The second meeting

[Lindsey]

Well I went to Scott's parents' house this weekend with a positive attitude, hoping for his mom to like me a little more. I was super polite and courteous and I really really tried!
The first night was okay. The only problem was we were going to play cards and Scott was getting us drinks so he told me "Go sit down anywhere" so I went and sat and his dad was like "Oh not that chair!" and then his mom walked in and yelled "Get out of my chair!!!" and then they said that there are two chairs that are off limits because they are hers and his. We played cards and went to bed.
On Saturday they weren't around for most of the day (kind of awkward considering two of their kids were at home, one just flew in... my parents make a big deal to be WITH us when we're home). We went out on Saturday night with friends instead of going to a church play his mom wanted us to go to. But Scott said not to worry, she wouldn't be too upset about it. She kept pushing that we had to go to church with them Sunday morning. I said sure, anything to make her happy.
On Sunday morning we woke up and I got showered and put on dressy clothes and made myself look pretty. I was sitting on the couch waiting for everyone to be ready, and thinking I looked pretty cute. His mom walked out and immediately said she hated my purse because it's "puke green" and then she laughed and turned away. That was totally inappropriate! I told Scott later and he apologized and said she just speaks her mind. We were supposed to find a place in church for all of us to sit, so Scott and I sat down and then she came up later after the pew had filled up with other people and got mad at Scott for not letting her sit with us.
We went home and ate brunch and they offered me more food and I said thanks but I was really full and his dad said "She doesn't like your cooking" and his mom said "Fine, she's never getting any food sent home from me then" and I said "No it's really good!" and she was like "If you don't like it, too bad" or something like just completely ignoring what I said.
Scott was looking around the yard to see if I could bring Layla next time or if she'd get out. His mom asked if it's an inside dog and I said yes, and she asked if she goes to the bathroom outside and I said half the time, but she's also pee-pad trained while I"m at work and she FREAKED and said that's so disgusting why would anyone do that etc... she told me to just start kicking "it" outside and "it'll" learn fast enough. I said I don't have a fenced yard so I'd have to put her on a leash every time and she said "Well you can just leave a leash on it" ... I am never taking my dog there.
She also insulted my small town upbringing by saying she would never raise a kid in a small town because they don't get a good education. I kept my mouth shut.
FINALLY we could leave. I got my luggage from downstairs and we were just saying goodbye when his mom said "Oh that's the kind of luggage you need on a trip!" (it's a tiny suitcase that is lime green and black) and I agreed because it's a nice carry-on size but then she realized I wasn't asking why so she said "It's that ugly green so nobody at the airport would try to steal it" and she laughed and I was flustered and didn't know what to say so Scott immediately was like "What's with your ugly green comments all the time?" and she said "Well I guess it doesn't matter what color it is. It could be pink for all I care. Obviously she likes green so I guess if I buy her a present it will be a green present" ... I thanked her for letting me stay for the weekend and we said goodbye and we left.
I couldn't help crying when we got in the car. Scott asked if it's going to be a deal breaker. I told him I have to decide if I like him enough to keep putting myself in the situation where I'm going to feel judged and put down constantly for doing nothing more than dating her son. He said he understands. I told him I can't handle visiting his parents very often and he understood that too. He doesn't even like visiting. I told him I should have told his mom that the dress she wore to church looked like a tablecloth and he laughed and said "Go for it. She won't know how to take it if she's hearing the same things she's saying" and I told him I probably wouldn't go that far but he said if I did he would back me up.
He wants this to work no matter how his mom acts. He hates it. So I guess we'll see how it goes. It just really hurts me to have someone hate me so much when I've done NOTHING wrong.

[DianaB]

Wow, and I thought that my MIL was bad before we got married!!! This woman takes the cake. She is just RUDE. Personally, I wouldn't go back. If Scott wants to visit his Mom then maybe he needs to just go by himself. If she wants to know why you aren't there then he can explain it to her.

It sounds like you did a good job of keeping your cool with her and was nice to her in spite of her being rude. You don't have to subject yourself to that.

Or maybe you need to have a talk with her and explain that either you can fight over your time with Scott and make him choose between the two of you OR you can both get along and everyone enjoy being together with Scott. I wish you a LOT of good luck with this one!!!!

