Afraid ???

[Janet]

Got a couple things I just wanted to share. Smoking is not allowed in our house, so usually we go outside or hubby goes to the garage. The other night I went outside to get something out of my van and my husband is sitting there and hurries and puts something in his pocket when I enter the garage. It was just a handheld solitaire game. I asked him why the heck he tried to hide it ....he didn't really have an answer. Now I know I get on him from time to time, but he made me feel like he was afraid of me or something. My gosh, it was his game, why should I care what or where he plays it??? I just thought this was so strange!


The next thing is when my son and I went to town last night to get some groceries we were talking and it ended up about his father and how much he smokes...ALOT!! Then Ricky told me he's worried about his drinking too! I didn't really think he was drinking (beer) very much at all. He never drinks in the house, but he said the trash can in the garage is full of beer cans. Now Ricky wants me to talk with him about it. I guess I will just tell him his son is worried about him....I don't want him to think Ricky was "telling" on him...he was just concerned. Why can't life get easier instead of harder? Guess I need to pay more attention...huh?

[Ponyup]

I don't know how your sons & husbands relationship is, but maybe your son should talk to him. You can coach your son on what to say, & it might mean more coming from him. My father & I never had a good relationship (he was gone a lot), but now I wish I would of tried harder to talk to him. Now I'm just terrified & very uncomfortable talking to him, it might help your son & husbands relationship is he tried to work this out with him alone.

If I were you though I would have a talk with your husband over hiding the game. That just seems really odd.

[Janet]

Thanks, the "boys" have a great relationship. I just didn't know if a 16 year old needed to talk with his father about his bad habits. I don't think hubby would listen to him any more than he would me when it comes to this subject. I know I'm going to go ahead and speak with him and then if our son wants to talk with him he can.

[RLC12345678]

I agree that your son should talk to him. I had a similar situation going on with my dad. My dad had a massive heart attack in 2004 and almost didn't make it. The doctors told him he needed to start eating right and exercising. Well, he didn't obey the doctor's orders. My sisters and I would always tell my mom how concerned we were about it. Well, one day we convinced my mom to say something to him about it and my dad got REALLY REALLY mad at my mom. He said that he was a grown man and could do what he wanted and my mom didn't need to be telling him what to do, ect. and he didn't talk to her for like 3 days. Well, after some time passed, my sisters and I were still concerned but my mom siad she would never again say anything to him about it bc he just gets pissed and defensive. So, my sisters and I decided to say something to him. Well, my dad listened to us. I mean, how can he get pissed at his daughters for being concerned? He can't! And you know what, he has started eating right and exercising. We told him that we wanted him to be around to play with his grandchildren, and he listened. He would not listen to my mom, but he listened to us.

If your hubby is already hiding things from you (i.e. the game), then if you talk to him he may think you are just trying to "control" him or boss him around or whatnot, like he feels you might be doing now since he is hiding things from you. But I honestly think if your son approached him, he would listen to him and really take what he was saying to heart, just like my dad did.

[Janet]

Originally Posted by RLC12345678

I agree that your son should talk to him. I had a similar situation going on with my dad. My dad had a massive heart attack in 2004 and almost didn't make it. The doctors told him he needed to start eating right and exercising. Well, he didn't obey the doctor's orders. My sisters and I would always tell my mom how concerned we were about it. Well, one day we convinced my mom to say something to him about it and my dad got REALLY REALLY mad at my mom. He said that he was a grown man and could do what he wanted and my mom didn't need to be telling him what to do, ect. and he didn't talk to her for like 3 days. Well, after some time passed, my sisters and I were still concerned but my mom siad she would never again say anything to him about it bc he just gets pissed and defensive. So, my sisters and I decided to say something to him. Well, my dad listened to us. I mean, how can he get pissed at his daughters for being concerned? He can't! And you know what, he has started eating right and exercising. We told him that we wanted him to be around to play with his grandchildren, and he listened. He would not listen to my mom, but he listened to us.

If your hubby is already hiding things from you (i.e. the game), then if you talk to him he may think you are just trying to "control" him or boss him around or whatnot, like he feels you might be doing now since he is hiding things from you. But I honestly think if your son approached him, he would listen to him and really take what he was saying to heart, just like my dad did.

You don't think he's too young at 16 to have this talk with his dad? I have always practiced not involving him in adult situations, but I guess he is getting to be more of an adult. I'll see if he would be comfortable doing so and go from there.

[RLC12345678]

Originally Posted by Janet

You don't think he's too young at 16 to have this talk with his dad? I have always practiced not involving him in adult situations, but I guess he is getting to be more of an adult. I'll see if he would be comfortable doing so and go from there.

Maybe he shouldn't approach it in such a serious manner. Maybe when Ricky sees his dad drinking or smoking again, he should smile and day something like, "Dad! You shouldn't drink so much!" Or something like that. I don't think he should sit down and have a serious conversation with him, but maybe just say a little something in a half-way joking manner just so his dad knows how he feels.

