favoritism

I have a subject that has touched home.... Grandparents favoring one (or more) grandchildren over others.... This has happened in our family & I always held my tongue. I fiqured that if I did say something then any change in the GP's behavoir would be phony & that would be worse.When my kids were young (under10) I would make up excuses for the obvious difference in treatment. When they got older I stopped lying because my kids didn't buy the excuses anymore, & I felt foolish doing it. Now that their adults there is no relationship between them & I find it sad that my kids grew up w/ no GP in their lives even though they were very much alive .... Has this happened to anyone here & how did you handle it?

[Kimberley]

My daughter is from my first marriage. My current in-laws loved her dearly...until I had their grandson. It was a difference between night and day. They were horrible to her. Taking things away from her to give them to my son. I finally put my foot down that if they didn't stop treating her that way...("What way?") she wouldn't be coming to their house anymore. Well, that was a couple of years ago. She MAY go to their house about 5 times a year now and only if I'm there. They are such assholes to her.

Now, my mom prefers my daughter over my son. She says that he gets all of the attention in the world from the in-laws so she's trying to make up for it by favoring her. Don't get me wrong, she loves my son but she and my daughter have a VERY special love and connection.

Now that I have a granddaughter, she's ten & a grandson he's 8 ,I kinda of know why she had her favorites, because I can honestly say that I don't care how many GK come , This GD will ALWAYS be my special one. She's my little bug. The thing that angered me was when the favortism was so "in your face". If your going to give a bigger gift don't do it in front of the others, do it when we aren't there. Even the tone of her voice was very different when she spoke to them. Like you said it was like night & day . I try to watch that around my GS .

[Mandy]

My son is the only grandchild my parents have, so i have never had the experience, but it must be aweful for any mom to watch her kids being left out!!

[Necee419]

Well, from another angle, I am my grandmother's favorite granddaughter. I am the oldest granddaughter and the daughter of my grandmother's only daughter. I have always heard that grandmothers in particular are closer to their daughter's children than their son's kids. This is because their sons children belong to "another woman" while your daughter's children are like an extension of you. Anyway, my grandmother has always favored my brother and I and I think my uncles have been bothered by it. Their daughters were not around my grandma like I was. I have always lived close to her and they were always far away. She is legally blind and I would take her everywhere. I talk to her everyday and they NEVER call her. So how can they expect to be loved the same? My grandmother plays the lotto every day for my husband and I. She says she is going to buy a house for us and practically give us all the prize money. I can just imagine the scandal that would cause in my family.

[hle_625]

This is a very touchy subject for me bc Im going through it right now but in a different way then you are explaining. (this could be long)

Ive been with my hubby for a total of 5 1/2 years and weve been married for a little over a year. Well last year around christmas time, my brother in law met this girl...my bil is 23 and she was 19 at the time. Well she had a little girl already that was 1 at the time but she is now 2. Well Amber (my bil's girlfriend) ended up getting pregnant just shortly after they started dating. Well me and my hubby dont have children yet (we are only 21) so this will be the first grandbaby on my husbands side of the family. Well I have noticed a HUGE change in my mother in law since she found out that she was going to be a grandma for the first time.

Let me go back to when Amber found out that she was first pregnant. They were at MY house and she told me that her and Kevin were goign to have a baby, and how she is soooo excited bc this will be the first grandbaby for his side of the family, and the first grandbaby is the most important That really hurt my feelings bc here I've been with my hubby for this long and been a part of his family for this long and now this girl just steps in! Needless to say its been a LONG seven months (shes due in November) All I hear about is the baby this and the baby that. And everyone is buying all of this stuff for her bc she quit her job when she found out she was pregnant bc she wants to be a stay at home mom. And now my inlaws are constantly asking me and my hubby when we are going to give them a grandbaby! Its so frustrating....we are so young and have a very long time to think about babies!

Also last Sunday we were at my inlaws house and my mother in law bought them a stroller/carseat combo and they were putting it together. Well my mother in law told my brother in law that when they were done using it for their baby, to make sure to keep it so that I could have when I have a baby someday!!! I almost cried bc here she is spending 100's of dollars on the "first" grandbaby and she is already talking about giving me nothing but hand me downs. Dont get me wrong I dont think there is anything wrong with hand me downs I just think its unfair for her to be treating me like this when I dont even have kids yet.

