Disappointed in my mom

[Lindsey]

I took the last week off to visit my parents back home.

On the long weekend, my brother and his girlfriend, my uncle, and my grandma were all visiting my parents. Everything was going great! But I was sitting in one of the armchairs in the living room by the front door and I noticed something red behind the cushion. On closer inspection it was a package of cigarettes, the kind my mom used to smoke. I was upset obviously, but everyone was around and I didn't want to make a scene. After everyone was gone, I asked my mom "Why is there a package of cigarettes in the chair?" She was like "What? Where?" and I told her and she went out and came back and was like "It's empty, this is the kind Amanda smokes" (Amanda is her friend) and she was like "Don't worry it's not mine" and I felt better.

Saturday at the cabin, my dad's friend Adam came over (Amanda's husband) and I went outside. My mom had been coming out but I didn't see her, so I went back inside and saw her just walking out the back door. So I went back down to the fire pit and waited. About 5 minutes later she still didn't come around. So I went to the back and finally saw her out behind Adam's truck and she looked at me surprised and was like "What?" and I just said "I was wondering where you were.. what are you doing back here?" and she said "Nothing" and started walking quickly to the fire pit... I followed her and she reeked like smoke. I got upset, but she denied smoking. I didn't say anything until after Adam left, and I just stayed inside alone.

Finally she came to talk to me and said "Let's get something straight here. I can have a smoke every now and then when Adam and Amanda are around. I'm allowed to do that. I won't start smoking again. And for the record, I wasn't smoking just now" and I told her that NO, after having a stroke, ANY cigarettes will increase your chance of having another stroke, and she won't be as lucky as she was this time. Then she said she didn't have a stroke!!!!

I went fishing with my dad on Sunday, and he told me she did have a stroke, and he doesn't know what she's talking about. And he said she smokes every morning and every night, and a couple in between, but nothing like she used to. I got so mad. She has lied to me and hid it from me this whole time, telling me to my face she quit cold turkey and promised she'd never smoke again. Every time we talk I bring up how she quit and she sticks to the story she just stopped and never looked back and it wasn't hard at all. She actually only stopped for 4 days after the hospital. That's it. She didn't try the patches my dad bought her, she didn't try anything, just started smoking again. She doesn't think she has to stop. What's worse is everyone knew not to to tell me! So all these people I have bragged to about how I'm so proud of my mom, they all knew she didn't really do it. She's just hiding it from me so I wouldn't be upset.

So when I got home from fishing, I basically told her she will not see me again until she stops. And I said I'm serious. She said "Okay" and got up and walked away. Like it didn't even matter.

I cried because it hurts that my mom doesn't care about killing herself and how much danger she's really in and how much it hurts the rest of us.

Finally she wanted to talk and she was all "I'm not smoking very much" and I told her she didn't even try the patches and she was like "I didn't want to put that stuff in my body after a stroke" and I was like "And cigarettes are better??" and then I told her basically if she keeps doing this she won't last the next few years and she won't see me get married or have kids and I was just losing it... that part made her lose it too and she said she promises she'll quit sometime. I told her she already promised but that was a lie. She said no, she means it.

I'm sticking to my guns. My dad thinks I should just leave it and let her keep smoking if she wants to, but I love my mom and I care too much to just let it go on and let it keep hurting me to watch her smoke her way to another stroke. So I'm not going to see her. If she hasn't quit by Christmas, I'm not going home. I made it clear. My brother and I may be the only things she loves more than her cigarettes, but he isn't going to do anything about it. I will.

My dad called me yesterday morning and said my mom put on a patch.

[highlans]

I can sympathize with you here my mother had heart problems and was told to give up smoking. Many years ago my husband and father supported her to give up they succeeded but she at the time did not have the will power to give up. So carried on for about another 4 years thankfully one day she said enough and gave up. As to this day she will say she would like to go back but will not.

My in laws told us they had given up but we new they had not being a non smoker you can smell it straight away, they have both passed away within the past year with smoking related problems and whilst clearing out there house found evidence that they had never given up.

I have never smoked in my life so would not know how hard it would be but many say it is an addiction and like many addictions you have to have the will power.

