. It's not that he doesn't love your son, it's just that your husband wants your undivided attention. Give it a try and see what happens.

[pope1982]

Sex goes through phases, sometimes can't keep hands off one another and sometimes can't get schedules to line up. It is one of the perks of the relationship, not the most important aspect. But a very good example of why you had better to be able to stand the person you will be looking at for the next 60+ years lol

Just try to reconnect, keep it fresh, and impulsive. Tell him to take out his frustrations in some great make up sex, or invest in a toy or two if that is the sort of thing for you. Ask him if there is anything he wants to do, or just take it upon yourself to take control and surprise the both of you with some different moves or positions. This will not only ignite the passion again, but empower you with your own sexuality and femininity. If you are confident, he will pick up on that and it will make you more irresistible.

Rejection is never easy, but neither is sex when you are not in the mood. It is something special you share with the one you love, so I can see why he would feel that way about "sleeping with the enemy" so to speak.
I think it is so nice that you guys respect each other enough to say no not right now, and leave it at that.

[HALEY]

Originally Posted by jrsygal37

If that's true then maybe a marriage councelor could help get to the root of why you are fighting all the time and what can be done to prevent it. I'm not real big on counceling but I know it's helped a lot of marriages. How long have you guys been married? Any children? Elaine

we dated on and off for about 8 years, been married for 2 years, with a 1 year old son. Right now i really don't have the time nor do i want to go to counceling, he's just lazy that's most of our fights, he wants to come home from work grab a beer and sit in the garage all night, and i just get so sick of it. i work to! and have a house and kid to take care of, he is still saying he wants to move out when he gets his company truck, i can't wait, they now pushed it back to Aug. 8th, so well see. Had it with him and his family, maybe this is the best for now, sick of the yo-yo life style that i have...

[HALEY]

Originally Posted by DianaB

Haley, something else you might want to think about is........your little boy takes a lot of your time and energy. Are you sitting aside some time for your husband as well. We like to think that they're grownups and that they understand that babies need a lot of care and our time, but husband's are more selfish than that. They like that time too. They like knowing that for a change they come before the baby does. In other words, they like to be babied too.

My husband was so green with envy when I got Reuger. We weren't getting along the best and he was so jealous of the attention that the dog was getting. It still annoys my husband when he's is paying attention to me and I pick Reuger up and put him on my lap. I've learned to ignore Reuger and make my husband feel special too. I think that the same can be said for men and babies. It's not that he doesn't love your son, it's just that your husband wants your undivided attention. Give it a try and see what happens.

I would give him attention if he would help me with the baby after work and not sit on his butt and watch tv or drink beer.. that might help... He's just lazy and he's getting worse... Like back in Feb. we got new doors for the house, and one of them are still in the box, but if one of his friends call and need something he is out the door in a heartbeat and i don't think its fair, im busting my ass off to make our home look nice and he does nothing to try and help me... i use all MY extra money (bonuses) on the house,, and he don't appreciate it.. i should of left him in his crappy apartment with the lifestyle he had running to the bars everyday spending his paychecks....

[teri88]

awww, Haley I'm so sorry you are going through this. Was your husband like this before you had the baby, or is this a new behavior? Maybe he is overwhelmed by the thought of fatherhood. Some men also can't see their wives as a sexual partner after watching them give birth.

I know you say you don't have the time or interest in counseling, but I encourage you to rethink that. You married this man only 2 years ago....you must have loved him then. For the sake of your son, you need to work very, very hard to save your marriage. If you can't go for counseling right now, let me suggest an exercise that I learned from a parenting class I took years ago.

EVERY day you need to write down 3 things you admire or love about your husband. You don't have to share it with anyone, just write it down. Then, whenever you have a negative thought about him, you immediately replace it in your mind with a positive one. With the way you are feeling right now, it won't be easy in the begining. But you will be surprised how quickly it will become second nature.

You can't change him, but you can change how YOU feel about what is going on. Marriages go in cycles, you are juggling a child, a home and a job. (and I know Michal has been sick lately too) Try to take some couples time. Hire a babysitter and get out of that house with him. If you can't afford a babysitter then find a friend willing to swap sitting time. You don't have to do anything expensive. Take a walk in a park. Go for an ice cream cone. Go sit inside the church you were married in. Just do it together and do it often......no kids allowed.

The library is full of books with suggestions on how to improve your relationship. Don't give up yet. It will be worth all of the effort I know it will!