Ok and one more thing....(sorry its so long I told you this was a touchy subject for me) When me and Adam got married his family did not give me one bridal shower or a bachelorette party or anything of that sort. And now they are giving Amber this really nice baby shower next weekend. My feelings are so hurt over this and I'm not going to the baby shower bc of this reason! I have cried and cried over this whole situation. Will you guys tell me if I am being selfish about all of this. Im really hurt about it all

[Necee419]

Originally Posted by hle_625

This is a very touchy subject for me bc Im going through it right now but in a different way then you are explaining. (this could be long)

Ive been with my hubby for a total of 5 1/2 years and weve been married for a little over a year. Well last year around christmas time, my brother in law met this girl...my bil is 23 and she was 19 at the time. Well she had a little girl already that was 1 at the time but she is now 2. Well Amber (my bil's girlfriend) ended up getting pregnant just shortly after they started dating. Well me and my hubby dont have children yet (we are only 21) so this will be the first grandbaby on my husbands side of the family. Well I have noticed a HUGE change in my mother in law since she found out that she was going to be a grandma for the first time.

Let me go back to when Amber found out that she was first pregnant. They were at MY house and she told me that her and Kevin were goign to have a baby, and how she is soooo excited bc this will be the first grandbaby for his side of the family, and the first grandbaby is the most important That really hurt my feelings bc here I've been with my hubby for this long and been a part of his family for this long and now this girl just steps in! Needless to say its been a LONG seven months (shes due in November) All I hear about is the baby this and the baby that. And everyone is buying all of this stuff for her bc she quit her job when she found out she was pregnant bc she wants to be a stay at home mom. And now my inlaws are constantly asking me and my hubby when we are going to give them a grandbaby! Its so frustrating....we are so young and have a very long time to think about babies!

Also last Sunday we were at my inlaws house and my mother in law bought them a stroller/carseat combo and they were putting it together. Well my mother in law told my brother in law that when they were done using it for their baby, to make sure to keep it so that I could have when I have a baby someday!!! I almost cried bc here she is spending 100's of dollars on the "first" grandbaby and she is already talking about giving me nothing but hand me downs. Dont get me wrong I dont think there is anything wrong with hand me downs I just think its unfair for her to be treating me like this when I dont even have kids yet.

Ok and one more thing....(sorry its so long I told you this was a touchy subject for me) When me and Adam got married his family did not give me one bridal shower or a bachelorette party or anything of that sort. And now they are giving Amber this really nice baby shower next weekend. My feelings are so hurt over this and I'm not going to the baby shower bc of this reason! I have cried and cried over this whole situation. Will you guys tell me if I am being selfish about all of this. Im really hurt about it all

You have absolutely every right to feel slighted. They are treating you like the stepchild right now and that must be very hurtful. But, even though you feel upset I think it would be a mistake not to go to the baby shower. IMO this would make you look petty, jealous, envious and not a part of the family. Granted I would NOT want to go either but this is your husband's family and you will be around them so why do something to make things even more uncomfortable and awkward for you. Babies are a HUGE deal, and my mom is always asking when hubby and I are giving her a grandbaby so I totally understand why your inlaws are excited. However, they should be a bit more sensitive to your feelings. I am sorry you are so upset and I hope things ease up for you. Hugs

[Janet]

I just get so upset when I hear of favortism among children. Bless their hearts, it stays with them for life and it just breaks my heart. This should never be allowed to happen in families, sports, school, anywhere. They are all special and we as adults need to make sure they feel that way...I know, with some it takes a little extra effort, but they are going to be leading us one day and we'd better do something about it now.

[Mandy]

Originally Posted by hle_625

This is a very touchy subject for me bc Im going through it right now but in a different way then you are explaining. (this could be long)

Ive been with my hubby for a total of 5 1/2 years and weve been married for a little over a year. Well last year around christmas time, my brother in law met this girl...my bil is 23 and she was 19 at the time. Well she had a little girl already that was 1 at the time but she is now 2. Well Amber (my bil's girlfriend) ended up getting pregnant just shortly after they started dating. Well me and my hubby dont have children yet (we are only 21) so this will be the first grandbaby on my husbands side of the family. Well I have noticed a HUGE change in my mother in law since she found out that she was going to be a grandma for the first time.