I would say support you mum don't threaten not to see her as if any thing happened and you never saw her again you would never forgive your self.
May be write her a letter telling her how worried you are for her health and you love her and want her to see you with children and just hope one day she will have the will power like my mum. xxxx

[Blueyes]

OK Linds, you know I love you but here's what I think. Your mom will do what she has to do. If she does keep smoking, you most likely won't have her around as long as you want. Don't waste the time you have with her by staying away from her because she's not doing what you know she needs to do. Don't you see honey...you lose her either way. If you don't see her at Christmas, it's just a Christmas wasted that you could be together.

You are right, she should have been honest about her smoking with you from the beginning. But I'm sure in her mind, she was protecting you.

My mom has been gone for 3 years, and I miss her terribly every single day. She was my best friend, and we hardly ever even had a disagreement, much less a fight.

The main thing is, I just don't want you to have regrets...they are a hard thing to live with. Your mom knows how you feel about it and how much you love her. She has to decide for herself. Good luck sweetheart!

[Lindsey]

The thing is, she is trying now. If I pretended I didn't notice and if I let it go on like that, she would never try, because nobody else cares. She knows I care and I will support her now but when it felt like nobody else was on her side, that's when she just kept smoking.

[Blueyes]

I'm so glad she's trying! You know your mom better than anybody. Maybe she just needed that extra push from you. I wish her all the best

[Lindsey]

Thanks Betsi!
I called her last night to see how the patch was working and she said she was surprised she has to keep them on for 24 hours, and that she got a headache, but she'll keep using it. She is using the first step, but I think it may be too much nicotine. I told her maybe if she's getting headaches today too, she should try using her other ones (she has a box of step three as well, but no step two).

[Lindsey]

By the way, I think it really hit home when I told her that I'm so scared she won't be around to see me get married or have kids. She still has her mom, she had someone for support when she was married and pregnant. My mom is only in her 50's and has already been hospitalized for a stroke. I'm not ready to let go yet, and she knows how much it scares me now. I don't think anyone has said to her straight "If you keep doing this, you're going to die early" I don't think she told the doctor she started smoking again.

[Gina]

Lindsey that is a good sign that she is trying..Sh is an adult and knows right from wrong. You cannot make someone do something unless they truly want to do it themselves.

Putting the patch on is a big step I am sure for her. I was a smoker but I quit when I was a young girl like you. So I do not miss it , actually I hate it now.. You know your mom better and I think you did put fear into her, for every mom wants to live and see their children married with children.. So I hope she progresses with the patch and stops.. Good luck to her..

[gja1000]

Lindsay - please caution your mom NOT to smoke while wearing the patch - especially the stronger patch - doing both (patch and smoking) can be deadly!

[Shada]

I am sorry you are disappointed in your mom.

I understand exactly. Your side.. and her's. I am trying myself to quit smoking. It is a horrible disgusting habit. But it is a habit that is so hard to break. I want to quit for myself. I can't quit for anyone else. Nor can your mom. Support her. She knows how you feel. She knows smoking is bad for her. She knows she is taking a high risk with already having a stroke.
She knows you are disappointed in her. She knows you told her you will never see her again unless she quits.

But bottom line is, its not your choice. Its her choice. If a family member told me they would never see again because I smoke, I would be very upset and disappointed in them. I have friends and family who don't smoke. I respect their feelings and don't smoke when I am with them. Thats my choice. Its also my choice if I smoke when I am not around them.

Heart problems run in my family. So should I be smoking? Of course not. I know that. Does it help? No it doesn't.

If you have never smoked then you have no idea how hard it is to stop. I hope someday I will be able to quit completely. My smoking has gone down considerably. In time.. I hope to never smoke again.

I have had friends pass from heart attacks, cancer, that have never smoked.
I have a friend who had a stoke when she was 45 years old, yet she is not a smoker.

Alcohol is also bad for us. Yet many drink. Can cause cancer. Can cause death.
Do you drink? Does your mother approve?

All I am trying to say here, is that please don't cut your mom out of your life. Support her in whatever she decides to do. Let her know you are there for her. That you love her.

