04-30-2008, 10:16 AM | #1 |
Donating 4WT Yakker
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Denver, NY
Posts: 8,097
|
Jessie is mad at me, and there's nothing I can do!
When I went to look at the townhouses last week, I called Jessie when I got home She seems to "pick" at wherever I choose, or talk about. I called her that
night and asked her what was going on. She told me that she wants me to wait, find a home that I love, don't get taken advantage of, etc. I felt good after that. It's nice that she cares so much. Yesterday morning, I got another call from her - it seems that she really is angry at me because she wants me to live closer to her. She's not feeling great at the moment, my grandson is having a lot of learning problems, the baby got some Needs Improvement on her report card, the older one is in 5th grade and her work is getting harder. She'd like me to live really close by so that I can "assist" her with the children, come over if she's not feeling well so that she lie down, be available so that she can visit me, and generally be available to share their lives with them. She is overwhelmed - the house is huge, she has 3 kids, 5 dogs and she does have MS. She got to the point of yelling sat me that she can't believe that I wouldn't want to jump right in, since I got a second chance, and live near her so that I can share their lives with them. How could I choose a pool and less cloudy weather over her and my grandchildren? I briefly tried to explain to her that I've always had my own life, especially since she and I haven't been on good terms for all these past years. I also tried to tell her that parents with grown children know that they must live their own lives. Children move, get married, and have their own concerns. After that I just shut up because she doesn't agree, and that's that. She said that she can't believe that, especially because she's sick, I'm not jumping to live close to her and help her. She used her illness a lot! She kept saying that she's not going to stop talking to me, that she loves me, but that she can't understand how I could choose to live 1 1/2 hours away. She ended the conversation with the fact that it's not my problem. She realized, as she was talking to me, that it's her problem. I am who I am and she should just learn to live with who I am, and that she loves me and respects me. She wanted to hang up because she was all upset and there was nothing else to say. She said she'd call today, but she hasn't. I'm so afraid that she won't call! This has always been an issue between us. She wants a different kind of mother, and I'm not that woman. I am so tired of being yelled at for my "shortcomings" as a mother! The reality is, however, that I am not the mother she wanted, and also that I'm not going to change. This fact keeps driving a wedge between us. Her expectations keep getting in the way, as does my need to live my own life. Maybe I am selfish - I don't know. I've had to learn to live my own life since I was a child, and I like it. I kept thinking while she was berating me for not wanting to be the kind of mother she wants me to be, that "No - I don't want to live near her and share their lives." I don't want to be at her beck and all. I don't see an hour and a half as a major distance if she needs me. I didn't say this, but if she did become really sick again, I can sell my condo and move up there anyway. I think she would eat me alive if I lived close to her. I also love my freedom. It's not her business what I'm up to all the time, and I surely don't want her to think that I'm always available to help them out. They have a long history of taking advantage of those who try to do that! I think that the truth is that no matter where I live, I will never make her happy because I'm just not the kind of mother she wants. Maybe it's a good thing that this came up. Maybe we can establish a more realistic relationship, based on who both of us really are. Like I said, I'm just afraid she won't call. Life is not easy.
__________________
Judy |
04-30-2008, 10:37 AM | #2 |
KAT'S KRAZY KORNER
Donating Member |
Judy,
I understand what you're saying, this is your time now. I was angry at my Mom for moving to California when my kids where little, but now that I'm older, I understand, she was entitled to her own life and if I needed her she was just a phone call away. You're not selfish at all...... Pete used to always say to the girls, "I raised my kids, now it's your turn."
__________________
A friend accepts us as we are yet helps us to be what we should. Kat |
04-30-2008, 12:39 PM | #3 |
Donating 4WT 4000 Club Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Who cares!
Posts: 4,587
|
Come here, you need a big hug
My thoughts are with you!
__________________
Many people will walk in and out your life, but only true friends leave footprints! |
04-30-2008, 01:29 PM | #4 |
Moderator
Donating 4WT 18K Club Member |
Oh Judy, I know you're not needing advice, just venting, but I sure wish I could give you a big hug.
You and Jessie sound like my mom and me only in reverse. I hope it helped some by typing it all out. Sometimes I feel it's better than talking it out...because I can reread what I wrote. I hope you continue to be you and not let anyone or anything change that...you're a great friend.
__________________
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. ECCLESIASTES 3:1 |
04-30-2008, 02:27 PM | #5 |
Moderator
Donating 4WT 13K Club Member Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Kansas
Posts: 16,069
|
I think that you've had a great plan all along. Moving close but not too close to your daughter is a well thought out plan. You can be there in a jiffy for anything major and pick when you think that you're needed to be there for the other times. It sounds like your daughter's felling the effects of MS right now and is tired of everything that she's dealing with and is taking it out on you. I say that you should stick to your plan. You thought it through when there wasn't any pressure and decided what would be best for you.
__________________
*´¨) ¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨) (¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Diana Baker ✞ You and I are friends.......
Always remember that if you fall I will pick you up...... After I stop laughing!!! |
04-30-2008, 03:10 PM | #6 | |
Donating 4WT Yakker
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Denver, NY
Posts: 8,097
|
Quote:
Diana, I know she's feeling especially overwhelmed right now, and I should just take it as that, but she pushed some buttons. I'm so tired of her thinking that I don't do enough. It really hurts and then it turns intro anger on my part. She also has a history of not calling me for a long time after one of us gets angry at the other, and I'm so scared that she'll go another 3 years. She's also supposed to come into Manhattan tomorrow to the doctor and I was going to meet her in the city. I really do need all of your hugs!
