I need a friend

[blowry]

I know I don't post much here but I do come on and read from time to time.

I have posted about this before so won't go into all of it but, I could really use a friend.......
I am 50 yrs old (hubby just turned 46). This is my second marriage. We don't have any children (THANK GOD!) just 2 furbabies. We have been married for 8 yrs this past Nov. Everything was good in the beginning then all the crap started! I am pretty good at recognizing symptoms of mood disorders, anxiety, panic etc...in people because I have been there myself (not the mood disorder but, depression). My husband, who I love with all of my heart, was diagnosed bi-polar almost a year ago. My life has been a roller coaster of emotions. Never knowing what his mood is going to be, I am always walking on egg shells. The therapist he is seeing has put him on meds. I KNOW it's not going to be an over night cure but, it's taking longer than I thought. I am having a very hard time with this, living with a person diagnosed bi-polar is not easy. I don't know what to say or do most of the time. I don't know if what I am doing is helping or not. I cry alot and am alone alot. THANK GOD for my skin kids and furbabies! I just don't know what to do anymore. Anything I try doesn't seem to work.
Do any of you live with a bi-polar? I would really like to have someone I could talk to and ask questions...I really want to help my husband...I can't live like this for the rest of my life.
Please pm me if you wouldn't mind...maybe we cold help each other.

Brenda

[Marilyn]

I'm not in your situation, so cannot relate to what you are going through, but would still like to be your friend, and I'm sure there are many others on here who would also like to help. Hope you do find someone who can relate and offer suggestions. Hugs, Brenda!!

[blowry]

Originally Posted by Marilyn

I'm not in your situation, so cannot relate to what you are going through, but would still like to be your friend, and I'm sure there are many others on here who would also like to help. Hope you do find someone who can relate and offer suggestions. Hugs, Brenda!!

Thank you Marilyn. I just feel like I'm at the end of a cliff and trying not to fall off. Bi-polar is a horrible thing to live with. Especially for my husband. He also drinks WAY too much which doesn't help. He can go from sweetheart to bast*rd in the same sentence. I know when he is going to have an episode...nothing I can do or say can help. I don't know from one minute to the next what his mood is going to be. It has definately put a wedge between us. He has changed so much in the past few years that I feel like I'm married to a different person. My daughters are older (24 and 29 yrs) and they can see how this is effecting me and want to say something to him...That would only make it worse for me so...nobody says anything...Even though he's on meds, he doesn't think it's HIM....it's everyone else. He started working nights again, about 4 months ago, I HATE IT! but, with the way he treats/talks to me I feel this is better for both of us. I just kind of go on with my life and my skin/furkids. I am going to be a first time gramma in July...I focus on that alot! I have put this is Gods hands so many times he is probably sick of hearing from me...I love my husband so much and want him well...I just don't know what to do anymore.

Thank you for listening to me Marilyn

Brenda

[janc]

My 2nd husband would constantly chew me out when he got moody. It didn't start till we'd been married for 8 or 9 years. I'm not one for taking that (My 1st husband was gay and I didn't realize it. I was stuck because of having 3 young children and no job. When I got out of there (with the kids), got a job (teaching), and got settled back in LA I swore that I would never give up my job again because I wanted to be able to say goodbye if I ever got in another bad situation. Back to 2nd husband- he has many good qualities. One of those is that he listens to me. He started up again with the anger about 4 years ago. I turned around and told him he could call our Dr. and get on an antidepressant or I was out of there. ( I had retired in 01 but still had a license to teach in NV and would have had no trouble getting a job out there.) That morning he called and picked up the prescription that day. It took a few days to work but he is like a different person. He says he wishes he had taken it when he was young. Life is too short to be miserable. The first 8 years we were married he was chewing out the secretary instead of me. Some women just take the grief and that's their choice . I am lucky in that my husband puts me first and I am very spoiled. Also, I adore him (most of the time) and am happy with my life.
Do you think counseling would help you? Sometimes you have to try a few to find the right one for you. I'm praying for you and hope that things work out for you. You seem like a very nice person.

[goofywife]

My heart goes out to you.

I don't have anyone in my family that has that, but we had an employee diagnosed a few years ago. It is a terrible diease. She went off the deep end and started calling customers in the middle of the night, as well as was completely unreasonable during the day. I can't imagine having to deal with this at home. I think its going to be important for you not to lose who you are in all of this. I wish I lived closer we could go out for a cup of coffee.

[Janet]

Have you talked with his Dr to make sure he's on the right medication for him. It must be so awful feeling the way you described. I don't know of anyone to help you, but have you googled for bi-polar support groups?

I do hope you can find help through all you're going through, but until then, you can still vent with us and share your feelings.

[Marilyn]

Originally Posted by blowry

... I have put this is Gods hands so many times he is probably sick of hearing from me...I love my husband so much and want him well...I just don't know what to do anymore.....

Never give up on prayer. God never gets tired of hearing from us. We are to pray without ceasing. That does not mean ALL the time, it means don't give up, don't quit going to God in prayer. He wants us to put our burdens on Him. and He does things on His time, not ours, so we must be patient.