[2tiredmom]

Janet,

Are you kidding. I hate to tell you this but your little boy is not so little anymore.
He has a driver's license now. That is a very big grown up responsiblity. You both have raised him well. I think it would be ok for Ricky to talk to Rick.
Maybe when they go camping or are just hanging out together. That will make
Rick sit back and look at what his son is seeing. An I know how he loves that boy.
Hope it all goes well.

[Janet]

I was talking to my sister-in-law and she said she had noticed his drinking picked up right after his dad passed away. She said when he would stop out at the flower shop he always had a 6 pack with him. I HAD NO IDEA!! I asked her why she didn't tell me and she thought I knew. He's obviously been hiding the drinking really well. He is never drunk, now thinking back, when we would be in conversation, he acted like he didn't understand. I thought it was his hearing (it's not real good), it could have been, but I think he was just intoxicated.

I just don't see how I was so blind!!! My husband is 54 years old. He has rhuematioid arthritis, but is taking medicine and seeing a specialist. It is supposedly in remission. He also has a problem with a disk in his back, that causes one of his knees to give out if he is not careful. He has had a hearing problem since he was little. He's not deaf, but doesn't always hear things. He is skinnier than a stick.

With all his heavy smoking....and now the drinking....I need to get this nipped real quick. I may have Ricky talk with him, but I think I need to also. He needs to know that my son is not going to witness his father slowly kill himself.

I'd like to speak with him tonight, but they have a Scout meeting and I would rather Ricky not listen to us. I don't think this is something that I should wait too long on.

[RLC12345678]

Now that I go back and read this again, I think you SHOULD talk to him first, just to give him a little food for thought, and then later get Ricky to say something to him. It did take SEVERAL people saying something to my dad before he cleaned up his act. My mom said something awhile back, then a couple of his friends said something to him, then recently my mom's uncle had a "serious" talk with him and told him he needed to get healthy for his children, and then my sisters and me said something to him over Christmas break. Only after ALL of those people said something to him did he finally start to get the picture.

It will probably take more than just Ricky talking to him for him to really get the message and that is where you need to step in.

[RLC12345678]

Now that I go back and read this again, I think you SHOULD talk to him first, just to give him a little food for thought, and then later get Ricky to say something to him. It did take SEVERAL people saying something to my dad before he cleaned up his act. My mom said something awhile back, then a couple of his friends said something to him, then recently my mom's uncle had a "serious" talk with him and told him he needed to get healthy for his children, and then my sisters and me said something to him over Christmas break. Only after ALL of those people said something to him did he finally start to get the picture.

It will probably take more than just Ricky talking to him for him to really get the message and that is where you need to step in.

[Marilyn]

Are you sure it was just the game he was hiding? Or was there a beer can you missed and it seemed like the game? I'm sorry Janet. My dad drank too much and was really sensitive about it. I hated seeing him drunk. It just got worse as he got older until his health got really bad and he cut way back. He never got ugly or anything at least he was a happy drunk. It was pretty bad when he got sick from it though. My mother did not drink, never even tasted beer. It was very hard for her to endure.

I don't know what to tell you as far as advice. All I can do is feel for you, remember you in prayers and hope that he listens and changes for you and Ricky. Life should not be this hard.

[Janet]

No, he had a beer out there, but I didn't think anything of it. I've always felt a man was entitled to a beer after work (perferably at home), but he shoved the game in his pocket and then pulled it right back out. So weird.

I did tell him last night that Ricky was concerned about all the empty beer cans and he said those have been out there since last summer, he's just never emptied it yet. I asked him if he had started drinking more since his father passed and he said he didn't really think so, but would start watching it. He wouldn't do anything intentionally to hurt our son....he's the love of our life, so I believe him. I did tell him, if ever he thought it might be out of control, to let me know and we'd seek help. If not....he knows where the door is.

I just may have jumped the gun a little bit, so I will continue to monitor everything.

[RLC12345678]

Originally Posted by Janet

No, he had a beer out there, but I didn't think anything of it. I've always felt a man was entitled to a beer after work (perferably at home), but he shoved the game in his pocket and then pulled it right back out. So weird.

I did tell him last night that Ricky was concerned about all the empty beer cans and he said those have been out there since last summer, he's just never emptied it yet. I asked him if he had started drinking more since his father passed and he said he didn't really think so, but would start watching it. He wouldn't do anything intentionally to hurt our son....he's the love of our life, so I believe him. I did tell him, if ever he thought it might be out of control, to let me know and we'd seek help. If not....he knows where the door is.

I just may have jumped the gun a little bit, so I will continue to monitor everything.

I think this is good news, Janet. It seems like he was receptive and from what you said, it seems like he really will try to watch it. Way to go! You handled the situation beautifully!