abusive relationship help

[pope1982]

Let's see how quick before my advice offends someone....
In all fairness, you knew the guy was jealous and you knew you had dated other men in the time you had off. What did you think it would be like to come back? People don't change over night, we are all human not saints.
I think you have to decide what you are willing to put up with. I think the jealousy with your help and patience is something he will grow out of. Up to you if you plan on sticking by his side and helping him through it. Unfortunately, you live what you learn is the case in most instances. Have you met his family, does his mom at least put on the polite show or appearing normal?

He obviously has some deep routed issues, have you tried to set your emotions aside and have a conversation with him about where it is all coming from? I know it is hard to get men to verbalize some things... but it sounds like he is insecure and perhaps been burnt bad in the past. Family dysfunction etc..
How long have you been dating? Is there a big age difference between the two of you, there is some truth behind the rumors you've heard about men maturing at a slower rate than females. And even then, I swear they are men stuck with their 15 year old brain lol

My fiance and I have had our share of hard times that you wouldn't believe, because it feels surreal thinking back to them today but we've moved past all that and I am full of pride at where we stand today. We've helped each other grow, and our bond is unlike any other. We aren't afraid to admit who we were, and look forward to whom we one day aspire to be.

I don't mean to question further, but can you better describe this "kick" in the back?
You can tell the different when someone is trying to hurt you, and when they are holding back. I believe you are going about this the right way, because no one needs to know your business while you guys decide if this is worth going forward with.
If he wasn't trying to hold back, I would honestly whoop his ass and kick him to the curb.

Don't down play your own role in how the situation escalated. Take a step back and learn from your less then shining moment, gain an educated perspective and keep it between yourselves. You should be telling him how much he scared you and how retarded it was to threaten to involve your parents (who I am sure are biased as you are their daughter) if you are to work things out with this guy, and you are very young it is a possibility, you don't want them hating him. So I'd keep the venting to a minimum, instead find some other things in your life that relieve your stress. Physical activities are great!

After all, this guy can't be a complete monster, otherwise you wouldn't still be there caring.

Sometimes it is harder to stay and work on things than it is to leave and try to forget. As far as the mental abuse and such, people can only MAKE you feel, but how you allow them to.
And finally, there is no "normal". Others won't always agree with the two of you, that's fine. You'll survive.

[pope1982]

Lastly, if you guys are getting on each others nerves to that point, go for a walk or a drive. Don't stand there in each others faces having a pissing contest because I have seen people say and do some pretty stupid things when they are infuriated.

[Janet]

Hi and welcome to 4WT. You're going to find the greatest of all women here who honestly do their best to try and help when asked.

Now..my advice.... First: read and re-read Tinks advice. Next..don't..please don't bring any children into this relationship until it is 100% turned around. Kids have a hard enough time and then to see their parents fighting, physically and verbally. Like Dr. Phil says...it totally changes who they are.

Personally...I'd put on my running shoes.

I do wish you the very best in whatever you decide, but please don't think you couldn't make it alone or with someone else...your inner strength will surprise you.

[Ponyup]

Does he really want help? If he honestly wants help, then the 2 of you could maybe try therapy. But in my honest opinion from what you've said I'm not sure your relationship is worth it. You need to decide what you want to be surrounded by for the rest of your life. My husband & I enjoy each other, we are best friends & hardly ever fight. This is what I want. My brother & his wife bicker & fight constantly (no physical violence though) they seem to thrive off it, they like it. I would be miserable in a relationship like that, but it works for them. I think anger management or therapy might help, but I think you both need to go. And you need to examine if you really love him & if he really loves you. Maybe deep down you like the drama or you're afraid of being alone. In my HONEST opinion if you love someone no matter what they do you would never physically harm them. I would never ever hurt my husband in anger & he would never ever hurt me. If you love someone you do not what to cause them pain or harm, in my opinion.

[DianaB]

You've admitted that you and this guy have had problems from the very beginning. I think that it's time to move on. You deserve someone who treasures you and treats you like you deserve to be treated.

You mentioned that you come from a "broken family" and I'm sure you don't want to repeat this in your own life and relationships. You need to start making GOOD choices NOW. I can tell you what I think you should do but ultimately you have to make the choices. And like I said GOOD CHOICES. Choices that you make with your head.....not your heart. These are decisions that will affect you for the rest of your life and you need to choose carefully. Don't worry about hurting his feelings, only consider what is right for you.