Living with anyone can be work at times, I cannot imagine living in your situation. You have a heavy burden to bear. Do find a support group if you can and hopefully he will get on the right meds and stop the drinking.

[judy]

Bi-polar disorder is difficult to treat, but with the right doctor, the right meds can work. I don't know how involved you are in his treatment, but since you are so in love with him, you might want to jump right in there and be very pro-active, getting in touch with his doctor, perhaps finding another doctor, working with him on the meds, etc.

He, of course, has to stop drinking, so perhaps marriage counselling could help with someone else as a mediator. It takes time and patience to find the right meds, so
counselling might help you both get through it more easily.

Good luck with this, and we're all here to support you!

[DianaB]

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this, Brenda. My Dad had mental problems too. He was paranoid schizephrenic and was probably bi-polar too. I was just looking at the Reader's digest a few days ago and I noticed an ad for the medicine he was on and it was to treat bi-polar. After my Mom and Dad divorced it was up to me to keep an eye on my Dad and I did have to deal with a lot of problems. I think that a lot of it is just getting them on the right meds. Dad was on Abilify and it helped him TREMENDOUSLY!!!! (I didn't realize that Abilify was to treat bi-polar. I thought that it was for his schizephrenia.) He was like a different person and I had a lot of comments from others on how much better he was. It WAS a fight to get him on the meds though and KEEPING him on the meds! I'll be glad to chat with you. I don't know if I can be of any help but I'll do my best. Mental illness is so hard because you can't reason with a mind that just doesn't think clearly.

[blowry]

Originally Posted by janc

My 2nd husband would constantly chew me out when he got moody. It didn't start till we'd been married for 8 or 9 years. I'm not one for taking that (My 1st husband was gay and I didn't realize it. I was stuck because of having 3 young children and no job. When I got out of there (with the kids), got a job (teaching), and got settled back in LA I swore that I would never give up my job again because I wanted to be able to say goodbye if I ever got in another bad situation. Back to 2nd husband- he has many good qualities. One of those is that he listens to me. He started up again with the anger about 4 years ago. I turned around and told him he could call our Dr. and get on an antidepressant or I was out of there. ( I had retired in 01 but still had a license to teach in NV and would have had no trouble getting a job out there.) That morning he called and picked up the prescription that day. It took a few days to work but he is like a different person. He says he wishes he had taken it when he was young. Life is too short to be miserable. The first 8 years we were married he was chewing out the secretary instead of me. Some women just take the grief and that's their choice . I am lucky in that my husband puts me first and I am very spoiled. Also, I adore him (most of the time) and am happy with my life.
Do you think counseling would help you? Sometimes you have to try a few to find the right one for you. I'm praying for you and hope that things work out for you. You seem like a very nice person.

I have seen hubby's counselor once on my own and once with him. Of course I was limited as to what I could say when he was with me but, when I went on my own I couldn't stop talking...I have so much stress right now and kept jumping from one issue to the next...never really finishing any of them. I also work in a counseling center so, I have therapist, literally, at the tips of my fingers all day long which has helped alot...Thank you so much...I like to think I am a nice person

[blowry]

Originally Posted by Janet

Have you talked with his Dr to make sure he's on the right medication for him. It must be so awful feeling the way you described. I don't know of anyone to help you, but have you googled for bi-polar support groups?

I do hope you can find help through all you're going through, but until then, you can still vent with us and share your feelings.

Thank you Janet...You have to be one of the sweetest people.
I have spoken with his med prescriber several times. hubby has been on med for almost a year now but, she has to keep adjusting them so I'm really not seeing much improvement...I do see some so, that's a good thing. I know this is going to take time but in the meantime it is tearing my heart out. As I've said in another post, I work in a counseling center and get ALOT of support from my co-workers. I have started seeing his therapist...only saw her once but, have another appt on the 31st of this month. I also joined a forum called "find the light" it has good info on it but it is mainly for people with mood disorders, bi-polar, depression...any and every disorder you can think of. I have pm'd a few people on the site but, I need somone that is in my situation. Hubby has had alot happen to him in his life. His bio dad just came into his life a 1 1/2 yrs ago. Hubby didn't even think he was alive! He left before hubby was born and hub only saw him once when he was about 2 yrs old. Next time he saw his father hub was 44. He is having alot of issues with this...alot has happened...It is a love/hate relationship. His father also is bi-polar with a mood disorder and when he come here it's horrible for me..I don't know what to do with myself. His fater is very confrontational and so is hub so when they get started I want to pull my hair out by the roots! After a while I just can't take it anymore and end up telling them to STOP IT! THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!I almost wish his father had never come into our lives...Is that a horrible thing to say?
There is SOOOOO much more, but, my fingers would go numb from typing and I don't want to bore people...I just thank GOD that I have this place to come to to vent...even though I'm not here often. I love you all on here...

