Venting--Thanksgiving and In-laws!!

[DianaB]

Today we had our Thanksgiving meal with my husband's family. Not just his family but with his aunts, uncles, and cousins. This is a very difficult family for me to be around because they are very clannish and opinionated. I've learned to keep my mouth shut and just try to get along.

One of my husband's cousins married a girl that I went to school with and so we usually talk some. Well, today we got to talking and her MIL (my husband's aunt) hasn't spoken to her in a year over some silly little thing. I welcomed her to my group because her MIL has been on my case too about not being at their Thanksgiving dinners. I was informed that she knew because I was REALLY talked about bad about by her MIL.

Now this family gets together for a picnic the day before EVERY Easter and for Christmas Eve and, of course, Thanksgiving (this year they planned it earlier). We ALWAYS go to the other two hollidays, but for Thanksgiving either we stay home with all of our kids and grandkids, or we go to Texas where all of my aunts, uncles, and cousins get together (they get together every two years and we usually don't go).

Anyway, this aunt is upset with me because she thinks that I keep my husband from going and being with his family, which isn't the truth. My husband enjoys being with our own family and staying home for a holiday. I don't MAKE him stay home. If he wants to go, he can. This has been going on for 4-5 years, every year!! She calls and asks us to come and I tell her that we probably won't be there but if we do come it will only be to visit, not for the meal, and then my husband never feels like getting out and going.

I've ALWAYS had problems with my husband's side of the family!!! I hope that everyone else has wonderful in-laws that they enjoy being around!! Thanks for letting me go on I really just needed to let off some steam!!!!!! This year maybe I'll be off the hook since me AND my husband, both showed up!!!!

[khardy57]

You have my sympathy. It sounds like a lose, lose situation. I don't think it'd matter if ya'll went or not, they'd find something to talk about. Some people can't be pleased no matter what.

[DianaB]

Thanks for your comment. The dumb part is that we live in the same community with most of his family so we see them all around. His aunt has just gotten a burr in her bonnet and just won't let go of it. I'm probably in trouble today because I talked to her daughter-in-law. As you said "it's a lose-lose situation", but I'm not worrying over it. I'm just sorry that she has to be this way. The family is already difficult and this makes going to their family things harder for me.

[Janet]

I'm glad we don't have that much problem with my in-laws. The one I really care about, we see and talk with each other frequently, the others live out of state and it's wonderful. It's up to them to come home for the holidays...if they don't, the fewer the merrier!!! LOL

[Mandy]

Sorry to hear you have probs. with your inlaws... your definatly not the only one, so don't feel bad! Some people you can just never please no matter what you do, they always have something to say

[Taurus Babe]

Sorry you are having these problems with your husband's side of the family. It's sad that they are being like towards you, but just remember, you married your husband, and as long as your love stay strong, it'll be fine!

[magnolia]

I'm so sorry to read of the problems you're having with your in-laws. Evidently, they aren't seeing the fact that it's not YOU but both you and your husband who don't make these trips but they are blaming you for his not going. As we get older in life and have our own families, we want to spend the holidays with them.

As a child, we were always at my grandparents for Thanksgiving and Christmas. We'd get up on Christmas morning, see what Santa brought us and while we were playing with our new toys, my dad was loading the car and my mom was taking down the christmas tree. Then, when all that was done, it was time to go. My brother and sisters could pick one new toy (and nothing big) to take with us, the rest had to stay behind until we returned a week later!!! As much as I enjoyed seeing my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousings, to a child leaving behind new toys was upsetting. As I got older, I vowed I would never do that to any children I may have.....and so far, I held true to that! We spend either the week-end before Christmas or after the new year with my in-laws but Christmas is spent at home. As for Thanksgiving, we've been with my mother-in-law once in the 14 years we've been living where we are now and it was a nightmare!! She wanted ALL of her family to stay with her!! There were 8 adults, not counting her, and at that time, 6 grandkids - in a 2 bedroom, 1 bath house!! I think NOT! And she had the nerve to get mad at all of us because we had gotten hotel rooms!! There was no way we were all going to be comfortable in that situation.

I know it upsets you and bothers you but try not to let it. After all this time, the family is going to say what they want about the absence of you and your husband at get-togethers. You are spending time with your own family, making lasting memories with them - that's reason enough to smile

[Janet]

Originally Posted by magnolia

I'm so sorry to read of the problems you're having with your in-laws. Evidently, they aren't seeing the fact that it's not YOU but both you and your husband who don't make these trips but they are blaming you for his not going. As we get older in life and have our own families, we want to spend the holidays with them.

As a child, we were always at my grandparents for Thanksgiving and Christmas. We'd get up on Christmas morning, see what Santa brought us and while we were playing with our new toys, my dad was loading the car and my mom was taking down the christmas tree. Then, when all that was done, it was time to go. My brother and sisters could pick one new toy (and nothing big) to take with us, the rest had to stay behind until we returned a week later!!! As much as I enjoyed seeing my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousings, to a child leaving behind new toys was upsetting. As I got older, I vowed I would never do that to any children I may have.....and so far, I held true to that! We spend either the week-end before Christmas or after the new year with my in-laws but Christmas is spent at home. As for Thanksgiving, we've been with my mother-in-law once in the 14 years we've been living where we are now and it was a nightmare!! She wanted ALL of her family to stay with her!! There were 8 adults, not counting her, and at that time, 6 grandkids - in a 2 bedroom, 1 bath house!! I think NOT! And she had the nerve to get mad at all of us because we had gotten hotel rooms!! There was no way we were all going to be comfortable in that situation.

