need MIL advice

To make a long story short, my hubby and I got married Nov 2006 and his mother refused to meet me and come to the wedding. She lives literally 15 minutes down the road. Well, hubby said he was done with her blah blah blah. He and I were very hurt by it. Well he does see her by chance because he goes to see his little brother a lot cause his little brother has a bunch of terminal illnesses. Well, Adam (hubby) tells me that his mom emailed him and asked him to go to lunch with her. I'm actually kind of annoyed because he was like "well if she wants to go..." I feel as if he is falling into her trap. I know he still cares about his mom and I know she cares about him, but I just would like a little defense. I did nothing wrong to make her be this way. I feel that he should stand up to her and say if you don't want to have anything to do with my wife, then you don't want anything to do with me... or at least something... and every time I bring it up to him, he gets defensive... I really want to talk to him about this tonight... any suggestions?

Of course there is a lot more details to the story, but I'm at work and can't really be on here long. This is the basic idea

[Mandy]

Ashley, i dont know what to tell you. After all it is hes mother, dont hold him back from seeing her, you might regret it one day. Maybe its better to encourage him to contact her, that will show her, you are a better person.

I actually did when we were dating. His mom randomly kicked him out of the house and he started staying with me because he had no where to go... he was sleeping in his car... but then she started making stupid comments like "if you get her pregnant don't come running to me" and started stalking my myspace page to get information about me. Somehow she found out my last name and email address, which is not posted on myspace or anywhere else. When Adam told her we were getting married she flipped out and started screaming at him for 3 hours. She said it was against "God's will" to marry me (because I am just sooo horrible). None of his family even showed up to support him and his aunt actually met me. He was supposed to be close with her but she told him "Don't bother sending me an invitation."

I just feel very disrespected because I never did anything. I am his wife and he is a man that is capable of making his own decisions. I don't think it's fair of her to judge me the way she has. I believe in giving people a chance and I was never given that opportunity. I wanted to meet her and I still do, mainly now just to prove to her that I am not that bad of a person. It's not fair for my husband to have to go by himself. We should go visit her as a couple. One day we will have children... how's it going to be then? He goes to take the kids to grandma's house by himself? I have to leave because she's coming by. I just feel that if he is going to lunch with her, I should be with him. If he goes to see his brother, I should be with him. If there is a family emergency, I should be with him.

That's another thing. His brother is terminally ill with many diseases. He is 13 and could probably go at any time or live for another 50 years. It's hard to tell, but what if something did happen to his brother? I should be able to go with my husband to the funeral or hospital without fear of his mother, not for myself, not for MIL, but for Adam.

[Gina]

Originally Posted by Mandy

Ashley, i dont know what to tell you. After all it is hes mother, dont hold him back from seeing her, you might regret it one day. Maybe its better to encourage him to contact her, that will show her, you are a better person.

Ashley, I agree with Mandy on this one. There is more to this story that you are telling us. Is there a reason why she didn't come to the wedding? If you want our input we need all the facts. I find it hard for a mom not to attend her own son's wedding for no reason at all. Like Mandy said show her that you are a better person, I know several people whom the grooms mother did not go to the wedding and they made up a year later. Sad they missed an important day in their sons life.

[Janet]

I really don't want to comment much until I know more about this situation. I can tell you not to stand between him and his mother. Show him that you know how important mothers are...someday you will be one and you want him to understand this now.

She kicked him out of the house. Adam says he doesn't know why, but he didn't have a place to live, so my mom and I let him stay with us. During that time I encouraged him to see her and try to make up with her. Everytime he would come back he would tell me of some snide remark she said about me. She once said "if you get her pregnant don't come running to me" and another time she assumed that I was under aged and told him to stay away. She started stalking me on myspace and found out stuff about me that I don't even know how she did. From July to Oct, Adam was in Arizona doing border patrol. In late Sept he found out he was on the list for Iraq and we started talking about marriage and went with it. We got married Nov. 18. In late Oct when we started planning the wedding he told his mom and asked her if she would like to meet me and help with the wedding plans. He said all she did was scream at him for 3 hours about why he shouldn't marry me. She said it was against God's will and in an email, which she emailed to me too, basically saying that our marriage counseling at a methodist church was not "godly" and told him that if wanted counseling for marriage that he should talk to the people at his old church that she went to. Adam had mentioned before that he didn't want to go to that church with me because they would get weird if you got married outside of the church. I'm thinking she's mad because 1) I took her "little boy" away and 2) Because the wedding wasn't in HER church.