__________________
Judy |
|
04-30-2008, 03:16 PM | #7 | |
4WT 500 Club Member
|
Quote:
__________________
Traci |
|
04-30-2008, 03:48 PM | #8 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 808
|
awww, you poor thing! Do NOT let her guilt you for living your own life. I'm afraid she would really take advantage of you if you lived closer and that is just not right. You've raised your children and there is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself....you've earned it. I'm sorry your daughter has MS, that really sucks, but it doesn't mean you have to drop everything and wait on her hand and foot. I hope it all works out for you!
__________________
TERI Of course I'm in shape. Isn't round a shape? |
04-30-2008, 04:16 PM | #9 |
Moderator
Donating 4WT 13K Club Member Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Kansas
Posts: 16,069
|
{{{{{{Judy}}}}}}
__________________
*´¨) ¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨) (¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Diana Baker ✞ You and I are friends.......
Always remember that if you fall I will pick you up...... After I stop laughing!!! |
04-30-2008, 04:20 PM | #10 | |
Donating 4WT 4000 Club Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 6,509
|
Quote:
Judy, you are an amazing woman and a great mother. It is evident in your posts how much you love your daughter and she is lucky to have you in her life, no matter how close or far away you are! I think it's great that you aren't going to let her take advantage of you, but you will still be close enough to be there if she does truly need you. Don't feel guilty for taking care of yourself! (HUGS)
__________________
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." ~MT |
|
04-30-2008, 04:46 PM | #11 |
Donating 4WT 2000 Club Member
|
{{{Judy}}} I fully agree with the others. I know if she really needs you, you'll be there in a heartbeat. It's not fair of her to expect you to give up your life for her though. Having MS sucks, but your being there isn't going to bring it on or make it go away. Just do what you're comfortable doing and she will have to accept that.
__________________
'A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want in.. And how many want out.' England 's Prime Minister Tony Blair' |
04-30-2008, 04:58 PM | #12 |
Moderator
Donating 4WT 18K Club Member |
Lova ya lots Judy!!! {{{{{{Judy}}}}}
__________________
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. ECCLESIASTES 3:1 |
04-30-2008, 06:49 PM | #13 |
Donating 4WT 2000 Club Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: South Texas
Posts: 4,907
|
Judy, just wanted you to know that I agree with the others. I mean, you are trying very hard to move much closer and be more available. You shouldn't have to live in the same town. There us such thing as being just close enough, and it sounds like this is your plan. You know better than us what is best for you and your situation. We are here for you and are all doing the best we can to give you lots and lots of sincere hugs!!!
__________________
Marilyn If anyone would like a free Bible Study CD or book entitled "Searching for Truth", PM me with your mailing address and I'll send you one. "And you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free." John 8:32
|
04-30-2008, 07:41 PM | #14 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 668
|
Hugs to you Judy. You are in a tough situation. In the end someone will always be unhappy. I think 1.5 is a great distance, she's lucky to have you that close!! Obviously, my opinion isn't your daughters, but I hope she finds some peace in your decision, and I hope you can too....
__________________
Taurus Babe aka Thorsmomma |
05-01-2008, 09:31 AM | #15 |
Donating 4WT Yakker
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Denver, NY
Posts: 8,097
|
I'm so mad and hurt, I'm ready to spit fire! Jessie called this morning, which I was very relieved about. However, the discussion that we had did not turn out very well. To make a long story very short - she feels that if I don't move near her and help her and the children, because she has MS, then I don't love her enough. She's offering me so much - to be a part of her life and her family's life - to be a hands-on Grandma instead of somebody who just visits. So what if I don't have a pool. Look what I'll be getting. I can come and pick Mackenzie up and take her to the library if Jessie needs to go lie down. I told her that this has been a lifelong problem between us, and that she has always felt that way. I told her that she got the wrong mother and that I'm so tired of hearing about how I don't give her what she needs. I said that this is who I am, and always was, and that maybe it's time that she just stopped looking at her own expectations and see me for who I really am, and to love me for that. I also told her that she cannot say that I don't love her enough - how does she know what I feel? Don't base my feelings on her expectations or what she would do. I also asked her what would happen to our relationship if I decide not to move near her"? She won't end the relationship, but she'll be very hurt. It will mean that I don't love her enough because I'm not willing to sacrifice. All she wants me to do is to take my time and think about what she's asking me to do. She feels that our relationship has not worked in the past because of this issue and that I should change. I asked her why doesn't she change? She wants to, but can't. Okay - I believe that this is how she feels. I also don't want that kind of relationship with her. I'll become her maid. How dare she tell me "so what if you don't have a pool?" She bought the house of her dreams. I'm way too young at heart to live the kind of life she has in mind for me. I have and want my own life, my own time, my own choices, freedom and privacy. I do not want to become part of any body's life and family when they can say to me that if i don't, I don't love her enough, and so what if I don't have a pool. I feel like telling her to forget the whole thing and that I'm staying right here where I live now. Oh and she told me that id I move 1 1/2 hours away from her, I might as well move to North Carolina. Sorry about the crazy typing, but my mouse broke.
__________________
Judy |
Bookmarks |
|
|