Let me go back to when Amber found out that she was first pregnant. They were at MY house and she told me that her and Kevin were goign to have a baby, and how she is soooo excited bc this will be the first grandbaby for his side of the family, and the first grandbaby is the most important That really hurt my feelings bc here I've been with my hubby for this long and been a part of his family for this long and now this girl just steps in! Needless to say its been a LONG seven months (shes due in November) All I hear about is the baby this and the baby that. And everyone is buying all of this stuff for her bc she quit her job when she found out she was pregnant bc she wants to be a stay at home mom. And now my inlaws are constantly asking me and my hubby when we are going to give them a grandbaby! Its so frustrating....we are so young and have a very long time to think about babies!

Also last Sunday we were at my inlaws house and my mother in law bought them a stroller/carseat combo and they were putting it together. Well my mother in law told my brother in law that when they were done using it for their baby, to make sure to keep it so that I could have when I have a baby someday!!! I almost cried bc here she is spending 100's of dollars on the "first" grandbaby and she is already talking about giving me nothing but hand me downs. Dont get me wrong I dont think there is anything wrong with hand me downs I just think its unfair for her to be treating me like this when I dont even have kids yet.

Ok and one more thing....(sorry its so long I told you this was a touchy subject for me) When me and Adam got married his family did not give me one bridal shower or a bachelorette party or anything of that sort. And now they are giving Amber this really nice baby shower next weekend. My feelings are so hurt over this and I'm not going to the baby shower bc of this reason! I have cried and cried over this whole situation. Will you guys tell me if I am being selfish about all of this. Im really hurt about it all

I'm sorry you are hurting, i totally understand you!! BUT, do YOURSELF a favour girl, and do go to that baby shower, as aweful as you feel about this all, if you don't go, you most probably will never hear the end of it!
Show them that you are fine, put on a smile and be ever so happy, make her feel like she is the most important mother out there, you won't regret doing this i promise, sometimes we are forced to use reverse psychology for our own benefit

[Mandy]

Originally Posted by Janet

I just get so upset when I hear of favortism among children. Bless their hearts, it stays with them for life and it just breaks my heart. This should never be allowed to happen in families, sports, school, anywhere. They are all special and we as adults need to make sure they feel that way...I know, with some it takes a little extra effort, but they are going to be leading us one day and we'd better do something about it now.

I agree with you 100%
A child never ever forgets, it stays with them and it's hard to shake it off, ive been there and still am, and it's a lousy feeling!

I can't even favour one of my fur kids over the other, it's just not fair, and would hate to hurt anyones feelings!!

[Janet]

I agree with you too, Mandy. Put on that brave face and attend the shower. My situation was a little different in the fact I couldn't conceive. All those baby showers were so hard on me, but if and when the Good Lord blessed me with a child (and he did) I wanted them to be sincerely happy for me too.

[magnolia]

Originally Posted by hle_625

This is a very touchy subject for me bc Im going through it right now but in a different way then you are explaining. (this could be long)

Ive been with my hubby for a total of 5 1/2 years and weve been married for a little over a year. Well last year around christmas time, my brother in law met this girl...my bil is 23 and she was 19 at the time. Well she had a little girl already that was 1 at the time but she is now 2. Well Amber (my bil's girlfriend) ended up getting pregnant just shortly after they started dating. Well me and my hubby dont have children yet (we are only 21) so this will be the first grandbaby on my husbands side of the family. Well I have noticed a HUGE change in my mother in law since she found out that she was going to be a grandma for the first time.

Let me go back to when Amber found out that she was first pregnant. They were at MY house and she told me that her and Kevin were goign to have a baby, and how she is soooo excited bc this will be the first grandbaby for his side of the family, and the first grandbaby is the most important That really hurt my feelings bc here I've been with my hubby for this long and been a part of his family for this long and now this girl just steps in! Needless to say its been a LONG seven months (shes due in November) All I hear about is the baby this and the baby that. And everyone is buying all of this stuff for her bc she quit her job when she found out she was pregnant bc she wants to be a stay at home mom. And now my inlaws are constantly asking me and my hubby when we are going to give them a grandbaby! Its so frustrating....we are so young and have a very long time to think about babies!

Also last Sunday we were at my inlaws house and my mother in law bought them a stroller/carseat combo and they were putting it together. Well my mother in law told my brother in law that when they were done using it for their baby, to make sure to keep it so that I could have when I have a baby someday!!! I almost cried bc here she is spending 100's of dollars on the "first" grandbaby and she is already talking about giving me nothing but hand me downs. Dont get me wrong I dont think there is anything wrong with hand me downs I just think its unfair for her to be treating me like this when I dont even have kids yet.

