abusive relationship help

[Tink]

I've worked in a rehab house with alcoholics and addicts so have sat in on a lot of therapy sessions for situations like yours. It sounds from what you've said

i was so hurt i slapped him and first time ever he slapped/hit me back hard... i grabbed the phone from him and got mad and pushed him

You need anger management as badly as he does. If you're going to slap and push people, you have to expect to get the same back. It sounds as though you're baiting him... you set the tone and he retaliates. Quite honestly, if you were to try to press charges against him, the fact that you pushed or hit first would likely mean it would be you that got carted away and locked up.

It sounds like a sick relationship from both sides, and if it's escalating now, it's unlikely to get better without a lot of help.

Sorry, I don't imagine that's what you want to hear, but based on what little you've told us, it is the impression I got.