I know it upsets you and bothers you but try not to let it. After all this time, the family is going to say what they want about the absence of you and your husband at get-togethers. You are spending time with your own family, making lasting memories with them - that's reason enough to smile

Your post sounded so much like my family. Hubby's side never made any demands. His Dad and StepMom left it up to the kids when to come for the holidays. They always had Thanksgiving on Thanksgiving Day and if the kids could come, fine, if not fine. We never had the gossipy rude remarks with hubby's side either. His sister is really the only one I don't care for and she feels the same about me, but we get along. I enjoyed the holidays with hubby's side much more than with mine. There was no drama or competition among anyone.

Now my side of the family...totally different. My mother (please know I do love my Mom) is the most selfish, self centered person I have ever met. She has to have things her way and pouts and carrys on like a 3 year old. No, it's not her age (83) she has always been this way. I use to get so sick on the holidays, but it was just nerves. She threw an absolute fit when my son was born and we decided to stay home Christmas morning, even though we opened presents on Christmas eve at her house. She doesn't like change and last year when I prepared the Thanksgiving meal at our house for his side, she was not happy. Even though she knew there was no one on his side that could. His father had just passed, step mom in nursing home and no one else had the room. She's not liking it this year either. Holidays have never been a "good" think for me, but I try my best to make my son's holidays the most memorable that I can. Okay, I guess that's enough about me........

[2tiredmom]

Holiday's. Since we moved 4 years ago my little brother and his new wife are having Thanksgiving at their house. Along with all of her family. This will be the first one without my mom. I don't like going to my brothers house. His wife is very very opionated. She has 4 girls ages 18, 17, 15, and 4. My brother has a son 17 and a daughter 15. They live in a 3 bedroom home with 1 bathroom.
I hate it. All they do is brag about all the girls and their boyfriends. The oldest girl
is dating a sophmore in high school and the 17 year old's boyfriend just moved in.
So this should be a wonderful year. Needless to say we won't stay long.
My husbands mom will be having supper at her house. That will be another sad affair. It will be the first year with out his dad. And the sister in law from down below where the fire is. SO I can't wait till it's over and I'm back home.
But I need to count my blessings. I do have many...........

[Emmsmom]

Sadly when problems come up like this it is the wife is usually always to blame! Unless they are his inlaws like in my case. My mother HATES my husband and also says HE is the reason I don't come around anymore. That couldn't be farther from the truth. You haveevery right to visit your side of the family as well. I really wouldn't let this bother you. I know easier said than done... Sometimes you just have to face it your damned if you do and damned if you don't!! Enjoy your kids and grandkids and ignore the rest. ((HUGS))

[Janet]

Maybe one way to help ease the tensions when you can make certain family activities or holidays is to let him speak with his family and you speak with yours. Don't know if that would help or not, but it might.

[DianaB]

Originally Posted by Emmsmom

Sadly when problems come up like this it is the wife is usually always to blame! Unless they are his inlaws like in my case. My mother HATES my husband and also says HE is the reason I don't come around anymore. That couldn't be farther from the truth. You haveevery right to visit your side of the family as well. I really wouldn't let this bother you. I know easier said than done... Sometimes you just have to face it your damned if you do and damned if you don't!! Enjoy your kids and grandkids and ignore the rest. ((HUGS))

Thanks, Emmsmom!! Actually, my family loves my husband. If we were to ever get a divorce (not likely) they would probably keep him and get rid of me!!! He's a sweetheart.

My family is very accepting of other people. On the other hand, his family is very clannish and doesn't accept other people very well. My husband has even noticed the difference between the two families and prefers my family over his. His family has a hard time accepting the people who are married into the family and prefer to only do things with each other.

We don't invite my husband's sister to stay with us anymore because of the way that I was left out of her activities (not that I wanted to go, but it would have been nice to have been asked). My husband witnessed an exchange with her in which she had a whole list of reasons why I couldn't go on an outing with her and some other family. When she doesn't stay here she can't hurt my feelings by making me feel left out.

I've been married into this family for 32 years and I've learned to just get along with them. I try to stay away from them so I don't get my feelings hurt. They don't realize that they don't treat other people very good because this is the way they were brought up. I just take comfort in my own family and try to spend time with them. Every time I have to go to one of their gatherings I get stressed out and really dread going. I'm sure that there are families that are a lot worse to be around and that I probably wouldn't trade places with anyone else and their in-laws!!!!!

Originally Posted by Janet

Maybe one way to help ease the tensions when you can make certain family activities or holidays is to let him speak with his family and you speak with yours. Don't know if that would help or not, but it might.

That is a great idea!! This is what I try to do. We try hard to "split the time" as best we can but we live near my H's family and mine are a 9 hour car ride aways so we don't see them as much. When the opportunity arises for us to see my family we usually take it because we spend birthdays, Easters, etc with those who are local.

My in laws and my entire H's family are very conservative and I am very liberal. With the recent political scene the way it's been, things can get strained if anyone brings up politics. I am not one to not speak my mind so i have to be very careful this year to "keep it zipped"!!!

[Kimberley]

Well, you won't be able to change their mind about anything. Because you aren't their "blood", you will be blamed for everything. I know that's the way it is over here so I just ignore it. It's hard at times, but why worry yourself over it. All that will do is get you down. Hang in there.