I'm a little nervous....

[judy]

My daughter and SIL had a lot of errands to run yesterday. I had spoken with Jessie the day before and told her I had a hair appointment at 12:30, so I wasn't sure I could help out. The children had 1/2 day of school.

Steve called me in the morning sounding anxious about having all of these things to do - could I watch the kids? I told him I would if I got out of the hair salon early enough. Then Jessie called me and told me to forget it because they were taking the kids with them.

Of course, they didn't finish their errands. Jessie came home with the kids and Steve went to get her car snow tires and studs.

She told Steve that he was wrong to have asked me and to be upset because I couldn't do it. She told him that since we have a history of not agreeing that I should drop whatever I'm doing to babysit, she would prefer to only ask that if it's an emergency. His answer was that it was for the kids though, to which Jessie replied that the kids are theirs and they have to take care of them. She also told him that of all appointments to ask me to change, my hair and nails were not a good idea. (I laughed at that).

The reality is that I know he was upset and that makes me nervous. I love him so much, but his anger management skills are not great. I also do know how anxious he gets, and that for him, it is an emergency. I think that he has spent the last four years taking care of Jessie, the kids, the house, becoming sober, paying the bills, etc. I feel that it is time that he had some help. He feels that he has to take care of everything and everyone. That's just his way. He also will give without question if I ask him for something. People like that get very disappointed if you don't give back the same way.

So now, I feel bad that I didn't say okay, and I'm nervous about him being angry with me. I don't want anything to happen to our relationship. I also weighed it in my mind when he called and instinctively felt that "I'll try" was the better response than giving up my appointment. I can't set a precedent I will resent.

That's my story - I hope he can fit this into our really good relationship. I really really don't want to lose him in any way.

[Janet]

Maybe sometime you and him can have a little talk. Let him know how much you love and admire his accomplishments, but he must realize that you just won't always be able to drop what you're doing to be a babysitter.

I just think communication is the key here. I know you are thrilled with him and the relationship you have now, but the lack of communication and not knowing expectations can hurt what you all have rebuilt. You have such a great way with words Judy, I'm sure you will think of something.

[Gina]

Janet gave you excellent advice couldn't have said it any better myself.

Don't worry be honest Judy you will not lose his love or respect for you. Your a good mom.

[Nina]

Maybe once he thinks about it a little more, he will not hold anything against you, especially with it being the holiday.

I can share my experience, if it helps. I made the mistake of taking my grandchildren every weekend because I wanted to spend time with them. It started when my granddaughter was 3 weeks old. I took her so that my daughter could get some rest. Then, my grandson came along, and it was a little harder for me. It's not easy as you get older, and I'm not in the greatest of health. My daughter rarely asked me to babysit, but my son-in-law started getting the idea that he could just call me anytime, and I was supposed to drop everything. I was working full time then, and taking them on weekends was getting too much. I never had any time to rest, and I was getting exhausted.

When I started getting sicker, I just had a talk with him. I explained that although I LOVE spending time with my grandchildren, I just can't take them on weekends anymore, but that I would be willing to babysit in emergencies and I would take them on an occasional weekend when I was feeling good. He completely understood. We haven't had any problems at all, and I still take them once in awhile when I'm up to it. They just had a new baby in July, so taking care of 3 kids (ages 6, 4 and 4 months) isn't easy for my husband and me. We take the two older ones once in awhile, and it works out fine.

It's not that I don't love spending time with my grandkids. I'm absolutely crazy about them. But, I just can't do it all the time. Sometimes they have me come down for a weekend or for a day or so during the week, but I'm not babysitting. They do all the work, and I have all the fun.....just as it should be.

Don't feel guilty. I know that's easier said than done, but you can't. It took me awhile to be able not to feel guilty. Now I just enjoy them without the guilt.

[gja1000]

Given the history, I think you are right to be nervous. I do think though, that the recent history is in your favor. SIL has seen what a good person you are and that you will help out when you can. He may be upset now (but maybe not) but I think he will be OK.

[gja1000]

Nina,
I used to keep my granddaughter every weekend too. I loved seeing her, but like you, I work fulltime, so I never had a "day off". She's 12 now, and I guess it was last year when she started having her own activities on some weekends, so she stopped coming over EVERY weekend. Although I miss her, I am secretly relieved to have a weekend off sometimes. This year, she is even busier and I wish she would come over more often! My daughter now has a two year old, but my daughter stays home with her and she is very attached to "mom" so she's not ready to come stay with grandma just yet. I don't think I will keep her every weekend like I did the older one. I'm older now, and I just need a break now and then.

[Nina]

Originally Posted by gja1000

Nina,
I used to keep my granddaughter every weekend too. I loved seeing her, but like you, I work fulltime, so I never had a "day off". She's 12 now, and I guess it was last year when she started having her own activities on some weekends, so she stopped coming over EVERY weekend. Although I miss her, I am secretly relieved to have a weekend off sometimes. This year, she is even busier and I wish she would come over more often! My daughter now has a two year old, but my daughter stays home with her and she is very attached to "mom" so she's not ready to come stay with grandma just yet. I don't think I will keep her every weekend like I did the older one. I'm older now, and I just need a break now and then.

I totally understand that. I really enjoyed having mine over on the weekends. We had so much fun! I miss those times, but I also need the time to rest on the weekends, even though I'm not working now. It's nice when my husband and I can spend a quiet weekend at home or do something together. I don't regret it, I have a very close bond to my grandchildren because of it. It's just hard, and I enjoy the time we have now even more because I'm not as tired all the time.

I'm sure when mine get to be your granddaughter's age, they won't have as much time for grandma and grandpa. But, that's the way of life I guess.

[DianaB]

Judy, what I would do is apologize to your SIL. Let him know that you would have been glad to have helped out if it had been planned in advance but since you had an appointment that it just didn't work out that you could at that time. Let him know that you would've if you could've.

[judy]

That might be a good idea Diana. This way he would know that I respect his feelings and don't just brush them off, and put everything out in the open. I would certainly have cancelled if it was an emergency, and I think he should hear me say it. Jessie already told him all of this, but that's not the same as coming from me.

My oldest gd called at 10 - when am I coming over? I better get dressed and bounce on over there! She's 11 and is near the end of her wanting to hang out with Grandma, so I don't want to lose out on any of it.

[judy]

I took your advice Diana. As soon as I got to Jessie's, I told Steve I was sorry about not coming over. He said not to worry about it - it's over. I said, no - we should have discussed it and maybe cut out some of their chores (which is what they did anyway) so that I could have come over after my appointment because I knew he didn't want to take the children in the car. He didn't say much, but I put it out there. Jessie told me I didn't have to do that because, as far as he was concerned, it was over and done.

I'm glad I did though because I want him to know that I care about his feelings.
I also wanted him to know that we should discuss these things and maybe compromise.

[DianaB]

I'm glad that it worked out so well for you. Good job, Judy!!!

[judy]

Thanks Diana. He was just fine yesterday, so I did the right thing. I do wonder if showing up at 10:15 yesterday was payback though. I hope that's the end of the payback!

[Janet]

I think Diana always gives good advice. It's always thoughtful. Glad it worked for you Judy.