Ok and one more thing....(sorry its so long I told you this was a touchy subject for me) When me and Adam got married his family did not give me one bridal shower or a bachelorette party or anything of that sort. And now they are giving Amber this really nice baby shower next weekend. My feelings are so hurt over this and I'm not going to the baby shower bc of this reason! I have cried and cried over this whole situation. Will you guys tell me if I am being selfish about all of this. Im really hurt about it all

Heather,

I have typed and erased 4 seperate times and I'm hoping this won't be #5! Do I think you're being selfish? No, I don't at all. You have had this baby "thrown" in your face since it was first announced she was pregnant - she's "bragged and boasted" about this being the first grandchild, in-laws are bending over backwards to help her and do things for her, while you are sitting on the sidelines watching. Have the tried to include you in anything during the pregnancy other than to ask when you were having one? Maybe if they had been more thoughtful and included you in things, you might not feel as you do right now. And maybe, just maybe, your heart is speaking to you that the relationship may not last another year or two despite the fact they will have a child to link them together for the rest of their lives. If they split, she'll take the child with her and could very possibly make it difficult for the father and the in-laws to see him/her. I'm just guessing and having rambling thoughts on the situation. I do not blame you at all for your feelings. As for hand-me-downs, no one wants ALL hand-me-downs with their first baby, whether it's the 2nd grandchild or the 10th - you do want some new things for the new baby! Even though I kept all of TJ's clothes in case we had another boy (which we did), I still bought new outfits and toys for Taylor. You deserve nothing less when the time comes that you and your husband decide to start a family. And the decision on when to start is between the two of you, no one else. Trust me - enjoy life together as husband and wife, do things the two of you want to do, go places together, or just enjoy being with one another before you have kids - kids are a life changing addition to the family and you need to enter that phase of your life ready and with no regrets for not having done things as a couple before the baby arrived.

Gosh, I hope this rambling I've done makes some sort of sense!!!!

[hle_625]

Originally Posted by magnolia

Heather,

I have typed and erased 4 seperate times and I'm hoping this won't be #5! Do I think you're being selfish? No, I don't at all. You have had this baby "thrown" in your face since it was first announced she was pregnant - she's "bragged and boasted" about this being the first grandchild, in-laws are bending over backwards to help her and do things for her, while you are sitting on the sidelines watching. Have the tried to include you in anything during the pregnancy other than to ask when you were having one? Maybe if they had been more thoughtful and included you in things, you might not feel as you do right now. And maybe, just maybe, your heart is speaking to you that the relationship may not last another year or two despite the fact they will have a child to link them together for the rest of their lives. If they split, she'll take the child with her and could very possibly make it difficult for the father and the in-laws to see him/her. I'm just guessing and having rambling thoughts on the situation. I do not blame you at all for your feelings. As for hand-me-downs, no one wants ALL hand-me-downs with their first baby, whether it's the 2nd grandchild or the 10th - you do want some new things for the new baby! Even though I kept all of TJ's clothes in case we had another boy (which we did), I still bought new outfits and toys for Taylor. You deserve nothing less when the time comes that you and your husband decide to start a family. And the decision on when to start is between the two of you, no one else. Trust me - enjoy life together as husband and wife, do things the two of you want to do, go places together, or just enjoy being with one another before you have kids - kids are a life changing addition to the family and you need to enter that phase of your life ready and with no regrets for not having done things as a couple before the baby arrived.

Gosh, I hope this rambling I've done makes some sort of sense!!!!

Thank you so much for your response you have hit alot of things right on! This girl does not, and I repeat does not take care of her child that she has now, she just wants someone to take care of her and her baby and unfortunatly my BIL got trapped into this! All my inlaws do is talk constantly about this baby and I understand that they are excited but I have had enough of it! Amber is going to let anyone and everyone in that birthing room when this baby is born, infact my sister in law is going to cut the babies cord so....they all keep saying to me that when I have a baby they all better get to be in my birthing room too. So its put alot of pressure on my part! And I dont even have kids yet. And my mother in law got to go to the first ultrasound and you are only allowed to have 2 people in there. So it was Kevin (my brother in law) and my mother in law in there bc her mom couldnt attend. So the first thing my mother in law said to me was I better get to go to your ultrasound when you have a baby! Well what about my mom??? She will want to be there. I could go on and on but I will stop boring you guys!

