Sometimes I don't know him

[Blueyes]

It sounds like it could, and IS a really big thing. You have every right to have a say in ALL of your money matters ALWAYS, no matter if you are working or not. That's what being a family is. People ARE more important than things. Period.

I have seen so many people practicing their religion, but they are so far away from living the way Jesus teaches us..it's not even funny.

I'm sure Scott just thinks he's doing what he should to save money. Do you think he would go out of his way to help somebody if he didn't have to spend any of his money doing it? Does he have a generous nature in general? Maybe giving money to a charity or relief fund is just beyond his comprehension, but he would stop on the side of the road to help a stranger change a flat tire. Sometimes people are generous in different ways.

The bottom line is how all of this makes YOU feel. I'm just trying to help you think things through You have fantastic instincts Lindsey. Trust them.

[judy]

Everyone has given you great advice Lindsey. Basic values are so important in a marriage, and no matter what the reason, if you cant be happy with him just as he is, it is a huge problem.

You really do need to talk it out with Scott, maybe with a counselor. You two need to be on the same page.

You will work this out. You always do choose the best road to follow!

[gja1000]

Judy is right, you are talking about basic fundamental values and beliefs. These values and beliefs drive our behavior - that is why Scott behaves differently than you.

Betsi is also right about showing caring and compassion in ways other than giving money. Is he a caring person to others? Would he help someone because they needed it, is he kind and considerate to others (not just you), how does he treat animals (not just Layla). You don't have to give money to be compassionate, but to be compassionate you do have to want to help your fellow man.

These fundamental belief differences will cause a big problem later, because as I said, beliefs, values, and philosophy of life drives all your behavior. Now, I'm not saying you are Scott are different, that you have fundamental differences - I see money differences but maybe that's all - and maybe deep down you and he are not all that different. But the money thing can be problematic, especially if he doesn't see the money in a marriage as OUR money. THAT can be VERY VERY problematic.

Good luck Lindsay. You are a VERY smart girl, you will figure it out and do the right thing!

[Lindsey]

I don't know that he would necessarily go OUT OF HIS WAY, but if he comes across it he would help someone... like he'll hold the door open for someone who is coming with their arms full or something. Other than that kind of thing, there's not really much else I can think of...

He is kind to other people, and my family and friends just love him because he's so open and happy all the time. I really like that I don't have to feel awkward when we're with my group because he will fit right in.

I have always known that he's tight with his money but since we've been together he has loosened up a lot... in Vegas last year I didn't buy much and he left with 3 or 4 new pairs of shoes And I'm the shoe obsessed one! So in that regard, he has changed. He also buys a new snowboard and snowboard gear pretty much every year. It just feels that when he wants something for himself, it's no problem to go get it, but when it's spending money for other people, then it's a problem. And THAT is something that bothers me.

I know that if we continue our relationship, money will always be the biggest issue. It's all that comes up when we discuss our future. If we have kids, I want them to have the opportunity to take lessons and play sports and all he can say is "that costs money"

I know we're not there yet, but I'm glad we're talking about these things before we get married and before we have kids.

When the time comes, I would definitely see a counselor before taking the next step.

[paula1961]

You are a very smart girl Lindsey! You will figure this out. You have been given alot of great advice from the others. I wish you the best dear friend!

[pope1982]

Originally Posted by Lindsey

I don't know that he would necessarily go OUT OF HIS WAY, but if he comes across it he would help someone... like he'll hold the door open for someone who is coming with their arms full or something. Other than that kind of thing, there's not really much else I can think of...

He is kind to other people, and my family and friends just love him because he's so open and happy all the time. I really like that I don't have to feel awkward when we're with my group because he will fit right in.

I have always known that he's tight with his money but since we've been together he has loosened up a lot... in Vegas last year I didn't buy much and he left with 3 or 4 new pairs of shoes And I'm the shoe obsessed one! So in that regard, he has changed. He also buys a new snowboard and snowboard gear pretty much every year. It just feels that when he wants something for himself, it's no problem to go get it, but when it's spending money for other people, then it's a problem. And THAT is something that bothers me.

I know that if we continue our relationship, money will always be the biggest issue. It's all that comes up when we discuss our future. If we have kids, I want them to have the opportunity to take lessons and play sports and all he can say is "that costs money"

I know we're not there yet, but I'm glad we're talking about these things before we get married and before we have kids.

When the time comes, I would definitely see a counselor before taking the next step.

You also have to keep in mind his relationship with his mother. It seems she has really pampered him, and I am willing to bet that plays into him being a little selfish and inconsiderate at times.

Sometimes we gals just literally have to sit around and wait for mom to back off and our men to grow up. It is good to talk it through and let him know how you feel about it.

If he is the right guy, the wait will be worth it. But it is so not worth it to start arguing over it or letting yourself get blue about it. Like I always say, you must pick your battles and decide how happy you are in life. Things could be much worse my dear! Just keep telling yourself you have a good guy, but like most of them, he has to work through his mommy issues and grow up a little bit (((hugs)))

The good thing is, there is plenty of time for all to be worked out and it does take time! Time and patience, reflection, growth and compromise on both parts as well as the love.

As far as the separate bank accounts, don't let that discussion weigh too heavily on you just yet. Men tend to say exactly what is on their mind without thinking (when they are vocal...) once they've seen our reaction is when they start getting quiet or attempting to change the subject! lol

[Lindsey]

Thanks Becky!

Last night I worked late, I was grumpy, and I drove home in the dark. I opened the condo door to Layla waiting for me, and Scott saying to her "How did you know mommy was coming?" while he dropped what he was doing (working on the crown molding on our cabinets) to give me a hug. I know that I can't just not have him in my life, and we're going to have to just work through whatever there is to work through!

[DianaB]

I think that you've been given some good advice, Lindsey. I also think that Scott is still young and just hasn't given much thought to donating to help other poeple. As we grow older we tend to think more about that kind of thing. Hopefully some of your being so charitable will rub off on him. Give him time.