Thanks for letting me vent.....once again

Hugs to all of you and thank you for the prayers
Brenda

[blowry]

Originally Posted by judy

Bi-polar disorder is difficult to treat, but with the right doctor, the right meds can work. I don't know how involved you are in his treatment, but since you are so in love with him, you might want to jump right in there and be very pro-active, getting in touch with his doctor, perhaps finding another doctor, working with him on the meds, etc.

He, of course, has to stop drinking, so perhaps marriage counselling could help with someone else as a mediator. It takes time and patience to find the right meds, so
counselling might help you both get through it more easily.

Good luck with this, and we're all here to support you!

Thank you Judy!

Bi-polar is a horrible thing to have to deal with. I am very involved with his treatment. Matter of fact I am seeing his therapist also...I want to know HOW to deal with this...maybe I am doing something wrong?! I don't know...I try so hard to make things right for him.
You are right...he does need to stop his drinking...he gets very abusive when he is drinking (verbally/emotionally) and...he realizes the next day how much he has hurt me and apologizes for days after! That's when he says he is going to do something about it (his drinking) because he loves me so much that he doesn't want to keep hurting me......until the next time he does it. I have actually told him that he has a drinking problem...he just doesn't see it and thinks because he gets drunk at home that makes it ok....because he isn't OUT and getting drunk. I know he loves me with all of his heart as I love him with all of mine...but mine is breaking right now...just not knowing what to do anymore..Thank you for your good thoughts and kind words and support Judy

Hugs,
Brenda

[blowry]

Originally Posted by DianaB

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this, Brenda. My Dad had mental problems too. He was paranoid schizephrenic and was probably bi-polar too. I was just looking at the Reader's digest a few days ago and I noticed an ad for the medicine he was on and it was to treat bi-polar. After my Mom and Dad divorced it was up to me to keep an eye on my Dad and I did have to deal with a lot of problems. I think that a lot of it is just getting them on the right meds. Dad was on Abilify and it helped him TREMENDOUSLY!!!! (I didn't realize that Abilify was to treat bi-polar. I thought that it was for his schizephrenia.) He was like a different person and I had a lot of comments from others on how much better he was. It WAS a fight to get him on the meds though and KEEPING him on the meds! I'll be glad to chat with you. I don't know if I can be of any help but I'll do my best. Mental illness is so hard because you can't reason with a mind that just doesn't think clearly.

Thank you DianaB! hubby is bi-polar with a mood disorder. He has been taking Lexapro and Lamictal which is a very good mood stabilizer however, his therapist is only increasing his meds at 25mgs every 2 weeks! This isn't working!!! I have told her and so hasn't hub! but, she will not up him anymore than that...she doesn't want to give him to much at one time incase he has a reaction to it..this way, she said, when he hits a "good place" then she will stop there...in the meantime I want to chock him! I work in a counseling center and, have spoken with our med prescriber, she told me that Lamictal is one of the best mood stabilizers...Hubby is over 200lbs and 6 feet so he isn't a small man...he could certainly take more than 125 mgs of the Lamictal. I guess I just want him the way he use to be quicker than it's happening..

Thank you for input DianaB I am sorry that you have to go through this also...I'm just glad to know that I am not alone

Brenda

[blowry]

Originally Posted by Marilyn

Never give up on prayer. God never gets tired of hearing from us. We are to pray without ceasing. That does not mean ALL the time, it means don't give up, don't quit going to God in prayer. He wants us to put our burdens on Him. and He does things on His time, not ours, so we must be patient.

Living with anyone can be work at times, I cannot imagine living in your situation. You have a heavy burden to bear. Do find a support group if you can and hopefully he will get on the right meds and stop the drinking.

I don't know what I would do without God in my life. I pray to him all the time to give me the strength to help Hubby through this as well as giving me the strength to cope with it...Living with a bi-polar isn't easy.

Thank you Marilyn for your concern

[blowry]

Originally Posted by goofywife

My heart goes out to you.

I don't have anyone in my family that has that, but we had an employee diagnosed a few years ago. It is a terrible diease. She went off the deep end and started calling customers in the middle of the night, as well as was completely unreasonable during the day. I can't imagine having to deal with this at home. I think its going to be important for you not to lose who you are in all of this. I wish I lived closer we could go out for a cup of coffee.

It's not an easy thing to deal with.
Hubby works night which, in the beginning, I wasn't crazy about. Now I look forward to him going to work! I don't look at that as a bad or hateful thing I look at it as my time to get my thoughts together. Living with a bi-polar isn't fun or easy...the mood swings are incredible! one minute he's fine the next biting my head off for not changing the toilet paper...stupid stuff irritates him...so I just block him out most of the time. He does turn everything around to make it seem that it is ME....not HIM....I've just learned to live with it and not pay much attention. I want him well, we used to have such fun together...doing EVERYTHING together..now we hardly ever see each other, one, he is working most of the time and when he isn't working he is either sleeping or watching tv. I feel very lonely sometimes...Thank GOD for my furgirls
I wished you lived closer too goofy...a cup of coffee and a shoulder would be nice to have at times.

Thank you for responding...it means alot to me to have such support from people that don't even know me

Hugs,
Brenda