All of us have a vice. Smoking, drinking, eating.. we all have something going on in our lifes that we would love to change. But change is hard.

[Lindsey]

Gayle, I told my mom that tonight and she said she knows I asked if she's had an urge at all to smoke yet and she said no, and she didn't get any headaches today.

Shada... I have not smoked, nor will I ever, but I know many people with many different addictions and I do realize how hard it is to stop. Nicotine is a drug... even more addictive than cocaine or heroin... but it is legal. Nonetheless, it's still a drug, and it kills more people than alcohol, car accidents, suicide, AIDS, homicide, and illegal narcotics combined (according to the american cancer society).

I need my mom to know how much better she can feel without the cigarettes, how much more energy she can have, how she doesn't have to rely on nicotine to get through her day.

It's not like I've blocked her out of my life completely. It stresses ME out to have to be around her smoking and knowing what she's doing to herself. It stresses HER out to try to hide it from me whenever I'm around. We talk on the phone almost daily. I'm still supporting her. We don't live anywhere near each other so I'm not going out of my way to avoid her. I'm just not making special trips to see her unless she's making a real effort to kick the habit, which she now is.

To answer your question, I rarely drink. I never drink at home unless I have friends staying from out of town and I'll have a drink with them. The only other time is if I'm home visiting my parents. I don't go to bars anymore, and I start to get tipsy after 1 beer anyway so that's about my limit! So no, my mom has no problems with any alcohol consumption by me.

Since I was 17 I've known I have kidney problems... one of my kidneys is damaged and doesn't quite function at normal capacity. Because of this I am VERY careful about what I put in my body, I try to eat as healthily as I can and I avoid second-hand smoke. I've never touched drugs in my life. Since we figured out my kidney problems, my parents have stressed the importance of living a healthy life. I just want to stress the same importance back.

My mom's life is full of people who just say "Okay just go smoke then if you want to" but I'm never going to be one of those people. I understand she's probably going to take a few tries before she quits for good, but I want to be the one who can always encourage her to stop, that it's not okay to just keep smoking because it's too hard to quit. If that's how the world worked, there would be no rehab for anyone.

Just my thoughts.

[Janet]

I hope you're letting your Mom know how much you love her and that you're not too harsh. Smoking is such a hard habit to break. I've been smoke free 2 years the last of August. I won't ever smoke again, but there are times I want to so bad. That urge never goes away completely. I may not think of a smoke for a few days and then all of a sudden...the urge is there.

I hope your Mom can quit. Life is so much better without the smokes and I didn't realize how much it stinks. She'll quit when she is ready, but being bullied to quit won't help....I know. Just support and love her.

[Gina]

Originally Posted by Janet

I hope you're letting your Mom know how much you love her and that you're not too harsh. Smoking is such a hard habit to break. I've been smoke free 2 years the last of August. I won't ever smoke again, but there are times I want to so bad. That urge never goes away completely. I may not think of a smoke for a few days and then all of a sudden...the urge is there.

I hope your Mom can quit. Life is so much better without the smokes and I didn't realize how much it stinks. She'll quit when she is ready, but being bullied to quit won't help....I know. Just support and love her.

Janet I have quit smoking 28 yrs. ago the urge DOES go away completely at least for me it did. Give it time.. I find the smell offensive and disgusting now and wondered how I ever smoked...

[HALEY]

i quit over 5 months now and i could smoke one right now... the urge will never go away, its a daily fight for me.. and sometimes i don't know if i have the passion to keep going.. i smoked two packs a day, and i liked to smoke only quit cause i couldn't afford a 600 per month habbit!

[pope1982]

Support her and encourage her.
It is sad she felt she had to lie to you in the first place, she was probably afraid of your reaction so I think it was a low blow to threaten her seeing you.
You are going to have to find the strength to be around her, even if it does bother you because you cannot get the time you choose not to see her back. Running away is not the answer.

I agree that the truth of the matter is, she needs to find the strength within herself and this is her battle to conquer, she doesn't need to take you on as well.

I wish both of you luck. Her the ability to drop this nasty habit and you to have the patience, tolerance and unconditional love a wonderful mother deserves.