His little brother (13) is very ill and she lost her husband 11 years ago due to a car accident. He is all she has and will have, but truthfully I don't think it's fair for her to push me away because of it. I'm not trying to stand between them... I would love for him to have a decent relationship with his mother, but I did nothing wrong. I don't even know her and I feel she judged me unfairly. All I want is for her to realize that I'm not a bad person and I can't do that if she never has even attempted to meet me. His whole family basically turned their backs on him because of this. I feel that a family should support another family member. My family didn't necessarily agree with me getting married so young, but they supported me and him every single step of the way. My family is very small and very close. They look at Adam as an extensioin and I would like to be thought of the same.

[Gina]

Ashley, sometimes people don't know how to go about things. In this case your mil has had misfortune with her husbands tragic death and dealing with her young sons illness. I am assuming that you and your husband didn't date for very long before marrying. Like you said she doesn't know you. Maybe she feels you both rushed into marriage.Yes you are both young and I as a mother of a 22 yr old son, please don't think that I am defending her, but I am putting myself in her shoes. I love my sons girlfriend but I would not want my son to get married now at this young age, he still has to finish college and get a job. Can I force him to listen no, but he feels the same way I do. I only advise. She probably never got a chance to know you, and looks at you for taking her son away from her, he became the man of the house when his father was killed. I think in time she will come around, she has missed the most important day of her sons life, and she someday will regret that, but for now you will have to forgive her. Your family sounds wonderful , I am sure your mil wasn't such a terrible woman before life threw curves balls her way. Forgive her and don't stop your husband from going there, she will come around when she sees that her son is happy and she will accept you. I will pray that things go forward soon.

[Marilyn]

Ashley, I agree with Gina here. You should be the one who is there for your husband, but gives him the freedom and the time to try to work things out with his mom. She may come to realize that you are good for him. If you try to stop him, he may resent you, and you do not want that. You should guard against being too protective and possessive of him. He's a smart young man, he married you, didn't he?

Pray about this entire situation. Pray for his mother, for your husband and yourself, that you all will find the right direction in this. Sounds like your MIL has and is going through a lot. She may be searching for the right thing to do.

Let us know how things go.

[Mandy]

Maybe you need to be the wise one here Ashley, and write her a letter. Tell her that she will always be welcome in your house, it sounds like this woman has had her share of heartaches, and most probably has no idea which way to turn. By opening your door to her, you may solve a lot, and become her friend that she can talk to.
Dont get me wrong, im not taking you MIL side, but im looking at a way to solve the issue which would make life a lot happier for everyone involved.
Keep us posted girl, we are here for you.

[Janet]

Originally Posted by Gina

Ashley, sometimes people don't know how to go about things. In this case your mil has had misfortune with her husbands tragic death and dealing with her young sons illness. I am assuming that you and your husband didn't date for very long before marrying. Like you said she doesn't know you. Maybe she feels you both rushed into marriage.Yes you are both young and I as a mother of a 22 yr old son, please don't think that I am defending her, but I am putting myself in her shoes. I love my sons girlfriend but I would not want my son to get married now at this young age, he still has to finish college and get a job. Can I force him to listen no, but he feels the same way I do. I only advise. She probably never got a chance to know you, and looks at you for taking her son away from her, he became the man of the house when his father was killed. I think in time she will come around, she has missed the most important day of her sons life, and she someday will regret that, but for now you will have to forgive her. Your family sounds wonderful , I am sure your mil wasn't such a terrible woman before life threw curves balls her way. Forgive her and don't stop your husband from going there, she will come around when she sees that her son is happy and she will accept you. I will pray that things go forward soon.

Gina, what wonderful advice. Ashley... I hope you can find it in your heart to take Gina's post and let it work for you.

