Disappointed in my mom

[Lindsey]

I don't want to keep beating this over the head because I know a lot of people think I'm wrong, but I KNOW that if I didn't say something that extreme that she wouldn't even try. I know my mom better than anyone, and she is the most stubborn person I know. Nothing would make her try unless it was something drastic. Even on the boat with my dad, he agreed it's the only thing that would work. My dad stopped smoking while my mom was still a smoker. My grandparents all stopped. It's NOT impossible.

She's now 3 days in, we have called each other every day (twice today) and she feels fantastic and hasn't even had a craving for a cigarette. My dad went to the city today to get her another package of patches, and they're following them to a T. My dad is all of a sudden being really supportive of her too. He's sharing with her what helped him when he stopped smoking, and what helped my grandpa (mints!), and I don't think he's going to back down so easily and say "Okay just go buy some cigarettes" this time like he did last time. He might say "Let's try putting on another patch until you're ready" And I know it has only been a few days but she is already feeling better. She's not having the extreme ups and downs that you get while smoking... going down down down until you get your dose of nicotine and then straight up.... then down down down until your next smoke. Even in her voice she seems happier and more upbeat. She and my dad have gone to the lake to golf every evening this week!

I guess the patches are supposed to last for 3 months. So by Christmas she will hopefully at least have herself out of the habit of having a cigarette in her hand, and going out to smoke a few times a day. I think it's really good for helping her get a new routine without also dealing with the intense withdrawl symptoms.

I can really say now that I AM proud of my mom. I have total faith that she will beat this. It wasn't the first try, it might not be the second try, but she WILL quit.

[Marilyn]

Lindsey, you know what is best for your family, and sounds like it's working. YAAAAAA!!! So hope she sticks with it and you have a wonderful Christmas together!!

[Blueyes]

I'm so glad your mom is doing well! She must be so proud of herself. It just makes a person feel better to know that they are doing what really is best for them, especially when it's so very hard.

[gja1000]

Lindsay, I'm so glad to hear that your mom is trying so hard now! You must be proud of her. I've never smoked so I don't really understand. I hope she sticks with it!

[DianaB]

Lindsey, how's your Mom doing with her smoking? or should I say NOT smoking!!

[Lindsey]

She's still doing great! At the end of last week, Adam (I mentioned him in the first post, and he smokes constantly!) went golfing with my parents, and my mom said he didn't even smoke through the whole course, unless he did it away from her. I am so happy that other people are taking it seriously too!

[judy]

I have never forgiven my mother for not giving up her cigarettes Linds. She was sick my whole life with rheumatic fever, which affected her heart. She would often need an oxygen tank brought into the house. She would smoke in bed, right next to that tank! She could have blown up the whole house, with me in it!!!

She smoked until she died at the age of 56. Everyone catered to her and pampered her because she was sick, so they gave in to her smoking if she wanted to. She was in and out of the hospital, and I can understand their coddling her.

BUT, when I found out 2 years after she died, that the actual cause of her death was emphysema, I was furious! I still feel that way. She never told me that she had emphysema! My feeling is that she was so selfish that she didn't care enough about me to stop smoking. I was somewhere about your age when she died. Jessie was 14 months old. I needed a mother, and had needed a healthier mother my whole life.

So, right or wrong, rational, or not, I understand your feelings so well. I felt that if she loved me enough, she would have stopped smoking, so that I could have had a healthier mother, and maybe she could have lived a bit longer.

I know that is not the "right" way to feel, and that addiction overpowers people to the point where they don't think rationally about others. However, if I had expressed my feelings about how I felt to her, like you did to your mother, I know I would have felt better about it. She may not have stopped smoking in the end, but at least she would have known how much it hurt me. Keeping all of those feelings inside for so long was not at all good for me.

I hope she does stop, and I will be praying for her. I know you will work it out with her either way. You love her very much, but you have a right to tell her how you feel about things, and what you expect from her. What she does about it, is up to her. Like I said, I will be praying for her.

[Lindsey]

Thanks so much for your post Judy. I know it's tough but I really can't just sit back and say nothing to her. And I really feel that since our talk, we have gotten closer and I feel like she's being more honest with me now that I've been totally honest with her.
My mom also had rheumatic fever when she was a teenager. She was on bedrest for months and she has told me she basically had to re-learn how to walk when she got better. Your post just reminded me of that and I googled it. It looks like there's a 50% chance of it returning after any untreated infection... yet my mom has always refused to go to doctors!
In a way, her stroke has been a blessing in disguise. She recovered fully, but she knows she needs to see doctors regularly now. Before her stroke, her last doctor visit was to have a tumor removed from her abdomen 24 years ago. I think with so many major sicknesses she's had, she just feels that if she doesn't go to the doctor and doesn't KNOW about what could be wrong, then it won't bother her.