[Lindsey]

Thanks Diana. I was AMAZED at how she would just come out and say those things! Scott had said before he thought our families would get along well but after this weekend I was like "Nope, definitely not." Our dads would get along great, but if his mom said anything like that to my mom, my mom would have none of it. And my mom is great! But she won't take that from anyone.
I told Scott I can't visit every time he does because there's only so much of that I can handle. I think I'm a pretty strong person but I couldn't help crying as soon as I got in his car. I cried for about half of our drive.
He said his sisters went through the same things. They are both married but their mom HATED when they were dating. His pregnant sister and her husband live in the same city but never visit. They came over for brunch, and later Scott said "Did you notice he barely said a word? He's always like that around my parents. Same with my other sister's husband" He said they never even go there unless there's a reason, and they usually leave quickly.
Scott said it wouldn't even bother him to not visit his mom anymore. I couldn't imagine feeling that way about my family.

[DianaB]

Maybe Scott needs to tell his Mom that if she continues to treat you rudely then he'll have no choice but to limit his time with her. She needs to know that the way she treats you hurts his relationship with her.

[Janet]

As Dr. Phil says.."you teach people how to treat you." I'm sorry, but in a very nice way...I would have to put her in her place. When she would say something so rude...I would have to ask her why she would say such a rude thing. I would have to keep putting it back on her to explain...all the while being as nice as I could. In reality I would want to kick her freak'n butt, but hey...that's not the correct way to handle things.

[Blueyes]

Ok..my first question: WHAT was so important that they left you all day after you had made a special trip just to see them????

[Tiramisu]

That's how my husband's mother (I try not to call her MY MIL) treated me. My first visit to their house was on Easter Sunday, a beautiful day outside. We went for early morning "sunrise" services, went back to their house, had breakfast, and the sitting around started. I finally said, "It's such a beautiful day. Let's go for a walk." "NO, this is a religious day, we do nothing!" So, I sat there and dozed. Thing is that that's not the way they are, she was just pulling her weight that day and many others.

Stand up to her "flat footed" and respectfully put her in her place now! Last year, I asked that my husband's mother never come to my house again. When Hurricane Ike was coming in, he wanted to go bring her over and I offered that he could go stay with her or take her somewhere else. He chose me!

[pope1982]

I feel for you honey. I went through much of the same emotions/situations and we are married after 10 years of dating, so it can work.

But, and this is a big but... most of the time unless both partners are willing to say "to hell with them" and distance themselves when there are poisonous factors stressing a relationship, it will come to an end. It has to be a joint goal/decision.

I would get so upset and my poor husband was stuck in the middle, torn between an unwell mother and myself. I still feel horrible about all he has been through. Unfortunately, I have become numb mostly to it now and the distance is the only way our family has a chance at working. I think Scott knows this, this is why he lives some what of a distance from her. Seems he is phasing her out the best he knows how because no matter how horrible the woman is, he doesn't want to hurt her. And he doesn't want to hurt you.

Dish it back out to her, and show what you will go through to be with her son if you really like him, that will really piss her off because she is trying like hell to chase you off. As sick as it sounds, I bet she is getting off upsetting you

Here is your answer if you were wondering what took him so long to introduce you. Although it's easier said than done, and had I been able to jump in a time machine and hear myself giving the advice of "don't let it get to you" even 5 years ago, I wouldn't believe it was coming from me! Hang in there if it's worth it, he's going to need time to recover from the years of mental abuse she's put him through by disrespectfully degrading people he cares about and isolating him in such a manner, as well as whatever he isn't telling you. (as a man you can bet it's probably worse than what you're dealing with because they aren't big on sharing especially so soon)

My last bit of advice, would be to speak to other NORMAL members of his family who love him, even if they don't speak up and allow her to bully the family, they've got to be tired of it.
Find out their take and take from their advice what you need. If nothing else, they will help you to see you are not crazy (because after a while, you will start to question that) and tell you not to take it personally.

Hang in there, give that bitch a run for her money.

[pope1982]

Originally Posted by Lindsey

Scott said it wouldn't even bother him to not visit his mom anymore. I couldn't imagine feeling that way about my family.

She is setting herself up for failure. You cannot imagine what he must have gone through... and sadly, in her trying to get him to "pick her" over you, it is going to back fire.

