[rivermom]

I sit here w/ hands on keyboard not even knowing what to say. You ladies have given already such heartfelt words of encouragment, and care. I really do appreciate it.

My life has been very difficult at times - times when I just wanted to give up, throw in the towel. But I pushed forward knowing I can "fix it".

My struggles through Robert's cancer is I can't make it better for him, I can't "fix it". I know I want to be there for him every step of the way by his side. Supporting him, caring for him, and seeing him through each step.

I have to admit - the overwhelming feelings of this all has taken it's toll on me. Yesterday I pulled into the parking lot of my doctor's with screeching tires. Running in to their office I said if someone doesn't help me I'm going to have a nervous breakdown.

It seems easier when it's your ownself having life's troubles. But when you watch a loved one experience such fear, such pain, and suffering it was more than I physically and mentally could handle. I realized that with my own minds placement I was unable to care for him they way he needs me to. I felt as if I was failing and was only a burden to him. The doctor prescribed me some chill pills and I pray when they actually start kicking in.

I want to be positive - I want to push forward and see him through this - Through sickness and in health is one of my marriage promises that I wont let slack.

This morning when I woke up and watched the sunrise over coffee I made myself a promise that if it was ever I who came up with cancer I would let it ride it's course. I will not ever go through treatment as Robert is, nor will I try to fight it.

I have had a beautiful life whom has watched my kids grow. I have met a wonderful man whom I care for more than myself. His happiness is greater than myown.

Situations in life puts more into perspective, it makes the picture more clear.

Take each day - notice the small wonders around each of us - and not expect ever for it to continue.