I also forgot to mention that my mom did meet her when her little one was having surgery and she eluded to the fact that everything that was going on between her and Adam was my fault. She said that none of his actions started until he started dating me.... the woman kicked him out BEFORE we started dating officially. He and I were just kinda hanging out then and she doesn't even know me. I feel very judged. Also, for christmas, she mailed Adam and I each seperate books. I wrote her a thank you card and we went out and bought her something... together... and wrote a card out... together... and she calls him and thanks him on voice mail and writes him a thank you card... never once even saying "Oh thank Ashley for me"... nothing...

I actually wrote an email, I just didn't have the guts to send it... so I saved it.

Here were her emails to him that she sent to my email address that no one knew or gave her a few weeks before the wedding....

Adam - Yes, I did get your email and am prayerfully seeking the Lord's will and wisdom in replying. I do not want to use my own words in response to your questions.

Of course, you know I love you more than my own life and desire only that you would come to love and follow Christ as you know you should. It is impossible to love Him "half way." I cannot deny Christ - nor "wink" in disobedience to His Word. We are either His enemy or His friend.

If and when you do marry - may it be in His perfect order, will and timing. And may you be able to lead your family to heaven's gates, saying "Follow me as I follow Christ." I will reply as He leads.

Love and prayers - Mom



Good morning, Adam. How are you? You asked (3) questions in your last e-mail.

(1) Would I like to meet Ashley? Perhaps. You name a time and place and I will see if it meets my schedule. I would like to hear from you, in front of her, how I "just went crazy one day" and kicked you out...

(2) Would I like to go to a wedding and (3) would I "help"? By your own words, you admit marrying Ashley (or anyone) at this time, you know is wholly against God's will, yet you plan anyway. How can I help you "celebrate" that? Fear God. Keep His commandments. He will not always strive...

You are loved dearly. We pray for you every day. If you seek Him, you will find Him. Keep looking up! - Mom



Dearest Adam,

Trusting you are well. How is everything? Another reminder you are truly loved. You've asked a few favors of me and I have a couple things to ask you. As promised...

(1) You asked if I would like to meet Ashley. As I said, name a time and place. I do not much mind meeting her - but do ask that you repeat your words "My mom just went crazy one day and kicked me out..." in front of both of us - or the whole world for that matter. You know this is not even close to the truth...

(2) Addresses for your aunts, uncles and Grandma. [see below] I cannot find Aunt Jo's address right away.Let me know if you really want to contact her. And Aunt Mary - I can't find hers right now. You can call her though to get it. Honestly, you should be prepared... I know of no one on this list (or Aunt Mary) who is willing or eager to attend or celebrate a wedding for you - at this time. Selah.

(3) You say you are getting "marriage counseling." God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Godly counsel it the same no matter where it is found. You say you know your friends and family at our church would give you Godly counsel. Will you not seek it because you may know what they will say? Are you that afraid of the truth? What you are receiving - simply evidenced by your statement "they never ask about you, mom" - is not Godly counsel. If you want honest and Godly counsel - here are several names of men who know you and love you and will give you just that: Jamie, Tony Lawrence, Andrew Lawrence, Louis Stitt, John Miuccio, Brandon and Josh Schwartz, Pastor Fort (and Esther) in California, Dan Konczal, Dave Stocks, Basam, German Rojas... I could name more. If you've forgotten how to contact them - let me know. I know - especially Dan and Geramn - would like to really talk with you.

These men ask about you often. Pray for you more. And covet your Christian fellowship

This is what I wrote, but haven't sent.

There are a lot of things that I know I should say, but when it comes to this point, it all jumbles together. I don't know where to start.

I don't really know what happened between you and Adam. He says he has a couple ideas but he's not sure himself and I'm not going to press him on it or question why. That's between the two of you, but I guarantee that it had NOTHING to do with me. I did not or never will encourage any disrespect to you or his family in any way, shape, or form. In fact, from day one I tried to encourage him to make amends with you. Even though he is 22, he still needs you. We all need our mothers and I especially learned this after the near death of my own. I remember numerous times crying to Adam while my mom was lying there almost lifeless telling him that I can't lose her. I knew she was going to be okay the day when she opened her eyes and attempted to make the "I love you" sign in sign language. She doesn't remember any of it, but I do.