She eats it up when he is silent as she throws digs at you. As long as he keeps defending you, which he must care for you if she eventually pissed him off that much... she will probably get a lot more crazy and desperate before all is said and done though, just a warning.

[Lindsey]

Originally Posted by Blueyes

Ok..my first question: WHAT was so important that they left you all day after you had made a special trip just to see them????

Work stuff and church stuff... One day his mom nonchalantly asked his sister when she was flying out and she told her whatever time and she said "Oh I wonder if one of us will be around, you might need to find someone else to drive you to the airport"
The whole church thing was very driven into their brains when they were growing up, and now none of the kids go to church. I felt like we were sort of guilted into going. His sister said no, she just got there from a flight the day before and wanted to sleep in. Their mom was angry about that and told her she should be going anyway.
I know that growing up, she would punish Scott for anything having to do with girls. All little kids are curious and do things they shouldn't be doing and it's up to the parents to teach them right from wrong, but it's going a little far to punish them and make them scared of even talking to girls. When little kids have crushes, it's cute. But to his mom it was WRONG. He was always terrified of dating and still has trouble making first moves to hold my hand or anything simple like that. He says it's because he still has this idea in his head that it's bad and it's wrong because it's what he's always been taught. His mom believes he shouldn't be touching a girl until he's married.
I did tell Scott that if things continue this way, it may be a deal breaker because I respect myself too much to keep putting myself in that situation. After thinking about it all day he said he can't stand to think of not holding me anymore and he can't get it out of his mind. He is going to ask his mom what she thinks of me and see where it goes from there. I told him just to let her know that when she says things it hurts me and she should think about things before she says them. He agreed, but she is going to be very angry

[judy]

Weren't you there a couple of weeks ago? Your own family sounds wonderful, and fun to visit, but the truth is that once you and Scott became a couple, you really should be creating your own family life. Visiting Mommy Dearest should occur only when it can't be avoided.

Distance is a wonderful thing when it comes to disagreeable family. It does sound like the two sons-in-law have figured out how to deal with her.
Don't go too often and keep quiet. Or don't keep quiet. I doubt if it would make any difference. She really sounds like there is something very wrong with her.

It sounds like Scott really has good intentions. He is on your side, and does not defend his mother at all. He probably is very frightened of making her angry. I would imagine that is why he doesn't stand up to her when you are there. She is quite abusive, and he may not be able to speak up for you for a long time.

Stay away from her Lindsey. She really is not normal. She won't be changing.

[Lindsey]

They came here a few weeks ago for an afternoon, just because they were going to a concert here. Otherwise they've never visited him here.
I just talked to my parents about it and they were like "Did you tell her she's an angry old hag?" lol. My dad couldn't believe it. He said "When Scott comes here we treat him just like family!" and that's how I've always been treated with the families of my exes too... everyone welcomed me with open arms.
But I don't even think it will matter if she does change now. The damage is done. She can't just undo that first impression. I'm not going to forget it.

[gja1000]

Lindsay, I just don't know what to say. I can't imagine saying anything like that to anyone at anytime - so I am dumbfounded. I don't any any advice and I'm very sorry that you are having to deal with this. I agree with whomever said that she is a sick woman.

[Lindsey]

Well he talked to his sisters about me tonight. They said I seemed nice. He said I had a problem with their mom and that I don't want to visit anymore and they basically said I need to just get over it. They said it's just a purse, it's just a dog, who cares. I care because it's insulting!!!
It's kind of affecting my view of Scott now too. A month ago I was sure this was the guy I was going to marry someday. Now I can't get over the feeling that his family will never accept me, and it's not even the kind of family I want to be a part of anyway. I don't want my future children to have that as a grandmother.

[gja1000]

Lindsay, my gut feeling, even though I don't have any good advice and I don't have any experience with this kind of thing is to RUN - RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!!

Given a choice, I would not want to ever be a part of that family nor would I want my children to be part of that family - ever. I don't like the answers that his sisters gave, at all! It sounds to me, that they could be as callous and uncaring as his mom.

Unless you all can move far far away, I would be very hesitant to subject myself to that treatment, even for a visit.

Of course, that is easy for me to say. And there have been others who say they had a similar experience with a mother-in-law and it did get better. So, I'm just giving you my gut feeling, not really any advice at all.