Rather complicated

[Tink]

My ds will be 21 in a couple weeks. He's far too young to want to be tied down in a relationship yet and is feeling smothered by the one he's in. He had dated Shannon for a few months, then they broke up. A couple weeks later "friends" kind of pushed them back together. They broke up again and Joel wanted this to be the end of it.

One night Joel got a frantic call from Shannon asking him to come rescue her. She'd been raped and needed someone to help her get out of the city she was in. So he went and picked her up, and brought her home with him since she really has no home to go to. (Her adoptive mom kicked her out when she was 17 and Dads in VA and seems not to care)

So anyway, she's been with us for a couple months, and Joel's not happy about it, but feels trapped because she has no job, and no family or friends who will take her in. Greg and I have been supporting her along with our own 2.

We need to get her out of here, but seriously don't know how we're going to do it. She's not hard to have around, but has no marketable skills at all. She speaks so softly that people have trouble hearing her. She has no physical strength, has never been allowed to do any kind of work, and not to be nasty, but she's not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

She came to us with mountains of expensive rather sleezy clothes. She wears very short skirts and tiny camis year around. She can usually be found sitting under a blanket on our couch. If I am doing a project, she doesn't seem to mind helping, but I have to teach her how to do absolutely everything. She can't cook, had never loaded a dishwasher, wore out before I did when we were planting bulbs, etc.

I like her well enough, but seriously have no idea how she's going to get through life without some major help. She doesn't have a lot other than her looks (she's very pretty) going for her. She doesn't have her HS diploma yet.

So how do we get her moved out of our house without putting her at risk? She turned 19 today and is really on her own.

[goofywife]

Wow, what a sad situation. It sounds like she needs some help. In our family everyone pulls there weight. Whether it is to get a job and make money or have responsibilities around the house. It sounds like she does not have any direction and everyone is allowing her to stay that way.

She needs a plan. In order to make a plan, she needs to decide what she wants to do. It is time for someone to have some frank conversations with her and her set some goals to get out on her own and stand on her oen two feet. It doesn't have to be ulgy, but it has to be a united front with everyone in the house understanding what has to happen and stick to it.

Maybe your Pastor could help too.

Good luck.

[highlans]

Really she need to have a job that will come with room amd board but as you say if she is not very bright. Would she be any good as say a nanny?.
Good luck with this one.

[Janet]

Tink this is tough!! Check with the school, library and Chamber of Commerce to see what is available to help her. It would help if she would start with her GED. She needs to be given responsiblility and until she is out of your house, give her a list of things that need done. Show her one time and let her do it. She needs to earn her keep. Maybe she could start with a part-time job.

I would think you and her could sit and have a woman to woman talk. I respect you so much Tink that I know you'll be able to aim her in the right direction.

[Tink]

Thanks ladies.
I have tried the local school dist. and they refused to take her since she was 18, not native to the area and we're not her legal guardians. She was doing a correspondence high school, but since she hasn't had money to pay her monthly fees, they've quit sending her work. We can't afford to pay it for her and her parents won't.


I talked this morning with the woman she lived with for the past year. She said Shannon was supposed to have paid rent and helped with housework and such, which she hadn't been doing, so she refuses to take her back either. Shannon and her daughter, who has since moved out to live in a different state, were close friends.

Katie and Shannon have become good friends, so Katie is willing to help her out. Katie has been invited to move in with a male friend who was recently given a house in town, so she said she can ask if they'd mind Shannon moving in too. It's a 5 bedroom house, so is big enough, but of course she'd have to find a job to support herself there too. It would at least be a place for her to live until she can get her self together. I hope it works, but have no clue how it will end. I only know I dread this, as I know it's going to be hard for all of us.

[AngieDoogles]

There are several jobs that I think she might be able to do. Though the pay wouldn't be great, it would be better than nothing. Have you looked into local fast food restaurants like McDonald's. They will probably hire her as a lobby person to clean off tables and sweep and such. She might also be able to work for some kind of housecleaning agency. Or maybe a grocery store. Good luck Tink. This sounds like a very difficult position for you and your son to be in. I hope everything works out alright.

[Janet]

I too want to wish you the best of luck. I know this has to be so hard for you. But she's old enough to start taking some responsibility for herself. She's still young, but when you have to step up to the plate, sometimes it's the best thing to help one grow up a little bit.

I also wanted to add that besides the fast food industry, there are motels that need service people, places like Village Pantry, gas station clerks, floral shops need people to help plant and transplant, there are soooo many places she could go and be successful.

[AngieDoogles]

I just thought of another possibility. Is there a modeling agency in your city that you know of? You mentioned that she is pretty, so I'm sure they would be able to use her and she'd probably enjoy it.

[Mandy]

That is a tough situation to be in. My thoughts & prayers are with you Tink, and i hope this will be sorted out very soon!

[Chandra Amaya]

I have a hard time holding people responsible for their own life. For one my ex-husband, He did not have a supportive family. His real father was an alcoholic who drank himself to death. His mother...well its hard to explain. She wasn't physically abusive but it was like ...she just never cared..about anything but herself. He was never shown love. Family just meant very little to them. He is now a deadbeat dad to my middle two children. I made excuses for him for the longest time. BUT he is now turning 30, I'm over making excuses. At some point we have to stop blaming our childhood for our problems, grow up & become our own person. Yes I still am saddened that people have bad childhoods & I know it can be harder when you have. But it sounds like she may be the same way. She's 19 now. It's time for her to grow up, let go of her past & become her own person. I went to the local college, paid $25 & took my GED. One problem I see is that YOU have called all the places for her. She needs to take responsibility for herself. I applaud you for helping Tink but she really needs to take some responsibility. Then look for someone like you to encourage & support her (not the way you have been but by telling her she can do things or she is making good decisions). I know this sounds crude but if she doesn't start now, when? When she is 30, 40 or 50 will someone still need to "raise" her like a child?

[judy]

I think you're doing the right thing by opening up your home to her, and so is Katie,
and your son. She sounds like she's really needy though and you might have to be prepared for a complicated ending.

My friend did a similar thing when her son brought home his very needy girlfriend. She did finally have to get her out because she was unable to carry her own weight. My friend, however, felt like at least she tried to help her, and maybe she did to a point. She has no regrets and her son is now out, living on his own with a wonderful girl.