With all of that in mind, I never wanted to be a burden to everyone. I wanted everyone to like me and accept me as Adam's wife. I wanted us to celebrate together. We had a small wedding, but it was beautiful and I wouldn't have changed it for anything. I love Adam beyond words and I would do anything for him. This is something the both of wanted to do. We made a decision, went with it, and reluctantly had my family's full support. How this is against God's will is beyond me. At the same time, God does not approve of judging others and I feel as if I have been unfairly judged. I've never done anything to you... I mean, we've never even met. This is the closest I've come to conversing with my husband's mother in a little over a year. I did meet Adam's aunt and I don't understand why she didn't like me either. I never did anything... I was myself, said please and thank you, and never cursed.

And in response to the third note in your previous email - we love the church that we are going to. We are going to it because it means something to us and the minister is amazing. She loves us... every time we walk in there, she always says something to the congregation about us. It may not be the church you started taking him to, but it is OUR church... something we did together as husband and wife. We have that right to make our own decisions and they are not any less Christian than anyone else in your church. They sin like everyone and pray like any other church going person. They may have a few minor altered beliefs, but the main one is the same. We all have the same belief in the existence of God and to me, that's what really counts.

Marriage should not only be about the union of two people, but also the adding on of family. He has been accepted as the addition to my family and all I ask is to be accepted by yours, or at least given the chance. I've always been raised with the cliche "Love me, love my family" and to be honest with you, from the things Adam has said about you, his aunt, Jordan, his father... I care about you all, but at the same time... I am Adam's family now too. I would like to build a relationship up with all of you, but I can't if I'm the only one willing to try. I was very hurt and so was Adam when he came home and told me you weren't coming to the wedding and neither was anyone else, but I am willing to let it all go... I just ask for that chance.

I'm sorry if you felt that this letter was out of disrespect. It's not meant in that way. I just want a fair shot and answers to questions that I've never been able to ask.

Thank you.

Ashley

I know this is long... sorry... I know you guys are looking at it from her prespective, but I just would like a decent relationship with my mother in law. I always pictured me getting ready for my wedding with my mom, my aunt, my grandmother and my soon to be mother in law in the room helping me get ready... not just my mom and aunt. I wanted us to be able to call her up and say "Hey we're going out to dinner... come with and bring Jordan!" But we can't all because she's being stubborn. I understand she is going through some rough stuff, but so have I and so has Adam. That just wasn't her husband and her little boy. It's also Adam's dad and Adam's little brother. He's hurt too... he's cried to me so many times saying "I lost my dad, I'm losing my little brother, and now I lost my whole family." I want him to be close with his family, but I am also Adam's new family and they should accept me. We married as one, a unit, and I feel that's how it should be. I don't want him to stop seeing his mom... I just want him to say "Hey mom, if you want me to come to lunch, Ashley is going to come as well. She is my wife and it's about time you meet her."

[Marilyn]

Ashley, after reading your entire post, I would suggest that you discuss your e-mail with your husband and then send it to your MIL. He does not have to read it, though I think it would do him good to do so. I would at least let him know that you are making an honest attempt. She needs to have a relationship with you and her son. It looks like she has quite a family support group, so she is not as alone as it first appeared.

If she disagrees with your religious beliefs and how you and your husband are worshiping, how does she expect to have any influence over you and him if she has to contact. If she really considers this, it make no sense. She's not going to shame you into changing because of her behavior.

I know of people who have cut their children off like this, and I believe that it is very wrong to do so.

Hope this helps, and that you can at least meet with her together with your husband.

She has said that she will meet. Did y'all try to set a time?

We did, but his brother ended up just getting out of the hospital and that was right after she said the things she said to my mom and right before she found out about the wedding. Adam didn't think it was the time... but now... this is getting ridiculous. Adam and I have been together for over a year and married for 5 months. I feel like there is a part of him I still don't know. I met a few people from his dad's side of the family and he said they seemed to have liked me... why can't his mom's side not like me?

