Funny Quote for the Day.

[katcarasella]

~Saturday~May 10th~Quotes

Roseanne Barr Quotes:

A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

Excuse the mess but we live here.

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people... that's why I don't like any of them.

I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids. I think I must have been Adolf Hitler in a past life.

I was completely nuts for most of my life.

It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.

My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.

The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.

There's a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.

[Janet]

Roseanne is one of my favorites. I still love watching her reruns.

[teri88]

Me too! My daughter and I love to watch the old reruns and we just howl with laughter!

[katcarasella]

~HAPPY MOTHERS DAY~SUNDAY~ MAY 11~

The worst feature of a new baby is its mother's singing.
More funny Kin Hubbard quotes

***You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
More funny Captain Penny's Law quotes

***Only mothers can think of the future-because they give birth to it in their children.
More funny Maxim Gorky quotes

***My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
More funny Bob Monkhouse quotes

***My mom was a garage sale person, save money. Come on in to the garage sale, you might find a shirt. She'd get in that garage sale and point stuff out to you. There's a good fork for a nickel. Yeah, that's beautiful. It's a little high. If it were three cents I'd snap it up.
More funny Louie Anderson quotes

***If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
More funny Milton Berle quotes

***
A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.
Peter De Vries

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
Phyllis Diller

Women's Liberation is just a lot of foolishness. It's the men who are discriminated against. They can't bear children. And no one's likely to do anything about that.
Golda Meir

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.
Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest"

When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child.
Sophia Loren, "Women and Beauty"

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.
Aristotle

A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest.
Irish Proverb

God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers.
Jewish Proverb

You don't really understand human nature unless you know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at his parents every time around - and why his parents will always wave back.
William D. Tammeus

Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn't have anything to do with it.
Haim Ginott

[katcarasella]

~Monday~May 12th~Funny Quotes~

"I call everyone 'Darling' because I can't remember their names."
Zsa Zsa Gabor

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?"
Linda Ellerbee

"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman."
Margaret Thatcher

"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then."
Katharine Hepburn

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country."
Elaine Boosler

"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night."
Marie Corelli

"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch."
Gilda Radner

"Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid."
Hedy Lamarr

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
Marion Pearson

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."
Zsa Zsa Gabor

[teri88]

very funny! I love your new avatar!

[DianaB]

I loved them, Kat!!!!

[katcarasella]

~Tuesday~May 13th~Funny Quote


1. Melanie Griffith
There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart.

2. Anonymous
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

3. Woody Allen
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

4. Woody Allen
The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

5. Freud
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What... does a woman want?"

6. Samuel Johnson
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

7. Woody Allen
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down.

8. Agatha Christie
An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

9. Albert Einstein
Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.

[Chandra Amaya]

If I'd observed all the rules, I'd never have got anywhere.

I'm very definitely a woman and I enjoy it.

I don't know who invented high heels, but all women owe him a lot

I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it.

I'm trying to find myself as a person, sometimes that's not easy to do. Millions of people live their entire lives without finding themselves. But it is something I must do. The best way for me to find myself as a person is to prove to myself that I am an actress.

I am trying to prove to myself that I am a person. Then may be I'll convince myself that I'm an actress.

People respect you because they feel you've survived hard times and endured, and although you've become famous, you haven't become phony

Creativity has got to start with humanity and when you're a human being, you feel, you suffer.

A career is wonderful thing, but you can't snuggle up to it on a cold night.
A career is born in public -- talent in privacy.

Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul.

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.


All by Marilyn Monroe

[katcarasella]

~Wednesday~May 14th~Quotes

Nancy Reagan, political activist
A woman is like a tea bag. She only knows her strength when put in hot water.

Aristotle, philosopher
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

James Thurber, American humorist
I hate women because they always know where things are.

Malcolm de Chazal, Mauritian writer
A woman knows how to keep quiet when she is in the right, whereas a man, when he is in the right, will keep on talking.

Jules Michelet, French historian
Woman is a miracle of divine contradictions.

Freya Stark, author
The great and almost only comfort about being a woman is that one can always pretend to be more stupid than one is and no one is surprised.

Gloria Steinem, American feminist
Someone once asked me why women don't gamble as much as men do and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don't have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women's total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.

[katcarasella]

~Thursday~May 15th~Quotes~

Blessed are the cheesemakers for they shall get their whey.

Daytime TV is incentive to get a job.

Monday's special: two Valiums with a coffee chaser.

We cannot learn and appear perfect at the same time.

No one ever stood out for being the same.

The more you know, the less you learn.

It's always something and it's generally expensive.

Some people don't like food going to waist.

Never argue with your doctor. He has inside information.

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man who can't get his pants off.

When it comes to telling her age, she's shy.....about ten years shy.

What if your mother really IS right..... about everything?

Reality is just where our worlds overlap.

Just because I'm moody doesn't mean you're not irritating.

Have you ever seen a plumber bite his nails?

Taxes, taxes, taxes. . . I thought this was the land of the free!

[katcarasella]

~Friday~May 16th~Quotes~

Examples of Murphy's Law

• Your lost needle will be found by your husband when he is walking around barefoot.
• The worst pupil in any class will be a school governor's son.
• Uniforms only come in two sizes, too large and too small.
• Vital documents that were posted with no errors, will develop errors in the mail.
• The other queue always moves faster.
• In order to get a bank loan, you must first prove that you don't need the money.
• The classic example of Murphy's law: If you drop a piece of toast it always falls buttered side down.

[katcarasella]

~Saturday~May 17th~Quotes

Husbands' Quotes

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrup ther.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "I wish I had your will power."

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying.

[Janet]

I have really enjoyed reading all these jokes and one liners. Some are so funny, others are surprisingly true....LOL

[DianaB]

I've enjoyed them too. Thanks, Kat!!!