[HALEY]

Thanks Terri, it started right after we got married and found out i was pregnant!
Then the family came into the picture and there just terrible pushy people that wanted to rule my life and family, and i put my foot down after a year of there abuse and them telling me how to raise my son.
Lately he's been helping with with things, but the last couple of months he's gone down hill again, it's a fight everytime i even ask him to take out the garbage or even cut the grass, i actually have to tell him to cut the grass, That sould not be my job... he could see the grass needs cut.. He use to wash my truck he don't even do that anymore, i'm stuck with everything, he invites his friends over and they sit outside all night and drink beer. It's overwhelming to me.. i have a job and house a baby and two dogs to take care of, plus i have to pick up after him.
He cooked himself dinner last night around 9 when we were sleeping and you should have seen the kitchen this morning, and i had to clean it up before work..
I didn't even eat dinner last night. its just not fair....

[teri88]

Sounds like he needs an intervention! It sucks to have "two children" I'm sure. Maybe you need to use some tough love. Leave his mess in the kitchen and let him clean it up when he gets home. Don't pick up after him. Let the garbage stay in the kitchen, just start a new bag. Maybe, just maybe he'll catch on. Sounds like he is looking at you as "mommy" and not just to Micah! I'm really sorry you are going through this. Some guys never do grow up unfortunately.

[teri88]

Haley, hon, please don't take this wrong....ummmm, how to say this without hurting your feelings? I just saw where you mentioned in another post that Micah sleeps with you. Now, I was famous for letting my kids come to bed with me when they were sick or scared or whatever. But, how can you expect a normal healthy relationship with your hubby if you have Micah in your bed? Children are a wonderful, fabulous blessing. But you can not allow your son to be first in your life, that position rightfully belongs to your husband. No wonder you are so exaughsted all of the time, neither you or Micah will get a good night's sleep while he's in your bed. I babysat for a woman who was always so tired and I felt so sorry for her. She kept telling me how Samantha was up 2 or 3 times a night at a year old. Then, one day she mentioned that Sam slept in the bed with them. I told her that Sam wasn't keeping her up, she was keeping Sam up. She finally bit the bullet and put her in her own room. It was really hard at first, both Sam and she cried themselves to sleep for a week. But finally Sam got used to being in her own room and the change in their lives was amazing.

I am not criticzing you, I'm really not. Sometimes it's hard to be objective when you are in the middle of a situation. I think your husband sounds very immature, but I can also see his problem. He is thinking acting like a baby will get your attention (he may not even realize he's thinking this) because it works for Micah. Stupid? Yup, but I'll bet that is a lot of what's going on with him.

I'd really encourage the two of you to get counseling. If you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for Micah because if you guys are happy, he will be too.

ok, enouch out of me! Sorry I'm on my soapbox.

[Tiramisu]

Originally Posted by teri88

Haley, hon, please don't take this wrong....ummmm, how to say this without hurting your feelings? I just saw where you mentioned in another post that Micah sleeps with you. Now, I was famous for letting my kids come to bed with me when they were sick or scared or whatever. But, how can you expect a normal healthy relationship with your hubby if you have Micah in your bed? Children are a wonderful, fabulous blessing. But you can not allow your son to be first in your life, that position rightfully belongs to your husband. No wonder you are so exaughsted all of the time, neither you or Micah will get a good night's sleep while he's in your bed. I babysat for a woman who was always so tired and I felt so sorry for her. She kept telling me how Samantha was up 2 or 3 times a night at a year old. Then, one day she mentioned that Sam slept in the bed with them. I told her that Sam wasn't keeping her up, she was keeping Sam up. She finally bit the bullet and put her in her own room. It was really hard at first, both Sam and she cried themselves to sleep for a week. But finally Sam got used to being in her own room and the change in their lives was amazing.

I am not criticzing you, I'm really not. Sometimes it's hard to be objective when you are in the middle of a situation. I think your husband sounds very immature, but I can also see his problem. He is thinking acting like a baby will get your attention (he may not even realize he's thinking this) because it works for Micah. Stupid? Yup, but I'll bet that is a lot of what's going on with him.

I'd really encourage the two of you to get counseling. If you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for Micah because if you guys are happy, he will be too.

ok, enouch out of me! Sorry I'm on my soapbox.

Teri, it's a really good soap box to be on. You're always so helpful and compassionate.