[Mandy]

They need to all get to know you, and speak to you personally, not hear stories via hes mother.
Keep your head high Ashley, be proud of who you are, and stay they person you are, if you know you do good, dont let anyone tell you different.

oh my oh my your situation is so much similar to mine that its kinda scary, but you what i have went through hell and back with my in laws and only on my husbands mothers side and you know i finally just went "crazy" in perspective from holding it in and i just let him know and i let her know and i said you know if you dont like it dotn coe around me or our children, and you know they dont neccessarily treat me much different but they do calm themselves when it comes to talking crap in my words. my husband also realized that im not trying to be a prude, im not trying to make her mad, im not trying to start trouble and he know realized hey you cannot talk to my wife that way and you cannot treat my kids thsi way.

my mother in law didnt want us to get married also and actually kicked my husband out of her house and gave him that day to move, and really there was no reason behind it also , she said she just got tired of seeing me there, and she got tired of him spending time with me and not them, which i understand but there were times when i was workig and he would call bored and say he was going to bed but they were gone or they were shopping or such and it was just a bunch of he said she said and now his mom said no i didnt kick you out your year was up and it was time for you to move, and you are a liar and you are not buying a house and etc, and shes just lying to you and she didnt signa contract and i mean crazy stuff, and he was just tired of it, he went with me and he signed the contract himself, etc etc she was just crazy, she didnt attend our small wedding and in fact we couldnt even get her to sign the witness on our marriage cert, so we had to go and actully find a cousin or someting to come to the wedding to sign it, crazy huh, heartbreaking huh,
she now doesnt attend our twins birthday this last january she doesnt come to my sons 7 year old birthday becuse hes not her real grandson, when she came to their 1st birthday she came with 2 big bags of clothes for each kid and she then had enough nerve to say well when we shop we do it rigt and we buy tehbest stuff, we dont go to walmart and target,

she hurt alot of people that day, and you know they way they act and its funny becuase at the end of the day they have no friends, they have no happiness and it goes deep down

you cannot keep your husband away but you have to at least be on track with your husband as to what you expect from her, and what he should expect from her towards you guys.
and let me tell you, just becuse she meets you and acts nice, she may still continue her behavior, you have to know that you have tried and you are continuing to try with her, and that you come out as the better person, and you may spend all your life trying to get her to like you and it may seem that it is never going to happen but you have the feeling of knowign you have done your best with her, i have been through it and i actually feel sorry for my mil, she really has some screws loose but you know i cannot judge her and i told her if you talk aboutme behind my back just dont let me hear about it, because if you do not have enough respect for someone to just let them be and love them how they are then thats your problem,

you cannot keep your husband away becuase in reality he will only have one mom
and next time ask to go with him to see his little brother, but want to go, take her some pie but want to, take her flowers, but want to you have to really want to
i mean shes either going to accept it or throw you out on the porch and if she does than your husband should step in and explain if you cannot treat her nicely then we will not come back, its not just me mom its us now,
i mean you have to want to before i was new at it and i wanted to hate her and fight and argue with her because she called me an oakey (sp?) or becuase i was dirty becusae i removed my shoes at the door and i propped my feet underneath me on the couch, i mean i had seen her do the same thing but you know they just dont get it, and finally i did and i finally just realized hey i love my hubs and she sitn going to cause fights between us, and now things are not perfect and things are not peachy with her but it takes time and understanding and you need to come out of this being the adult and being the better person

i do think age has something to do with it in some cases, but you know what i am
21 years old i have been married for 3 years
i have a seven year old son and 2 year old twins, i have lost a child at the age of 3 weeks with my husband and i held him till he took his last breath,
i own a home and i have 3 vehicles, and numerous toys. but you know what its learning yourself anf learning life, and you never stop learning, you have to work hard at everythign you do including relationships, you just have to tell yourself you can do it and be your biggest fan becuase if you are not noone is going to do it for you

i am soooo sorry this is so long but if you even need advice just om me and im not on here often but you can also email me at
sgutierrez@bakercorp.com
i am not a pycologist in fact i cant even spell it
but i have been there and i can help you out if needed, just take some time and do not let this person get to you, i mean who is she to ruin your day now come on lift your head and lets get this day started with a smile