Originally Posted by DianaB

You've admitted that you and this guy have had problems from the very beginning. I think that it's time to move on. You deserve someone who treasures you and treats you like you deserve to be treated.

You mentioned that you come from a "broken family" and I'm sure you don't want to repeat this in your own life and relationships. You need to start making GOOD choices NOW. I can tell you what I think you should do but ultimately you have to make the choices. And like I said GOOD CHOICES. Choices that you make with your head.....not your heart. These are decisions that will affect you for the rest of your life and you need to choose carefully. Don't worry about hurting his feelings, only consider what is right for you.

thank you diana.. i will keep this in mind !

[HALEY]

Take Gina's advice please, run like hell, it only gets worse when you get married.. trust me on this issue... they only change for awhile to suit your wants and there right back to where they started from in the beginning!!!
Your single with no kids!!! Walk away, there are so many nice single men out there you will find another one to take his place.
there is my 2 cents and i'm getting off this thread....

Originally Posted by pope1982

Let's see how quick before my advice offends someone....
In all fairness, you knew the guy was jealous and you knew you had dated other men in the time you had off. What did you think it would be like to come back? People don't change over night, we are all human not saints.
I think you have to decide what you are willing to put up with. I think the jealousy with your help and patience is something he will grow out of. Up to you if you plan on sticking by his side and helping him through it. Unfortunately, you live what you learn is the case in most instances. Have you met his family, does his mom at least put on the polite show or appearing normal?

He obviously has some deep routed issues, have you tried to set your emotions aside and have a conversation with him about where it is all coming from? I know it is hard to get men to verbalize some things... but it sounds like he is insecure and perhaps been burnt bad in the past. Family dysfunction etc..
How long have you been dating? Is there a big age difference between the two of you, there is some truth behind the rumors you've heard about men maturing at a slower rate than females. And even then, I swear they are men stuck with their 15 year old brain lol

My fiance and I have had our share of hard times that you wouldn't believe, because it feels surreal thinking back to them today but we've moved past all that and I am full of pride at where we stand today. We've helped each other grow, and our bond is unlike any other. We aren't afraid to admit who we were, and look forward to whom we one day aspire to be.

I don't mean to question further, but can you better describe this "kick" in the back?
You can tell the different when someone is trying to hurt you, and when they are holding back. I believe you are going about this the right way, because no one needs to know your business while you guys decide if this is worth going forward with.
If he wasn't trying to hold back, I would honestly whoop his ass and kick him to the curb.

Don't down play your own role in how the situation escalated. Take a step back and learn from your less then shining moment, gain an educated perspective and keep it between yourselves. You should be telling him how much he scared you and how retarded it was to threaten to involve your parents (who I am sure are biased as you are their daughter) if you are to work things out with this guy, and you are very young it is a possibility, you don't want them hating him. So I'd keep the venting to a minimum, instead find some other things in your life that relieve your stress. Physical activities are great!

After all, this guy can't be a complete monster, otherwise you wouldn't still be there caring.

Sometimes it is harder to stay and work on things than it is to leave and try to forget. As far as the mental abuse and such, people can only MAKE you feel, but how you allow them to.
And finally, there is no "normal". Others won't always agree with the two of you, that's fine. You'll survive.

thank you so much for your advice.. this was what i really needed to hear. of course i didnt think everything would be peachy and perfect when we got back but i can say it was good for the past 6 months. and of course he is not a complete monster.. he has certain qualities i have never found in another guy but then again his bad qualities, i havent found in others either. Yeah i have met his parents, they were all pretty "normal", his mom actually found out what he did and she apparently yelled the crap out of him never to lay a hand on any woman. There is no big age difference, he is one year older than me and we have been together for 4.5 years, and yes we have had in depth conversations about his anger and stuff.. he seems to calm down for a while but he will always have a temper.. that is who he is. Your comment: "If he wasn't trying to hold back, I would honestly whoop his ass and kick him to the curb." exactly.. my thought completely except i was very much in shock.. i dont know what kind of kick it was.. it was with the bottom of his foot right on my back. he apologized saying he did not mean to, that he was just trying to get me to back off, but i dont know. and i know about the mental abuse.. it has stopped.. it was just the beginning with his jealousy.

my question this whole time was if it is worth it for him to go through anger management?