I dont think they will be together for much longer, shes already left him twice and came back. She doesnt know what she wants!

[magnolia]

Originally Posted by hle_625

Thank you so much for your response you have hit alot of things right on! This girl does not, and I repeat does not take care of her child that she has now, she just wants someone to take care of her and her baby and unfortunatly my BIL got trapped into this! All my inlaws do is talk constantly about this baby and I understand that they are excited but I have had enough of it! Amber is going to let anyone and everyone in that birthing room when this baby is born, infact my sister in law is going to cut the babies cord so....they all keep saying to me that when I have a baby they all better get to be in my birthing room too. So its put alot of pressure on my part! And I dont even have kids yet. And my mother in law got to go to the first ultrasound and you are only allowed to have 2 people in there. So it was Kevin (my brother in law) and my mother in law in there bc her mom couldnt attend. So the first thing my mother in law said to me was I better get to go to your ultrasound when you have a baby! Well what about my mom??? She will want to be there. I could go on and on but I will stop boring you guys!

I dont think they will be together for much longer, shes already left him twice and came back. She doesnt know what she wants!

Oh Heather, the more I hear of this, the more my heart aches for you and what you are going through. First of all, pregnancy is a special bond between husband and wife (or father and mother, if not married) and their unborn child. The baby will be shared with the entire family when he/she is born but before then, the pregnancy, in my opinion, is shared between the happy couple. When I had TJ, I never gave it one thought about asking my MIL to go with us (my mom lived 3 hours away at the time) - it was just hubby and I. The day I was being put in the hospital to have labor induced with him, my MIL called wanting to check on me and I told a white lie and said I was fine (was actually waiting on hubby to get home so we could go to the hospital). And when delivery time came - I wanted no one in there but Sam. Now, before things got down to the "nitty gritty" of delivery, my mom was in there, my MIL was in there, and other family and friends were coming in but when it got to the actual delivery, I wanted everyone out - to me, the birth of a child is a special bond between the parents - at least that's my opinion on the matter. And when you decide the time is right to have kids, lay the ground rules down - you and your husband will go to your doctor visits and ultrasound visits only unless he can't go and you ask someone else to go. As for labor time, if the hospital allows it, you can have as many in the room with you while you are progressing through labor but, a piece of advice, let your doctor and the staff at the hospital know ahead of time that you only want your husband in there with you - they'll be the "bad guys" and run everyone out Just stick to your "guns" and don't let anyone try to push you in a direction you aren't comfortable with, be that associating with Amber or having a child of your own! And if you need me to come kick some butt, just say the word!

[Janet]

Originally Posted by magnolia

Heather,

I have typed and erased 4 seperate times and I'm hoping this won't be #5! Do I think you're being selfish? No, I don't at all. You have had this baby "thrown" in your face since it was first announced she was pregnant - she's "bragged and boasted" about this being the first grandchild, in-laws are bending over backwards to help her and do things for her, while you are sitting on the sidelines watching. Have the tried to include you in anything during the pregnancy other than to ask when you were having one? Maybe if they had been more thoughtful and included you in things, you might not feel as you do right now. And maybe, just maybe, your heart is speaking to you that the relationship may not last another year or two despite the fact they will have a child to link them together for the rest of their lives. If they split, she'll take the child with her and could very possibly make it difficult for the father and the in-laws to see him/her. I'm just guessing and having rambling thoughts on the situation. I do not blame you at all for your feelings. As for hand-me-downs, no one wants ALL hand-me-downs with their first baby, whether it's the 2nd grandchild or the 10th - you do want some new things for the new baby! Even though I kept all of TJ's clothes in case we had another boy (which we did), I still bought new outfits and toys for Taylor. You deserve nothing less when the time comes that you and your husband decide to start a family. And the decision on when to start is between the two of you, no one else. Trust me - enjoy life together as husband and wife, do things the two of you want to do, go places together, or just enjoy being with one another before you have kids - kids are a life changing addition to the family and you need to enter that phase of your life ready and with no regrets for not having done things as a couple before the baby arrived.

Gosh, I hope this rambling I've done makes some sort of sense!!!!

WOW, that's some great advice.....